Spending time with your friends is important and can be difficult to arrange. With that in mind, that time should be respected.
But what qualifies as disrespect among friends? Bringing your girlfriend to your guys’ night out or no longer inviting your friend who does?
This is the question brought to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit by five friends from a group of six, the sixth friend being the one keeps showing up with a plus-one.
The five guys, represented as OP (Original Poster) “MK6804,” asked the thread:
“AITA (Am I the A**hole?). Friend keeps bringing his GF every time we have a get-together, so we stopped inviting him.”
According to the writers, the group shares a lot of history.
“Our friend group is made up of 6 people, Me([Male]33), A([Male]4), J([Male]35), K([Male]33), E([Male]34) and V([Male]35).”
“Now we met each other during a work event and connected instantly and each of us has a SO (significant other).”
“Now with V, he has been with his GF (girlfriend) for 3 years, and we have been friends since uni and ever since then, we have a ‘guys-night’ once every 3 months so that 4 times a year.”
Recently, their sixth friend started bringing a plus-one.
“Every time we get together V keeps bringing his Gf and it just became awkward. She would follow him everywhere, she even tried to follow him into the men’s toilet.”
“We are unable to go to restaurants because she keeps causing drama. An example of this is when V left his phone on a table at a restaurant, the waiter tapped V on the shoulder and returned the phone, V thanked her, His GF poured water on a waiter and accused her of hitting on V. The manager banned her. That is just one of the times she acted out.”
The rest of the group has had enough of the antics at this point.
“Me, M, A, J and K had enough, we held an intervention, asked him why he keeps bring her and that we had enough. He wasn’t able to give us a proper answer, said that she keeps inviting herself to these events.”
“Soon she was invited into our group chats and our annual camping trip.”
“Now because Melbourne is in lockdown, we had a few online movie sessions, and she would show up and complain about the choice of movie.”
“Now we had enough, every time she shows up, there is an issue, the choice of movie or the type of food served, the weather.”
They tried to talk to their friend about it but had to make a decision amongst themselves.
“Now Me, M, A, J and K told V to grow a pair and tell her enough is enough, he refused to do so, said this is him proving his love for her.”
“So Me, M, A, J and K decided that until he had a proper sit-down and talk things through with her, we would not invite him to any of our events, he and his Gf called us Assholes, while our SO also agree with them.”
Fellow Redditors wrote in anonymously, rating the decision to leave their friend out of future gatherings on the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
One Redditor pointed out that no one is required to invite anyone else, especially if they’re ignoring group rules.
“NTA.”
“I mean you guys are entitled to a guys night without being pestered by this GF.”
“If the dude won’t stop bringing her, because she is a super jealous type, and/or controlling, you are well within your rights to say ‘you’re out until you figure this out’.” – kiraIsuAlivr
Others read a lot of red flags into the girlfriend’s behavior, some to the point that they encouraged the group to reconsider inviting their friend.
“I was hoping I’d see someone pointing out the abuse in the comments already. I think the best method would be to tell him that he alone is invited, if he insists on bringing her, neither is invited, but that you’re there for him whenever, and let him know that having to prove his love is unhealthy and unsustainable.”
“When exactly has she proven her love to him? Was that when she was showing she’d assault anyone that dares to look at him (pouring water on a server) or when she isolated him from all of his friends?” – idplmal
“Exactly, the last thing I would do is stop inviting him, doing so allows her to win by cutting him off from friends and makes him more isolated.”
“The one thing he needs is friends to stand by him!”
“I was in a relationship like this and the friends who cut me off I have kept cut off, now that I have left and they want back in my life. The 2 friends who were there through thick and thin remain in my life and I am so thankful to them! So so thankful!” – Exceptionallymylife
“Came here to say this, glad it’s been said. As long as she and he frame the situation as him accepting her abusive behavior as a requirement for love, he’ll continue to suffer her abuse.”
“You need to make clear to him that he is being abused by her. And her behavior is abusive. Accepting her abuse isn’t love, it’s victimization. He’s going down a dark path and he needs to stand up for himself.”
“Telling him to ‘grow a pair’ isn’t helpful because it plays into hurtful gender stereotypes like as a man he’s supposed to dominate her. It’s not that. It’s that as a human being, he deserves to be treated in a non-abusive manner.”
“He deserves to have a supportive, nurturing significant other, not a manipulative, abusive, toxic, cruel, bullying, controlling significant other.” – bettinafairchild
A possibly abusive relationship situation aside, a few could not resist pointing out what a drag it must be to spend time with this particular girlfriend.
“At the point where she poured water of the poor waiter, this isn’t even a thing about guys-night anymore – that’s just a terrible person whom I would want nothing to do with.” – Mesapholis
“I always find you can tell so much about a person with how they treat people in a customer service job (barista, clothing store worker, waiter etc) and if they treat them like shit and look down on them for no reason then I want nothing to do with being friends with people like that let alone dating someone like that.” – crazymommaof2
“Exactly. This had nothing to do with guys night. She is absolutely insufferable. They can’t go out to eat? I mean c’mon…” – BasicDesignAdvice
It’s hard when a friend becomes flakey or starts doing something they didn’t use to do, like bringing a plus-one to an otherwise intimate event among close friends.
Whatever these friends decide to do, the Redditors may be on to something: They certainly aren’t required to keep inviting their friend, but it may be good for their friend’s mental health if they do.