Doing something nice for your family often gets you praise. If they appreciate it, you’ll get some kind words and life moves on.
Redditor Tiny-City-9550 got a little more than that when her brother-in-law (BIL) complained about the different treatment he received. The original poster (OP) just wants to make lunch for her dad, but should she also do it for her BIL?
To find out, she decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” subReddit if she was being a jerk by refusing her BIL’s request.
It’s different when it’s your dad.
“AITA for packing my dad’s lunch but not my BIL and refusing when demanding to?”
And her BIL doesn’t have the best reputation with the family.
“My (17F[emale])parents have been remodeling the house, my dad tore a big chunk in the back and he, my brother (19M[ale]) and my sister’s husband (27M) have been cleaning and picking the rubbish that was left.”
“Is important to say that I do not like my BIL at all, he’s quite misogynistic, disrespectful and has no boundaries. I know how badly this speaks of my family, but my brother and father are nothing like that and they too believe that he’s awfully wrong, here is so much we can do when my sister claims she’s happy with this.”
“I try to interact as less as I can with him, and I feel uncomfortable in his presence because until a few years ago he used to made fun of me for anything I did. He’s also used to have my sister or my mom do things for him like cooking, serving him his own plate, laundry, childcaring, anything.”
“That being said, my father and my BIL usually leaves at the same hour to work (My dad works in construction and BIL at a company), I’ve been doing my dad’s lunch for two years now since I got a liking to cooking, I cook dinner for all of us and I only pack some for him, for example, during this instance, I made enchiladas so I packed him a few, with a side of lettuce, sour cream and green salsa in small containers, a bag of chips and a few chunks of sliced fruit (apple and pear), I also pack him a water and coke.”
“When they came to the kitchen (with my mom) I told my dad that his lunch was already in his car so he could eat something and leave without worrying, and my BIL said ‘what about me?’. I just shrugged my shoulders and said that I left him a container in the island and he was more than welcome to pack his own stuff, that there were waters and cokes in the fridge.”
“He gave me a dirty look and asked why I didn’t do it for him and I said ‘You’re not my dad so…’, my mom got in the middle and told me to start pack my BIL’s lunch and he smirked when she said that, but I just sat with my plate and said no, that he could pack his own lunch or buy something at his job, my mom said that I was embarrassing her but my dad cut all for this when he told my BIL to stop fighting and pack his own stuff because I already cooked for all of us.”
“He ended up saying he would eat something at work and left early, my mom tried to berate me, but my dad cut her out and said that my BIL is already an adult, she said ‘but she packs your lunch’ and my dad said ‘yeah, but I don’t demand it’. When he left my mom called me an AH and that she raised me better.
OP cooks dinner and often uses the leftovers to make a lunch for her dad, but her sister’s husband is feeling left out. On the other hand, OP isn’t obligated to make her BIL lunch, and if he wanted a better relationship with family, he’d be nicer.
Should OP stand her ground, or is she being a jerk?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing her BIL’s request to make him lunch by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
What OP does for her dad isn’t a request. He didn’t ask her, nor is he now forcing her. She does it because she loves her father.
It’s different when someone is demanding you do something for them. On top of that, the BIL treats the women in OP’s family with disrespect.
There is nothing that OP owes her BIL, despite claims from her mother.
“NTA your BIL is not your responsibility and he’s an a**hole.”
“Nothing requires you to serve him.”
“Your Mom can pack his lunch is she wants that so badly.” – Lurker_the_Pip
“NTA. Your BIL sounds terrible. And your mom sucks for making you into a slave.”
“Your dad is awesome and right. Your BIL can go f*** himself.”
“I am so disappointed in your mother it hurts.” – MeowzyThrowaway
“He’s a really unpleasant person, I’ve known him for years and when I was 11 and entering puberty, he would laugh at me LOUDLY for having a mustache when I didn’t even know I could grow one to the point of crying.”
“My dad kicked him out of the house for like a month because of that and he had to apologize for me in front of the family lol” – Tiny-City-9550 (OP)
“NTA – your BIL is TA. why would you DEMAND a 17year old or anyone to pack your lunch especially when he treats you like sh*t. Your mum and your sister is enabling his disgusting behaviour.”
“100pts to your dad for defending you” – Trick-Sit-420
“NTA why is your mother enabling this Behavior? I understand why your sister is putting up with it. She married into that trash.” “But your mother should not be lowering you to his standards of living.”
“Good thing your dad is there to stop the BS.” – Tr0llingintheDeep
“If your mom is so full on about it, she can pack everybody lunch and you can cut back to just cooking the night before. If she won’t support her whole family like that, then you can suggest that the least she could do is support her daughter.”
“Or your BiL can ask the woman in his life to pull her weight and pack him a lunch.”
“If he’s going to be misogynistic about it; Your dad is your ‘representative male’ and he has you and your mom as his ‘representative females’.”
“Your sister has your BiL as her representative male, and she is his representative female. If anyone’s making his lunch it should be your sister.”
“If she claims she’s not happy about that, then you can point out that it’s a pattern of behaviour where he expects all women to be subservient to him and you’re not going to put up with it.” – wolfling365
OP’s relationship with her father is the standout moment here. It’s so nice that she wants to make a lunch for him.
Not to say that relationships are transactional, but maybe if the BIL treated women with respect, and was nicer to OP, she’d want to make him a lunch.
The father is the real hero here.
“NTA. And that’s really sweet you pack dad’s lunch. When I did things like that, my dad thanked me, kinda shyly.”
“He told my mom what a great daughter I was & they ‘were best lunches.’ Gosh I miss that man.” – verucka-salt
“He acts like a little kid when I pack his lunches and he’s always happy, I remember him crying the first time because my grandma died when he was 4 so no one packed a lunch for him ever and he got so emotional.”
“It’s funny because I didn’t planned or anything, I really liked how the food turned out that time that I said ‘I should pack my dad some’ and I never stopped after that because he really loved it” – Tiny-City-9550 (OP)
OP was overjoyed at the response, and reassurance that she isn’t wrong for standing up for herself.
She came back and updated to thank the Reddit board.
“ETA: I posted this and got distracted with homework, wow! I didn’t thought it would get this much attention, thank you all for your judgments! I’ll be reading comments and answering some now.”
“ETA: THANKS EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMMENTS ABOUT MY DAD! He’s truly is the best and I love him with all my heart, I’m really happy that you’re saying awesome things about him, he hasn’t read the post or comments, but my brother is! He’s happy and thankful too!”
There isn’t much more OP needs to do. She’s standing up for herself, has her dad on her side.
Now mom just needs to understand, she didn’t raise a doormat, and things should be better.