Content Warning: Emotional Abuse, Financial Abuse, Domestic Abuse
Becoming a parent is a transformative moment, and while it take living it, most parents-to-be are warned about the long nights, the increased expenses, and the stressful milestone moments.
But we don't talk nearly enough about how exhausting it is when one parent becomes the primary caregiver with few, to any, breaks, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Appropriate_Put_7963 had a young daughter and had been her primary caregiver since she was born, including all of her parenting responsibilities, home responsibilities, and the long nights, because her husband needed to sleep for his long shifts.
But when her husband repeatedly took vacations to bounce back, but would not allow her to take one night to herself, the Original Poster (OP) was baffled by his unwillingness to show her a little care.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being angry with my husband for not allowing me to stay in a hotel for a night?"
The OP was the primary caregiver for her young daughter.
"I’m (25 Female) a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), so my whole life revolves around my daughter."
"I'm the main one waking up every night caring for her, as my husband (26 Male) works late and is always tired."
"We've been together for five years and married for four."
The OP needed some me time.
"For over a year now, I’ve been asking him if I can have a vacation day."
"Today, I told him how I wanted to stay in a hotel for one night. And he struggled to find a reason to say no."
"I got really upset because he has taken many trips with friends. Sometimes it’s just for a day, and he comes back the same day, but multiple times since our daughter has been born, he’s gone for overnight trips, day trips, and even planned a whole week trip."
"Now he’s planning another week-long trip to another state. I’ve agreed to let him go, because why wouldn’t I?!"
"But now all of a sudden, I’m not allowed to have one night in a hotel alone?"
"I asked him what he thought I was supposed to do for my 'vacation day,' and he didn’t say anything."
"I told him it’s kinda controlling to not allow me to have one night in a hotel, to which he said I’m just arguing with him to get him to say yes, and he won’t do it, and to leave him alone."
The OP's husband lashed out when she continued to push the issue.
"While he was showering (I know, wrong place, wrong time), I asked him to explain his logic on why I can’t stay in a hotel."
"He shut the door and told me to get the f**k out of there."
"After about two minutes of gathering my emotions, I asked again politely why I couldn’t, and if he could just explain his thought process around it, because I genuinely don’t understand how it’s fair that he can go on trips without me, but I’m not allowed to stay in a hotel by myself for one night?"
"So he opened the shower and sprayed me with the shower head."
"I yelled at him and threw an empty mouthwash bottle over the shower because I was so angry and appalled at being sprayed."
"I left him alone, which I probably should’ve done when he first asked."
"But I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out why I’m not allowed to have ONE day without worrying about anything. Am I overreacting?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were left angry and cringing over the OP's use of the words "allow" and "asking politely."
"Are we talking about your father or your husband? What do you mean 'allow'?!"
"You are an ADULT, and if you need a break, you take a break!! He’s also the parent of your child, and he needs to step up and help even if he’s the one with a job outside the home!" - NeatP16
"'Allow' is so crazy to hear in a marriage. It’s as bad as a father/mother'babysitting' their child. I’ve heard more people say their spouse won’t allow it, and I could never!!" - Leading_Ad3918
"‘Allow’ because you can bet your behind he has tight control of the purse strings. Women in her situation, it’s not as easy as just booking it; he will make her pay in a different way." - depressedotter
"This is me, I’m a stay-at-home mom with two-month-old twins, while he makes all the money."
"I feel like I can’t ask for anything, because he says, 'Well, somebody’s gotta pay the bills.' He’s gone all day, from 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM, which is when the babies aren’t sleeping, and I do everything, including night shift, and I feel like I have to ask for permission not to, and he makes a big deal out of it and keeps bringing up that he helped when he actually says yes to doing something."
"Super frustrating. We both deserve better." - ahnanicole
"Reading 'asking politely' made me grit my teeth. A marriage is a partnership; your husband is not your boss, nor is he an authority figure. You and he are equals, do not allow him to control you." - ModeSubstantial1092
"Do you have any family you could visit or anything? He's really financially abusing you, and he's treating you like a maid/nanny/chef. This is not how you treat someone you love." - JonesN2Chat13
"I have a lot of respect and patience for women/people who find themselves in this position."
"I think just about every single one of us thinks, 'Oh, I could never end up like that,' except for those of us that DID end up like that, and really have no clue how the f**k we ended up there."
"I'm wishing the OP and her daughter the absolute best and cannot wait to see her write again on Reddit about the day she knew she'd made it out." - HistoricalSuspect580
Others were concerned about a variety of other details in the OP's situation.
"But can we go back a moment to "So he opened the shower and sprayed me with the shower head." followed by her guilt for being 'inconsiderate.'"
"OP, this is not how healthy grown-ups behave. This would not be tolerated coming from a child. I'd ask who cleaned the wet bathroom, but."
"I am not telling you what to do, but I am telling you that you and your child deserve better. Please hear that." - ExampleLittle2672
"I'm sorry, but you are in an emotionally (and it seems like heading toward physical) abusive relationship. Without help, this behavior will get worse, not better." - Choice_Ad9031
"'Allow' isn’t really the part that brings red flags, though, not for me, anyway."
"I always ask my wife if I’m allowed to go on trips, and she does the same to me. It’s more of a 'can we handle this financially,' 'is it okay for you to watch the kids for the day or days,' and 'can you take off work to cover watching the kids' (right now I work weekends so we save money on daycare but that means if either of us leave someone needs to cover for our three young kids)."
"So it’s not like if we say no, it’s 'I forbid you from going!' It’s more of a 'I can’t really make that work, is there another time or cheaper option?'"
"The fact that he seemingly gets to do whatever the h**l he wants and she is granted nothing is ridiculous, though. The husband sounds like a jacka**." - Preda1ien
"He sprayed a f*cking shower nozzle at her face?! The disrespect!" - WonderfulCustomer317
"He's straight shown OP he doesn't respect her on even the most basic of levels, and it'll continuously get progressively worse as the years go by." - cometmom
"It's weaponized incompetence AND weaponized sperm donation. 'You wanted a kid, fine. All your responsibility. And since you're staying home and I make the money, you're not allowed to leave the kid YOU wanted behind.'"
"The quickest way to relinquish equality in a partnership is to have kids with someone who is not as enthusiastic as you are about it. And even if you do have kids with someone, being a stay-at-home parent also opens up the risk of relinquishing autonomy when you have to go begging for free time and money."
"Word to the wise? Have kids with a partner, male or female, who is on the same page with you. Discuss finances if one partner is going to stay home." - SweetPrism
"NOR. He’s abusing you financially. Ask your family for help and move out."
"The rules of fairness don’t apply because the whole point is control."
"Spraying her in the face with the shower head is also a tiptoe into physical abuse."
"OP, you are underreacting." - breonny
"Not just emotional abuse and not just financial abuse."
"That bit with the shower head was mind-boggling. You should have flushed the toilet to make the shower cold in retaliation, at the very least."
"Also, OP, tell him that either none of you get to leave on vacation, or you both get to leave."
"If he can't handle being alone with his own child, he should be ashamed of his pathetic self, and call in his mom as help or whatever, but you need to get your night off."
"Also, don't have any more kids with him, and squirrel away any money and other resources and copies of all of your personal documents that you can." - Corfiz74
"I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why you're trying to rationalize staying with an abusive a**hole."
"You can't get a SINGLE night to yourself, but he can get an entire week to himself? Abso-f**king-lutely NOT."
"If you're going to be treated like a single mother, it's better to just be one and have a custody agreement in place so you'll at the very least be able to legally have alone time, even if he doesn't parent, it's just the knowing that option CAN be there without him having an actual say over it."
"Plus, babysitters, family members, friends, they're usually always willing to help, but sometimes don't while the parents are together for fear of 'going against' someone's 'orders.'" - thattattedbratx3
"OP, your manchild husband needs to realize that you are an adult with autonomy. He gets all the time he wants away from you and your child; you can have one day to reset without him complaining or spraying you with water like you’re a misbehaving cat (I don’t do that to cats!). Is he afraid you’re going to meet a man who won’t treat you like shit and realize how awful he is?"
"OP, find yourself a trusted friend to watch your child and explain the circumstances. I would not leave your husband alone with your child. Someone in a comment mentioned him seeming like the type to leave your child alone at home and call CPS for you abandoning your kid to punish you for taking a day to yourself. It seems possible." - masqueradingvixen
It can be hard for two parents to make arrangements for their children for them to have a date night, a weekend getaway, or for the primary parent to get a night or weekend off.
But making arrangements didn't appear to be the problem in this situation. Rather, it seemed that the husband wanted to keep the OP in the role of the SAHM, and the SAHM only, without giving her the possibility of exploring anything else.
