Pregnancy can be an exciting time, but for some, it can be stressful, uncomfortable, and full of complications.
Because of this, some people are overly cautious, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor A123Oa wasn’t having a particularly difficult pregnancy, at least until the headaches started.
When she realized her fiancé had something to do with it, the Original Poster (OP) was furious.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for being mad that my fiancé replaced my coffee with decaf?”
The OP was expecting a baby with her long-time fiancé.
“So I (31 Female) am currently 4 months pregnant with my fiancé (32 Male).”
“We’ve been together for 7 years and are planning to get married soon. We’ve been meaning to for years, but have never seen it as urgent until we found out that I’m pregnant recently.”
“We’re both over the moon and really excited, however, I haven’t become overcome by mommy fever or anything.”
The OP had two specific symptoms during her pregnancy.
“Now, I have been lucky enough to have not experienced any morning sickness or nausea or anything like that, or any extreme symptoms in my pregnancy.”
“However last week I started getting absolutely killer headaches. I would describe it as if someone had taken an ice pick to my eyeball.”
“I’m someone who usually drinks 3 or 4 cups of coffee a day, for context.”
“I told my husband about these headaches and started to get really worried because I thought I was going to have the flu or maybe something worse, which could be bad for the baby, but he didn’t say anything.”
“After a week or so, the headaches passed, but I noticed I was a lot more tired than I used to be.”
“I told him this as well, and he still didn’t say anything.”
The OP discovered her symptoms were not pregnancy-related.
“Well, this morning I found a pack of decaf coffee, empty in the bin, and suddenly it dawned on me what’s been happening.”
“I’m the only one of us who drinks coffee and he’s the one who did the shop two weeks in a row now.”
“I confronted him and he admitted that when he’d offered to do the weekly shop recently, he had just been reusing my usual coffee tin and buying the decaf version of the same product.”
“He claimed caffeine is bad for pregnancy and he knew I didn’t have the will to do it on my own.”
“I pointed out, look, I’ve quit now and can spend the rest of the pregnancy without it!”
“He said he didn’t want to make me feel bad about my vice by confronting me and that it would be easier to quit if I wasn’t doing it intentionally, so he did all three of us a massive favor.”
“I tried to quit caffeine before as a detox a few years ago and only made it two days, he pointed out.”
“I lost it and said he was a horrible person.”
The OP had a good reason to be upset about his assumptions.
“He has never confronted me about my caffeine intake or so much as brought it up.”
“I didn’t realize he even paid attention to it, and one of us has always purchased it for months until now, despite me being the sole drinker of it in the household.”
“My doctor hasn’t expressed concern about caffeine, but I would have been happy to slowly reduce my intake if he had mentioned it, which he hadn’t.”
“I’m already avoiding fish and all processed meat, obviously all alcohol, and I overcook all my beef. So it’s not like I’m not unwilling to make lifestyle changes for my pregnancy…”
The OP stormed out.
“Basically, I started packing my belongings and said that the way he acted was evidence that he actually not only completely lacks respect for me but that he caused me immense stress, knew it, and still didn’t own up until I had to confront him.”
“He refused to apologize, so I’m staying at a friend’s until he does.”
“However, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He and his friends think I’m being TA because he was just doing what’s best for his baby’s health.”
“They claim that I am completely overreacting and that my reaction is just pregnancy hormones.”
“I’m really upset and feel like I’m making a massive mistake.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned by the fiancé’s controlling behavior.
“This is soooooo scary. What else would he do in secret that could cause her harm or distress??”
“What will he do to the baby to enforce his ideas? What sneaky underhanded thing to do could be a whole other level of him that is an unknown and terrifying.” – ianmoon85
“OMG (Oh My God). I would kill him. I have a Pepsi habit and kicking it gave me a headache so bad, like the OP, I thought there were multiple dwarfs with pickaxes in my skull.”
“But at least I knew WHY I was in so much d**n pain. I would have been scared s**tless if I’d been pregnant and thinking I had some weird pregnancy blood pressure thing going on or something.”
“NTA.” – EnoughAlready710
“He’s decided he knows better, that you can’t make good decisions, and that he can justify manipulating your body in the name of what’s best for the baby.”
“Given the growing lack of autonomy over women’s bodies, he’s also pretty tone-deaf.” – Rhuthbarb
“…made a choice for her without telling her.”
“…didn’t mention it when she was having (presumably, withdrawal) headaches.”
“…expressed neither empathy nor contrition when confronted with what he did.”
“…basically called her (and by extension women generally) irrational hormone robots.”
“Honestly, the last one might be the most f**ked up.” – ImpactAggressive5123
“He crossed a border, and rather than apologize when caught, he doubled down. This makes it a much bigger deal because it’s an indication that he’s going to continue to override her decisions if he thinks he knows better.”
“That’s not only a violation, but it’s dangerous. What else will he do without telling her?”
“An apology is so cheap, it costs nothing, but he can’t even give that.”
“He’s demanding submission. He’s saying, ‘Yes, I overrode your decision, and I’ll do it again.’ He could have given an insincere apology, but he couldn’t even do that.”
“NTA.” – EffectiveSalamander
“Plus, she told him about the headaches. Presumably, he acted concerned or puzzled. He convincingly lied and presented false emotions to her so much that she didn’t suspect him until she found the trash. Manipulative as all h**l.” – claudcuckooland
Others pointed out that cutting out caffeine while pregnant wasn’t totally necessary.
“Not to mention, is he aware that withdrawal is worse on the body than the caffeine itself?”
“He made the risk of them losing the pregnancy higher than she was, and put OP’s health at some intense risk.” – fallen_star_2319
“The research is really inconclusive actually! There are cases where coffee is great because it’s one of the least harmful ways to raise blood pressure and guess what?”
“Low BP is a pregnancy symptom. It’s also a well-studied, gentle anti-migraine drug, though it’s a crapshoot whether it’ll work in any given case. Coffee in particular also helps combat constipation, which can get baaaaad.”
“Limiting caffeine is recommended out of an abundance of caution, but it’s nowhere near as simple as ‘coffee bad,’ and I think 90% of the narrative comes from puritanical types who are actively looking for things to restrict during pregnancy so they can feel virtuous and like they’re ‘helping.'” – Doctor-Liz
“Quite honestly, I’m a heavy coffee drinker, and I naturally tapered off during pregnancy cause once that little babe gets nestled into your insides you don’t want to drink that much coffee anyway.”
“The natural tapering means I didn’t get the death migraine from going cold turkey.”
“OP’s husband is a f**king monster. I think she’s perfectly within her rights to ice him out. He deliberately caused her all that pain and suffering because he just had to control her caffeine intake.”
“Actually, since this isn’t even her husband so might as well dump his a**, OP.” – myaltaccount_3464
“It’s actually incredibly common for women to get migraines during pregnancy because of hormones.”
“The only time I’ve ever experienced migraines was during my pregnancies. I didn’t quit caffeine. I had one or two small cups a day, which is the safe amount. So I wasn’t having caffeine withdrawal headaches.”
“It’s funny though because coffee was the only thing that took them away. Everyone else on my birth board on BabyCenter was popping Tylenol, Zofran, and Unisom to sleep like candy? But coffee isn’t?” – Ok_Preparation_2307
“My mother had 6 healthy children back in the day when no one said boo about caffeine consumption during pregnancy and Mom did enjoy her coffee.”
“Now, she was never a big alcohol drinker, maybe the odd glass of wine, and she never smoked though my father did during at least the first 4 pregnancies.”
“I’m not saying cutting back wouldn’t be a good idea, but cold turkey seems cruel and especially mean if not told it’s happening.”
“Baby Daddy is a controlling sadistic monster. Who watches their mate suffer through excruciating headaches and takes pleasure from it? A sadist.”
“Can you see the kind of father he’ll be? Daddy: ‘No, we should let the baby cry so they don’t get spoiled with attention.’ NTA.” – Elementary57
The subReddit was appalled by what happened to the OP, not only because coffee isn’t necessarily the worst thing to keep around during pregnancy, but because her future husband made this decision without her consent.