Content Warning: Child Neglect, Trauma Response, Domestic Abuse, Child Protective Services (CPS)
As much as we might like to imagine the good in the world, the truth is that not everyone has a good home life.
The even worse truth is that, as much as we might like to be, we’re not always going to be the right person to help them with their situation, empathized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor flowergirltherapy knew that her half-siblings were in a difficult home situation and helped out in any way that she could.
But when her youngest sister became violent with her over becoming engaged to her partner, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for banning my five-year-old sister from my wedding unless she gets therapy before the wedding?”
The OP tried to help her half-siblings as much as she could.
“I just want to start off by saying I (24 Female) love my baby sister more than anything in the world. I drive a three-row car because it was able to fit her and my other siblings (9 Female and 7 Male) and some of their friends.”
“They are my half-siblings, as we all have the same dad but a different mom.”
“Their mom is not interested in being with them unless she can get an Instagram photo out of it, and our dad has never been involved. When they are at home, my nine-year-old sister is responsible for them.”
“My fiancé and I watch the kids after school every day, and they spend the night with us two to four days a week. My fiancé is great with the kids and they adore him.”
The situation worsened when the OP’s fiancé proposed to her.
“My fiancé proposed six months ago, and when we told the kids, the older two were excited but Evie, the five-year-old, was furious. She started crying and hitting me because she wanted to marry him, and if I marry him, she can’t.”
“She refused to speak to me for almost a week, and now she’s mostly okay, but she gets mad at me and starts crying and hurting me any time she sees me kiss him.”
“Every time I kiss him or we sit too close together on the couch or he sits next to me at a restaurant, she will hit me, kick me, punch me, bite me hard enough to draw blood, and pull my hair out (often with hair being pulled out or snapped). This has been going on for six months.”
“It’s gotten to a point that my fiancé has suggested that we stop watching her for my safety.”
“Whenever she throws one of these tantrums, we give her a timeout, sometimes we take toys away, and my fiancé stops playing with her, and when she asks why, he says that he doesn’t like playing with people who hit other people. If she throws a tantrum when we are out in public, we take her home instead.”
“There’s nothing else that we can do, because we are not their legal guardians. We will not hit them, but we also cannot do anything else, like seek therapy for her.”
The OP wasn’t sure it was safe to involve her five-year-old sister in the wedding anymore.
“She was supposed to be our flower girl, but I really don’t think she’ll be able to sit through the wedding without some kind of outburst or trying to hurt me at the altar.”
“I called our dad, told him about all of this, and said that she won’t be allowed to attend the wedding unless she starts seeing a therapist before the wedding. The wedding is in September so he has a couple of months to get her in therapy.”
“He’s saying she doesn’t need therapy and that she’s just a 5-year-old with a crush on my fiancé. He says that I’m overreacting, and that she won’t forgive me if I exclude her from the wedding.”
“AITAH for banning her unless he gets her therapy?”
The OP shared another post the next day, highlighting Evie’s treatment of her.
“My dad dropped the kids off last night, and while I was giving the youngest a bath, I started to get dizzy and nauseous, so I called my fiance to get her out of the bath and into bed.”
“He got her out of the bath and gave her a towel to dry off, and then he focused on me to make sure I was okay.”
“That set her off, so she started her hitting, kicking, and pushing, and when my fiancé let go of me to grab her to stop her, she pushed me over, and I cracked my head on the edge of the bathtub.”
“It was a mess. My fiance called 911 on his phone while using mine to call my dad to get the kids.”
“I hurt my head and neck and will be in the hospital for the next few days. They want to monitor me for a concussion and try to figure out why I got dizzy in the first place.”
The OP’s fiancé came up with an ultimatum of his own.
“When my dad picked the kids up, my fiancé told him we won’t be watching them anymore unless we become their guardians.”
“We’ve talked before about not taking care of the kids anymore, mostly my youngest sister, because of how she’s reacting, but I also know how neglected they are at home, and in my own childhood, I spent time in the foster care system, and I refuse to put them through that h**l.”
“We would be willing to become their legal guardians, but we know we wouldn’t be eligible because we live in a two-bedroom apartment. We were looking into buying a two- or three-bedroom house or condo, but his mom thought that a four- or five-bedroom house in a good school district would be better in the long run, so we wouldn’t have to move when it’s time to start growing our family.”
“Those houses were out of our budget, so as our wedding present, she is helping us get a bigger house. That would be big enough for us to be eligible to take my siblings in, and maybe we can have children of our own one day in the future, too.”
“For now, the kids are back at my dad’s house indefinitely, and we’re going to get my nine-year-old sister a phone, so she can keep us updated and ask for help when and if she needs it.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that her five-year-old sister needed therapy, and perhaps more.
“While I do think it is risky for you and your fiancé to become their guardians, I think it could also help. There’s obviously something going on at home and it could be more extensive than what you said in a comment so taking them out of that environment could help with her anger/animosity towards you and your fiancé.”
“The best course of action is to prioritize your health and safety first then possibly call CPS so they could intervene and hopefully allow you and your fiancé to become their guardians and get the kids the therapy they need.”
“Also, the youngest might not have an actual crush on your fiancé and might see him more as a father figure and is scared that once you get married he won’t be there for her anymore or knows kids might be a possibility and doesn’t want to be ‘replaced.'”
“It’s pretty clear to me that she has attachment trauma, and a stable environment is what she needs. But this needs to be explored more to decide if you’re the right environment for her.” – Eternalconstellation
“The sister is five, she is not malicious, she has a s**tty home life and is scared she will lose the only people who actually care about her, and she is acting out.”
“OP can’t get her the help she needs because the parents are blocking it. I love that the two of them are advocating for these kids, even if it’s going to be hard.” – IndividualDevice9621
“Based on your information, I’d say there is absolutely a severe case of neglect at minimum happening at home. You’ve said the parents aren’t involved. This is neglect and abuse whether you think it is or not.”
“Dad doesn’t want to take the kid to therapy because they’re mandated reporters, and this will likely result in CPS being involved. Despite your avoidance of this, it’s likely best case scenario. CPS needs to be involved, especially now that she has cracked your head open.”
“This is dangerous and I hope you’re taking it as seriously as you should. You not babysitting them anymore is not punishment enough for their parents and it only puts the children in a more dangerous situation.”
“Call CPS. Now.” – Iamourdemavieee
“I think there’s something going on at her parents’ home that is making her act out. She feels safe enough with you to act out.”
“I hope you’re okay.”
“She definitely needs therapy. Something more than what we know is going on.”
“Please keep us updated. And put yourself first. If she’s getting this violent, she needs to be seen. My guess is she sees your husband as the only safe adult male in her life. My guess is your father is not a safe male to her. Why that is I do not know and I’m not going to speculate.”
“Please take care of yourself and your whole family.” – ElehcarTheFirst
“This child needs way more than therapy so she won’t act out at a wedding. All these children need parents who don’t neglect them, and that can’t be improvised through you no matter how much you love them and want to help.”
“Do you have the authority to authorize medical treatment in an emergency when they’re with you? If they get hurt on your property, or if a drunk driver runs into your van, who will their mother blame?”
“If their parents are their legal guardians and have no interest in them and they’re essentially living with you, is anyone even taking care of their medical needs? Are they getting to school when with their parents? Do they have any friends or go to any appropriate activities for children their ages?”
“Are they enrolled in any activities their parents/legal guardians would need to give permission for first? You can’t rebuild a normal childhood and none of this is normal.”
“You can try to get them all help going forward, and in many US states their teachers/physicians (if they’re taken there by their parents) would be mandatory reporters if they knew this information about their legal guardians’ leaving them essentially living with you when you’re not their legal guardians and apparently couldn’t even make medical decisions for them in an emergency.”
“In my opinion, you’re describing neglect and those kids need protection in every way. When this parental neglect by BOTH parents is happening at five, what do you think she’ll be at risk for as a pre-teen and teen with a ‘mother’ without interest in her as a toddler? And what do you think her siblings are going through instead of acting out at others?”
“Note that you have no authority to get her emotional support/therapy and have to rely on her legal guardian. Those children need their own legal advocates with only their interests in mind. Your father couldn’t be clearer that his only interest is pacifying his wife and is therefore at least equally neglectful.”
“These kids all need objective outside evaluation by people qualified to help them. It’s not a wedding problem, and if it were, a bandaid on that situation won’t help any of these kids.”
“NTA. But get each one of these kids outside qualified help.” – Fair-Ninja-8070
As kind as it was, others urged the OP and her fiancé to reconsider their guardianship.
“Do you really want to be their guardians, though? Does your fiancé?” – Motor-Juggernaut1009
“This is not at all safe for you even if you love those kids. You need to put yourself and your fiance first. Esp if as suggested she may make claims against him out of anger and ruin both your lives.” – CritterAlleyMom
“CPS needs to be involved if your dad is neglecting your younger siblings. It needs to be assessed whether living with you full time will be safe or appropriate for five-year-old, who could have killed you.”
“You’re in the hospital for DAYS. Are you going to be suffering long-term consequences from your injury? Head injuries can manifest new symptoms weeks, even months after they happen. Are you even in a fit state to care for the kids, let alone one that’s this violent?”
“What if she gets hold of a knife? If the child doesn’t respect you, how are you supposed to manage her? It would be unfair for your fiance to manage five-year-old on your behalf while dealing with her obsession.”
“What’s more, it could very easily turn into a very dangerous situation for your partner if your little sister declares in public how she wants to marry him/be the only one to kiss him and displays such hostility towards you; it wouldn’t take much for people to assume your fiance is grooming her because this behavior is both consistent and extreme.”
“Also, is HE ok? He just saw the love of his life get hospitalized by this kid, is he even comfortable being around her at this point, is he resenting her? Is he afraid to tell you because of how enmeshed you are with your siblings?”
“Realistically, is becoming a five-year-old’s and siblings’ full-time guardian safe for you all? Because the other kids have to endure this alarming obsession and the aftermath as well. It’s not healthy for anyone.”
“Are you in therapy yourself? Do you have issues from your childhood that need to be addressed that could explain why you’re rushing into being so involved in these kids’ lives? (I’m not saying you’re wrong to want to be involved nor that your worry isn’t justified, especially if there’s neglect happening, but if you’re not in a stable safe mental space then you’re at risk of spiraling which won’t be good for anyone).”
“Hope you recover soon.” – I_wanna_be_anemone
“If you and your fiancé become their guardians, you’re crazy. She literally almost killed you and she’s five, imagine the obsession that will develop if she lives with you and what she will do about it by the time she’s 10. Save yourself!” – Substantial-Sir-9947
“I understand that you’ve had a history with foster care and are apprehensive about calling CPS. I saw your comments in your first post that basically the kids are with you most of the time. If you do end up wanting guardianship (which gives you more legal rights) then CPS will most likely help you. There is a big push to keep children with their biological family members.”
“If you wait, knowing that these kids are being abused, it will make it harder to get custody, assuming that’s what you want after all this with your five-year-old sibling. They will call you on not reporting sooner. Plus, something could happen to them in the meantime.” – Bigjoeyjoe81
Not only was the subReddit deeply concerned about what was going on in the children’s home and how the five-year-old was treating the OP, but they were also especially concerned with the OP introducing the idea of full-time guardianship.
If she was worried about her sister being exposed to her getting married by simply attending the wedding, as a flower girl or not, it hardly made sense to expose her to the idea full-time at home.
Perhaps it could be a possibility in the future, but while the little sister was processing all of these changes, perhaps less exposure would be better.