We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: when it comes to wedding planning, the final say should always go to the bride and groom.
But it seems like there will always be people who believe they have the right to butt into their plans, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor amitheahthrowaway22 was planning her wedding and was excited about who she had selected for her wedding party.
But when her mother criticized her selections, the Original Poster (OP) turned around with an ultimatum.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my mom she doesn’t need to come to my wedding?”
The OP’s family had quite the history.
“My (28 Female) mom (58 Female) cheated on my dad with Zac (41 Male), which lead to their divorce when I was 13.”
“Mom and Zac married shortly after and they’re still together.”
“My dad (62 Male) also remarried years later to Sienna (55 Female), and Sienna has a daughter, Holly (21 Female) from a previous relationship.”
“I have a really good relationship with my dad, Sienna, and Holly, and I have an okay relationship with my mom and Zac now.”
The OP was excited to be planning her own wedding.
“I’m getting married early next year.”
“My older sister is my MOH (Maid of Honor), my older brother is a groomsman, and Holly is a bridesmaid.”
“I know we’re just step-sisters, but I don’t consider Holly any less than my full siblings.”
She later shared some of the details with her mother.
“So I was over at my mom’s place a few days ago. She invited me over for lunch and I shared some of the wedding plans with her.”
“She looked pretty surprised when I said Holly is a bridesmaid.”
“I asked her if anything was wrong.”
“She asked me to reconsider putting Holly in the bridal party, as in her opinion, that should be reserved for closest family and friends and not step-siblings.”
“I said I do consider Holly to be ‘close family.'”
“My mom replied that she’s my dad’s new wife’s daughter and isn’t related to us by blood.”
The OP didn’t want to hear what her mother had to say.
“I got kind of mad at her jabbing.”
“I snapped, ‘It’s my wedding and I get to decide who’s in the bridal party and who’s not. If you have such an issue with it, you and your cheater husband don’t need to show up. I’m sure both of you have plenty of extracurricular activities planned.'”
“Mom got really mad, said I was disrespecting her in her home, and told me to leave, which I did.”
Her mother wasn’t letting it go.
“I told my sister this whole thing to get another perspective, and she said I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But my mom sent me a message later, saying she was hurt, and I was unnecessarily rude to her and Zac.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the mother deserved the critical feedback she received.
“OP’s mom deserved every bit of that. She was most likely being jealous because OP is close with her stepfamily and doesn’t consider them stepfamily anymore.” – Merebankguy
“Sometimes it’s ok to remind someone who cheated that they don’t have any say who the OP should consider family since she ruined her daughter’s family with her cheating.” – Moist-Reference3092
“The mother has no say, ESPECIALLY when OP’s stepfamily has helped her heal from the situation. From what I’ve read, OP and Mom’s relationship is still strained, and Mom is UBER jealous that she considers Holly a sister.” – Minute-Judge-5821
“She was absolutely right to go after her mom.”
“I don’t know if it’s possible to have 2 MOH’s (I’m from a different culture), but if it is, I would totally upgrade step-sister to a 2nd MOH just because of that comment from mom.” – nutwit9211
“OP’s mom cheated and broke up the family and all of a sudden wants to dictate who OP has in her bridal party?? She deserved every bit of that.” – poo_explosion
“OP’s mom also talks about ‘real family’ but is the one that cheated and broke up her own nuclear family. Somehow family is so important to her, but not when she needed to get her jollies.” – just_peachy1000
“My Stepsister hasn’t been my sister for over ten years legally. She was in my wedding as a bridesmaid. She helped me decorate my venue.”
“She is in my dad’s will as a child inheritor, and my siblings and I said if somehow she gets overlooked, we will pool to give her an equal share. She is our SISTER.”
“The Bridal party is for whoever you want, and if you want your ‘step’ sister there, then she will stand next to you with PRIDE.”
“No, your mom can take a long walk off a short pier. NTA and good on you.”
“There’s a time to be respectful to a disrespectful parent and a time to put them in their place.”
“Disrespecting a familial relationship you are very happy with and to degrade it? That’s a time to put rude parents in their place. The end.” – TimericaKepris
Others felt that this comeback was likely building up for a long time.
“Things built up to that moment. Some things you can’t just let slide.”
“You let your mom know she has no right to determine who is family when she and Zac tore it apart. NTA. Maybe that bit of truth will help her open her eyes to what kind of person she’s been.” – MadScientistCoder
“Could it be phrased less explosively? Sure. Should it? H**l no.”
“Mom was overtly and cruelly disrespecting OP’s sister because she doesn’t fulfill mom’s arbitrary standard for who is family, after a history of cheating and then marrying her sidepiece.”
“She deserves everything that’s coming to her, including disrespectful comments, because it is clear she has no respect for anyone, least of all OP herself.” – ElectricBlueFerret
“It sounds like mom got exactly what she deserved by trying to insinuate that Holly didn’t belong.”
“Personally, I think the mom is jealous that dad got to keep his kids’ respect and remarry an outstanding woman with a well-adjusted child that is now family… and cheating mom only got Zac.” – Just_Some_Moran
“OP, while I think you needed to let out some pent-up anger against your Mom, I think you need to sit down with your Mom again. I might apologize for the way in which you expressed your anger.”
“But also take the time to tell her that her cheating really did some damage and how it changed your view of her. Maybe she will be open to a discussion, maybe not. But at least you can walk away from this knowing that YOU did the right thing.”
“NTA.” – No-Anything-4440
“My own mother was not beneath smacking me in the mouth for speaking like that to her. If OP’s mom is anything like mine was, she may also not be beneath planning on getting revenge in some way later, perhaps at the wedding.”
“I’m used to having to censor myself to keep the peace. But if OP’s mom is not like that, then her original statement, since it reflects her feelings, is just fine.”
“What OP’s mom did 15 years ago, as well as denying OP’s stepsister now, was horrible, and I certainly know what it’s like to deal with. I’ve been there before with my mom, but my mom wasn’t right in the head.” – SubAtomicSpaceCadet
“Blood, schmlood. ‘Blood’ ties are almost invariably cited by people being vile to other people they have these ties to.”
“OP’s mother is a case in point. She left her closest blood relatives, her own children, to go off with another man.”
“It’s hardly surprising OP measures others by their worth as people rather than how closely-related they are.” – HerefsAndrew
“NTA. Your mom is being TA. Your stepsister is not only your sister but a close friend. Your mom seems jealous that you have a close relationship with her. It must remind her of her infidelity.”
“Enjoy your wedding with all the people that love and support you! Best Wishes!” – mozartj
“Your mom didn’t just cheat on your dad. She cheated on her whole family. You had a life and she destroyed it. Worse yet, she brought her AP (alternate partner) into your lives.”
“Of course you prefer your family with your dad. Of course you want your sister by choice as a bridesmaid.”
“This internet mom is so proud that you have a relationship with your mom. She needs to be reminded that this relationship is fully contingent on your good graces and she should never say anything to be out of them. She lost any right to an opinion a long time ago.” – LongNectarine3
The subReddit not only believed the OP had done the right thing, but they were also proud of her for standing up for her stepsister, who they believed was more of a sister than not.
They also importantly pointed out that the mother really didn’t have a say in the planning, especially since Holly wouldn’t even be in the OP’s life if it were not for the relationship she started over a decade ago.