Baby announcements can be a very nuanced situation.
People plan detailed parties to let everyone know a new human is on the way.
It's a huge moment in every parent's life.
That's why when other people also announce their own huge moments near or around other people's moments... the drama can hit the fan.
Redditor Purple_Will_3423 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for announcing my pregnancy shortly after my sister's?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 26) am married, my husband (M[ale] 31) and I have a five-year-old boy, and we're expecting our second baby (I'm 18 weeks now)."
"My older sister (F 31) is also married, and she's expecting her first child (she's about 26 weeks)."
"They had some issues getting pregnant and it took a while, our family knew this."
"I think I was very supportive, which is why I find her reaction to my pregnancy out of place"
"Three weeks ago we had a family gathering."
"I was going to announce that I was pregnant then, but I didn't because I met up with my sister a few days prior and she told me about the baby and that she was planning to tell everyone in that gathering."
"I understood that it was difficult for her since it's something that she's been really wanting."
"She waited a bit longer than I did with my first baby because she was scared of having a miscarriage."
"I totally supported her, and I didn't tell her about my own pregnancy because I didn't want her to think I was stealing her spotlight (which ended up happening anyway)."
"She announced her pregnancy during our gathering and everyone congratulated her, it was good."
"Fast forward to last week, I was talking to our brother's G[irl]F[riend]. She noticed my pregnancy, and I confirmed it."
"Since she was planning a family gathering (they moved recently to a house with a garden, so they wanted to host a garden party) she told me that I could announce the pregnancy to our family at their party."
"I said sure (I was planning to send a text to the family to share the news)."
"The day of the party came, my brother and his girlfriend cooked for us, it was nice."
"Then I told everyone that I was pregnant again, and everyone, of course, congratulated me and started asking me the usual questions, how far along I was, how I was feeling, etc."
"My sister, however, got upset. I noticed that she was looking off, so I asked her what was up (because I thought maybe she was feeling sick)."
"She said that I'm such an egocentric bit*h, that she knew I would do something like this to 'steal her spotlight.'"
"I asked her how I could do it on purpose if I didn't even know she was pregnant until very recently; she told me that either way, I knew she was trying, but I don't think I should have to put my life on pause just for her."
"We argued, she called me a lot of names, I called her names back, I admit it."
"She then told me that I didn't have to make such a big deal to announce my pregnancy since it's my second baby, not my first."
"She also said that I was jealous of the attention she got before, and that's why I had to make this about myself so everyone would pay attention to me and not her."
"I don't think I did anything wrong, but I clearly hurt her, so I'm wondering if maybe I am, in fact, an a**hole, and I should've kept the announcement low-key."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA at 18 weeks the pregnancy was going to be announcing itself soon anyway."
"It was unavoidable." ~ Pristine-Rhubarb7294
"I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with our first."
"I was in maternity clothes at 7 weeks, thanks to the IVF hormones."
"If anyone, who knew we were going through IVF saw me in person, they knew I was pregnant."
"OP's sister is being ridiculous saying OP shouldn't have announced her pregnancy or even got pregnant because she knew her sister was trying."
"It's crazy to expect someone to put their family planning on hold, just in case you get pregnant." ~ redheadedsweetie
"NTA, but your sister is being ridiculous to think you shouldn't announce your pregnancy."
"With my first, I was still in my denim jeans with just the top button undone into my sixth month."
"With my second? Pfft."
"That kid made the announcement I was pregnant by the time I was 3 months along. PoP!!" ~ ohemgee0309
"You know how there are some bridezillas who want to be the center of attention the entire year leading up to their wedding and demand that there are no other weddings in either family to move the spotlight off of the bride?"
"OP's sister is bringing the same energy. NTA." ~ MNVixen
"NTA. She's 26 weeks, and you're 18 weeks. I get her wanting to wait, but you're already in the clear and pretty obvious soon, too."
"HOWEVER- information required - was she like this before pregnancy?"
"Because there's a good chance there's some perinatal anxiety going on, and she may need help navigating through it."
"For her sake and her baby."
"And with a five-year age gap, you're starting from scratch again; I reckon that's a pretty decent gap, and, to be honest, every bub is worth celebrating."
"It's not like you had a full-on baby shower."
"It was an announcement amongst friends and family." ~ Cracker_Bites
"You shouldn't have reacted in kind to her name-calling, but even then, NTA."
"She's calling YOU egocentric because she's upset you (momentarily) took the spotlight off HER?"
"That says it all right there."
"She should be thrilled you two are going through the experience together, your kids will be so close in age, etc."
"But, nope, all she cares about is not being the sole center of attention."
"You did nothing wrong."
"Congratulations, and I hope everything is smooth and healthy for all of you." ~ Curious_Vixen_Here
"Reading through twice, it seems like she isn't made about the announcement but that… OP got pregnant at all?"
"Like, she didn't think OP should be trying while she was?!"
"Obviously NTA."
"And she has had a month being the 'only' pregnant one in the family."
"It is what it is." ~ SierraSeaWitch
"Was she expecting you to keep your pregnancy hidden for months, go no-contact with your family until the baby is born, and then give birth in a dark corner all by yourself?"
"On a related note, was she also expecting you to keep your newborn hidden for months because your baby could steal the thunder of her baby?"
"At what point would you be allowed to introduce your baby to the family?"
"The more good news, the merrier it is."
"I will never understand this stupid idea of the 'do not announce anything and steal my thunder' thing. NTA." ~ Snnbe
"NTA. The only thing I'd say you could have done differently is to give her a heads up before announcing at the party but even still you're not wrong." ~ Rude-You7763
"I agree that maybe you should have given her a heads-up, but even then, her feelings aren't your fault."
"Look, it isn't fair that your sister is acting this way, sure."
"She's likely excited as a first-time mother to be, she's worried and wants her family's support and attention -- undivided."
"She feels the way she feels, eh?"
"She thought she'd be in the spotlight for being pregnant after having difficulties getting pregnant."
"She took it out on you unfairly."
"But I'm sure you can understand how she thought she'd be the focus for a while, only to have to share it."
"Yeah, that's childish of her, but you unintentionally(!) surprised her with this, and she reacted childishly at the moment."
"Surely the two of you can work it out, right?"
"You're NTA."
"Assuming she's a good sister otherwise, just let her calm down and try to talk it out with her."
"Her emotions got too big for her, she lashed out, and when you lashed right back, it went farther than it should have done."
"If her jealousy becomes more than just a temporary outburst and goes on for longer, then that isn't on you."
"It's just a coincidence, not an intentional act since you didn't even know she was pregnant while pregnant yourself." ~ shannon_dey
"NTA. Does your sister also expect you to hide your bump for the next 9 months so as not to steal her thunder?"
"I get that she's very excited to be pregnant and that it didn't come easily, but she needs to get a grip now." ~ Outrageous-Victory18
"NTA, how you could possibly be TA is beyond me."
"Sister announced her pregnancy three weeks ago in front of everyone."
"It was tough for them etc etc, but she had her moment in the spotlight."
"You didn't go seeking out to announce your second in front of everyone, the host noticed and asked you outright, to which you confirmed and they found you to announce it at the more recent gathering."
"Cool no issues here."
"Then when you do, everyone is cool, bar your sister throwing a paddy."
"Trying to steal her thunder?"
"What, is nobody else in the family allowed to get pregnant until she's given birth or something?"
"Even then, is there a period with the newborn where nobody is allowed to get pregnant?"
"You know what I mean, your sister is being ridiculous to think she's the only one allowed to be pregnant in perpetuity." ~ ZookeepergameNo7151
"NTA, you delayed telling you're own news so that she could have the attention to herself, and her implying that your second child should be celebrated less is nonsensical and a**hole territory." ~ RevolutionaryMap5412
OP came back to say thanks...
"Thank you for all the well wishes! 🫂"
"I'll try to reply to all the comments, but in case I can't, I just wanted to thank you!"
Reddit is here for you, OP.
You had every right to announce your pregnancy.
Clearly, you're starting to show.
What else were you going to do?
Your sister seems to have some sensitivity issues with all of this.
That is unfortunate, but it is also HER problem to work out.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp