People have been overworking themselves for generations.
So many people put in a 40-hour work week… plus 20.
This way of life has taken its toll on people’s physical and mental health.
Because of this, legions of workers have begun putting up boundaries.
Boundaries such as “no work after certain hours.”
This has been an important rule for those who have to go into the office, and they like to leave the office behind them.
Home can be a sanctuary.
So, no work, no ZOOMs, and no calls in the sanctuary.
These choices can have stressful outcomes.
Redditor Leading-Science-6302 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my boyfriend he crossed a line with my work-life balance?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
I (28 F[emale]) work long, intense hours at a high-pressure job, and my B[oy]F[riend] (30 M[ale]) knows this.
“Recently, I finally set boundaries to stop taking work calls after 7 pm.”
“This has helped me unwind and prioritize our time together, which he initially seemed to support.”
“Last night, my boss called around 8:30 pm, but I ignored it.”
“My boyfriend asked why I didn’t pick up, and I explained I didn’t want work intruding on my evening.”
“To my shock, he picked up my phone and answered the call himself, saying I was ‘too busy relaxing to talk.’”
“I was mortified!”
“My boss sounded annoyed, and I had to spend 30 minutes on the call, only because he made it sound like I was slacking off.”
“Afterward, I was furious and told him it wasn’t his place to interfere with my work like that.”
“He thinks I’m overreacting and ‘shouldn’t be ashamed’ of setting boundaries.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Wow, this is really inappropriate.”
“He just undermined you and damaged your relationship with your boss.”
“To me, it’s creepy that he even answers your phone at all unless there was an emergency, much less when he knows it’s your boss calling. NTA.”
“Edit for all the men ‘unable’ to understand: yes, prior to cell phones, we all answered landlines for each other.”
“The very obvious difference is that those were almost always communal lines.”
“Cell phones are not communal property in most cases, and unless you and your partner have agreed that you would like one another to answer each other’s phones, doing this can often be considered intrusive for both the person whose phone you answered and the caller who was not expecting to interact with you.”
“If you are doing this in any way to screen your partner’s calls or gain access to the information you wouldn’t otherwise have, then you are engaging in abusive behavior.”
“Examine your motives carefully.”
“Additional edit: yes, if you are a woman engaging in this behavior it is still abusive.”
“I don’t know why this requires further explanation but here we are.”
“I am specifically addressing the people in the comments, who all appeared to identify as male at the time I made the original edit. “
“This is directed at those specific men and is not a generalized statement about men as a category.”
“Sigh. As someone who has experienced abusive dynamics like this from a man, and who is addressing a specific situation involving a man, and comments about that situation made by men I stand by my choice of pronouns in this instance.” ~ Historical_World7179
“NTA. I’d break up with him, he sounds like he wants to get you fired.”
“‘Too busy relaxing to talk.'” ~ Intelligent-Entry792
“NTA – your boyfriend isn’t helping.”
“You don’t need him to defend you because you set the boundary.”
“He shouldn’t have said anything and it’s very rude of him to assume he has any place to speak for you in your professional life.” ~ indred72
“Wow. I’m usually incredibly level-headed about the awful stuff I read on these subs.”
“What in the actual f**k did I just read?”
“Does he hate you or is he just a manipulative half-brained moron?”
“Because I’m assuming it’s both, only asking to see if you know that.”
“This was so insanely past the line.”
“And his response to you about why he did it was nakedly manipulative and dumb on a 3rd grader level, surely you know that.”
“I know you’re probably only here asking because you doubt yourself maybe too much and you have a child with him.”
“But holy s**t.”
“If my spouse, whom I love very much, did this divorce would be on the table after I ruled out a horrible medical event that was altering her brain chemistry.”
“Jesus. Skipped right past making you miserable and belittling you and f**ked with your career and income all in one fell swoop.”
“NTA obviously.”
“But I hope you’re not sincerely entertaining the idea that you’re even possibly the a**hole here.” ~ Key-Demand-2569
“Umm, absolutely NTA.”
“Him saying he was trying to help you set a boundary is gaslighting because he quite clearly made it much more difficult for you to enforce that boundary.”
“There was zero reason to answer the phone, but if he really wanted to tell your boss to back off he could have said ‘OP is getting ready for bed, it’s really not an appropriate time for a work call, but I’ll let her know to check in with you in the AM.'”
“Saying she’s too busy relaxing is basically saying, ‘Hey, she’s not gonna answer the phone because she’s lazy. She doesn’t have anything else to do. She just wanted to ignore you. Here she is!'”
“What your boyfriend was doing was actively sabotaging your job/career.”
“I don’t know why.”
“But it’s hard to imagine any good reason for it.”
“I don’t know how long y’all have been together, and if this is out of the blue, I’m not going to tell you to dump him.”
“But certainly make crystal clear he may never answer your phone except in a medical emergency.”
“And if he does it anyway, yeah you gotta leave, or it’s basically permission to trample all over your wants/needs.” ~ ThrowRASnarlyJ2
“I get the feeling that he’s trying to sabotage you.”
“Making an assumption here but I’m guessing that out of the two of you, you are the high(er) flyer and he has the more mundane job.”
“I also suspect that he sees himself as the main character in your relationship and that you need to obey his rules.”
“Your boss will now be wondering if he is controlling (I suspect he is) and whether that will impact your work.”
“It is outrageous that your BF thinks it is acceptable to answer a work call but it is far worse that he attempted to be the one setting boundaries with your boss.”
“You need to take some time out to determine whether this is the life you want (or need). NTA.” ~ East_Parking8340
“NTA. He could have cost you your job, to be honest, and that’s not his place to make a decision like that.”
“Especially when you already decided you wouldn’t answer.” ~ xhevnobski
“NTA. He messed with your career.”
“A boss who calls you that late could very easily fire you over a comment like that.”
“Please don’t stay with someone who is willing to risk your employment.” ~ Cursd818
“NTA. He’s so out of line for that one.”
“If my fiancée ever EVER picked up a call from my boss to flame me for relaxing I would lose my mind.”
“I turn my work computer off at 5 pm and back on at 8:30 am.”
“Boundaries are essential to maintaining mental health when you have a stressful job.”
“He should be ashamed of trying to push you to burnout.” ~ G_Art33
“NTA. Seriously, you aren’t the a**hole.”
“Half an hour on the phone to explain to your boss that when you’re off work, you’re relaxing or doing not work things?”
“Should have been a quick ‘I’m sorry boss, but my now ex-boyfriend crossed a major line. Yes, I’m off work and relaxing. I’ll see you in the morning.'”
“YTA if you stay with this man.”
“This is a HUGE boundary that you should not ever allow a romantic partner to cross unless you are in the hospital and cannot take calls.” ~ Inner-Nothing7779
“What the actual F?!”
“I would genuinely break up over this.”
“He is not only waltzing over your boundaries and disregarding your mental health, he is actively sabotaging your professional credibility and endangering your job relationships.”
“This is complete asshole behavior. NTA.” ~ SDeCookie
“NTA – What the f**k is wrong with him?”
“That is not something any reasonable person would do.”
“Then he doubled down!”
“Is this really the guy you want to be with?”
“There are so many people out there.” ~ InsideAmbitious4758
“NTA at allll!!!”
“This is a major red flag, and because it sounds like you live together, I really hope this is the only one.”
“That is completely inconsiderate and selfish of him.”
“You said you drew a boundary to stop taking work calls after 7, and that bf has been supportive: imagine if he would’ve just allowed you to ignore the call as usual!!!”
“He would’ve actually gotten his way, but he was so in his own head, concerned about himself, that he couldn’t even see it that way. that was not his place to touch the phone at all.”
“The only thing I could even consider asking is if you’ve been consistent in keeping that boundary firm.”
“If you take calls after seven all the time, maybe he is just acting out for your attention.”
“This doesn’t make it right still, but it does give a little more understanding of his intentions of downright acting like a child when mommy is on the phone.” ~ saucyhaasyy
“NTA. It takes epically poor judgment for someone to do that. Very concerning.”
“You have every reason to be pissed.”
“And if he doesn’t take accountability and apologize for it instead of defending it like he’d do it again, then you’d have every reason to dump his a**.” ~ Mountain_Stress5909
“NTA. No way in hell should he answer your phone without your explicit permission.”
“Especially a work call.”
“He needs to know that’s a boundary, too.” ~ Linkcott18
“NTA – this is a HUGE red flag.”
“A partner that actively tries to sabotage your job – and in a hetero relationship at that – might as well be a matador in a bullpen.”
“That is how Abusers Financially Trap Their Victims 101.”
“I’m not saying he is an abuser, but you should absolutely be doing some math with the things you’ve noticed about him.”
“I would personally rethink any relationship in which a partner did this.”
“Because this is not at ALL okay.” ~ spiffytrashcan
“NTA. He doesn’t respect you or your career.”
“It’s possible your decisions regarding your career have not been in your best interest, but even if you think someone you love is making a mistake, you have to respect their decision.”
“Having conversations with you about it is fine, answering a call without your permission is absolutely not.”
“To say he made you look unprofessional is almost underselling it.”
“He told your boss, who was clearly working, that you were too busy relaxing.”
“I take my career very seriously and would be spitting fire if someone did that to me.”
“Set up your phone so that it will auto-send calls from work after your designated hour to voicemail.”
“Don’t even let it ring if you are tempted to answer it.” ~ notrightmeowthx
“NTA. That was a control move, inserting himself into your work life.”
“Is he controlling in other aspects of your life?”
“That was seriously not OK.” ~ thesilveringfox
“NTA. Ignoring the call was setting boundaries.” ~ ClassicTrue9276
“NTA. This man is getting between you and $.”
“He needs to go.” ~ Clear-Marzipan-6050
Reddit is not cool with your BF’s actions, OP.
You have a situation on your hands.
That phone is your personal property.
And he ignorantly compromised your job status.
You may need to have a very deep conversation about your relationship.
Keep your boundaries firm.
With everybody!
Good luck.