Everyone has needs, and ideally, two people would find each other who could meet those needs.
But sometimes, it takes much too long for a person to realize that their partner will only meet their needs under certain conditions, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Smil3z5 wanted to have a strong, masculine partner who was also a provider, and up until recently, she thought her husband was that person.
But when he stopped wanting to help her while she was pregnant, and even charged her money to lift items that she could not safely lift, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if her husband was really who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being furious that my husband charged me money to help me move something?"
The OP's husband became less helpful when she became pregnant.
"I'm 20 weeks pregnant."
"Yesterday, I sold something. When I sold the item, my husband asked that I give him ten dollars for helping him move and lift the item."
"Today, I went to purchase a new toilet from someone with the money that I got from what I sold."
"I asked my husband if he could help me today to go pick it up, and he said maybe tomorrow."
"I didn't want to wait, so I asked my brother-in-law, and he went with me to get it."
When she got home, she called her husband out.
"When I got home, my husband was napping. I asked him to remind me why I paid him ten dollars yesterday."
"He said, 'Because I helped you move that thing, and I didn't want to do s**t.'"
"I said, 'Okay, just wanted to confirm that was the reason.'"
"I'm just p**sed. I'm used to having a man's man, like my dad and brother, who don't mind at all lifting and helping, I don't know."
"Am I Overreacting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were shocked and infuriated by the husband's behavior.
"What kind of s**t is this? Who charges their wife to move something? She doesn't need to be lifting anything, especially while pregnant."
"This is a huge red flag. He doesn't seem like he treats her right at all. I think OP should definitely reconsider this marriage." - InternalGood1015
"My mouth fell open reading this. This is truly f**ked up. I feel for OP. She doesn't deserve having to deal with a piece of s**t like her husband." - InternalGood1015
"NOR. My husband has moved plenty of heavy things for me, even when he didn't want to, and has never CHARGED me for doing so."
"When I was pregnant, if he saw me moving anything that was potentially heavy, he would run to move it. And he doesn't run." - Crispynotcrunchy
"My husband won't let me carry things other than my purse. Even in the grocery store. If I pick up a bag or two, he will ask me to pass them to him and hand me the car key so I open the back door for him."
"He considers carrying anything to be his job, and going ahead to unlock and open doors so he can set them down is mine."
"He will hold my purse if I ask him to. He has no issue with that; he just considers it my personal property. Like his wallet, although we share our combined money as family funds." - irisdescentsyrup
"NOR. If I'm carrying a shopping bag, he takes it from me, LOL. The only time he lets me carry them is if his hands are full. He has a broken bone in his wrist, but still insists on carrying things. He just tucked some under his arm instead. I, of course, carried bags too."
"Don't think he'd ever dream of charging me for him to move/lift anything. He'd find it as weird as the rest of us do." - West-Kaleidoscope129
"My ex is a piece of s**t, a convict, and we never had kids, and he lives two hours away, but he would be d**ned if he let me do something like that alone."
"Especially if I were pregnant, even though we haven't been together in a decade, and it wouldn't be his kid, obviously, he would NEVER. So what the f**k is this guy's deal?!" - eeyorespiglet
"I'm currently pregnant, and if he sees me lift anything that looks more than 10 pounds, he runs over and basically rips it away from me."
"He's even scolded me once for carrying heavy grocery bags. 'What are you doing? You're pregnant! You shouldn't be carrying that. You should have told me! I would have helped.'"
"The idea that he would charge me for carrying something heavy is mind-boggling!" - HumbleCoyoteGames
Others felt petty and suggested what the OP should charge her husband for.
"What. The. Charge him an hourly rate for gestating his baby. Or kick him to the curb." - GirtBySeaSoThere
"Charge him, for every meal you cook, every load of laundry, every time he wants sex, etc. What a complete and total waste of space he is!" - Leesiecat
"Charge him ten dollars for lost use since your brother-in-law needed to step in and move the thing this time. What a useless partner to have."
"Toilets aren't even an impulse, just-for-fun purchase!" - YesterdaySimilar2069
"Charge him for cooking his meals! If he doesn't pay, put raw meat on his dish! And if you yourself are paying for this food, don't share it! He needs to pay you for cooking and buy his own groceries." - romya2020
"Charge him when he uses the toilet. Every time." - Entire-Ad2058
"For real. I'd charge that man for EVERYTHING I did for him that I didn't feel like doing after some bulls**t like that."
"I'd be like, 'I really don't want to do s**t, so I'm gonna need $10 if you want me to make your dinner, wash your clothes, do the dishes,' or whatever it is."
"Screw all that 'making your pregnant wife pay you to keep her from potentially miscarrying' s**t." - TheDreadPirateJenny
Some looked past the money and suggested the OP get out before her baby was born.
"He'll charge her for watching his own kid. She's better off as a single parent." - Mundane-Moose-2913
"Since you're now paying him, he's your employee. So tell him there's a policy against boss-employee fraternization, so you can never f**k him again. Then you leave him." - miss_mme
"NOR, but you certainly have a decision to make before the baby comes." - Appropriate_Aioli363
"I have no idea why people have kids with guys like this, honestly. Basically ruining her life and the kids' life with a deadbeat father they're tied to for 18 years, at a minimum." - Aintnobeef96
"NOR, but you're having a child with him? Is he going to charge you for getting up for night feedings and changing diapers? Yes, yes, he is. I'd walk away before proving myself right." - jphistory
"Charge him 30 dollars for every hour of your pregnancy."
"Love is not transactional. I literally just looked at my partner and told him I'd be a single mom real fast if he pulled that s**t."
"In all seriousness, this guy is an a**hole." - Emberrrr3
"Oh girl… please tell me this isn't the classic story of abusers only revealing their true colours once they feel they have you 'locked down' so you can't leave?"
"Leaving is always an option." - Aussiealterego
"We have had a broken car for months. One day, I asked again if he could fix it."
"He asked me, 'Why don't you fix it?' I said, 'Because I don't know how, and you do.'"
"Then he told me to shut the f**k up or pay him to do it."
"I haven't felt the same since and am making exit plans. I can't even imagine if I were carrying his child. Ugh, so sorry." - SimFlixAndChill
"My ex-husband told me I would need to give him 24 hours' notice before I asked him to do something."
"My response, 'Okay, you have 24 hours to get out of my house.'"
"He didn't take that well and did some dramatic things, but I stuck to it. He was outta there. Divorced shortly afterwards." - Desert-Monsoons
"Just cut to the chase and divorce him, because he's going to be a bad influence on this child, and he's certainly not a man who even likes you, let alone loves you. You are in for world of misery if you let this person stay in your life another moment." - Ok_Imagination_1107
The subReddit could not wrap their mind around how the OP's husband was treating her and where he even got the idea to charge his own wife for helping her with basic tasks, especially while she was pregnant with their child.
Since the OP thought that her husband was a provider and protector before this, there was a distinct possibility that he might be one of those partners who changed their personality and how they treated their wives once they were married or pregnant, which might be the biggest red flag ever.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.