Boundaries in life as well as relationships are very important. What are your rules for others? What are you unwilling to do for them?
Redditor meliama and her new boyfriend are having an issue as their boundaries clash. She has rules for her car, and he feels like they’re too restrictive.
The original poster (OP) isn’t sure if she’s going too far with her rules. To get an outsider’s perspective, she asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about it.
Are her rules too much?
“AITA for having rules about borrowing my car – even with my boyfriend?”
“Some are stricter like a speed monitoring app, and no drinking at all.”
The couple’s fight is laid out pretty clearly.
“I have a car that’s my dream car, it’s a little 2 seater sports car. It’s something I am very proud of and take immaculate care of, I saved up for years to buy it in cash and it’s my first big purchase in my life.”
“I have a few rules for driving it, if a friend borrows or drives. And I hold myself to those rules too.”
“No drinking before driving. Not even 1 beer.”
“No weed or other drugs before driving.”
“Drive safe… I have a dashcam that also logs speed, g-forces and hard acceleration and braking and shares that data with a phone app, sending an alert if limits are exceeded. No speeding or agressive driving.”
“I mostly got this app for myself, to keep myself accountable and safe, not to monitor others. But if I lent someone my car and the app was blowing up with alerts, I’d be taking it back.”
“No driving off of paved roads since the car is very low.”
“No leaving the car parked illegally.”
“You need to have a full driver’s license, not learning permit.”
“I don’t think that’s unreasonable; I hold myself to those same standards when I drive my own car. And I’ve sometimes lent my car ro friends or let them drive on weekend trips together and all of them have been fine with my requests and treat the car with a lot of care.”
“Anyway I started dating a guy this year, and usually I’d just drive us. But recently we moved in together and his car broke down and was overdue for the junkyard.”
“He wanted to use my car sometimes, and I said sure but I reminded him of the car rules.”
The boyfriend didn’t consider that the rules would still apply.
“He thought that was too much to ask, he let me drive his car without that kind of rules.”
“I wanted to just be sure my car was handled well, and he got frustrated with me because he felt that having his driving monitored, like he was a learner, by me seeing his speed and acceleration / braking on my phone was condescending.”
“And that some of the things I asked like not using the car after any amount of alcohol is unreasonable, it’s normal to have a single drink or even two spaced out with a big dinner and be safe to drive.”
“I said I feel like that’s not something I want in my car because it’s easy to get drunker than you intend if someone makes you an overly stiff drink or you don’t eat enough, or you lose count. So I prefer no drinking at all..”
“And the speed / agressive driving app is mainly something I want for myself, I’m not trying to nanny him or anyone else. Not to say I wouldn’t take the car back if I ever saw someone I’d trusted with it was driving like a loony.”
“He said that I was being way too uptight and I got frustrated and said he could borrow a car from someone who is less uptight then because this is who I am and that’s not changing.”
“He said I was being really unhelpful and that we are a couple, meant to trust each other.”
“I said that I just wanted to be able to trust him to treat my car with the same respect all my friends are able to agree to. He said he wanted to be trusted without being monitored like a teenager with a helicopter parent.”
Reddit users judged OP by responding with one of the following in their comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Commenters agreed that OP’s rules weren’t anything too strict. Most seemed pretty reasonable.
If OP’s boyfriend couldn’t follow basic things like “no speeding” and “no drinking” OP wasn’t the one at fault.
“NTA. If he won’t treat your car with respect what else won’t he treat with respect. It’s a simple rule and he seems defensive about it so maybe he’s a reckless driver.” – cookie_monster_911
“It’s also concerning that he won’t give up drinking (even a small amount) before driving even as a temporary measure (I’m assuming he’s planning to replace his car).” – Ok-Statistician233
As a matter of fact, many commenters couldn’t understand the boyfriend’s refusal to follow the “no drinking” rule. Some cultures and communities might be a little laxer on having a single drink before driving, but it’s very prudent to follow this advice.
Does he plan to drink and drive?
“NTA He thinks it’s UNREASONABLE for you not to ask him to drive your car after drinking? Brah run as fast as you can in the other direction” – Infamous-Copy6244
“I think a lot of people here are comfortable having a glass of wine or beer when going to dinner with friends or to an event (something we do a lot) and then driving later. Because with food it doesn’t get you over the limit.”
“I personally don’t because I don’t want to risk having a too-strong drink that hits me too hard, or get carried away and go down the slippery slope of … One more wouldn’t hurt?”
“So I just have a full no-go rule. Which I think he finds unreasonable because he feels what he likes to drink socially wouldn’t come near putting him over the legal limit.”
“I think that’s true, he’s a big guy and I’m a very small lady so he has a higher tolerance. But I still prefer to have my car driven by people who are totally sober – even if my personal limit is lower than the legal BAC limit” – meliama (OP)
“That’s 1000000% reasonable. He’s being crazy saying it’s unreasonable.” – Infamous-Copy6244
The most anyone thought was too much was the speed recording device, but OP’s explanation that it’s mostly for her and she would only react if the speeding were excessive settled the matter for a lot of commenters.
“NAH, your car your rules. I get his points though about monitoring driving habits, I wouldn’t want that personally.”
“Anyway, I get that you’re proud of this car, but don’t you have insurance? Here all risk is common so basically anything is covered even own fault.”
“Another thing regarding insurance, check who is allowed to drive it in the policy.”
“Coming back on those driving monitors, isn’t it a sports car? I mean I would definitely speed (safely) in it, otherwise I would’ve bought a normal car. And the same for accelerating fast?”
“Are you having fun in this car?” – RIPHaters
It’s safe to say, few if any commenters thought OP was wrong. Beyond “her car, her rules” OP’s requirements weren’t anything excessive.
If her boyfriend can’t follow them, maybe it’s for the best he ask someone else to borrow their car.