It’s hard enough when you and a friend are attracted to the same person.
But what happens when it’s you and a family member?
That was the scenario outlined in a post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known anonymously as Aitafamilythrow on the site, took a firm stance in the post’s title.
“AITA for telling my sister to just get over it about my marriage and not coddling her?”
OP began with some family history.
“I’m one of 3 girls: Patty, Mara (me) and Ava. Patty is my bio cousin and had a very open adoption. She’s also on the spectrum but in the way that it would just lead to social problems.”
“In the neighborhood where I grew up, there was a family with 3 boys: Sam, Alex, and Zac.”
“Our parents were all friends and joked that because we were all close in age, us kids would probably all grow up to marry each other.”
“Patty and Sam were in the same grade and I was 2 grades below them.”
But things changed over time.
“Sam’s parents divorced and his mom had Zac the same year Ava was born. My mother and Ava passed away.”
“Patty had a crush on Sam all through high school, but he wasn’t interested in her.”
“She started choosing to spend the summers with her bio parents in high school after our mother passed, so she was gone most of the time.”
But then some drama ensued.
“The summer of my sophomore year, I went out with Sam a few times, but nothing came of it.”
“Patty was off spending the summer with her bio parents like she had done since our mother passed, so she was away for this.”
“She was furious about it when she found out and she accused me of “stealing her man” (who wasn’t interested).”
“Sam ended up taking Patty to prom later that year so she could go (school policy) but that was it.”
A later development only added to the tension.
“Sam and I started dating again right before I finished college.”
“When we broke the news to our families, my father and Sam’s mother + siblings were thrilled, but Patty looked distraught.”
“I thought that this long after high school, she would have gotten past it even if she hadn’t dated anyone yet.”
“I was wrong. She left the room crying, and ended up calling out of work sick that entire week. She hasn’t spoken to me directly since then because I ‘stole her man.’ “
But OP had a life to live.
“We decided to marry early last year.”
“My father begged us to hold off to give Patty more time to accept it. We waited for a while and then realized that life is too short and Patty had already had an entire decade post-high school.”
The wedding went as expected.
“We got married with just our immediate families.”
“Patty spent the entire wedding sobbing until my father took her home, which meant that I didn’t get to have a single picture with my father that day.”
A recent gathering put stress on things.
“The first normal holiday was July 4th.”
“My father asked me to ‘keep distance’ from Sam while there because Patty is ‘still sensitive’ about ‘the whole thing’ and he just wants her to be able to have the ability to socialize again, which she can’t do if she’s miserable.”
“We thought this was ridiculous, and acted like any other married couple.”
OP was stunned by her family’s response.
“Patty left after an hour, and now my father is mad at me.”
“He says he just asked for one little thing, and that I/we should know how limited her social life has been and how much she can’t afford to lose her social skills, and now we’re driving her away from the entire family.”
“Our extended family is on their side and says that we just need to be more sensitive because of Patty’s needs but I don’t think it’s wrong of me to want to have the same treatment of any other adult married couple.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors assured OP she was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Why is your entire family seemingly catering to such a juvenile situation? A boy you have a crush on who doesn’t reciprocate the feelings is not off-limits to others, sorry. If she can’t be over it 10 years later that is her problem not yours.”
“Not to mention he is now your HUSBAND. Asking you to keep your distance from your husband at a family gathering is just so ridiculous I can’t fathom.” — EveningJellyfish1
“NTA You are right. Patty needs to get over it and your dad needs to stop coddling her. She should be in therapy over this. You guys should not be upending your life to accommodate her.”
“Sam was never ‘her man.’ Someone needs to explain that you don’t get to call dibs on a guy.” — GreekAmericanDom
Others were frank about how not okay Patty’s behavior was.
“NTA Your family is coddling what is frankly creepy behavior.”
“This isn’t ‘one little thing.’ It’s not picking up an extra order or giving someone a ride – it’s asking you to avoid your own spouse at family functions because of a sibling’s possessive jealousy.”
“This should have been nipped in the bud and dealt with a decade ago.” — Kettlewise
“NTA. Patty’s fixation on Sam is *really* unhealthy, and although it’s not uncommon for those on the spectrum to hyper-fixate, when the thing they’re fixated on is harmful then it has to be addressed.”
“Rather than your father pressuring you to adjust your whole life to accomodate Patty, he should be putting some pressure on Patty’s parents for them to try to convince her to get into therapy (or bring it up with her therapist if she already has one).”
“Being that obsessed with a boy you had a crush on in high school to the point that she is possessive of him and missing work because of it is just kinda… yikes.” — AccessibleBeige
So, if Reddit is any indication, OP can rest assured she and Sam are free to act however they please around family.