The Secret Santa gift exchange tradition in the United States is believed to have Scandinavian roots in Julklapp (Christmas knock), where a gift was left at a door, and the giver would flee before being seen.
The concept was also tied to philanthropist Larry Dean Stewart, who anonymously gave money to strangers. His “Secret Santa” later became part of workplace and school gift exchanges.
Participants draw names, then anonymously give a gift or gifts to their recipient.
Usually, there are cost limits and sometimes themes, like gag gifts only. At the end, sometimes people try to guess their Santa’s identity before it’s revealed.
Each region of the country and group has its own rules and traditions.
An office worker organizing a Secret Santa exchange turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit to ask a “Would I Be The A**Hole” (WIBTAH) question for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Puzzled_Good_1378 asked:
“WIBTAH if I tell my coworker he can’t participate in Secret Santa due to his conditions?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m hosting a Secret Santa at work. It’s an employee-run event (no managers involved), and I have been the one to host it for the past few years. I made up some questionnaire slips, sent out an email, and started handing out slips to those who want to participate.”
“One of my coworkers (we’ll call him Trey), who I actually really get along with, can be.. difficult.. at times. And has chosen my hosted event as one of those times for some reason.”
“Anyways, here’s how it went down: I handed him a slip since he participated last year, and I assumed he would want to play again. He took the slip from me and then asked me ‘can I just buy someone a gift and not get one?’.”
“I told him no, it doesn’t work like that. Someone is going to draw his name, and they’re gonna want to get him a gift. He told me to just put in someone’s name who doesn’t want to play.”
“I said, ‘they don’t want to play, though, so I’m not gonna do that. You either play, or you don’t. There’s no in-between.’ This just makes sense in my head.”
“But he kept arguing with m,e saying he really doesn’t want any gifts and he doesn’t need any more clutter in his house, but he still wants to buy a gift for someone.”
“Another coworker overheard our conversation and kind of called me out for it, saying, ‘damn, just let Trey give a gift to someone and put someone’s name in at random. Someone gets an unexpected gift, and Trey doesn’t have to receive one.”
“I really hate the idea of this, but I told Trey I would think about it.”
“But that just makes no sense to me. I’m not gonna put a random person’s name into the hat, and I’m not gonna start asking around “who wants to get a gift, but doesn’t want to buy one?”
“I feel bad because I want Trey to be able to play and participate with us, but I don’t like getting pushed into changing rules and making exceptions for people.”
“In my head, the way I set it up is the way the game is played. You either play, or you don’t.”
“Am I wrong, though? Should I just let him ‘donate his gift to someone else?”
The OP later added:
“I’d like to say a few things about some points people keep making.”
“1. Just let him play and don’t put his name in, and then one person won’t have to buy a gift.”
“My response: It takes the fun out of the game for most people. Like we saw with Trey, pretty much everyone *wants* to buy a gift for someone. That’s why they play. Getting gifts is always fun too ofc. But we all love to buy gifts for people, and I’m not going to take that away from anyone. That’s why I asked Trey to find someone on his own who is willing to do that.”
“2. I pressured him into participating when he didn’t want to.”
“My response: Okay, I know I didn’t say it outright, but just so everyone is aware… it is a *voluntary* participation. No one has to play. Trey **wants** to participate. Just without receiving a gift in return.”
“3. Have a raffle for whatever gift he gets.”
“My response: To be frank, I really just don’t want to set this up. I was pressured into doing the Secret Santa by my coworkers again because I’ve done it in the past, and no one else will really organize it. But I’m extremely busy at work right now and had so many issues last year with managers getting involved, and I really didn’t want to have to do it again.”
“So if I’m doing it, I want it to be as uncomplicated as possible.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed the OP was not wrong to want to keep things simple, but should find a way to accommodate Trey.
“You need to explain to Trey that he’s going to make some random person feel bad by receiving a gift when they did not purchase one for someone, so no, that’s not a viable option.” ~ Briscogun
“Trey could just figure it out on his own for any gift he receives (drop it off at a charity, for instance).”
“Or not join this instead of putting OP on the hook for donating his gift or having to stress about how to make the rules special for him. Sounds like he just likes making up his own rules for things just to get attention.” ~ indi50
“Why don’t you recommend that Trey ask for a donation to a charity for his gift? He could write down that he doesn’t need anything and ask for a modest contribution made to one of a list of charities.” ~ teresajs
“Maybe his gift could be for the break room (food, candy, sweets)?” ~ Suckerforcats
“Should have just had his gift be a toy that goes to Angel Tree or Clark’s Christmas Kids or similar nonprofit.” ~ wolfofone
“I think it’s very weird that you’re gatekeeping this. I can understand where Trey is coming from; he wants to give a gift but doesn’t want to get one.”
“I love giving gifts, I really don’t like getting them, especially in open settings like the workplace. Yeah, we’re weird. But we aren’t wrong for how we feel.”
“It’s Secret Santa. No one has to know who got them what unless you make everyone sit in a circle and hand out gifts like your coworkers are children…” ~ Flicksterea
“Drives me bonkers when people get upset about voluntary stuff other people go out of their way to organize. If you don’t like it, just don’t participate; it’s not really about control. Let her organize.” ~ _____v_
“Maybe I’m an idiot. But ain’t the whole point of Christmas about the spirit of giving and such?”
“Yeah, I get the rules of the game, I do. Lots of people have suggestions, and they all seem great. Have his gift be a donation to charity, have said person bring food for the office (not something big and fancy like a cheese board spread or anything!) just something for everyone to share and snack on.”
For game purposes it’s an extra step, one that some have offered suggestions to, them bringing baked goods or snacks for the party in lieu of a gift seems like a good idea. NAH.” ~ BatFakeMcGinnis
The OP provided an update:
“Hey guys, the issue has been resolved.”
“Basically, I told him he could choose to find someone to put in his place or write down to donate to charity in his name instead of giving him a gift.”
“He is thinking about putting another of our coworkers’ kids down for fun. I’m going to let him participate so long as he gets it figured out on his own.”
“Before you say I shouldn’t have done Secret Santa at all, I’ll explain myself a little.”
“For one, it started as an alternative to the absolutely terrible job our company does for its Christmas gifts. It ends up being a lottery every year with some people getting huge flat screens and others getting a dog bowl.”
“We started doing Secret Santa as our own way of taking control and making things fair and fun, and also being able to further bond with each other. It’s a small company, and we’re all pretty close. Especially us hourly folks.”
“Two, the company is shutting down permanently on December 31st, and this is a way for us to kind of go out on a high note in regards to our friendships and work relationships. Some of us may never see each other again.”
“It’s been a good bonding experience for us in the past, so I figured we should do it one last time while we can.”
“Well, I’ve rambled on long enough.. thanks for listening, everyone!”
All’s well that ends well.
Trey gets to participate the way he wants, and OP doesn’t have to try to figure out how to make it happen.