A guy who was adopted from disturbing circumstances and deliberately kept his distance from his biological parents inadvertently made himself available.
He lost his patience when the resulting debacle pushed him over the edge.
So he visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgmemt from strangers online.
There,
Redditor Severe_Knowledge_937 asked:
"AITA for telling my birth siblings to f'k off and leave me alone and I don't care about their stupid f'king parents?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (20s, m[ale]) was adopted as an infant. Actually I was found in an alley and when my birth family didn't come forward to claim me and nobody knew who I was I was adopted. But I was an infant at the time thankfully so no long foster care experience."
"I was placed without anything to keep me warm, in a low-visibility area and there was no signs I was lovingly placed. It basically looked like I was thrown away like trash. I've seen some old newspaper clippings about it."
"The story was told to me gradually throughout my childhood. My parents were always open about my adoption though. I never felt othered."
"My family (parents, siblings and extended family) were my family even if I was the only non-bio kid in the family. I was loved, I was treasured even and I had a great life."
The OP continued:
"But the circumstances surrounding my adoption meant some stuff was unclear. Medical history being the biggest thing. I never really cared. But I got engaged a few months ago and my fiancée and I want children and seeing the health stuff in my family has made me realize I have no idea if I could pass anything onto my future kids."
"After thinking it over I did 23&Me genetic testing but I did it wrong and I also mistakenly added myself to be found. I realized quickly after my results came in but by then it was too late and two birth siblings found me."
The OP shared his findings.
"They're older. My birth parents had five kids before me. They all know about me and want to know me. The birth siblings started off somewhat reasonable but when I made it clear I didn't to hear my birth parents story they flipped a switch."
"They said how much their parents regretted giving me away and how they would've come forward but they didn't want to get into trouble for abandoning me like they did. They believed I owed their parents and them the chance to get it all out there and to build a relationship."
"I stood my ground and I blocked them but they followed me to social media and they insisted we're family and I should be kinder to them and their parents. I was told it's not like I'm just a half sibling and I'm 'the baby' who was missing."
"They sent messages that were trying to make me feel bad for their parents, specifically their mom. And it pissed me off. After almost 3 months of dealing with them finding ways around my blocking them I told them to f'k off and leave me alone and how I don't care about their stupid f'king parents."
"I had to delete my account because it was just random account after random account and I couldn't block them fast enough in their outrage over what I said. They told me their parents didn't deserve that."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Send them all the newspaper clippings of a baby left to die in an alley. Did you at least get medical info out of them?" – Cute-Profession9983
The OP responded.
"I didn't get it from them, but the genetic testing I did gave me a decent picture of everything. I'm glad I didn't ask the birth siblings for direct medical history because that would likely be used to try and bargain for what they want."
Reddit continued to weigh in.
"Hard NTA from me, OP. You dodged a massive bullet and a volley of red flags with how unhinged those people sound." – KittyLune
"I second sending them pix of the news articles about you being abandoned as a baby and ask them if you deserved to be left like that. That is absolutely awful. There are many safe places and ways to give up a baby..." – AcaliahWolfsong
"As a child of two parents that were both adopted themselves, the fact that you are still alive should be enough for them to move on if you don't want a relationship. My dad didn't really care to learn about his biological parents, and my mom did. I've seen both outcomes, and your personal preference is all that matters. NTA." – FrenchTicklerOrange
"NTA Your birth 'parents' essentially tried to kill you, and now they are all angry at you for not releasing them from their guilt. Awful, awful people. As horrible as it was, you're also fortunate to have nothing to do with that wretched family."
"Congratulations on the engagement and I wish you and your real family all the best." – elle_hell
"How does that conversation even go?"
" 'Sorry Mom and Dad tried to kill you, but it would be really nice if you could help them feel less guilty about that'?"
"Eff all the way off." – Top_Wealth_9343
"It was more like we know our parents abandoned you, but there were good reasons!! You'd feel bad for them if you knew those reasons. Please hear them out. Please be their son. Please make them happy. Let's be a family. Yay." – OP
"They didn't just abandon you; they left you to die out in the cold. It would be a different story had they actually surrendered you to a hospital or a fire station or a police department somewhere safe, not in an alley where it's cold and where you could have been run over, hurt by animals, or ended up dead."
"It doesn't matter what their reasons were; you just don't go around throwing your children out like garbage. They had the opportunity to surrender you somewhere safe, but they chose not to."
"You owe them nothing. You don't need to hear their reasons out to understand they weren't looking out for you."
"The next time they reach out to you telling you that their parents don't deserve this treatment I do agree with another that commented that you should send them a newspaper clip and highlight exactly how you were found and then tell them that you didn't deserve to be thrown out like garbage and be left out to die."
"Inform them that if they continue to harass you, you will call the cops on them and get a restraining order so if they truly cared about yo,u then they need to back off." – CODE_NAME_DUCKY
"Instead of deleting your account, why not post all the articles about how your biological parents abandoned you? And where did they do so? And at the end of every post, say something like 'I'm just lucky to be alive after being abandoned in a low-visibility area by irresponsible dirtbags. Now siblings that weren't thrown away who don't know what it's like to be abandoned are asking for reconciliation.' "
"You might have to post this for a month before they get tired of the negative publicity about their dirt bag parents, and get the message." – Stormy8888
"They didn't just abandon you; they tried to kill you. Many adoptees who aren't interested in contact or can't find their birth parents can say, 'Whatever else, she/they cared enough to give me a life they couldn't provide.' You don't have that option."
"You're not responsible for easing the guilt of people who did their best to make sure their own infant died of exposure or dehydration or whatever other hazard happened along. They should be grateful that you're not blowing their lives up any way you can!" – Granuaile11
"I honestly would write to them a letter, stating that you don't care to have a relationship with ANY of them. Regardless of the tragic circumstances leading to your abandonment, it does not and will never justify leaving a baby the way they did. How they choose to leave you reflects solely on them and the type of people they are, how you do not want people such as them in your life."
"I would also write that you are happy now. You have a great, loving family who makes you feel wanted and appreciated. That they were able to provide for you the way your birth family could never do, and that if they really want to do something for you, then they should leave you alone. To not try to ruin the life you have already established without them." – _justherefordrama
"NTA You didn't deserve to be abandoned like garbage as an infant. There have been Safe Haven laws for decades. You owe no one anything." – tidymaze
Overall, Redditors fully supported the OP for not having anything to do with his biological family.
They also thought the incessant pestering by his birth siblings was grounds for having a restraining order if they continue to guilt him into meeting the biological parents who committed a heinous act by subjecting him as an infant vulnerable to the elements and other dangers.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp