Changing diapers can almost be as bad as changing kitty litter.
People have been known to vomit on cue for both, or at the very least, experience a violent dry heave.
But parents have no other choice.
The diaper has to be changed.
But not everybody feels it needs to be a community effort.
Redditor Late4AnAppointment wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to change someone's baby's diaper?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have been married 10+ years and have a few kids."
"S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and her husband had a baby 2 years ago."
"No major complaints - they just tend to ask for people to do stuff that I would think they'd do themselves."
"They'll come over to our house (they live an hour away) and ask beforehand if we have their kid's favorite crackers on hand."
"Why don't they just pack the crackers?"
"I don't know (they are well off, and money is not an issue)."
"If one of them leaves the room, they'll ask one of us (my wife or kids) to be 'in charge' of the baby - even if the other parent is right there, just scrolling on their phone or something."
"But whenever I say something to my wife, she says I'm being too much."
"The other day, we were having dinner at M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s house when the baby had a poopy diaper."
"SIL looks at me and says in the sweetest voice, 'Uncle (my name), can you change the diaper?'"
"She frequently does this when we're there but this was the first time I was asked."
"I answered politely, 'No, I'm sorry, I don't do that.'"
"'You... don't do diapers??'"
"'No, I don't do other people's kid's diapers if their mom or dad is around. I mean, if I'm babysitting, sure thing, but yeah - if the parents are around - I just feel like it's their job.'"
"SIL looks like she's ready to cry 'Well... I feel selfish.'"
"I smiled to try and set her at ease, 'Not trying to make you feel anyway, just telling you a boundary is all.'"
"The table got really awkward as she got up and did the diaper."
"Afterwards my wife blamed me for making SIL feel bad and said I could've just changed the diaper."
"Not trying to make anyone feel bad - but I've had three kids, and I always took responsibility -I watched them, packed for them, and changed them."
"I'm not looking to be a secondary parent for this kid."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. Your SIL only felt bad because the obvious was pointed out to her."
"You said no when she asked you, then she pressed you further, trying to either guilt you into changing the diaper or make you look bad because you didn't want to change a poopy diaper." ~ starry_nite99
"In the middle of dinner even! NTA."
"I quit doing things with people like this who tried to get me to change diapers when parents were right there."
"It's their responsibility."
'One former friend wanted to start dropping her baby off with us FOR THE DAY on a regular basis!"
"We said no nicely and I guess she was just there to try to use us because we never heard from her again."
"I had already cooked dinner and entertained them."
"We were young married people without children and working F[ull]T[ime].
"I'm not sure why people have children without the expectation of caring for them." ~ RetiredNFlorida
"I think people don't realize how relentless baby care is."
"I can 100% understand why I'd want (not expect) someone else to interrupt their dinner to change the baby so that I could eat something hot for once."
"However, this is the reality of baby care, and if both parents are there, there's no excuse for asking anyone else to do it. NTA, but I feel for SIL; I wonder how much actual parenting the baby's dad does."
"By the way, I don't notice your wife leaping up to change the baby, just criticizing you for not doing it." ~ oddprofessor
"NTA. Really does feel like they're using you guys."
"I think the parents might actually fight about it at home."
"Boundaries are healthy for everyone honestly." ~ tango421
"I think you handled that amazingly well."
"She sounds like she's not used to anyone saying no to her and setting boundaries."
'Putting on the tears and 'being selfish' act is manipulation and it sounds like that worked on your wife, not you."
"Nothing to feel bad about."
"She sounds like a wanna-be princess." ~ starship910
"Exactly. OP wasn't rude, just firm."
"The whole 'you're being selfish' move was pure guilt-tripping, and honestly, it's about time someone held a boundary with her."
"Changing a diaper isn't a huge ask, but being expected to parent someone else's kid constantly?"
"That's a hard no." ~ HarmonnySerenade
"NTA. The parents were there and capable of changing the diaper."
"That is their responsibility."
"Anyone else that does it is a kind gesture."
"I would set the exact same boundary." ~ xzxinflamesxzx
"NTA, but then why didn't your wife step in and offer to change the diaper?"
"That's right because she doesn't want to do it either."
"You have a massive wife problem."
"She needs to shut this down with her family, not encourage it." ~ Eastern_Condition863
"NTA - making sure the baby doesn't come to harm by, say, rolling off a couch is the responsibility of any adult who sees an issue."
"Basic hygiene and feeding needs are the problem of the parent."
"If someone volunteers, then well and good."
"Otherwise, no, that is a fair boundary." ~ Timely_Egg_6827
"NTA... I'm a parent and no way would i expect someone else to change my kids nappies when i'm right there."
"If they offer, that's a different story, but it's so tacky to ask." ~ alphabetacheetah
"NTA. I remember my brother holding out his son and asking my mother if she wanted to change the diaper."
"She sweetly said, I did my turn at that."
"It's your turn now."
"She did babysit when asked and changed diapers then, but not while dad and mom were right there." ~ ShazInCA
"NTA- I'm a mom to one-year-old identical twins. I do a LOT of diapers so does my husband; never once have we asked a dinner guest, or anyone for that matter, to change a poop for us or a wee for that matter. Ridiculous." ~Shiner5132
"What strange requests. NTA."
"You are not obligated to change a diaper if the parents are present."
"SIL needs to have boundaries, and I'm surprised no one has brought them up."
"She is very entitled." ~ ResponsibleHuman64
"NTA. Also, parents shouldn't be so willy-nilly about letting whoever changes their kids' diapers."
"I'm not saying you're a creep or anything, but it's their job to protect."
"They need to do better." ~ Which_Piglet7193
"NTA. She is wild to be asking people to change the diaper or watch the baby when the other parent is present or she can do it herself. WTF."
"She is upset because she is embarrassed."
"Hold firm and stand your ground." ~ Less_Instruction_345
"NTA... sorry but if she wasn't ready for the responsibility of having a kid she should never have had one!"
"And your wife and the family need to stop enabling this shitty entitlement of this woman."
"Because she will only demand more and more from others for her kid when it's her and the father's responsibility."
"You set a perfectly appropriate boundary, and if she has a problem with it, then she needs to look in the damn mirror and learn how to be a proper parent!" ~ Miniwolf94
"Yuck. Sorry, no. Just...yuck."
"I'm not a bio-parent, but if I were, I would never try to outsource that nasty job to someone who didn't volunteer and who hadn't agreed to babysit."
"If I were in the middle of cooking, I might ask someone to keep an eye on the stove while I handled diaper duty."
"Then if that person volunteered to change the baby instead so that I could keep cooking, I'd be eternally grateful."
"But SIL was wildly inappropriate to ask OP, much less try to shame him for declining."
"And if Wife is so gung-ho about helping with diaper duty... why didn't SHE volunteer? NTA." ~ mcdulph
"NTA. If you bring a child or animal over to my house, you're responsible for cleaning up any messes it makes."
"Expecting others to change your child's diaper (or scoop your dog's poop) is some weird entitlement." ~ PlantSufficient6531
NTA in the slightest - you set a clear boundary, and SIL just didn't like it. Your wife should have had your back!
"I would never ask someone to change my daughter's nappy if I'm around to do it."
"I've had my SIL call out to me that '[Daughter] has a bit of a smell' - I don't then say 'lovely, would you mind sorting that out?!'"
"Instead, I thank her for the heads up, and either my Wife or I get to work!"
"HOWEVER, if both my wife and I are in the middle of something and a family member says, 'I think [daughter's] nappy needs changing, do you want me to do it?'"
"We're not going to turn down a voluntary offer (e.g. if both my wife and I are still eating dinner and my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has finished eating already)." ~ Toxo88
"NTA but your wife really is. She has no problem with her sister and B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] using you."
"They came to your home so they don't have to parent their child and insist you have the special crackers the child likes?"
"Come on, your wife is a huge a**hole."
"Either leave when they visit from no one or refuse their visits."
"Stand up for yourself." ~ lilyofthevalley2659
"NTA. You handled this perfectly."
"'Not trying to make you feel anyway, just telling you a boundary is all.'"
"That is respectfully declined without attempting to hurt anyone."
"I am irritated she would even ask you to change baby's diaper when she is right there and capable of doing it herself."
"Not your ki,d not your responsibility." ~ Nicknamewastoolong
"NTA. I love my siblings and changed their diapers all the time, but only if the parents were otherwise occupied (usually with another kid)."
"Asking someone to change your own kid's (poopy!) diaper when you're right there but don't want to is selfish and entitled."
"SIL has probably been doing this her entire life with many things and has never been called out on it before." ~ metsfn82
"NTA. What is wrong with your SIL?"
"When we're out with family, and it's diaper time, I always take charge unless my husband is there and does it."
"The parents take the yucky bits, that's just how it goes." ~ ladyrockess
"NTA, and good for you for not falling prey to the manipulation."
"How entitled of her..." ~ RigsbyLovesFibsh
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your in-laws sound outrageously entitled.
It's never a bad thing to stand up for yourself.
They can change their own kid's diapers.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp