Content Warning: Abusive Relationships, Domestic Violence, Exit Plans
There are unfortunately people in the world who will act like they’ll love their partner through every high and low point in their lives.
But the minute their partner is compromised, either financially, physically, or emotionally, their true colors shine through, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor 929225 sensed their marriage unraveling after they adopted a pair of guinea pigs, which became their responsibility, despite their intense work schedule and compromised health.
One night when they were cleaning the guinea pig cage and saw a side of their husband they’d never seen before when they asked him to clean it for once, the Original Poster (OP) could not shake the feeling that this relationship was not safe anymore.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting after my husband rubbed guinea pig poo on my pillow?”
The OP and their husband adopted a pair of guinea pigs.
“A few years ago, my husband was absolutely desperate to get pet guinea pigs.”
“I was reluctant as I work a busy job and struggle with my health due to Lupus, so I didn’t want to be left to have to look after them myself.”
“He is very fickle, and I knew he would get bored with them and expect me to take over.”
Despite their work schedule and compromised health, the OP had to care for them.
“This did end up happening, and after a couple of years, my husband said he no longer wanted our guinea pig, and said we should take her to a rescue.”
“I was horrified, as I believe we have made a commitment to look after her, and I would be so sad to give her away.”
“He then said the only way we could keep her was if I took over all of her care, mainly cleaning her cage.”
“I was not happy with this because of the reasons I mentioned above, but he said if I didn’t agree, then she would have to go, so I felt I had no choice.”
The relationship came crashing down over a dirty cage.
“One day, I was cleaning her cage as he was continuing to refuse to do this, and ended up getting annoyed. I told him it was really unfair, as I wasn’t feeling well and had been working until 7:00 PM, whereas he had been home from around 3:00 PM (this is the case most days).”
“I was using a rag to clean the cage, and turned around and threw it in his direction and said he could finish it off.”
“I want to make it clear that this did not hit him, nor was it intended to hit him. It was simply so he could have the rag to finish cleaning (obviously done in frustration).”
The OP saw a side of their husband they didn’t know existed.
“I was shocked at what happened next. In a split second, he picked up the rag and came running towards me in a complete rage. I actually wondered if he was going to hit me.”
“He ran straight into our bedroom and started rubbing the rag all over my pillow, smearing Guinea pig poo on it in the process.”
“As I mentioned earlier, I have Lupus and have to inject immunosuppressants, meaning I don’t have a functioning immune system. I had just injected a few days before, so I was so freaked out and was shouting at him to stop because of this.”
“I never received a proper apology for this, and he just kept blaming me, saying it was because I threw the rag at him, and I shouldn’t have done that.”
“On one occasion, he even said the rag hit him in the face, which is absolutely untrue; it didn’t hit him anywhere!”
“I have just had to move on from this and bury my feelings about it, but it did scare me, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. What are your thoughts?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some were certain that the OP’s husband had always been like this and waited until their health was compromised to show his true colors.
“So he finally stopped the act and showed his true personality when you became ill.”
“You deserve so much better.” – twinnedcalcte
“Some men start to feel like so much less than their wives, and instead of rising up and working harder, they start trying to pull her down. Not all the time, but more and more, and enough to affect her sense of personal value.”
“I’m glad he hasn’t yet succeeded fully. But why stay married to a man who brings so little to the table and makes a real effort to tear you down to make himself feel better.”
“The danger here is that if you leave him, you can be in danger from the moment you tell him. So I would plan carefully and try to avoid having it out with him once you make that choice. If you ever do. Having been in your position before, though, with a man whose whole personality changed on me… it gets much better when it’s over.”
“Sometimes he gets better, too. My ex is a decent man again. To his credit, he got the help he needed. And he never would have done otherwise, I don’t think. We have been good friends and coparents these 25 years since it ended. Well, after the first three anyway; those are generally the worst to get through.”
“And that is after a marriage in which he did all he could to convince me I was worthless. He was the one who needed help. My leaving helped him realize it.” – ExpensiveAd4496
“This is absolutely textbook abuse. They never show their true personalities at first, because they know you would run for the hills.”
“Please look up the book, ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft, and then contact a domestic violence center and ask for help building an exit plan.” – HotSauceRainFall
“Oh honey, reading your post and responses is heartbreaking. No one deserves the words or treatment you are describing, especially from someone who is supposed to be your life partner, through ups and downs, sickness, health, etc.”
“Unfortunately, people change, and not always for the better. He could be showing his true colors, he may be influenced by the online misogynistic manisphere, he could have untreated mental or substance abuse happening. Either way, there is a pattern of negativity, emotional abuse in your direction. What would you tell a friend in your position?”
“I really hope you find peace, and the power to leave someone who doesn’t treat you like you deserve. It sounds like you are in a position to support yourself, thankfully. The scariest posts on here are women in your position, or worse, or with kids who don’t have a penny to their name and can’t do anything without husband’s approval.”
“Please show yourself care and compassion, your husband doesn’t seem to care what happens to you, but a lot of strangers on the internet do.” – No_Cake2145
Others urged the OP to start planning to exit the relationship, safely and immediately.
“I want to be gentle with you as much as possible when I say this: but you need to start pulling back from this relationship.”
“If you don’t find it in your heart right now to outright break up with him, go on a break, or outright divorce him, you really need to start pulling back from this relationship, emotionally and physically.”
“That type of behavior is a precedent for immature and violent behavior that can come in the future. Knowing that your immune system is very sensitive and can easily be compromised by something like that, that is extremely malicious and intentional.”
“Anybody else reacting to your frustration would have walked out of the room to calm down, talked it out with you right then, and there on what was going on, or would have picked up the slack and cleaned out the guinea pig’s cage, since he wanted it to begin with. It is incredibly selfish for him to pin the responsibility of a pet that you initially did not want onto you.”
“I need you to understand that this is not a healthy dynamic, and this is an example of areas in your marriage, where he could also fail you in more serious conditions. Please think this over, OP. I know you may not think it is serious as it is, but in the given climate of healthcare, political instability, and social inequality between the genders, I really need you to take heat in your own safety and well-being with this particular man in your life.”
“Has he exhibited behavior like this before? And to what extent had he gone with it before he pulled back; if he even pulled back? Please think these thoughts over, and reach out to someone that you trust in your personal life about their perspective on what happened as well.”
“Much love, and I hope you make the best decision for you and your well-being.” – Nicollettia
“Can I ask what you see in him? I have read your other posts, and he is verbally abusive and holds financial lists over you…”
“When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them.”
“You deserve sooo much more than this. This is so much worse than the bare minimum. Please leave this ‘man’ and get yourself into some therapy to help work on your own self-esteem.”
“You have so much value, and you are so worthy. You are also still young and have a whole life ahead of you.” – FarOpportunity4366
“He kept a tally of minute amounts of money for things you didn’t pay for while earning less… for two years! He further keeps tallying the days you have sex and says you need to ‘make it up to him’ if you can’t.”
“He fights dirty, seems to have no care or respect for your limitations surrounding your health, says you are manipulating him if you ask for help with household chores, doesn’t offer foreplay or seem to care about your pleasure beyond how the result of such benefit him… what does he bring to the table to make up for all of this??” – mercyrunner
“He’s abusive, and you should take your guinea pig and leave. Pack your important items and a clothes bag while he is at work and go. If you own your house, you can get that sorted later, but keep yourself safe in the meantime.” – animalwitch
Fortunately, about six months later, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“Hi everyone, some of you may remember my original post, and others that I posted to different forums in the summer. I received an overwhelming amount of support, which was such an incredible help in a difficult time.”
“Many people asked me to share an update, and I’m finally in a space to be able to do that. Long story short… I left for good.”
“The months that followed were very difficult. My husband was entitled to half my business, despite not having contributed to it financially, but I wanted to end things and go no contact with him as fast as possible, so I gave him other things in exchange for his ‘share’ in my business. So my life and my business are now completely separate from him and this marriage.”
“Within weeks, it became obvious that another female was staying in my house. When I came back to get my things, he had dumped most of them in a spare bedroom and covered them up with blankets and towels. He then started putting my mail in a cupboard with the new girl’s things so that I would actually have to move them out of the way to get my letters. There were condom packets littered all over the place, along with receipts left lying from restaurants.”
“Eventually, it became too hard to go back, and I just left the rest of my things, meaning I only really left with my clothes and sentimental items.”
“I decided it wasn’t worth the trauma of discovering what he’d left for me to see next. It wasn’t long before I found out that he had started selling everything I had left behind on Facebook. I decided not to rise to it, it’s just stuff at the end of the day.”
The OP’s life and health improved dramatically after they walked away.
“However, I have to say I am doing really well. As many of you predicted, my health improved as soon as I left, and I actually haven’t injected my immunosuppressants since, which is huge considering I injected every month for over three years.”
“I’ve just bought a beautiful house that I love, and I feel as though I am slowly returning to myself and remembering who I am. I never expected to be single at 29 when all my friends are married and having babies, but I know now that there was no other option.”
“I just want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my original posts. Every single comment made me reflect on my situation, and I read so many of them over and over again to help me gain strength.”
“The kindness of strangers has been instrumental in getting me to where I am now. I hope I can live my life paying it forward. I know I have a lot of healing left to do, but I am 100% on the right path.”
“Also, for those who might be worried, I brought my guinea pig with me, and she is loved to bits.”
“Thank you again.”
It was terrible that the OP ever had to go through this, and that there was a time when they thought these might be normal dynamics of marriage, but it was incredible to hear that they, their guinea pig, and their sentimental items were safely away from the person who caused so much hurt.