Though the event itself is meant to commemorate a joyous milestone and life-long commitment to love, weddings can be stressful for everyone involved.
Most loved ones want to help out as much as they possibly are able, but everyone has limits to what they can contribute both physically and financially.
So when a Redditor was asked to purchase a wedding dress for their sister not once, but twice, they were baffled when others took the bride's side despite the financial strain it would cause, so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor DaintyDovelet asked:
"AITAH for refusing to pay for my sister's wedding dress after she changed her mind?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister and I have always been close, so when she asked me to pay for her wedding dress, I agreed without hesitation."
"She picked out a stunning dress, and I paid for it upfront as a wedding gift."
"However, a few weeks later, my sister called me in tears."
"She said she had changed her mind about the dress and wanted to return it, but the store's policy didn't allow refunds on custom orders."
"She asked me to cover the cost since I paid for it."
"I sympathized with her situation but explained that I couldn't afford to pay for another dress."
"She became upset, accusing me of ruining her wedding plans."
"Now our family is divided, with some saying I should have helped her out and others agreeing that it wasn't my responsibility."
"So, Reddit, AITAH?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation, and most declared OP was not the a**hole (NTA), many acknowledging that buying the initial dress in the first place was more than generous.
"No, you're not the a**hole for refusing to pay for the dress again; you already generously paid for it once as a gift." - GlimmerrGemm
"NTA. You originally agreed to pay for your sister's wedding dress as a gift, and you fulfilled that commitment."
"Her change of mind doesn't negate your gift, especially considering the dress was a custom order with a no-refund policy."
"It's unfortunate she's upset, but your financial boundaries are reasonable and should be respected." - lovelylisa021
"Wow. You gave a generous gift."
"And now she expects you to give another gift because she - picked a dress, but then changed her mind?"
"She picked it - and she changed her mind. This is 100% on her."
"I'd take the dress and resell it online - someone would be glad to have it." - sjyffl
"NTA - Wedding dresses are expensive and you were more than generous to pay for the first one. You are not obligated to pay for a second one for your entitled sister." - MamasSweetPickels
"NTA. A gift doesn't come with strings attached for every change of heart."
"The initial gesture was incredibly generous on your part. Having to bankroll a change of taste is simply not part of the deal."
"Wedding planning stress can sometimes cloud judgment, but it does not necessitate additional financial support for every new decision."
"Stick to your plan and let the bridal party know that while you're sorry she's upset, your gift has already been given."
"If they're so concerned, then maybe they can organize an effort to cover the new dress." - HazelMitchell29
Others suggested those giving OP a hard time about the situation could fork over a little to cover the cost.
"NTA"
"Tell her to sell the original dress on eBay and whatever she makes, she gets that money towards the new dress."
"Any shortfall can be met by the guys who are calling you out." - RaddishSlaw
"Tell the people who said you should have helped her out: it's easy to offer someone else's money."
"If you think it's important that we help, how much are you willing to pitch in since I already paid for a whole dress?"
"Guess what? That will immediately shut them up."
"NTA" - ExtendedSpikeProtein
"NTA"
"It was incredibly generous of you to have paid for her wedding dress."
"And she does, in fact, have a wedding dress you paid for."
"If she would like to have a SECOND wedding dress, then that's all her."
"If anyone tries to get you to pay for it, then tell them THEY are welcome to buy her a second wedding dress, but you are no able to pull the funds together for another such expense."
"Stand your ground."
"Your sister is wild for suggesting you buy her ANOTHER dress."
"She needs to put in the work to sell the one she has to fund a second one." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"NTA."
"Tell your family to refund you the exact amount, and then you can buy her the new dress she wants."
"Problem solved. 😁" - Alfred-Register7379
"You have paid for and given your gift, the one SHE wanted."
"You did not ruin her wedding. She ruined it herself by picking the wrong dress."
"Anyone saying you should pay for it tell them that they are more than welcome to pay for it themselves." - RandomSupDevGuy
"Your sister's an arsehole."
"Thank anyone saying you should pay for another wedding dress, they just volunteered to do it themselves." - Opposite-Fortune-
"The family that thinks she is in the right can chip in to cover the cost." - Bookworm1008
"NTA. Those family members are welcome to pay for it themselves." - Double_Jeweler7569
"NTA. Your sister seems awfully comfortable with spending someone else's money."
"The family members on her side, probably also feel entitled to other people's money."
"At least now you know that about them."
"Tell them they should pay for it, it's just helping her out.'" - MamaNyxieUnderfoot
Several also believe OP's sister is being quite unreasonable - and dramatic - in her demand.
"Your sister sucks....you spent so much on one dress already and she doesn't even want to wear what you bought her the first time around....my response back would honestly be:"
"Buy it yourself....you ungrateful b*tch" - Dieing_Breed
"Her wedding plans were fine with the original dress."
"Nothing is wrong about the original dress. Only she saw another one."
"That does not mean the first dress is suddenly changed to something unacceptable."
"It is still the same dress that was perfect two weeks ago."
"She can change her dress twice every day if she pays for it."
"But this is a stupid whim, and how can you 'ruin' her wedding with a perfectly perfect dress?" - RedditredRabbit
"NTA. Has your sister always been this entitled?" - Turbulent_Ebb5669
"NTA, what the hell?"
"What if she changes her mind again... you're on the bill every time?"
"Not like wedding dresses are cheap, either." - BigGingerYeti
"I'm sorry but if your family is divided over paying for a wedding dress they all need to go into the real world and see what is happening in real life."
"It's a dress. That will get worn once. "
"Honestly." - BadgeringforHoney
"Nta. You did pay for a dress."
"I'm pretty sure at the store the bride-to-be said yes."
"If you could have returned and gotten a refund, that's a whole different situation."
"However, you have upheld your obligation, and you should not pay for the second dress."
"I wouldn't be surprised if you end up not being invited." - Devi1doc
"NTA She asked you to pay for her wedding dress, you did so."
"If she wants a second one, that's her choice, not your responsibility."
"Tell her to sell first one then use that money to help pay for second but you're not helping."
"Why was she still looking if she already made the choice?" - wlfwrtr
"NTA."
"It isn't your fault she changed her mind."
"Ultimately, it's the bridal shop's "fault" for having the no return on customs policy 🤷🏾"
"You couldn't have ruined her plans because you had no idea she'd want a different dress." - SpoilGoddessRo
"NTA. Your sister is greedy & entitled — if your parents support her obnoxious, ridiculous request they are 50% of an ugly problem."
"Maintain your dignity — no more gifts or favors, period, until she becomes a grateful, mature adult."
"It will be a long wait." - bumbalarie
"NTA sister is just being delusional."
"My younger sister is my best friend and I am making her wedding dress and paid for all the material as one of my wedding gifts to her."
"We have had to make changes throughout the process but those don't cost anything but time, and on top of all that we have not involved anyone else in the process, so if we have any disagreements there aren't any 'flying monkeys' getting up in our business." - Auntie_FiFi
"The audacity of your sister to even think that, let alone ask you to do a generous thing…twice."
"Wtaf. You're nta."
"Your sister is though. 🤦♀️" - Mommywithnotime
"Why TF would you ever, in a million years, be on the hook for TWO wedding dresses for your sister?!?!"
"Her entitlement and anger over your refusal to pony up for the second - AND the negative judgment of some family members - would seriously make me go NC with them."
"Your sister's reaction is borderline unforgivable."
"She's rude and ungrateful as hell - and a b*tch" - Feisty-Business-8311
According to fellow Redditors, OP had every right to deny their sister's request for a new dress.
Unfortunately for the OP, however, it sounds like they still have a tough conversation and a quickly approaching wedding to get through.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp