Change is a scary thing.
The fear of change has caused very rational people to do very dumb things to try and prevent it.
Of course, there is no preventing change – the best we can hope for is to ride the waves and better for the alterations.
So, what happens when you find yourself in a very comfortable situation that, suddenly, is under threat of change that you can do very little to stop?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) MidnightOcean21 when they came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
In a now deleted post, they asked:
“AITA for not wanting my brothers girlfriend to move in with us?”
OP began with the background.
“My brother and I live together.”
“We’re in our 20s and don’t make enough to live on our own. We’ve been living together for almost 2 years and I like the dynamic we have. I like the apartment and the area we live in.”
“My brother has been dating this girl for around 3-4 months but they have worked together for over a year.”
“His girlfriend lives with her family still but they plan on moving out of the state.”
Everything was fine, until…
“One night while his girlfriend was over he randomly asked me what I thought about her moving in with us.”
“This was the first time he brought it up and he asked right in front of his girlfriend. I didn’t know what to say so I just dodged the question.”
“He brought it up again the next day and I told him I wasn’t comfortable with her living with us.”
“I have nothing against her but I like my apartment the way it is.”
“There’s nowhere to put her stuff and I don’t want to be the constant third wheel.”
“I think the apartment will feel crowded and overwhelming. I told him I didn’t want to move and I didn’t want her to live with us.”
“Nothing came up for a couple of days, but today I went in his room to ask if he’d go to the store with me.”
“When I came in I saw him looking at other places to live.”
“So he brought it up again and showed me this house for rent.”
“I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing the house cause I had no plans to move. I repeated myself and told him I didn’t want to live with her and I like my space how it is.”
“I started to get upset and left to go for a walk.”
“When I came back he got ready to go to the store.”
“As we are walking out the door he brings it up again.”
“This time I just tell him to stop talking about it because I don’t want to talk about it anymore. He then tells me that I need to come up with a solution before we’re out of time.”
“I want so badly to tell them it’s not my problem.”
“She’s in her 20s and can get a roommate.”
OP was left to wonder,
“She can’t rely on us to give her a home. I feel like I’m being forced into this situation no matter what I tell him. Am I being an a**hole?”
Having explained the issue, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some urged OP to start shopping around.
“You need to start planning to find another roommate or find smaller more affordable accommodations because you’re brother has made it clear, his intention is to live with his girlfriend.”
“You can say you don’t want to live with your brother’s girlfriend but you can’t ignore the fact that he actively is planning to, so you need to consider your options.” ~ penguin_squeak
Commenters pushed for better communication.
“NTA, I think that’s a completely reasonable boundary to set, however more communication definitely needs to be had about how this will go.”
“Right now both of you want quite opposite things and it seems to be something he’s already decided on.”
“He can’t force you to live with her or move, and you can’t force him to stay past your lease date.”
“You two really need to have an in-depth conversation where both parties are listening because I’m worried about housing insecurity for the three of you.”
“Mainly since he can of course ditch and be with the GF.”
“Then if they break up his situation also changes, or if the 3 were living together it’ll also get awkward if a breakup happens when you’re splitting 3 ways if you did move to a bigger place.”
“Later on, it’ll also be important to have discussions with the GF on whatever is chosen. Seriously though, it’s more stable for everyone involved if she is able to find another place.”
“Do you have backup housing options in place if he does leave? Since many conversations still need to be had and the situation is iffy, please have backup options in place.” ~ YarnTho
Though, not everyone was so compassionate toward OP.
“Refusing to communicate is not a reasonable boundary.”
“He’s telling her that he will be moving in with gf and trying to make it work so OP doesn’t end up homeless but op refuses.”
“She won’t get a roommate since she has no friends (according to the comments).”
“He has every right to live with a gf, op is just hoping she can manipulate him into not making his own choices.” ~ Craftyhobby
“He’s trying to communicate.”
“You appear to be hoping that not communicating means nothing will change. That’s not how it works.”
“You say she can get a roommate.”
“She’s getting a roommate. Your brother. Now if you don’t want her to move into your space then fine, but you still need to talk with your brother about it.”
“Doing what you’re doing now just means the first you’ll know of him moving out is when he’s gone, and depending on what the rental agreement is like either he’ll have found a new housemate for you without your input or you’ll have to do it yourself on no notice and handle rent until then.” ~ craftyboxing
Redditors can even be pragmatic in the right circumstances.
“Advertise and find another flatmate. Simple solution really.” ~ Shoddy-Put1109
“Moving in with a partner after a measly 3-4 months of dating is a horrible idea on its own.”
“Not only is there not room for her, the relationship would likely end if they tried to take this huge step this early, and you would be caught in the middle of it.”
“Bad idea all around.”
“However, I will let you know he probably won’t see this side as they say ‘love is blind’. Be prepared for him to be angry at you, and for him to maybe even get his own place for him, and her.” ~ AdSweaty7131
“Soft YTA, because you’re not understanding what’s happening here.”
“Your brother is moving in with his gf. The only question is whether you live with them or not.”
“You need to grasp this fact before you end up with nowhere to live.” ~ KrtekJim
Some saw both sides.
“I say that because he’s not an a**hole for wanting to live with his girlfriend and you’re not an a**hole for wanting things to remain the same.”
“The problem is that it can’t remain the same, so the only thing you can shape is what your future looks like.”
“You say that she can get a roommate.”
“Your brother could easily reason that so can you and move to another apartment without you.”
“If you’d rather stick with him because he’s your brother and a known quantity as a roommate, you have to accept that you must also see them as a couple who wants to live together.”
“The status quo cannot remain as long as one of you wants something the other doesn’t and is willing to do something to change it.”
“I know that change can be hard and sometimes we don’t have full control over when change happens, but you do have some control over which change happens:”
“Either you stay where you are and she moves in, you find a place where all three of you can have more space and can factor in her extra contribution to the household, or you can find a roommate and live with them.”
“No matter what you decide, I wish you luck.” ~ inturnaround
“I get that you don’t want her to move in with you but her family are moving away, she wants to stay, and they clearly want to live together.”
“I think your options will be let her move in with you and your brother or he will move out and they’ll live alone without you.”
“It doesn’t sound like things staying the same is an option for them so I’d give it some consideration if you don’t want your brother to move out.” ~ nykjhs
Commenters understood but still passed judgment.
“YTA, but softly.”
“Regardless of how long they’ve known each other, your brother is looking to be serious with his girlfriend, and part of that is him wanting to live with her.”
“Your feelings are understandable, but your brother will date/marry/ move away from you eventually. Whether it happens now or later, your current dynamic is not permanent and will change.”
“The only choice you have is whether to relocate and live with them or find a roommate to keep the place you have. You’re not going to change your brother’s mind.”
“What you WILL do, however, is put your relationship with him under strain.”
“He will resent you for jeopardizing his relationships, consciously or not, and your dynamic will not be preserved.” ~ sanguinepsychologist
Changes come whether we want them to or not.
So the only choice left to us is to fight the flow or ride it.
Remember to take counsel when you need it, and to communicate with the people you love and trust. Let them know where you stand and make sure you understand their position as well.