We've all heard horror stories of how frustrating it is to live with a roommate who refuses to clean the apartment or help with the dishes.
But we don't talk nearly enough about how imbalanced responsibilities in the home can be detrimental to a marriage, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRAdramallam had two young children and a pair of dogs with her husband, and she found herself being made responsible for every task in their home, even when she was terribly ill or had pressing deadlines for her at-home business.
When she was ill and asked her husband to feed their dogs, only for him to go to bed with their bowls still empty, the Original Poster (OP) strongly considered divorcing the man who clearly did not respect her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for wanting a divorce because my husband didn't feed the dogs?"
The OP struggled to feel better after getting sick.
"My husband and I have been sick back to back to back lately because our kids are now in daycare."
"I'm always expected to do everything when I'm sick or when we are both sick.
"For some context, my husband is a manager at a 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM job, and I have two businesses, so I have more flexibility in my schedule than he does."
The OP's husband did very little to help whenever she was sick.
"Since having kids, I tried being a stay-at-home mom and just really wanted to pursue my businesses, so we got the kids in daycare while I put a lot of work into my businesses."
"Every time I've gotten sick, I have still had to do all the cooking, cleaning, groceries, and childcare. He will heat up Spaghettios or Mac and cheese if I ask him to make food, and that's it. The one time I was so sick, I couldn't do anything and just lay in bed, and the kids literally only had Mac n cheese, bananas, and toast every single day."
"I got really irritated last time I was sick (he wasn't) because I walked into the kitchen and the dishes were piled up. I said, 'holy s**t, it's a mess in here!'"
"He said, 'Yeah, because you've been sick.' What???"
This time when the OP was sick, her husband's behavior was no different.
"This time, he and I are both sick. I have conjunctivitis in both eyes, I slipped a disc, and I have some sort of flu-like situation happening. He has the flu, we assume."
"Despite being sick, I had to run some errands and get the kids prescriptions today (he has specifically told me to go get groceries during the day without him so he doesn't have to pick stuff up on his way home from work), and then I get home and just had a massive amount of cleaning to do, and my toddlers were nightmares."
"I obviously can't sleep with them awake, so I can't relax or anything anyway."
"My husband got home from work, took a shower, and then fell asleep on the couch. I continued making dinner for everybody. I cleaned up after the mess in the kitchen. I did the dishes. I feed the cats, I get the kids ready for bed, and we go to put them to bed as usual."
The OP's husband also wasn't setting their children up for success at bedtime.
"He always lays our one-year-old down and then lays next to her and scrolls on his phone for an hour, and I always ask him to please not do that, and he always says 'but I'll fall asleep if I don't,' to which I say, 'Then sit upright or stand; you shouldn't be laying next to her anyway.'"
"(Our son can't fall asleep without lying next to somebody because we did that for his first two years, and so now, we are in the middle of a disastrous sleep training cycle to get him out of that habit, and we've both agreed we don't want to do the same with her). But alas, he again lies next to her and pulls his phone out."
Feeding the dogs was the last straw.
"All that to say, we got out of the kids' room, and he went to bed. He usually feeds the dogs; that's his only task."
"But no. He fell asleep. He went straight to bed, put a blanket on, and passed out."
"I am still sick. I'm still hurting. I fed the dogs."
"But it feels like way more than just feeding the dogs, and I don't know if that's valid."
"And every time this happens, I feel like I'm in the wrong because I feel selfish for expecting him to go to work and then also feed the dogs? We always fight, and he tells me he's come a really long way from the beginning of our relationship, where he wouldn't do anything at all, and I feel guilty for not appreciating that."
"I've repeatedly told him that the longer I have to go through the same routines of requesting he do more and do better with no results, the less love and connection I'm going to feel, and inevitably, it will lead to divorce."
"Sometimes he seems genuinely concerned (but nothing changes), and sometimes he gets defensive and goes on his whole 'I've grown so much' spiel."
"Am I wrong for just being so done with this that I want a divorce?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were exhausted just from thinking about all that the OP had to do all the time.
"NOR, I'm exhausted just reading about what you have to do." - 269funtimes
"Reading this was exhausting. You're sick, in pain, running errands, doing all the housework, and he can't even feed the dogs without being reminded? That's not partnership; that's you being a single parent with a roommate or very large child (although, most kids DELIGHT in having a chance to feed their family pets)." - FunQuantity6074
"I'm exhausted reading this post and SOOO angry that a woman is treated like a slave in her own home."
"Predictions have been made that in ten years, 46 percent of women will be childfree, not to mention voluntarily single, and it's really no mystery why. If anyone is scratching their head, this husband can be Exhibit A."
"NOR." - HedyHarlowe
"Posts like this are like single life advertisements. None of this for me, thanks!"
"OP, I don't have kids, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you'd be SO much happier, just you, the kids, and if you want them, the dogs (and find good homes for them, and don't feel bad about it, if you don't; just don't leave them with your won't-even-feed-them-ex). You'd still have to take care of everything, but from what I hear, caring for yourself and kids' stuff is noticeably different than adding in another adult, especially one who doesn't pull their weight."
"Maybe we should both listen to this singles ad. NOR all the way." - Butterfly_Blvd1378
"NOR. Is there ANYTHING he’s doing to actively improve the quality of your or your children’s lives?"
"My husband does all our laundry and cleans up after dinner every day. If I’m sick or at work late, he has basic meals he can make. He’s not a cook, but he’ll try if I need help."
"I’m so annoyed at your husband and sad you cannot just freaking rest when you’re sick. You need a partner, not another kid to take care of." - RobertaRohbeson
"NOR. I am livid, LIVID, just by reading your post. I get it, sister. S**t."
"With the sleeping situation on top of everything. Get help with cleaning and food delivery. Or stock up the freezer for apocalypse situations like these. And have a talk to this man… God. Oh god."
"Then, on top of everything, you have to coach an adult man on how to be functional. Sorry you are going through all of that."
"Be consistent with changing the sleeping situation with the kids now that they are this small. It just gets worse and worse if you delay it (I am finally having the kids sleeping in their beds at the ages of seven and five, and the sleep deprivation really affected me). So do that now for all of you."
"Then have someone helping with cleaning and food, also."
"P.S. My kids are a little older, so I want to add, I promise, it gets better, this nightmare of kids getting sick all the time with the daycare. But these first years are hell indeed." - kathleen_kelly_ygm
Others agreed and pointed out that imbalanced emotional labor was a relationship killer.
"Wow, he wants a gold star for not being as much of a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate slob as when you first got together?!"
"That’s a massive red flag. He was never partner material to begin with. You are NOR. But you are fighting a very uphill battle. He’s a lazy, selfish, immature d**k. Please let this be the last straw. You can’t live like this forever. And you deserve better." - stephaniestar11
"It feels like a crash out because you are a married single mom, whether you are feeling good or you are sick."
"He is not helping, and, in fact, is now going to give your youngest child poor sleeping habits that you are going to have to work to solve." - Proverbs21-3
"So sorry you are dealing with this... It sounds like hubby is weaponizing incompetence... maybe a kick in the a** will wake him up."
"Deal with this sooner rather than being a parent of three... because it sounds like hubby is your biggest child, not a partner."
"Hubby needs to decide if he is in or out, but please don't tolerate this type of crap behaviour. I really hope he wakes up and realizes you and his children are worth his best effort." - Beginning-Potato-617
"I was reaching burnout, fast, and I told my husband, 'I don't need something/someone else I have to deal with, I need a partner.' That adjusted his thinking and behavior."
"When he started to slide back, I would ask, 'Are you my partner, or are you just something else I have to deal with?' He really adjusted his behavior, and it's why we're still married today. If he hadn't, I don't believe this would still be the case."
"I stand by this, OP clearly has enough to take care of. Her partner should be just that, a partner who can help carry the load, and he clearly isn't able or willing to do this." - Final_Swordfish_93
"NOR. This goes SO much deeper than him not feeding the dogs. I hate to break it to you, but you're a married single mom. You may as well divorce him. You're doing everything by yourself, anyway. You'll just have less to do by not having to deal with him."
"The fact that he does the bare minimum (if that) and expects you to be grateful because he's 'better than he was in the beginning' is pretty mind-blowing. He must've lain around like a garden slug before if THIS is an improvement. He won't change, and this is as good as it's gonna get."
"You need to now ask yourself if you want to continue living like this. Best of luck!" - Thick_Mick_Chick
"NOR. This isn't only about the dogs, or only this one time."
"He is treating you as his mommy, nanny, live-in maid, and personal chef... and yet I see no sign of him treating you like his wife, his partner, the love of his life."
"I'll die alone, I swear. I can't believe this is what relationships are for so many people. I'm truly sorry, OP." - GetYourOwnJams
Though it was just putting some food in the dogs' bowls, but not feeding the dogs was the cherry on top of a big problem, not the entire problem itself. The husband's unwillingness to do any extra tasks around the house when his wife was sick and his stubbornness regarding their daughter's sleep schedule spoke volumes about his respect for his wife.
