WARNING: miscarriage, grief
Everybody processes grief differently and in their own time, not to mention being triggered by different things.
And a person’s triggers should not be invalidated, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Proud_Mama_of_5 felt the need to decline to host a baby shower for a friend after she’d had a miscarriage of her own.
But when her friends openly criticized her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was making too much out of the situation.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to host a baby shower or gender reveal?”
The OP’s friend asked her to host a baby shower for her.
“I have recently suffered a miscarriage, which I am still upset about.”
“My friend is in the early stages of pregnancy (I think she said 7 weeks?) with what will be her oldest.”
“She told me about it and I of course congratulated her, and after a few days of her non-stop talking about her pregnancy, now she has asked me to host a baby shower and gender reveal in a few months.”
The OP declined for multiple reasons.
“I refused as I doubt I’ll be able to deal with it even when it comes time to it as it takes a lot of planning and time, which I do not have as I have to look after my own kids and move into our new house.”
“She asked me again at a mini party we were having and I refused again, explaining why.”
“She told me I shouldn’t be upset about it still and that I’ll forget about it soon and to please do it.”
Her friends criticized her decision.
“A lot of our friends looked at me, thinking I was being rude for refusing.”
“One of them took me aside and told me I should’ve accepted in front of everyone and refused in private, but I explained I already had but she asked me again.”
“Someone else offered who I had thrown a baby shower for about 2ish years ago.”
“But I feel horrible and am wondering if I am being an a** for refusing.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said asking someone to host a party, no matter the circumstances, was rude.
“NTA. Asking someone to host your baby shower is rude AF (as f**k) anyway, and asking AGAIN after you said no is way offside.” – Mabelisms
“She had already asked, and you had refused. She was clearly hoping that if she confronted you in front of others, you’d back down and agree.”
“And if you were to accept in public, how would you back out in private? Everyone would be expecting you to throw the party, and you’d be trapped.”
“She was rude, unkind, unsympathetic, and manipulative. Not falling into her trap means you’re sensible, not that you’re AH.” – Jazzlike_Humor3340
“She’s NOT asking, but DEMANDING you throw her a shower. That makes her an a**hole.” – TwoCentsPsychologist
“You are allowed to say no and decline to host a shower, for any reason whatsoever.”
“This is her first child so she’s understandably very excited, but you do not have the time and energy to do it, let alone what you just went through.”
“Since somebody else stepped up to do it, you are off the hook and have absolutely zero reasons to feel guilty about this!”
“(I am very sorry for your miscarriage and I’m sending you mental hugs!)” – GreenEyedKittyCat
“NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss. No matter the reason, you shouldn’t be expected to host someone else’s party.”
“And in this circumstance, your friend is a massive AH for telling you that you’ll forget about a miscarriage. You were perfectly nice in a situation where you didn’t have to be.”
“Would she react as nicely as you did if the roles were reversed? If your friend has disrespected you like this before, she’s not a friend.”
“Not to mention your friend has some balls to tell you to forget about a miscarriage while she’s still in the middle of her first trimester.” – Jellyfish1297
Others agreed and said, on top of that, the friend was being insensitive.
“I keep having miscarriages and my bestie just got pregnant after going through the same. Bless their heart.”
“Every time we talk, they check-in, ‘Are you okay with baby news?’ Some days, yes. On low days, no. They are completely understanding and I love them for it.”
“Other people just shove baby news around like there’s no way someone could be offended.” – PolyPolyam
“It would be rude if it were just asking a friend not dealing with anything to host.”
“The fact that OP is also dealing with a recent miscarriage, which the friend basically told her to just get over, takes this from ‘rude’ to ‘way beyond callous, reconsider your friendship’ territory.” – FeuerrotteZora
“What kind of cruel self-serving s**t is this? Are you sure she’s even your friend?”
“Miscarriages are very traumatic events and it is absolutely ok for you to still be upset about it. She just wants you to move on so she can get you to do things for her.”
“In my personal opinion, f**k her and those that agree with her. NTA, obviously.” – goblin_kidd
“NTA. No means no. No matter what your reason is she should have accepted no the first time you declined. She’s TA for acting like a miscarriage is something you can just get over.” – Bostonya
“NTA – she isn’t a true friend if she’s behaving this way towards you and putting you on the spot to make drama.”
“Is there a specific reason it must be you in her mind? She had other friends there with you the second time, so why not any of them after you said no the first time?”
“There has to be a reason why she’s being insistent unless it’s part of her power play to be a jerk to you.” – Trekqueen
Though the OP felt bad that she wouldn’t be stepping up for her friend, the subReddit insisted there was no need to feel that way.
She was still grieving, and even under the best of circumstances, it’s still perfectly acceptable to just say no to hosting a party for someone.