For weddings in the United States, the best man has traditionally been tasked with planning the bachelor party for the groom.
But at some point, some grooms—and brides—decided they’ll plan their own parties and then expect their wedding party to foot the bill sometimes to the tune of a thousand dollars or more.
Not every groomsman or bridesmaid can afford that.
Nor ard all that can afford it willing to shell out that kind of money on a party.
A couple struggling with a groom’s big party plans turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Fun_Milk_4560 asked:
“AITA for ‘ruining’ a bachelor party and uninviting myself to the wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I married my husband 5 yrs ago. For his bachelor night, his best friends took him out to a breastaurant—like Hooters, except it was Mexican food served by women in lingerie—and the 3 split his cheap meal, drink and 1 shot.”
“It was pretty underwhelming and only took an hour, but we didn’t say anything. These guys were 25, lived at home, no bills and all worked, so they could have done more with the year’s notice they had to plan it.”
“Five years later, his best man is getting married, and he is the best man for him now. My husband spent months trying to organize ideas for a bachelor night, but in the end, the groom told them he wants exactly this:”
“Everyone to bring alcohol to his home to pre-game, then 2 Uber XLs (on a Saturday night in the most expensive part of town) for the 8 men to go to a Brazilian Steakhouse ($63 per person), then 2 Uber XLs again to a club where they will get two bottles of table service (each bottle of 750ml Skyy Vodka is $300 before tip because a cute girl brings it out), then two more Uber XLs to the Casino where they will rent a room that sleeps four people (for 8 men) for $500/night and spend the night gambling.
“So at this point, we’re looking at being out $1-2k upfront, while they ‘get us back’, and now he’s saying he wants to rent the room Friday night as well.”
“My husband has agreed to everything but the casino hotel, as he’s out of his party phase and wants to come home. So we wouldn’t be going in on it either.”
“This has apparently ruined the entire bachelor party and the groom called us last night to ask why he won’t just go along with everything and then accused us of having money issues.”
“The entire wedding party is mad at us now and I’ve been feeling like I’m going crazy all day. Who asks this of people? I cannot imagine in my dreams ever calling someone and telling them they aren’t spending enough money on me.”
“Hubby made it clear we’re just fine financially, but unlike them, we own a home, they’re all childless and we have 3 kids in a ton of extracurriculars. This is how we choose to spend our extra money now.”
“On top of this, he still has to rent a suit for a couple hundred, and we still need to get a nice wedding gift, so I feel like this financial ask is out of hand.”
“I made a comment the groom heard—while he was guilting my husband over the phone for 1.5 hours—that they didn’t do anything for him, so they should be happy we’re going in on any of this absurd request.”
“So for the next 30 minutes, the groom attacks me and my relationship with my husband. For example, he claims he didn’t do anything for my husband’s bachelor because he wasn’t sure we were going to make it.”
“I had been with my husband for 5 years at that point. I, unfortunately, know that he’s never liked us, at least not together, which sucks because we’re doing well 10 years in.”
“So I went ahead and re-RSVP’d for just my husband to attend the wedding and declined for me and the kids.”
“I even offered to pick my husband up so he can drink all night with the guys.”
“So I’ve been stewing on this all day at work, so please let me know if I/we are the a-holes for not going along with this entire multi-day expensive bachelor party and bowing only myself and my kids out of attending the wedding.”
“They’ve been best friends since kindergarten, so he’s having trouble walking away, and I won’t ask him to. But our conversation after we both calmed down was him realizing this pattern of behavior from this particular friend group is toxic and unending, so I think he’s about to that point.”
“My husband was perfectly fine with me and the kids backing out of attending. The backing out was entirely because of the personal insults to me and my relationship.”
“I draw boundaries very clearly when people are disrespectful. There’s no grudge about my husband’s bachelor party, but I’m not going to pretend they did the same for him when they’re asking for my credit card.”
“He’s not a bad guy overall. We were kind of hoping he’d catch up to us in terms of calming down, but he’s trying to keep his party phase alive and well.”
“The disrespect for our relationship was news to my husband and this happened last night, so he’s still weighing his options on what to do with this.”
“They’ve been best friends their entire lives pretty much, so I know why he’s struggling. He’s heartbroken to find out his friend has never supported us.”
“I’m staying out of that part and just removing myself from the situation because I’ve said the nicest things I have left to say.”
“He’s well aware of my thoughts and he’s basically at the point where he doesn’t want to plan BBQs to include them and that we’re on different paths right now. He’s still willing to finish his wedding duties, because he cares deeply about this man, but he’s not getting the casino hotel no matter what happens.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“We are backing out of part of the bachelor party. The groom heard me say they didn’t celebrate my husband and then I backed out of the wedding. So am I/are we the a**hole?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the asshole (NTA).
“‘…then accused us of having money issues…’.”
“AND IF YOU DID? As if you guys not having disposable cash is a problem for THEM. The GALL!”
“NTA. This is not about policing your husband’s behavior or being a nag. This is someone who claims to be a friend demanding that your husband shell out an obscene amount of money for one night just to make him happy. Some kind of friend, that is!” ~ slackerchic
“NTA, obviously. He wants 1-2k of your money after putting in zero effort for your husband’s party, he badmouths you, insults both of you. Why would you go?”
“You’re being downright magnanimous.” ~ CuriousTiktaalik
“NTA, but why is your husband taking it? No is no, set some boundaries. My husband would have told this guy to go F*ck himself for disrespecting me at all.”
“And spending 1-2k is absurd on someone else’s wedding, especially after the disrespect and entitlement to YOUR money, especially with children in the picture. The friend seems like a narcissistic a**hole, is he even a good person?” ~ Relwood01
“Tell him you’re not sure if this marriage will last for him, so you’ll do just the $63 meal, but will catch the rest on his next marriage…” ~ beached_not_broken
“NTA. You’re good, because this dude is a petty child. Honestly, I’m surprised your husband even wants to go now with the amount of disrespect thrown towards your marriage.” ~ Optimus_Prime-Ribs
“I like the way you’re handling this, including not trying to exert influence over your husband. Well done.”
“I suspect he’ll come to very similar conclusions in his own time once he’s had time to mourn the evident end of this friendship.
“And who knows, the friend may come crawling back, either when he has his own kids, or his wife ditches him because he refuses to grow up.” ~ marvel_nut
“NTA. F*ck these types of bachelor/ette parties. Bride and groom need to pay for their own multi-day vacation instead of sticking it on their friends just because they’re getting married.” ~ andromache97
“NTA. Tell him you’ll go to his next wedding. With this many demands for partying, his marriage won’t last.” ~ akcmommy
“NTA. After the groom’s behaviour, I think tapping out of the wedding is a good idea, and then leaving it up to your husband to decide if he still wants to go and still offering to pick him up, etc…—all very reasonable.” ~ LousView
“NTA. The groom is acting like a jerk. When you are in a wedding or throwing a wedding, you have to be sympathetic to everyone else’s financial situations and compromise. Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you get to be an entitled prick.” ~ Haunting_Fish5804
It’s rare to remain close friends since kindergarten. It sounds like these friends are no longer sharing their priorities in life. And the respect and effort seem only to go one way.
Maybe it’s time to move on.