It's not easy to tell a loved one that they need to make changes to their lifestyle.
Even if deep down, it's a message they need to hear. There is a time, a place, and a way to share this with them, and it must be done with love and support.
Taking them by surprise with this message or doing so in front of people who have no need to hear it will likely not be successful.
The aunt of Redditor Sensitive-Table-928 constantly felt compelled to make light of a personal struggle the original poster (OP) was going through.
Eventually, the OP's aunt did offer to help her overcome this obstacle.
Unfortunately, she did so in a less-than-sympathetic manner, which the OP did not appreciate at all.
Having concerns about their reaction, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing my birthday gift because it was a weight watchers subscription?"
The OP explained why they were less than appreciative of the birthday present they received from their aunt:
"I turned 18 (female) yesterday, but it seems to have caused a bit of drama in my family, so I'm asking for honest, objective opinions on whether I'm wrong."
"For reference, my weight has always been made fun of in my family."
"My aunt specifically has always been very unkind and fat-shamed me, even when I was younger and struggling with my body image."
"She used to tell me that my clothes looked so small on me and that even her clothes are probably small for me."
"She used to remind me to go on diets constantly."
"I'm currently 320lbs if it adds context."
"I hadn't seen my aunt in a while, and for the most part, I was really glad to see her for my birthday."
"I was slightly dreading if she would say anything to me because I'm aware I have gained a lot of weight since I last saw her, but she just made a few comments, so I thought it was the end of it."
"I was opening a birthday card she gave me a few hours later, and it had money in it, with a note that said 'money for Weight Watchers, make some real change for once'."
"This was humiliating, and I asked her about it, and she said that she could tell I was miserable and that I probably look really good underneath the fat."
"She said this in front of my parents, and it was very embarrassing."
"I told her I'm not accepting the gift and she's making me look stupid, but she said that she was just worried for me and my health."
"I don't believe this; she's made fun of my weight for years, even before I was a teenager."
"But my parents think I was overreacting, and I should've just accepted it."
"My aunt has a notoriously big mouth, and my parents think she's going to tell our whole family, so they're getting kind of worried about what I've done."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing their aunt's present.
Nearly everyone agreed that the OP's aunt was rude and insensitive, with many pointing out that if she were actually concerned about the OP's health and well-being, she would have been much more proactive years earlier instead of making fun of her that whole time:
"As a fat person myself at 295lbs, I am aware I'm overweight."
"People don't need to bring it to my attention."
"I'm petty enough I'd mail back the card, with the money and note telling her to go to hell and not to bother with me anymore, I'd rather have nothing than her constant judgment."
"NTA."-Remember-Glass-A**
"NTA."
"Absolutely NTA."
"She has amply applied salt in the wound for a decade."
"Consider:"
"'I considered buying you an award for sustaining 'Lack of Tact' and 'Body Shaming' for 10+ years but instead I'll return your gift so you can buy something to pre-occupy your thoughts and actions since I'm no longer accepting your shaming insults."
"or..."
"'I donated your birthday money gift to a local animal shelter because dogs have more empathy than you'."
"....c'mon sub....what else could OP state?!"- DesertSong-LaLa
"If you wanted to join weight watchers and she wanted to support you with money, and she did it privately then that would helping you."
"To do this in front of your parents was NOT the way to do it."
"NTA for calling her on it."
"Good luck to you in your future."- hikergirl26
"NTA."
"That wasn't a gift. That was an insult with a bow on top."- copper-feather
"NTA."
"I'm so sorry, OP."
"No one should be shamed like this."
"My mother fat-shamed me under the guise of 'caring about my health' for decades."
"I finally melted down at her and told her that my weight was off limits."
"I would hang up the phone if she started in on it."
"I lived about 1,000 miles and three states away for my sanity."
"After years of therapy I finally lost 115 pounds."
"But I only ever gained weight when she was up my butt about it."
"I'm still heavy, but I'm not ashamed of my body anymore."
"I had to find the grace to love myself fat before I could lose any weight (and keep it off)."
"OP, I'm not saying 'lose weight', your journey is yours and yours alone."
"What I will say: Love yourself, and do not take the shame others try to give you."- Mysterious_Peas
"Absolutely NTA."
"I'm glad you're an adult now, since you can decide what kind of boundaries you want to set with your toxic aunt."
"Being family does not give her the right to insult, shame, or belittle you."
"Also, I hope your parents wake up to the situation and see that they should have supported you more when this happened."
"I believe in assuming good intentions, but your aunt's previous behavior has made it clear this was NOT a well-intended gift."
"Good on you for not losing your temper and blowing up at her; you showed a lot of self-control!"-Jolly_Cartoonist_258
"NTA."
"Even if she does genuinely care about your health, this was an incredibly cruel horrible way to show that."
"I'm sorry OP."
"Happy belated birthday, I hope you had some enjoyment on your day."- Emergency-Baby-5266
"NTA."
"I think I would keep the money and tell the aunt you have a better way to lose weight."
"You plan to lose (Insert whatever she weighs here) pounds by cutting her off from your life."-Cezzium
"Your parents are worried she'll tell family?"
"What can she say that won't make her look completely villainous?"
"Even if they agree to her face, she will get serious side eye for giving you such a vicious, tone deaf 'gift'."
"NTA."- Alia_Explores99
"Wait, 320lb that's 22 stone & you're only 18."
"Sorry honey but that's clinically obese & is really worrying especially with you being so young too."
"Your aunt is a massive AH for the way she has treated you over you weight issue but sweety it is a serious issue."
"Being that weight will have serious consequences with your physical health (& mental health)."
"Though they/she has gone about it in completely the wrong way they do have a point."
"You can't keep putting on weight the repercussions are to extreme, especially with you being so young."
"You may not like this but you need to serious think about getting some help with your weight but not because they're shaming you (the a**holes) but because you deserve to be a healthy weight to enjoy your life."
"Please consider getting help (not from your family) but from professionals that can help you lose the weight in a healthy way without putting you down or shaming you."
"NTA."- Green-Dragon-14
There were, however, a few who could understand where the OP's aunt was coming from, feeling that the OP's weight was, indeed, a very serious concern, even though they also agreed that the OP had every right to be hurt and upset by her actions:
"NAH but 320lbs at just 18 is . . . Concerning."
"Maybe your Aunt went about it wrong, but she is NOT wrong to be concerned about you."
"You don't have to do Weight Watchers, but you DO need to start thinking about your health."
"You are on the fast track to heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure, joint problems, etc."
"Your family has the right to be concerned about your morbid obesity."
"Down vote me to hell please."- SadPanda207
A birthday is the one day someone has a year where they deserve nothing but love and kindness.
Neither of which the OP's aunt provided in her present.
Perhaps the OP's parents just wanted to avoid causing drama within the family, but one can only hope that they eventually see how hurt and embarrassed the OP was by her aunt's present.
Maybe then the OP's parents will finally put an end to something they should have nipped in the bud years ago.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.