It's not easy to tell a loved one that they need to make changes to their lifestyle.
Even if deep down, it's a message they need to hear. There is a time, a place, and a way to share this with them, and it must be done with love and support.
Taking them by surprise with this message or doing so in front of people who have no need to hear it will likely not be successful.
The aunt of Redditor Sensitive-Table-928 constantly felt compelled to make light of a personal struggle the original poster (OP) was going through.
Eventually, the OP's aunt did offer to help her overcome this obstacle.
Unfortunately, she did so in a less-than-sympathetic manner, which the OP did not appreciate at all.
Having concerns about their reaction, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing my birthday gift because it was a weight watchers subscription?"
The OP explained why they were less than appreciative of the birthday present they received from their aunt:
"I turned 18 (female) yesterday, but it seems to have caused a bit of drama in my family, so I'm asking for honest, objective opinions on whether I'm wrong."
"For reference, my weight has always been made fun of in my family."
"My aunt specifically has always been very unkind and fat-shamed me, even when I was younger and struggling with my body image."
"She used to tell me that my clothes looked so small on me and that even her clothes are probably small for me."
"She used to remind me to go on diets constantly."
"I'm currently 320lbs if it adds context."
"I hadn't seen my aunt in a while, and for the most part, I was really glad to see her for my birthday."
"I was slightly dreading if she would say anything to me because I'm aware I have gained a lot of weight since I last saw her, but she just made a few comments, so I thought it was the end of it."
"I was opening a birthday card she gave me a few hours later, and it had money in it, with a note that said 'money for Weight Watchers, make some real change for once'."
"This was humiliating, and I asked her about it, and she said that she could tell I was miserable and that I probably look really good underneath the fat."
"She said this in front of my parents, and it was very embarrassing."
"I told her I'm not accepting the gift and she's making me look stupid, but she said that she was just worried for me and my health."
"I don't believe this; she's made fun of my weight for years, even before I was a teenager."
"But my parents think I was overreacting, and I should've just accepted it."
"My aunt has a notoriously big mouth, and my parents think she's going to tell our whole family, so they're getting kind of worried about what I've done."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing their aunt's present.
Nearly everyone agreed that the OP's aunt was rude and insensitive, with many pointing out that if she were actually concerned about the OP's health and well-being, she would have been much more proactive years earlier instead of making fun of her that whole time:
"As a fat person myself at 295lbs, I am aware I'm overweight."
"People don't need to bring it to my attention."
"I'm petty enough I'd mail back the card, with the money and note telling her to go to hell and not to bother with me anymore, I'd rather have nothing than her constant judgment."
"NTA."-Remember-Glass-A**
"NTA."
"Absolutely NTA."
"She has amply applied salt in the wound for a decade."
"Consider:"
"'I considered buying you an award for sustaining 'Lack of Tact' and 'Body Shaming' for 10+ years but instead I'll return your gift so you can buy something to pre-occupy your thoughts and actions since I'm no longer accepting your shaming insults."
"or..."
"'I donated your birthday money gift to a local animal shelter because dogs have more empathy than you'."
"....c'mon sub....what else could OP state?!"- DesertSong-LaLa
"If you wanted to join weight watchers and she wanted to support you with money, and she did it privately then that would helping you."
"To do this in front of your parents was NOT the way to do it."
"NTA for calling her on it."
"Good luck to you in your future."- hikergirl26
"NTA."
"That wasn't a gift. That was an insult with a bow on top."- copper-feather
"NTA."
"I'm so sorry, OP."
"No one should be shamed like this."
"My mother fat-shamed me under the guise of 'caring about my health' for decades."
"I finally melted down at her and told her that my weight was off limits."
"I would hang up the phone if she started in on it."
"I lived about 1,000 miles and three states away for my sanity."
"After years of therapy I finally lost 115 pounds."
"But I only ever gained weight when she was up my butt about it."
"I'm still heavy, but I'm not ashamed of my body anymore."
"I had to find the grace to love myself fat before I could lose any weight (and keep it off)."
"OP, I'm not saying 'lose weight', your journey is yours and yours alone."
"What I will say: Love yourself, and do not take the shame others try to give you."- Mysterious_Peas
"Absolutely NTA."
"I'm glad you're an adult now, since you can decide what kind of boundaries you want to set with your toxic aunt."
"Being family does not give her the right to insult, shame, or belittle you."
"Also, I hope your parents wake up to the situation and see that they should have supported you more when this happened."
"I believe in assuming good intentions, but your aunt's previous behavior has made it clear this was NOT a well-intended gift."
"Good on you for not losing your temper and blowing up at her; you showed a lot of self-control!"-Jolly_Cartoonist_258
"NTA."
"Even if she does genuinely care about your health, this was an incredibly cruel horrible way to show that."
"I'm sorry OP."
"Happy belated birthday, I hope you had some enjoyment on your day."- Emergency-Baby-5266
"NTA."
"I think I would keep the money and tell the aunt you have a better way to lose weight."
"You plan to lose (Insert whatever she weighs here) pounds by cutting her off from your life."-Cezzium
"Your parents are worried she'll tell family?"
"What can she say that won't make her look completely villainous?"
"Even if they agree to her face, she will get serious side eye for giving you such a vicious, tone deaf 'gift'."
"NTA."- Alia_Explores99
"Wait, 320lb that's 22 stone & you're only 18."
"Sorry honey but that's clinically obese & is really worrying especially with you being so young too."
"Your aunt is a massive AH for the way she has treated you over you weight issue but sweety it is a serious issue."
"Being that weight will have serious consequences with your physical health (& mental health)."
"Though they/she has gone about it in completely the wrong way they do have a point."
"You can't keep putting on weight the repercussions are to extreme, especially with you being so young."
"You may not like this but you need to serious think about getting some help with your weight but not because they're shaming you (the a**holes) but because you deserve to be a healthy weight to enjoy your life."
"Please consider getting help (not from your family) but from professionals that can help you lose the weight in a healthy way without putting you down or shaming you."
"NTA."- Green-Dragon-14
There were, however, a few who could understand where the OP's aunt was coming from, feeling that the OP's weight was, indeed, a very serious concern, even though they also agreed that the OP had every right to be hurt and upset by her actions:
"NAH but 320lbs at just 18 is . . . Concerning."
"Maybe your Aunt went about it wrong, but she is NOT wrong to be concerned about you."
"You don't have to do Weight Watchers, but you DO need to start thinking about your health."
"You are on the fast track to heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure, joint problems, etc."
"Your family has the right to be concerned about your morbid obesity."
"Down vote me to hell please."- SadPanda207
A birthday is the one day someone has a year where they deserve nothing but love and kindness.
Neither of which the OP's aunt provided in her present.
Perhaps the OP's parents just wanted to avoid causing drama within the family, but one can only hope that they eventually see how hurt and embarrassed the OP was by her aunt's present.
Maybe then the OP's parents will finally put an end to something they should have nipped in the bud years ago.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp