Not all of us were blessed with incredible relationships with our parents and extended families, but those of us who were would argue moments with those loved ones are irreplaceable.
So much so, they might become desperate to find a way to have their loved ones at their special events, like weddings and graduations, even after they've passed, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Coffeetablecat and her younger sister had lost their mother, and she knew her sister was struggling with the fact that their mother would not be at their upcoming wedding.
But when she began to feel like her sister was sabotaging her own wedding memories for the sake of her own, the Original Poster (OP) felt the need to speak up.
She asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) for telling my little sister she can't remove me from my wedding photo and photoshop herself into my place?"
The OP had a beautiful photo of her mom taken at her wedding.
"My little sister (28 Female) is recently engaged. I (30 Female) got married about six years ago (I've since divorced and am engaged again)."
"Our mom died five years ago, shortly after my wedding."
"At my wedding six years ago, the photographer took a photo of my mom fastening a necklace around my neck."
The OP's sister wanted to recreate the photo but in an unusual way.
"My little sister has told multiple people that when she gets married, she plans to hire someone with graphic design skills to remove me from that photo and photoshop herself in my place."
"So far, I've said nothing, but I've always felt hurt by that idea and now that she is actually planning a wedding, I am wondering if I should put my foot down. At the same time, I don't want to add to her pain, either."
The OP had done what she could to support her sister after their mother's death.
"I want to provide some background on how I've been prioritizing her feelings/wants leading up to this point:"
"Very shortly after our mom died, all my sisters (including my older married sisters) expressed that they wanted our mom's engagement ring. As my little sister didn't get to have our mom at her wedding and the rest of us did get that experience, I urged my dad to hang on to our mom's engagement ring for our little sister for when she eventually were to get engaged."
"Ultimately, I was successful in advocating for her to inherit our mom's ring. Once engaged, she decided to reset the ring so the only part of it that remains is the central diamond. It is a completely different design now and is unrecognizable. We are all a bit miffed by that but what's done is done."
"Next, we both wanted to use our mom's wedding dress in our upcoming weddings, but she plans to alter it beyond recognition as it was a long-sleeve, A-line dress and she wants a strapless, mermaid-style dress. I proposed that we each wear it but not make significant alterations, but she brought up, 'I'm the only one who didn't get to have mom at her wedding,' and I do feel for her, so I dropped my bid to wear the dress.
But the OP felt the need to draw the line at the photograph of her mother.
"At this point, I feel inclined to draw the line at removing me from my own photo with my mom. Yes, I did get to have my mom at my [first] wedding. I won't have her at my wedding to the person I'll be spending the rest of my life with, so I'm feeling some sadness there, too."
"If someone is going to be photoshopping someone out of that picture, I feel it should be me photoshopping my 24-year-old self out for my 31-year-old self. She also has tons of photos with our mom she could use for this purpose instead, as well as photos of our mom solo that no one would need to be removed from."
"Obviously, I can't force her to not do as she pleases with the photo, but would I be the a**hole if I tell her I'm not okay with that and that she doesn't have my permission or blessing to remove me from my wedding photo with my mom?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some wondered why the OP was more concerned about the photo than the dress.
"I guess I don't understand the dilemma… Will the original photo with your mom be purged from the earth if she photoshops it?"
"I feel like there's an opportunity for everyone to have their cake and eat it and the only thing preventing that from happening is… the right to make and alter copies… which seems pretty harmless." - Mhunterjr
"The question to actually answer is if your denial is a jerk move. I'd say probably no, it's okay to want something all to ourselves when they are ours to keep."
"Her desire to do so isn't an ah thing either though. It sucks to not have the people you love at the things that you want to share with them and although it's an odd way to try and fill that hole, I get it."
"NAH, her for asking you to decline."
"On the wedding dress I do think you're kind of being one because if it was precious to you you should have worn it on round one." - ktjbug
"I guess I don't understand why this is the hill that you're willing to die on. I would be more upset about her altering the ring and wedding dress."
"You still have that picture with your mom. If she were to have it edited, it's not like that picture is going anywhere. She won't have any pictures with your mom on her wedding day." - klo1994-
"OP, I completely understand the way you are reacting, but I think it is because of the way you (and I the first few times I read this) are thinking about it. She's not removing you from your photo, your photo still exists, she's making a new photo of her and your mom."
"Everyone knows your mom passed away, OP. They will know it's not capturing a real moment. Given that, they will probably also know that the photo was originally from your wedding. In any case, your photo with your mom still exists and you had the moment for real with your mom, that can never be taken away or altered."
"I don't know if it would help, but think of it not being about erasing you, but rather sharing a moment with your mom that you had in real life and she can only imagine." - Even_Budget2078
"Idea. She could have a photo taken of HER on the wedding day, and then get the person to take your mom from your photo and Photoshop it into her photo."
"So basically, the same image of your mom, but different pictures (different backgrounds, etc.) making it more her special photo and leaving you yours." - AffectionateMarch394
Others disagreed and found the OP's sister's behavior to be disrespectful and hurtful.
"OP, you seriously need to set some boundaries with your sister. Normally, I wouldn't say someone is using a parent's death to use in their entitlement parade, but that's exactly what she's doing, and you're so afraid of hurting her feelings that you're letting her, and she knows it." - okamijunin
"THE SISTER WANTS TO STEAL OP'S MOMENT WITH HER MUM. What is so hard to understand about being upset because someone wants to write you out of your own memories and take them for themselves." - Environmental_Art591
"I totally get OP. The material possessions, while sentimental, are things that belonged to OP's mom. This picture isn't just a picture, it's a memory of a moment that OP shared with her mom. It belongs to OP."
"Of course, that picture still exists even when it is altered, but it's like someone else erasing you out of your moment to replace themselves in it, like you were never there in your own core memory: it would break my heart." - Phoebeish_
"NTA. This is strange behavior. If she's hiring an artist anyway, she can have a lovely new photo made, it's weird to photoshop you out of one. It sounds like this is only a symptom of a larger issue though."
"It's time for your sister to put to bed the whole 'I don't get my mom at my wedding' thing; she got the ring to help heal from that particular wound. I'm sure it's hard for her and it's fine to sympathize, but she doesn't get to go around making unauthorized and weird edits to other people's photos, demanding to cut up your mom's dress."
"She was equally both of your mother, as much as your mom's sentimental items can be given equally, they should be. She got the ring, you get the dress. The photo was never hers or your mom's, so it's not on the table for discussion. You gotta set some boundaries OP. She's being an AH and a bit spoiled."
"She really needs to understand that you also lost your mom. You didn't take her mom from her. It's not your fault she won't be at your sister's wedding. It's sad, but not a sin you have to pay for or be guilted for. She doesn't get to rifle through your sentimental moments with your mother because of her own grief."
"None of that is hers to have. She has a right to a fair split of your mother's things, not yours, and you don't owe her anything." - CuriousCuriousAlice
"NTA. Does your sister even hear herself? Or look in the mirror ever?"
"The purpose of a family heirloom like a ring or a dress is to honor the original holder, honor the family, honor the tradition. That means MINIMAL, if any, changes should be made to the thing. It's so disrespectful to me to just completely change something to suit your taste or modern sensibilities when that's not the point or purpose of inheritance. I would bet money your mother is rolling in her grave."
"But putting that aside, it's fu*king dreadful to steal someone else's precious memories (and worse, memories that have been tainted and made bittersweet by death, divorce, tragedy, and heartbreak) to use for your own selfish purposes. Ghastly. Cruel. Narcissistic. Tasteless. I could go on."
"Absolutely NTA. And if she does it, I'd rip that picture right in half."
"OP, your sister's focus is on filling a mom-sized hole at her wedding at the expense of her other family, including you, who are still here. It is sad your mom won't be there, but she is not the only person who cannot make new memories with your mother or go through important milestones with your mother. As tough as it may be for her to hear, she can't just photoshop your mother back into her life."
"Also, I've been to weddings after a bride or groom with older siblings has lost a parent, and there are wonderful ways to honor the parent and show how deeply they are missed without stomping on or erasing other relatives' memories. Especially by doing something as absurd as photoshopping their sibling out of the sibling's old wedding pictures." - Possible-Tutor-1074
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an important update.
"I pulled from the thoughtful suggestions on this thread and called my little sister this afternoon and asked if we could talk about her plans with the photo."
"I asked if instead of switching us out of my wedding photo if she would be open to instead her and I recreating that image at her wedding and then editing our mom into that photo in my place."
"I shared a little about how I feel, that incorporating our mom into her wedding day is something I fully support and understand but that seeing myself removed from that moment with mom at my wedding (and from that hotel room where my dog, who has also since passed, is looking on in the background of the photo), would be painful to look at."
"She said she hadn't thought about that and that she loves the idea of adding our mom into a photo on her wedding day instead of putting herself in my place in that photo from mine. So thank you to those who suggested that, it accomplishes her goal but seems to feel better to us both (plus I'm the same height as our mom while she's a bit taller so using me as a stand-in for our mom might be easier to work with as far as angles for the editor)."
This conversation led to another really important one.
"That led to a general conversation about how we both want to find ways to honor our mom at our upcoming weddings, which led us to the dress topic. She mentioned she's been feeling torn about the dress because she wants to wear it because it was mom's, but she doesn't like the style, and with how costly such significant alterations will be, she's realized that a new dress would cost less."
"So I reiterated my interest in the dress and used an additional idea from this thread to suggest she buy the dress she wants but does some of her bridal portraits in our mom's (unaltered) dress. She seemed to like that idea and said she just wanted to make sure she 'finds her dream dress' before she commits to going that direction."
"She has some appointments scheduled at bridal boutiques this weekend. I'm not going to die on that hill if she decides to go the dress alteration route, so we'll just have to see on that one."
The OP also loved the idea of hiring a portrait artist.
"I really liked the ideas people shared here about commissioning an artist to create a painting including our mom (and several other loved ones we've recently lost; it's been a brutal few years in our family) in a 'wedding photo' for her, so I'm going to figure out something along those lines for a wedding gift."
"Thank you to those of you who shared your perspective (and ideas, which I wasn't expecting!) in a compassionate way. It was very helpful."
After a whirlwind of a situation, the subReddit was relieved to see that the OP and her sister were able to have a productive conversation about her photographs and their mother's wedding dress.
At the end of the day, the two women were grieving the loss of their mother and her presence on their special days, and their ultimate goal was to honor her at their weddings.
It's wonderful to see that they're both several steps closer to being able to do that without hurting anyone's feelings, including their own.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp