There never seems to be an easy way to tell someone they smell.
It’s often one of the topics that makes people feel self-conscious.
But sometimes alerting people to this problem is imperative.
There are subtle ways to let people know.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic.
Redditor Additional_Mess_9189 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my boyfriend he smells?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My B[oy]F[riend] and I just recently closed the gap in a L[ong]-D[istance] R[elationship].”
“I’m a 24 F[emale] who loves smelling good because I grew up with a mother who never taught hygiene or did laundry correctly, so I’m super sensitive.”
“My boyfriend 31 M[ale], has to be told to wear deodorant (because he says we’re not supposed to wear it 24/7), but he ends up almost immediately smelling like Body Odor after a shower.”
“When he gets home from work, he stinks, and I started off calling it out playfully, but now, like he legit stinks.”
“If I say anything about it, he just gets so offended with me.”
“I just want him to smell nice so I can nuzzle up next to him and not be engulfed by B[ody] O[dor], but he acts like I am so mean for even bringing it to his attention.”
“He’s currently mad at me because he got in bed next to me and I told him he stinks.”
“I love him more than anything.”
“I just wish he cared more about how he smells.”
“I feel like I shouldn’t be close to gagging when he raises his arms in his sleep or to hug me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?? Is there a better way to go about it?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“And just think, he’s been stinking of BO the entire time you were in an LDR, and you had no idea.”
“He shouldn’t be smelling like BO immediately after showering, either.”
“He’s a grown man, you need to straight up tell him he stinks and needs to do something about it.”
“No more gentle parenting.”
“Good luck. NTA.” ~ Fair_Theme_9388
“I honestly am so sensitive to smells, it’s a borderline phobia.”
“I would not be precious about this.”
“‘I like you, I love your company, but this is actually a deal breaker for me. Hygiene is important to me, and if it’s not for you, I can respect that, but this is going to be a deal-breaker if we can’t be on the same page here. Love you. Now get this s**t under control.’” ~ Melmoth_Wanderer
“Poor personal hygiene? You want to live with that for the rest of your life?”
“Be the woman with the smelly husband?”
“Your kids with the smelly dad?”
“No, he needs to address this, and if he doesn’t, you’re just not compatible. NTA.” ~ LottieOD
“I once dated someone and discovered when we showered together for the first time that he just squirted gel soap onto his shoulders and just let it run down his body 😭.”
“I was mortified, and he, too, got offended just like this weirdo.”
“He said he doesn’t have to scrub cause the soap doesn’t for him(?).”
“Another strange similarity is that there was also a near 10-year age gap between me and this dude.” ~ rrodrick386
“NTA. I’ve known guys like this; they refuse to use deodorant even when people tell them they reek.”
“I don’t understand it.” ~ PeepholeRodeo
“NTA. Girl. This is one of those things where love is not enough.”
“If he wanted to, he would.”
“You’ve told him multiple times that you value good smells in your home.”
“And the least he can do is wear deodorant for you.”
“But he chooses not to because he doesn’t want to.”
“He’s actively choosing your discomfort.”
“You know what my BF does when I tell him he is stinky?”
“He does whatever is needed to fix it.”
“Deodorant, brushing teeth, even baby wiping an area, etc., and I’m not bragging, I just feel like that’s basic respect in a relationship.”
“Especially with someone you want to be close with physically.” ~ Buffalo-Empty
“Also, like, you want your lover to be attracted to you.”
“Most people would be horrified to learn that anything about them is off-putting to their lover.”
“When it’s something they can control, they’d of course control it.’
“This dude sucks.” ~ lllollllllllll
“Tell him you can’t get turned on for sex with his BO.”
“Ask him if he scrubs, uses soap, and insist on a strong deodorant.”
“Tell him in no uncertain terms that you don’t even like lying next to him.”
“Tell him it is a real problem for you.
“Maybe don’t use the word ‘stink’ though.”
“If he gets it through his head that his stench is keeping him from getting laid, that might be the motivation he needs.” ~ Quilty-Friend
“NTA. You don’t have to put up with these odors, especially something he can control.”
“But maybe instead of telling him he outright stinks, you should talk to him about it, how hygiene is important to you.” ~ BrightStudio
“NTA. Refuse sex for a few weeks.”
“He’ll ask what’s wrong, and you can tell him that you love him, but scent is a major aphrodisiac for you, and his BO just isn’t cutting it.”
“Or have a heart-to-heart and explain to him exactly what you’ve told us.” ~ sunsandsurf95
“You should check out Dr Squatch soap and deo.”
“It’s all natural, so maybe he won’t mind putting it on in the morning, and it smells great.”
“You are not an a-hole.”
“It can be an uncomfortable conversation, but smelling bad is unattractive, and he should want to smell good.”
“You telling him once should have been enough to change.” ~ sheetrocker88
“If he is anti-deodorant and you are sensitive to smells, then you guys are incompatible on a fundamental level.”
“There is nothing you can say to make him care.”
“Your options are to learn to live with his level of smell or break up.”
“When you break up with him, you definitely should tell him why. NTA.” ~ CalamityClambake
“NTA. Since he’s still smelly after a shower, maybe see if he’ll try to wash with antibacterial soap.”
“I saw a TikTok about using it and tried it myself because I feel like there’s always a lingering odor after a bath, too, and sure enough, it worked.” ~ melonmassacre
“NTA. It’s reasonable to want basic hygiene in a relationship.”
“Be gentle but direct.”
“Frame it around how it affects your closeness, not as an attack.” ~ friiedchiicken
“NTA. To me, your BF is embarrassed and insecure about the situation and shut communication about the topic down as you mentioned (probably reinforced as well by past troubles around it).”
“I’m not sure what can be done about the medical side, surely there is something you can take/apply/what-have-you… but shutting down a partner in conflict situations is a breeding ground for more problems down the road.”
“If you want the relationship to last, it seems there is more work in front of you both than just a BO problem.” ~ roam3D
“NTA, and honestly, I don’t see your relationship lasting much longer if you have to constantly point it out to him.”
“Getting offended when you call him out on his B.O. is ridiculous and childish.”
“He’s too damn old to be acting like that and not taking care of his hygiene.” ~ Personal-Coast6503
“Girl, it’s time to leave.”
“If he smells a quick shower before getting into bed should be the minimum that he does.”
“You can’t fix him, but be honest with him when you leave.”
“Hygiene is important to, and a man that will crawl into my bed stinking is gross.”
“God forbid you stay and have kids with this stink monster.” ~ Objective_Attempt_14
“NTA. Shower/bathe with him and make sure he is cleaning properly.”
“I used to date a woman who would just stand in the shower and wash her head hair but not wash anything else, like not even use a cloth or sponge with soap to clean her butt, armpits, belly button, feet, muff, etc.”
“Also, check out how much body hair he has, butt crack might need trimming/shaving, and armpit hair the same.”
“Check out his diet, if he’s eating strong-smelling foods (garlic, cumin, etc), the smell can come out in sweat.”
“Is he fat?”
“The more overweight a person gets, the harder it is for them to deal with hygiene, so a diet might help.”
“He also seems like a person who needs to shower twice a day and certainly before bed.” ~ ProlapseProvider
“NTA, but use more tact.”
“And if he smells right after a shower, he needs to kill bacteria, not cover it up!”
‘My mom uses lemon juice.”
“There are other options.” ~ Lcdmt3
OP came back to chat…
“I just spoke with him about it, and he proceeded to tell me within the same discussion that I needed to stop leaving the kitchen cabinets open when I cook.”
“Mind you, I’m sick with the flu and still cooked dinner.”
“I’m scared some people in this sub are correct at this point.”
“Just sucks I moved so far to be with him.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
This situation will not improve by ignoring it.
Soon, friends and family will start bringing it up.
Then things will get really embarrassing.
Best of luck.