For weddings in the United States, the best man has traditionally been tasked with planning the bachelor party for the groom.
But at some point, some grooms—and brides—decided they'll plan their own parties and then expect their wedding party to foot the bill sometimes to the tune of a thousand dollars or more.
Not every groomsman or bridesmaid can afford that.
Nor ard all that can afford it willing to shell out that kind of money on a party.
A couple struggling with a groom's big party plans turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Fun_Milk_4560 asked:
"AITA for 'ruining' a bachelor party and uninviting myself to the wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I married my husband 5 yrs ago. For his bachelor night, his best friends took him out to a breastaurant—like Hooters, except it was Mexican food served by women in lingerie—and the 3 split his cheap meal, drink and 1 shot."
"It was pretty underwhelming and only took an hour, but we didn't say anything. These guys were 25, lived at home, no bills and all worked, so they could have done more with the year's notice they had to plan it."
"Five years later, his best man is getting married, and he is the best man for him now. My husband spent months trying to organize ideas for a bachelor night, but in the end, the groom told them he wants exactly this:"
"Everyone to bring alcohol to his home to pre-game, then 2 Uber XLs (on a Saturday night in the most expensive part of town) for the 8 men to go to a Brazilian Steakhouse ($63 per person), then 2 Uber XLs again to a club where they will get two bottles of table service (each bottle of 750ml Skyy Vodka is $300 before tip because a cute girl brings it out), then two more Uber XLs to the Casino where they will rent a room that sleeps four people (for 8 men) for $500/night and spend the night gambling.
"So at this point, we're looking at being out $1-2k upfront, while they 'get us back', and now he's saying he wants to rent the room Friday night as well."
"My husband has agreed to everything but the casino hotel, as he's out of his party phase and wants to come home. So we wouldn't be going in on it either."
"This has apparently ruined the entire bachelor party and the groom called us last night to ask why he won't just go along with everything and then accused us of having money issues."
"The entire wedding party is mad at us now and I've been feeling like I'm going crazy all day. Who asks this of people? I cannot imagine in my dreams ever calling someone and telling them they aren't spending enough money on me."
"Hubby made it clear we're just fine financially, but unlike them, we own a home, they're all childless and we have 3 kids in a ton of extracurriculars. This is how we choose to spend our extra money now."
"On top of this, he still has to rent a suit for a couple hundred, and we still need to get a nice wedding gift, so I feel like this financial ask is out of hand."
"I made a comment the groom heard—while he was guilting my husband over the phone for 1.5 hours—that they didn't do anything for him, so they should be happy we're going in on any of this absurd request."
"So for the next 30 minutes, the groom attacks me and my relationship with my husband. For example, he claims he didn't do anything for my husband's bachelor because he wasn't sure we were going to make it."
"I had been with my husband for 5 years at that point. I, unfortunately, know that he's never liked us, at least not together, which sucks because we're doing well 10 years in."
"So I went ahead and re-RSVP'd for just my husband to attend the wedding and declined for me and the kids."
"I even offered to pick my husband up so he can drink all night with the guys."
"So I've been stewing on this all day at work, so please let me know if I/we are the a-holes for not going along with this entire multi-day expensive bachelor party and bowing only myself and my kids out of attending the wedding."
"They've been best friends since kindergarten, so he's having trouble walking away, and I won't ask him to. But our conversation after we both calmed down was him realizing this pattern of behavior from this particular friend group is toxic and unending, so I think he's about to that point."
"My husband was perfectly fine with me and the kids backing out of attending. The backing out was entirely because of the personal insults to me and my relationship."
"I draw boundaries very clearly when people are disrespectful. There's no grudge about my husband's bachelor party, but I'm not going to pretend they did the same for him when they're asking for my credit card."
"He's not a bad guy overall. We were kind of hoping he'd catch up to us in terms of calming down, but he's trying to keep his party phase alive and well."
"The disrespect for our relationship was news to my husband and this happened last night, so he's still weighing his options on what to do with this."
"They've been best friends their entire lives pretty much, so I know why he's struggling. He's heartbroken to find out his friend has never supported us."
"I'm staying out of that part and just removing myself from the situation because I've said the nicest things I have left to say."
"He's well aware of my thoughts and he's basically at the point where he doesn't want to plan BBQs to include them and that we're on different paths right now. He's still willing to finish his wedding duties, because he cares deeply about this man, but he's not getting the casino hotel no matter what happens."
The OP summed up their situation.
"We are backing out of part of the bachelor party. The groom heard me say they didn't celebrate my husband and then I backed out of the wedding. So am I/are we the a**hole?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the asshole (NTA).
"'...then accused us of having money issues...'."
"AND IF YOU DID? As if you guys not having disposable cash is a problem for THEM. The GALL!"
"NTA. This is not about policing your husband's behavior or being a nag. This is someone who claims to be a friend demanding that your husband shell out an obscene amount of money for one night just to make him happy. Some kind of friend, that is!" ~ slackerchic
"NTA, obviously. He wants 1-2k of your money after putting in zero effort for your husband's party, he badmouths you, insults both of you. Why would you go?"
"You're being downright magnanimous." ~ CuriousTiktaalik
"NTA, but why is your husband taking it? No is no, set some boundaries. My husband would have told this guy to go F*ck himself for disrespecting me at all."
"And spending 1-2k is absurd on someone else's wedding, especially after the disrespect and entitlement to YOUR money, especially with children in the picture. The friend seems like a narcissistic a**hole, is he even a good person?" ~ Relwood01
"Tell him you're not sure if this marriage will last for him, so you'll do just the $63 meal, but will catch the rest on his next marriage…" ~ beached_not_broken
"NTA. You're good, because this dude is a petty child. Honestly, I'm surprised your husband even wants to go now with the amount of disrespect thrown towards your marriage." ~ Optimus_Prime-Ribs
"I like the way you're handling this, including not trying to exert influence over your husband. Well done."
"I suspect he'll come to very similar conclusions in his own time once he's had time to mourn the evident end of this friendship.
"And who knows, the friend may come crawling back, either when he has his own kids, or his wife ditches him because he refuses to grow up." ~ marvel_nut
"NTA. F*ck these types of bachelor/ette parties. Bride and groom need to pay for their own multi-day vacation instead of sticking it on their friends just because they're getting married." ~ andromache97
"NTA. Tell him you'll go to his next wedding. With this many demands for partying, his marriage won't last." ~ akcmommy
"NTA. After the groom's behaviour, I think tapping out of the wedding is a good idea, and then leaving it up to your husband to decide if he still wants to go and still offering to pick him up, etc...—all very reasonable." ~ LousView
"NTA. The groom is acting like a jerk. When you are in a wedding or throwing a wedding, you have to be sympathetic to everyone else's financial situations and compromise. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you get to be an entitled prick." ~ Haunting_Fish5804
It's rare to remain close friends since kindergarten. It sounds like these friends are no longer sharing their priorities in life. And the respect and effort seem only to go one way.
Maybe it's time to move on.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.