"Because they're family" is a guilt-trip and justification for tolerating toxic behavior that people are increasingly pushing back against.
A sibling who refuses to support their brother-in-law like their mother did turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Icy-Union-9791 asked:
"AITA for refusing to apologize to my brother-in-law (BIL) for calling him useless in front of his daughter?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I did not know she was nearby."
"My sister refuses to leave her useless husband, but he literally serves no purpose. First, they live in our mom's basement and don't pay for anything. I have my own place."
"My sister, mother, and I rotated days babysitting when her daughter was younger. Now that she is in school, I handle pick ups after school to bring her to aftercare, and our mom handles picking her up from aftercare since my sister gets out of work late."
"Her husband is home nearly all day due to a 'disability.' He claims his back is messed up, but he keeps losing jobs because of failing drug tests. He says he smokes marijuana for his back pain that he has no medical diagnosis or proof for."
"Our mom is looking to retire next year, and wants to sell the house and move back home to Puerto Rico. I told her go for it, but she is worried about my sister and her family."
"I said let's talk things over together. First conversation was okay, spoke with my sister with mom present. Mom told her what her plans were, and while concerned, my sister was happy for mom."
"I told my sister to not worry, I will help them out, but she has to get rid of her husband. I told her I refuse to support him. My sister said she would have to think about it. This conversation happened back in February."
"Come October, mom told us she is putting the house up for sale and my sister's husband did not take it well. I told him what he wants does not matter, that he is useless and I would gladly pay my sister to leave him."
"I did not know my niece was nearby, and I kept going at it with my sister's husband. He kept saying a daughter needs their father. I told him no they don't, and he is not a father. He does nothing for his daughter."
"He tried to pull some cultural card that he comes from a family where the men are not responsible for stuff like that. They are from Haiti. I told him to shut up and said our dad tried to pull the same bullsh*t and our mom left his a** and she made it with family support. Told him my sister would also have family support."
"Now my sister thinks I went a little overboard because she loves him and he is not bad to his daughter and her daughter loves him to pieces. I told my sister I refuse to help if that man is still in the picture, and without my help she will end up in a shelter or living out of a van."
"She said maybe she will talk to mom to get her to hold off on the sale of the house. I told my sister that is not right, but she said he is not a bad guy. If he does not have to do anything, they are actually pretty happy."
"I am like, WTF‽, he is happy when everything is taken care of for him? NO SH*T! She is begging me to just be like mom and keep the status quo. She does not want to be alone like mom was with us."
"My sister was the youngest and our dad's favorite. She kind of always held it against mom for kicking him out. Told my sister we are done if she tries to get mom to hold off on the sale of the house."
"Sorry had a little to drink because this is weighing on me. I love my sister and niece, but I don't want to support that freaking loser."
OP later added:
"Just in case there is some confusion, I had no idea my niece was nearby. My sister had told me she was not home. I only found out she overheard after the conversation was over."
"No issue with apologizing to my niece as I already did, but my sister wants me to apologize to my usless BIL."
"She says he is loving when they have nothing to worry about as long as he has no responsibilities. He is an a**hole when he is asked to do anything."
"He does not work, but isn't on disability, and refuses to pick up his child or to watch her. She has to go to after school aftercare because we're all working while he sits at my mother's home doing nothing. He doesn't cook, clean, do laundry, pick up after himself, nothing. He's useless."
"Housing programs here are limited and largely reserved for extreme case, actual eviction proceedings, domestic abuse. She has applied, but once she mentions she has a family of three and a husband that does not work and isn't disabled, she never gets a call back. No, he is not on disability, he tried but was denied three times because he has no proof of his medical claims."
"If she does not leave him, I guess she will live in a shelter away from the man she loves more than her daughter's health and safety because I don't think they allow men in women and children's shelters."
"My sister was our father's favorite and she does resent our mom for leaving him. It was something she never hid from us. She always felt we were better off with him present and mom should have done more to keep him around. Mom for the longest shielded us from the truth of his drinking and gambling issues."
"He was a fun person, I guess, always found a reason to celebrate, always came home with gifts and surprises. Neither of us saw that mom was holding everything down on her own until she broke down."
"I don't think my sister understands our happy times together were a lie, it was all fake. It was an illusion mom kept going until she no longer could."
"My sister wants me to keep the peace because, as she said, if her husband does not have to do anything he is fine and they are happy. If we handle everything for him, he is free to act like a loving father and I guess good husband in the sense he does not beat or yell at them and he's there."
"My mom kept the peace for all these years, and my sister wants me to do the same. I have said sorry to my niece, my sister wants me to apologize to my BIL to mend the bridge because things are not so smooth now that they have to worry about housing and supporting themselves on their own."
"He is literally only okay when he has no concerns or responsibilities, like a giant toddler. If she cuts him off I would gladly make sure they have a good place to live."
"His free ride has to end because I won't devote my life to enabling him."
"But the choice and the outcome are completely up to my sister. I'm not telling her what to do."
"I'm telling her what I won't do."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to apologize to her sister's husband (NTA).
"Him: 'I am Haitian; I am from a culture where men aren't responsible for childcare or maintaining a household'."
"Me: *closes this tab and opens up my recent texts from my dad*"
"My straight-from-the-island Haitian father: 'Ohhhh Mon coeur!!! I found these photos of us in the old house when I taught you how to make griot. And this photo of us dancing in my job's breakroom when you spend time there after school before we went home to make dinner with mom and your brother. All is well, Mon coeur'."
"Yah, NTA. If my Gen X island born Haitian father is anything to go by, your sister's husband is just useless and lazy." ~ Mindfultherapist186
"Your Haitian dad also held down a job, it sounds like." ~ Weekly-Argument-
"Came here to say this. Him being Haitian has nothing to do with him being a sorry excuse of a husband/man. This is not the norm for Haitian men or the culture." ~ CaloK1ng
"NTA. He does sound useless and I appreciate someone saying the real thing instead of 'keeping the peace'. Your sister needs to decenter men and learn to not be desperate." ~ inductiononN
"I had a therapist tell me no father is better than a bad father. And a man who does nothing for his child, lays around and smokes weed is a bad father."
"I threw mine out, got no child support, and didn’t even have family help. But we survived, I had a good job in Hollywood, and my daugher has a Ph.D. in psychology."
"Her father died of a drug overdose when he was 44. We were so better off without him." ~ Malibucat48
"As the daughter of a sh*tty father, I concur. I begged my mum to divorce my dad when I was 12. The times he went away for work were the most peaceful, happy times of my childhood."
"Physically present but useless/disengaged is a head f#ck. NTA." ~ Count_ClapBacula
OP provided an update:
"Spoke with my our mom, and my sister did ask her to postpone the sale of the home. Mom said no, but appears my sister's husband suggested they push to force mom to file for eviction since they have lived there for many years."
"I told our mom I would cover the cost to evict them if it comes to that. I reached out to my sister and I’m going to try to have a one on one conversation with her this week."
OP has set a clear boundary on what they would do. Now the decision is their sister's to make.
