Most of us have had at least one neighbor in the past who made us uncomfortable, whether because they were rude, loud, a little unusual, or simply unwilling to take a hint that we weren't interested in what they were offering.
Even if they are nice, that unwillingness to recognize boundaries has to be the worst version of a neighbor ever, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Cool_Sleep_5096 had several neighbors who she had no problem coexisting with, but there was one single dad who, while he was nice when they interacted in the hallway, seemed increasingly unwilling to take a hint.
After he started to text her late at night to try to get her to come over, even after she said no and explained that she had a migraine, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting about my neighbor's intentions?"
The OP was comfortable with the neighbors in her building.
"I'm a 22-year-old woman living alone (with my cat) in an apartment situated in an old building with only two apartments per floor."
"I know all of my neighbors. On the second floor with me is a mid-20s, almost-30s man. On the first floor, there are two elderly women, and on the ground floor, there is a couple in their mid-30s or early-40s and a single dad, I would say in the same age range."
But the single dad on the ground floor was starting to push boundaries.
"Yesterday, around 11:00 PM, I received a message from the single dad."
"At first, it wasn't that weird because we're talking a lot when we see each other in the hallways or on the street in front of the building."
"But it escalated quite weirdly... He started asking me to listen to some music with him (I'm a musician and he knows)."
"But, being so late and having a migraine, I kindly said to him not tonight, but if he wanted, we could tomorrow."
"I don't really know why, but he kept on trying to get us to see each other?"
You can see the text messages here:
After asking if the OP was home, the neighbor invited her over:
"I'm actually listening to some good music, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over and listen to it together."
"Experimental soul jazz, in fact."
The OP politely declined.
"Oh, that's so nice of you to think of me!"
"Unfortunately, I've had a pretty busy day today, and I have a bad migraine. But tomorrow during the day if you like?"
The neighbor continued to insist.
"Sorry about your migraine."
"It's a shame because I was feeling good for a good soul session."
"Maybe your migraine can be cured with some good music?"
"Actually, you've had a migraine since yesterday?"
u/Cool_Sleep_5096/Reddit
You can see the continued conversation here:
The OP advocated for herself.
"Yes, actually, I suffer from migraines, so I have my medication... but I often have to plunge into the dark with a cold pack on my head."
The guy agreed.
"Okay, so it's heavy."
The OP tried to end the conversation.
"Yeah, but I'm used to it."
"In any case, have a good soul session!"
The neighbor continued to push for the OP to come over.
"I know some grandmother's remedies for migraines."
"You know the coffee trick with candle wax?"
u/Cool_Sleep_5096/Reddit
You can see the third and final text messages here:
The neighbor even used the OP's migraines to have her come over.
"If you have some aluminum foil, I can make it for you."
"Do you want to try?"
The OP shut the offer down.
"That's good to know. If you don't mind another time, I'm going to go to sleep."
u/Cool_Sleep_5096/Reddit
The OP's boyfriend also found the neighbor's insistence to be weird.
"Also, I was explaining the situation to my boyfriend at the same time, laughing at first, but then getting weirded out..."
"My boyfriend told me that it was indeed really weird..."
"So... am I overreacting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some encouraged the OP not to respond to the guy's messages anymore.
"Next time, just don't respond. It's 11:00 PM." - Such_Programmer8350
"NOR. The audacity of that man to text you late at night! Just ignore it completely, as in, don't answer it at all, not even the next day."
"If he sees you in person later and asks why you never answered, say, 'Oh, I guess I never saw it; I go on 'Do Not Disturb' at 9:00 PM.'"
"If he texts during reasonable hours with similar invitations, just say, 'No thanks! I'm busy.' Follow-up pestering questions can then be ignored, because you are, in fact, busy." - Sweaty-Blacksmith572
"Just leave it at, 'Oh, I guess I never saw it.' OP, if you say you go on do not disturb at a certain time, he will just work around that. If you say, 'I never saw it,' and keep saying it. He might get a clue you don't like him or at least that texting is not how to reach you."
"That said, there is also no law that says you ever have to answer your door, because that is going to be his next move. Do not answer the door if he ever knocks." - Advanced_Mud1294
"I feel like 'not responding' as an option doesn't even occur to younger people anymore. It's become something they have to learn."
"It's like socially ingrained that leaving someone on read is insulting and rude. It's not. (Also, turn your read receipts off; it's nobody's business if you're ignoring them). You don't generally need to explain to anyone why you're saying no, why you aren't texting them back, what you're doing at the moment, etc." - diddinim
"Yeah, no. Don't go. Stop responding to his message. No offence, but he doesn't want to be friends with you." - Khalisti
"OP, I say this with love, but you are being WAAAAY too nice/polite with him. And even saying, 'Maybe tomorrow?' Makes it sound like you are just as eager to do this as he is. No no no no no."
"It's fine that you have neighborly chitchat in the hallway, but ANY time he asks you to do ANYTHING, you are busy. Period. End of story. You 'can't, so sorry, it's just not possible.' No need to get into specifics because he will only try to turn them around. Just be VAGUE and FIRM and 'thanks, but I can't.'"
"And everyone needs to learn how to take control of a convo at your age, and if you haven't learned that, now's the time. Controlling it and in this case, ending it. 'Nope, I can't. Sorry, but thanks for asking. Hey, I've gotta run. Have a great night/day!'"
"If you have a way to mute texts from him, do that too. There is no law that says you ever have to answer texts or even read them. Start ignoring his texts, especially when they're after hours. Three or four days later, you might say, 'Oh, just seeing this...' OR don't even answer at all. Any scrap of attention only feeds his delusion that there will be something between you."
"Also, make sure there is plenty of mention of the boyfriend in any hallway convos. While also trying to minimize these convos." - Advanced_Mud1294
Others were angry on the OP's behalf about her migraine symptoms.
"He definitely googled those remedies five minutes before texting about them." - Content-Bathroom-434
"I don't think he has ever had a migraine if he is suggesting music will cure it before offering 'grandma's remedy.'" - Glittering_Taro9983
"I hate people who think Migraine is just a 'pretty bad headache.' When I have them, I literally cannot see. The center of my vision goes out, and I can't read, I can't see faces when I look at people... it's horrible."
"Sometimes there's vomiting that goes along with the pain that usually lasts for a couple of days. It's not like, 'Oh, have you had coffee? That helps headaches.'"
"'Do you need an aspirin? That helps me, but usually I'm just dehydrated. Have some water.' Like, godd**n. I get you're trying to help, but you don't know what I'm dealing with." - Ok-Oil7124
"Also questioning that she's had it two days? Like yeah, they can easily go UP THERE."
"Seriously, they can go longer in rare cases. My record is 17 days in the acute phase. I had to get steroids."
"Migraines are complex neurological conditions that the pain portion typically resolves within hours, but the prodrome (early changes and warnings) and postdrome (migraine hangover) can take the attack into a days."
"She needs to tell him that she doesn't want to hang out with him. Period. He made her uncomfortable, and she only takes migraine advice from her medical team. Never be alone with him or hang out with him. I wouldn't babysit for him, either." - SherLovesCats
"The last thing you want during a migraine is NOISE, LIGHT, or COMPANY. This guy doesn't know anything about migraines; he just wants... 'intimacy.'" - BabalonNuith
The subReddit supported the OP in having boundaries, especially when she medically needed to do something else like rest, and especially because she wasn't even interested.
While it can be nice to establish great relationships with neighbors, not everyone is meant to be friends, and if both people aren't feeling it, it definitely shouldn't be forced.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.