When someone is getting married, the general hope is that all of their loved ones and family will be able to attend.
But that isn’t possible when a loved one turns out to be hateful, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRAsisterswed knew that her sister was estranged from their brother because of a variety of terrible things that he had done in the past, and she respected the fact that her sister did not want to invite him to her upcoming wedding.
But when their parents fought for him to attend anyway, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to set the record straight with their parents.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my parents they deserved to be kicked out of my sister’s wedding?”
The OP and her sister did not have a good relationship with their brother, Mike.
“My (37 Female) brother, Mike (35 Male), is a jerk. Always has been and always will be. He has been babied to the point of uselessness by our mum and dad, and that’s made him an entitled slob.”
“When he was younger, he showed promise playing Rugby which had my mum and dad believing he was gonna be a superstar. The problem was, though, that he never had the work ethic to fully fulfill his potential. However, this meant that he was the golden boy of the family, and he could do wrong in my parents’ eyes.”
“He was a bully at school, which they brushed off as other kids making up lies, but he was an even bigger bully at home to our younger sister Kelly (31 Female). He would constantly ‘prank’ her.”
“Which basically meant he would do anything he could to embarrass her, including things like pulling her dress up in front of the whole family at a wedding when she was 15. Mum and Dad just said it was siblings being siblings, but the rest of the family were mortified by his behavior.”
“I did try and stick up for my sister, and it worked to a certain extent, but after I went away to Uni, there wasn’t much I could do as mum and dad just don’t listen to anyone.”
The OP’s sister did whatever she could to distance herself from Mike.
“It got so bad that when she was 18, my sister gave up going to her dream University, St Andrews, and instead moved to London to go to the Imperial College London.”
“This was a huge shock to all of us as she had been talking about St Andrews since she started high school at 11. When I asked why, she said that St Andrews was too close to home and she would be expected to go back home more often, but if she went to London, she would only have to go home for Christmas. This broke my heart.”
“After she left, she did exactly that; the only time she was home was Christmas and when I got married. This really annoyed Mum and Dad as they said she was abandoning the family.”
“I kept my mouth shut and just let them whine occasionally as I didn’t want an argument.”
“After graduating from Uni, my parents expected her to move back home, but she didn’t. She got a job working in southern England and stayed down there. We are from Scotland for reference.”
Then Kelly met an amazing guy who seemed like he could be “the one.”
“Six years ago, Kelly met a great guy, Jake (30 Male). The day she met him, she called me, gushing about him, and I’ve honestly never heard her speak about anyone the way she does him.”
“I’ve met him several times when I’ve gone down to visit Kelly, and he’s great. Good looking, funny, great job, his family is lovely, and most importantly, he treats Kelly like she hung the moon. It’s very cute.”
“After she met him, she cut down how much she came home even more as she spent the first Christmas with his family, and then the pandemic happened, so she ended up not coming home for three years.”
“Her first Christmas home, Mike started his usual bulls**t, trying to be the center of attention. When it didn’t work out as well as he wanted, as most of the family were more interested in getting to know Jake, he then tried to ‘prank’ Kelly.”
“He got a big bowl of water and was going to pour it over her. Jake saw what was happening and stepped in front of Kelly, telling Mike not to even think about it. Side note, Jake is six-foot, three inches, and has been doing martial arts since he was four, so he can be very intimidating when needed.”
“Mum and Dad tried to play it off as a harmless prank, but Jake was having none of it. Mike started whining about it just being a prank, and Jake told him that if he ‘pranked’ Kelly one more time, he would ‘prank’ Jake by putting his foot up his a** and his fist down his throat. Kelly and Jake left about an hour later, but after that, Mike, Mum, and Dad all had an issue with Jake. Kelly hasn’t been back home since.”
When Kelly was going to get married, she did not want Mike to attend.
“That leads us to now; Kelly and Jake are getting married. They sent out invites in February for August.”
“However, they didn’t invite Mike.”
“Mum and Dad are obviously incensed by this and had a huge argument with Kelly. They threatened not to go, and Kelly just said no problem and that she would get Grandad to walk her down the aisle.”
The OP stood up for her sister’s decision.
“I went around to their house on Saturday with my kids. Immediately, my mum started complaining about Kelly and the wedding. I sat and listened for a while before I had had enough.”
“I asked her what did she actually expect? She and Dad have allowed Mike to be the golden child and get away with everything. Because of that, he can’t keep a relationship, due to his thinking everyone should do everything for him, he can’t hold down a job because every job is beneath him, and he still living at home with zero prospects in life.”
“The man-child is a bully who I don’t trust to be around my children unsupervised. He bullied Kelly for most of her teen years, and her only escape was to move over 400 miles away and never come home.”
“My mum got very quiet and then asked me to leave. A few hours later, my dad called, going mad because I’d upset my mum and was taking the side of an ungrateful little girl instead of my parents, who gave me everything.”
“This started a huge argument between me and him where I told him he’d been a crap dad to Kelly and didn’t deserve to walk her down the aisle.”
“I’ve just had enough, but now I’ve got extended family members telling me I’ve gone too far as my mum is bearly speaking to anyone and keeps crying. My grandad said it was about time I told them off, but my grandma is upset by all the arguing.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the parents had some hard truths to face ahead of them.
“The chickens have come home to roost. NTA.”
“Although the really sad thing about this is that OP’s stubborn, inept mother, having finally seen the truth about her bad parenting and destructive favoritism, is probably more concerned how she failed Mike, who is now worthless and unloveable, and by everyone’s low opinion of her, than she is about how she mistreated her daughter all those years.”
“Otherwise, she’d be asking her daughter for forgiveness.” – Curious-One4595
“Not entirely sure of exact ages, but given that Mike is 35 and this incident happened less than six years ago (after Kelly met Jake), why is a 30-something-year-old doing something as immature and low as pouring water on someone else? I haven’t done anything like this since high school.”
“Looks like all this babying from mom and dad caused Mike to never mature beyond childhood.” – standcam
“Your granddad sounds like an A++ guy. Your parents and your ape of a brother deserve each other, just stick to the family that treats other human beings with respect.”
“I’m sorry for your grandma, and I’m sure she’s lovely, but if ‘keeping the peace’ hinges on someone getting persistently abused while her parents laugh at it, then the peace is not worth keeping.”
“Your mom is upset because the truth hurts, and maybe some of it soaked in, finally. It’s a bit too late though.” – Western_Fuzzy
“Honestly, it’s about time the whole family gets to know the real extent of Mike’s bullying and how Mom’s enabling has led to him being a failure. She needed to hear the truth, frankly, someone should have told her that harsh truth many, many years ago before Mike grew up.”
“Does she think Mike will take care of them in their old age? Because I’m sure OP and Kelly won’t.”
“Grandma saw this happening for years and didn’t tell your mom the truth either. So she should shut up. The rest of the family was mortified once, but of course no one actually did anything.”
“This fighting is happening because OP’s parents refused to parent their son. It’s on them. You can’t expect the victim of a bully to invite their bully to their wedding.”
“It’s time to thoroughly air the dirty laundry and if you can go NC with your parents and keep in regular contact with Kelly. Tell any extended family they shouldn’t be upset at the victims of Mike bullying, but at the bully. Frankly, even more so at the bully’s parents, who never taught him how to behave properly.”
“The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” – Mera1506
Others felt it was time to fill the wedding invitations.
“Encourage Kelly to just pull their invites full stop. She doesn’t deserve their negativity at her wedding, and she’ll have a better time without them/worrying they might turn up.”
“The rest of the family complaining can shove it. Staying silent is how things go from bad to worse.” – Busy-Persimmon-748
“NTA. If they can’t stand the truth, they need to hibernate. I vote grandpa walks her down the aisle regardless of who attends!” – Accomplsihed-Emu-591
“NTA. Your parents have their heads so far up their arses that they can’t or won’t see how their blatant favoritism has affected you and Kelly. Good on your sister for standing her ground.”
“Your parents won’t change, and that’s on them. Someone should tell your mum to stop playing the victim, as she has no leg to stand on. Same for your father.”
“They made their beds, and now they can lie in them.” – WoodlandElf90
“NTA. Your sister clearly picked a great husband-to-be, though. Maybe you should join his family for future celebrations and leave those three to their own devices?” – Hel3nO27
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“Today, I decided to sit down with my parents and tell them I needed a break from them. When I got there, my dad immediately wanted me to apologize to my mum, but I said that wasn’t going to happen.”
“There was a bit of back and forth between him and me until my mum stepped in and asked why I was there if not to apologize. I told them that I’d spoken to Kelly and she didn’t want them at the wedding at all. They needed to stay away and respect her decision. They weren’t happy but said they wouldn’t go where they weren’t wanted.”
“I then told them I wanted space until after the wedding, as I couldn’t keep being around them and keeping my mouth shut. I thought that space would be good for all of us.”
“My mum wasn’t happy and started on about seeing my kids. I told them the truth; my kids hated coming to their house and I told my dad exactly why my son didn’t want to be around him. He got upset by this and said that rugby would be good for him. I shut that down and said I’m not going to force my son to do something he doesn’t want to do and something I know he will hate.”
“I also told him that if I hear him mention it around my son again, then he won’t see my son again. Right now they will only be seeing my kids at family events, so I’m hoping that it won’t be a problem.”
“I then asked them what their long-term plan was with Mike. Are they going to keep things the way they are until they’re 90 and mum will still be making all his meals? What happens when they’re gone, who will look after him because it won’t be me?”
“What happens if they get ill? Who will look after them? Mike is incapable, Kelly lives down south, and I plan on moving back to my husband’s hometown three hours away once the kids have left home, so I can’t do it.”
“They just looked at me blankly. I really don’t think that they had ever even thought about any of that before. I told them they had set Mike up to fail, and now they needed to deal with it. I also told them I knew that they were leaving everything to him in their will, but that with how they have babied Mike, he would blow through that money in less than a year, and then what?”
“I could see the panic in my mum’s eyes when I said that. She either hadn’t thought about it or she thought I would look after him, which she now knows isn’t gonna happen. I also think she was shocked that I knew about their will.”
“After me telling them what low contact with me was going to look like going forward, and them not being happy about it, I left. Hopefully I’ve given them a lot to think about.”
“I will check in with them from time to time, but that’s all right now. I’m going to visit Kelly in the next couple of weeks, so I’m looking forward to that.”
“My extended family has also backed off after I sent them all a text saying if they were so concerned about my mum, then they could be her support system and deal with Mike the same way Kelly and I have had to for years. Not surprisingly, none of them wanted to.”
“Otherwise, I’m going to just try and get on with things as normal. Thanks for the NTA verdict and all the advice, it opened my eyes to a few things that I’d been brushing off.”
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP in light of her update.
“It’s not lost on me that your dad’s first words were to demand an apology.”
“And that they whined about not seeing the grandchildren, who probably noticed the dynamics of that family and want nothing to do with them. (You might want to ask your daughter what she means when she says Mike is a ‘weirdo.’)”
“I’m glad you gave them some hard truths about just how badly they’ve failed their son. And why would you have anything to do with the parents who are going to leave everything to the useless manchild they’ve raised? I’m also glad you told your extended family to back off.”
“I hope Kelly has a lovely wedding and a happy life and that you two can be each other’s support system since you certainly can’t rely on your parents.” – DaniCapsFan
“My favorite part about this is the panic in your mom’s eyes when you told her you’re not babysitting a whole a** man child after she dies.”
“Deep down she knows her son is an irresponsible chucklef*ck and will absolutely blow through their hard work in a matter of months. No amount of money or safety net is going to keep that asshole from booting himself in his own face because they’ve never held him accountable for anything.” – andronicuspark
“What a great update. Good for you on making things crystal clear for your parents. They now have choices to make to avoid the logical consequences of coddling your brother… or they won’t.”
“In either case, you’re rid of them until (if?) they ever figure things out and make things right. However, if they don’t, not your circus… leave them on no contact or low contact.” – Sufficient-Lie1406
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing up for her sister and for setting the record straight with their parents, who clearly had never considered the environment they’d created for their children.
If the family wants to have a future relationship with the OP and the bride, they would need to make some significant changes.