Many of us will be a part of a side hustle at some point, whether it’s monetizing a hobby or a second job.
In some cases, there will be a time and place where it’s okay to do this work and times it won’t.
But who gets to decide?
Are there different rules if your side hustle becomes your only income when a crisis like a global pandemic leaves you unemployed? If the pandemic had you moving back in with the parents, do they get to decide if your home-based business isn’t allowed in their home?
The “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit recently argued about reasonable parameters for a secondary job that became a primary during the pandemic.
Redditor embarrassedmom131 started the conversation when she discovered what her daughter was doing for money.
But when she received backlash, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was looking at it the wrong way.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my daughter she needs to leave because she does OnlyFans?”
The OP’s daughter recently moved back home because of the pandemic.
“So my daughter ([female] 25) has been pole dancing for 7 years.”
“She enjoys it a lot and as far as I know, is very good at it.”
“To my knowledge, she has only used it for exercise and until recently had a steady job in a law firm, but due to [the pandemic], her firm went bankrupt and she lost her job.”
“As a result of this, she had to move back home.”
“Since she came home, she looked for a job for a month or so and then stopped.”
“I figured she was just taking a break, and since she seemed fine and is an adult, I didn’t push it; after all we’re still in a pandemic.”
The OP then discovered something her daughter was doing while at home.
“Recently, she’s seemed to have more money and has told me she’s going to have enough to put a down payment on a house soon.”
“I told her I was proud of her and glad she would be ok financially.”
“However, recently I found out how she was earning this money.”
“It got brought to my attention she was selling videos of herself pole dancing.”
“I was shocked especially as I was informed it looked like many of these videos were filmed in my house (she has a pole in her room she uses for exercise).”
The OP and her daughter couldn’t agree about the situation.
“I confronted her about it and she seemed to consider it a non-issue: ‘I’m not naked,’ ‘No one will know it’s in your house,’ ‘It’s not exactly sex work,’ ‘It’s an art form’.”
“I told her she needed to delete the videos and account or leave.”
“She got upset, but I told her I’m not having that in my house.”
“She’s now packing her stuff and moving in with a friend until she has enough for her deposit.”
“Unbelievably, she has told people about this, and I am now getting called an AH.”
“So AITA I’m in this situation?”
“I feel I might’ve overreacted, but also like this is a serious issue.”
After pushback on Reddit, the self-described embarrassedmom added an update to claim:
“I have no issue with her doing it in her own house, a studio, a strip club, or wherever. But I don’t want videos of my house put up.”
“That is what my issue was with, not what she was doing, but that she was doing it in my house.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Most Redditors weren’t buying embarrassedmom131’s updated reason for objecting.
“The interior bedroom of the house. It’s not like it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright or Gaudi where it’s instantly identifiable.”
“People are more likely to identify the daughter, not the bedroom.”
“If this were a ‘ok you have a job now you need to contribute rent to be here’ situation, that would be one thing, but it’s an objection to the type of job.”
“What if she got an online teaching job and thousands of students were watching the interior of the bedroom? Would OP still be concerned about privacy?”
“It is specifically the type of work OP is objecting to and that’s the problem.” – MyFaceSaysItsSugar
“Check out OPs username though, ‘embarrassedmom131’ doesn’t say to me that her actual concern is privacy, it says she’s not happy about the work in general and is trying to justify herself.”
“The privacy issues are a nice red herring everyone is jumping in to avoid the fact that she’s embarrassed about how her daughter earns her money and would prefer she was broke if it saved OP’s feelings.” – Llitu9Tails
“YTA. Soooooooo… you’re mad bc she’s monetizing her hobby in your house? Would you still be mad if she were selling paintings or jewellery?”
“Or if she was a makeup artist? Singer? What if she was teaching contemporary dance online?”
“Please ask yourself why this ACTUALLY bothers you. Your CLOTHED ADULT DAUGHTER is monetizing something you ALREADY KNEW SHE DID in your house.”
“She saved up enough for a down payment but you’re mad because she was selling videos of her dancing in one spot in her bedroom?” – fridayisblackforme
“I’m going to say YTA.”
“The fact that you’re willing to kick out and (possibly) lose a relationship with your daughter over this is insane…”
“Is this one rule really worth it?” – unlawfullybanned22
“Sounds like you actually have more issue with it then you think. Maybe you’re not being honest with yourself about how you feel.”
“Because if you were truly fine with it, it wouldn’t really matter where she did it.”
“For example, if it were videos of her teaching a language or something like that, you wouldn’t care where she recorded it. You would just be proud of her for being resourceful and generating income.” – windowseat1F
Some felt since it’s mom’s house, she can have whatever rules she wants without any excuses or reasons.
“I’ll repeat this ad nauseam for all the people who think sex work anywhere you want is okay.”
“It’s f**king not. Get over it.”
“OP established a boundary that her daughter having an OnlyFans in her house is not okay.”
“Daughter refused. Daughter has to move out.”
“If she wants to stay, she has the option to delete the videos and stop making them. She didn’t want to do that, now she has to leave.”
“Duh. What the hell did she think was going to happen?”
“People here are fine if it’s someone renting out a room to say no to sex work happening in their home. This is no different.”
“‘Your house, your rules’ is king.” – arahzel
“I would definitely feel an invasion of privacy if someone were filming in my house, especially without my permission. Regardless of whether or not people could find my house.” – Able_Secretary_6835
“Beyond the safety issue, I think everyone has the right to determine if they don’t want sexual content to be produced in their home.” – maybenomaybe
Others were critical of what they believed to be the OP’s real reason for eviction.
“I bet OP will be shocked when their daughter reduces contact and stops being in their life as much.”
“People on here really don’t understand that your having a right doesn’t mean you aren’t an a**hole for how you use that right. ‘My house, My rules’ may indeed be one’s right, but it’s pretty much a guaranteed way to destroy relationships.” – JDMLeverton
“Did you. . .ask her if she could film it in a studio/at a friends (you put in the edit this would be fine but didn’t offer it in rational conversation?)”
“Or find a way to ensure the room was indistinguishable? (i.e. putting cloth up to create a solid background or doing it in a different room that can be made to act as such?)”
“Did you try and work with her at all? Was there no compromise what-so-ever?”
“No ‘then you have to pay some rent’ or ‘then we need to ensure these videos don’t show private items which could identify your location’?”
“Just ‘I don’t like how you make money in my house so get out or stop making money off the thing you enjoy’?”
“Yeah, it’s your house, it’s you’re right to kick her out for whatever reason you want.”
“YTA though. Having a right to do something doesn’t make it the right thing to do.” – QuestionableSaint
While some pointed out mom may be able to make any rules she wants so she didn’t earn a YTA for that, but her NTA was a pretty hollow victory.
“I’m going to say NTA since you are entitled to have rules for your own house.”
“Having said that, I’m not sure what prize you thought you were going to win for handling the situation this way.”
“If this rule is more important than a relationship with your daughter, then congratulations I guess.” – JammerGSONC
“While technically this person is NTA, you’ve just now severely wounded your relationship with your daughter, and I suspect that while OP claims to not have an issue with how she makes money (as long as its not in their home)…well sounds like you do have an issue.”
“NTA from certain perspectives, but YTA in your daughter’s eyes, which might be the only opinion that matters here.” ‐ sksauter
“NTA. Your house your rules.”
“But like…. what was the intended outcome here? Daughter says ‘Okie dokie’ and goes back to being unemployed and broke?”6
“She’s making money in a safe, healthy way. People on OnlyFans sell videos of all sorts of stuff.”
“Lots of which does not involve nudity. I sort of assume OP should not be thrilled if daughter got a job at a strip club to pay the bills, since that would involve more nudity and direct contact with customers.”
“OnlyFans is a way to cut a lot of that out. It sounds like a great option for a lot of people.”
“I imagine daughter is going to look at her relationship with OP way differently now. So if that’s what OP was aiming for, they’ll likely get it.” – crazycatleslie
Although many disagreed OP’s ownership rights for the house didn’t equate to OP not being the a**hole for her ultimatum to her daughter.
“Seems like an a**hole move, to me.”
“As long as she’s not doing it in front of a window or anything that could be used to pinpoint the location, what’s the problem?”
“At the very least, you’re judgey and closed-minded.” – lonelygayisland
“OP has the right to have their own house rules, but the rules can make them an a**hole.”
“This rule makes them the a**hole in my opinion.” – AzureShell
“YTA. She’s making money and she’s not performing sex acts in your house.”
“She’s pole dancing which IS an art form.” – Lexikhan_Solo
“YTA. Mostly because you’re lying to at least yourself – you’re not really worried about safety or privacy, you’re ’embarrassed’ by the fact you think your daughter is doing sex work. That’s not how you raised her!”
“You need to get over yourself and your hangups if you don’t want to risk damaging your relationship with your daughter beyond repair.” – HoldFastO2
“YTA. Your slapped-on justification that it’s about the videos being filmed in your house is flimsy.”
“If that were the case, why insist she delete the videos and the account? Especially given how many people are telling you that Onlyfans scrubs metadata from posts made through the site.”
“Why do you view her valid points—that it’s not like your house is recognizable, that she’s not naked, that it’s not even sex work—with such contempt?”
“Why would your username be ’embarrassed mom’?”
“You clearly have such a strong dislike for sex work that you’re upset your daughter would do something that even slightly resembles it, regardless of how weak that resemblance is.”
“Get a new attitude or be prepared for your relationship with your daughter to deteriorate.” – EurydiceSpeaks
The subReddit was a little divided on this, with some focused on “OP’s house, OP’s rules” while others strongly doubted embarrassedmom131’s edited reason for her objections.
Some sympathized with the OP’s unemployed daughter and her right to make a living off her previously approved hobby, even if it temporarily took place in her mother’s house.
Ultimately the majority of Redditors decided while mom can make the rules for her house, she was still the a**hole for her attitude and flimsy excuses for her objections to her daughter monetizing her hobby after getting laid off from her law office job.