Relationships are meant to be meaningful and fulfilling for all involved, and one important way to celebrate them is by observing anniversaries.
While anniversaries can be very simple, they can also be symbolic of important life events the couple has experienced together, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor tripjackedaita had planned a special trip for their fifth wedding anniversary, which was at the same location where they took a small honeymoon together shortly after they got together.
While this was meant to recall those special feelings from the early days of their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) got the feeling that their wife wasn't that excited about it.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my wife that she hijacked our anniversary trip?"
The OP made special plans for their upcoming anniversary.
"My wife and I have our 5-year wedding anniversary coming up this fall."
"To celebrate, I booked us a trip to the same place we took our minimoon after we got married. I figured it would be a nice way for us to celebrate 5-years of marriage."
"She loved the idea when I told her and we are both looking forward to it."
Their wife made a suggestion for how to involve her mother.
"My MIL's birthday happens to be the week before our anniversary. My wife was telling MIL about our anniversary trip recently, and MIL started talking about how she always wanted to go there but never had a chance.
"I guess my wife suggested that the two of them go there together for MIL's birthday. My wife told me her plan later."
"Apparently, her idea is to leave with MIL the week of her birthday, before our scheduled anniversary trip."
"Then, they would wait for me to arrive, MIL's trip would overlap ours by 1-2 days, MIL would leave, and my wife and I would stay the remainder of our planned trip."
"So, essentially my wife would be spending 7-10 days there, half with MIL and half with me."
The OP didn't love these plans.
"When she told me her plan, I was less than enthused."
"I told her it felt like she was hijacking our anniversary trip and turning it into a MIL birthday gift, when I was hoping that this would be something special just for the 2 of us."
"I told her I understand MIL wants to visit this place, but why does it have to be literally the same trip as our anniversary? Why couldn't they just go there literally any other time?"
Their wife was surprised by the OP's reaction.
"She said that it just makes sense for them to overlap so that we can save a little money. But since my wife offered this as a gift to MIL, we're paying for her trip so we aren't saving anything."
"She also just assumed that I would be ok with taking care of our 2 kids while she and MIL were gone, and since MIL was supposed to watch our kids during our trip, now we need to find other childcare for them too."
"I told her that this all just seems a little too complicated, and it would all be easier if we kept our anniversary trip and a mommy-daughter trip separate."
"My wife did not take my criticism of her plan well."
"She claimed I was being selfish for wanting to make this trip just about 'us.' Which, yeah it's an anniversary trip, not a family vacation."
"She said she wants to do something nice for MIL for her birthday and since she's always wanted to visit this location, it just makes sense to do it all at once."
"She claims I am being a jerk for not simply agreeing with her and that I'm being selfish since MIL would really like this."
The couple could not reach an agreement.
"She hasn't booked anything yet for the part of the trip with her mom, but she wants to ASAP."
"I've still been trying to talk her out of it, but she just keeps digging her heels in that this is what she is going to do."
"I really, really do not want MIL on any part of an anniversary trip, even for 1-2 days."
"I know we wouldn't be sharing a room or anything, but that's not the point. I thought this was going to be a special trip for my wife and me, and she turned it into something completely different."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the wife should have listened more closely to what the OP wanted and needed.
"OP did a good job communicating what he wants/needs this vacation to be. His wife just isn't willing to listen." - mebetiffbeme
"OP communicated what he wanted multiple times, wife just isn't listening."
"It makes me sad for OP too because I'm sure the funds for wife's trip are going to come out of their family pocket and vacations are costly." - Sensitive-Jello9171
"Sounds like childcare is a major issue, too."
"Apparently, MIL was going to watch the kids while they went. If MIL is gone, who takes care of their children?"
"Husband may have to cancel the anniversary portion because they don't have anyone to take care of the kids for the overlapping days." - redpurplegreen22
"1. She decided to make this change without consulting OP. Her intentions being noble do not change the fact that she's TA for not consulting him first (and getting MIL all excited about a plan she didn't know he would be on board with)."
"2. He was planning a 'just the two of us' trip. Think romance. Think coupley stuff. MIL being there throws cold water on a romantic mood. This is a pretty significant change in the theme of the trip."
"And it also causes impacts the childcare (both during the trip and before since MIL was the original child care plan)."
"NTA for the OP." - gtr187
"Wife is absolutely an AH for putting the plans in motion with her mom before talking to her husband about it, because now, no matter what, hubby looks like the AH for canceling either part of the trip." - shopgirl2
Others thought the wife wasn't that interested in having an anniversary trip at all.
"Sounds like you should cancel the anniversary part of the trip as obviously your wife is not as excited or interested in the anniversary part of the trip. Seriously."
"You came up with this idea as a really nice way to revisit your honeymoon. She sees it as a vacation destination, nothing more special than that."
"NTA." - fascinationstreet
"This trip doesn't live in her heart the way it does for OP. She's using the destination to her convenience, and honestly, I can't help but wonder if part of her agenda is to get a longer trip for herself out of it."
"NTA." - geishabird
"it sounds like the anniversary trip is just part of a routine for the wife. So that adding her mother is just a way to make that routine more efficient." - Charming-Audience883
"I'd be pretty uncomfortable knowing the honeymoon anniversary plan I made turned into paying for my mil birthday trip. It'd a big difference. For DAYS. Not a day visit but hotel rooms, possibly rental or airfare."
"Also, she's spending the first half with MIL. So you know the second half has a lot of possibility for, 'I'm too tired. I already did that with mom. I don't wanna. Do it yourself.' You can't force your parent into your relationship stuff and think it'll make your partner excited?" - Scared_Profit564
"I'd be more comfortable, to be honest, if the wife proposed MIL show up AFTER her husband left, by like a day, so child care was covered, AND her husband got 'first' of the vacation activities with her."
"As is, it sounds like 'but I want' and 'I don't give a f**k what you want' from his partner." - MzTerri
"I would absolutely do this kind of thing, BUT MIL would have to be home in time for Childcare AND there would be limits on what we could do (e.g., no, we can't do that because Husband was really really talking about it)."
"It makes sense to me, except for the diminishing of the anniversary trip. I would never do that. My mom would also pay her own way." - MotherOfAPickle
"I don't think he looks like an AH for canceling the anniversary trip. And I think he should cancel that part of it, because the wife doesn't seem to be all that into it anyway, and it messes with the care for kids, etc."
"It is kinda sad, and the wife doesn't seem to appreciate what he did for her. She's all about the trip with mommy though, and hubby sounds like he's come in second."
"If I were him, no way would I want to go on that trip after wife's been there with MIL the week before. Nope, just takes away all the romance, and the fun out of it. He's NTA, at all." - PickleNotABigDill
The subReddit was appalled on the OP's behalf, after they had created a thoughtful and romantic trip for their wife.
It was clear to the sub that the wife was valuing her mother's birthday above her anniversary, and if that was what she was going to do, she might as well go on this trip solo.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp