We can all agree that a wedding day is supposed to be a good time for everyone involved, but it should definitely be one of the happiest days ever for the happy couple.
But when insecurities come knocking, it can ruin the whole day, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor VanillaUnhappy3958 was so worried about her sister being prettier than her, she was considering not including her sister as one of her bridesmaids to avoid having her show her up.
But when her sister's heart was broken by the idea, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was making the wrong choice.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for Not Making My Sister a Bridesmaid Because of Her Looks?"
The OP felt insecure about her sister's good looks.
"I (25 Female) am a homely-looking girl. There is no other way to say it; I am not hot or even pretty by most people's standards."
"My sister (27 Female), 'Bella,' is one of the most beautiful women who has ever walked this planet. Like, she got stopped on the street and in the mall multiple times while we were growing up for modeling opportunities."
"We have different dads, and I guess she just won the genetic lottery. I was jealous of her as a kid, especially because we were always compared to one another. I'm 5'4, average body, and a slightly below-average face. She's 5'11, thin, and all around just really gorgeous."
"She's also a genuinely great person. She's humble and sweet, and even though she could've made a living off of her looks, she ended up going into social work and now works with kids in foster care."
"She and I are close. We see one another a bit less since she moved to a new city with her husband, but we constantly text and call. I was her maid of honor two years ago at her wedding."
Despite being close, the OP was debating Bella's involvement in her wedding.
"Four months ago, my fiancé (30 Male), Allen, proposed to me and I said yes."
"My family was excited for me and they all like him. He and I have been together for just over two years. Bella and Allen are close as well, and we often have them over for dinner or go to their house for game nights."
"Now to the issue. I thought about it a lot and decided to not have Bella in my bridal party."
"I just wanted one day where we weren't standing side-by-side, being compared. I wanted to be the pretty one standing at the altar on my day."
"I've gotten over my jealousy of her for the most part and accepted myself for how I look and who I am, but the thought of everyone looking at her at my wedding broke my heart."
Bella was hurt by this idea.
"She obviously thought she would be my maid of honor, and so before I asked anyone to be in my bridal party, I went to her house to talk to her."
"I didn't want her to hear through the grapevine or social media that she not only wasn't my maid of honor but also wasn't in my bridal party at all."
"When I went over and told her and explained my reasoning, she started to cry. She didn't get mad at me, but she said it was really hurtful that I'd excluded her because of the way she looks."
"I understand her point. She and I are best friends."
The family was divided on the OP's decision.
"She's been giving me a bit of a cold shoulder since this happened, and my parents (our mom and each of our dads) have called me a major AH for doing this to her, saying she's more upset than she let on but didn't want to taint 'my day' with drama."
"She RSVP'd to the wedding invite, so I know she'll still be coming no matter what, but I feel bad that I have excluded her just because of her looks now."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was wrong to let her insecurities win on her wedding day.
"YTA. I was hoping that the title is misleading and there is something in the post that might somehow justify it, but no. You need to work on your issues."
"No one who is truly your well-wisher would ever compare you. Plus, how do you plan on dealing with the rest of the world? There will always be someone better than us in this world in one area or another. Would you just avoid them?" - allergic_to_kiwi
"You're so lucky to have a supportive, loving sister. Why let your own, unfounded insecurities ruin that relationship?" - loverlyone
"Listen, being a bridesmaid is so much more than pictures. This is the person that will help plan your bridal shower and bachelorette party the way YOU want them. It's the person that will help you select decorations and maybe even help with coordinating them."
"It's the person who will be with you, by your side, as you step into your new chapter with your husband. It's the person who will hold up your dress when you have to sneak off to pee/poop during your reception. It's the person who will love you so much that they'll make sure your dress is laying just right, your flyaways are flattened, and make sure you have a wet wipe when you are at the end of the night and desperately need one."
"Insecurities aside, your sister's feeling aside… YTA to yourself if you don't prioritize relationships over esthetics on a day that is supposed to be about love and relationships. And you'll have to accept the real possibility that this will damage your relationship in the future. Ask yourself honestly which would be worse." - MoMoJangles
"Don't ostracize your sister. She seems to really love and care about you. Why risk messing with the relationship just bc you're worried that she'll steal your thunder? Just be happy to have a kind and supportive sister. She won't forget this and it'll likely bother her for a while."
"Going forward, she could worry that you're always hyper-fixated on how she looks. It could impact the way she dresses or acts around you, as she may actually be insecure about her looks now. No one wants to think that they're upsetting someone due to how they look, whether they're attractive or not. She is who she is." - yumyum_sauce69
"The softest YTA I have ever bestowed."
"At the wedding, you would be 100% be the center of attention. Nobody who cares about the people compares the bride in the way that you fear."
"Now, the question 'What happened between the sisters?' will be front-and-center. I highly recommend you re-evaluate." - RevRagnarock
Others encouraged the OP to try to have the best of both worlds.
"YTA. You say that Allen and Bella get on and you don't seem eaten up with insecurity over their relationship. He asked YOU to marry him, not your sister. Nobody else's opinion matters, surely? Who cares what Auntie Mary's husband's brother thinks?"
"Look at it this way, which is what I did with my much better-looking best friend on my wedding day. Everyone is expecting Bella to look fabulous all the time. There's no surprise in it for anyone who knows you both."
"But you... you're going to be dressed up to the nines, with special make up and hair. You will look very different, and people will notice."
"Don't go for a boring dress, wear something really memorable and different. Choose a muted color for Bella's dress. Smile more brightly than her, because after all it's your special day. And you will shine." - Holiday_Cat_7284
"Your sister sounds like a great person. You are lucky to have a friend like her. Just like the other people wrote, wear something that makes you stand out and leave people thinking, 'wow.' But overall you are the bride and usually, they are the focus." - Aggressive-Window-55
"Frankly, what better way to make someone blend in than to put them in the exact same dress as a bunch of other girls, all standing in a row? Odds are most people at the wedding have seen you both, they already know what you both look like, they will be looking at you because it is your wedding and they are there to see and support you."
"Plus you're the bride, as someone who did not love the spotlight I gotta tell you being the bride at a wedding is like being a celebrity on the red carpet… everyone wants to greet you, take a picture with you, give you a hug, ooh and aah over how beautiful you look, how glad they are to see you, etc. You are the star of the show." - Quaiydensmom
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Alright, I get in a general sense that people think I am an AH for hurting her feelings and being insecure and selfish."
"I have been in therapy for family issues and self-image issues since the day I turned 18, but it hasn't 100% sorted itself out yet. I work on it every day."
"I didn't add this in my original post, but I have a facial deformity because my jaw did not form correctly in the womb, leaving my chin and mouth deformed. My family has never let me forget this part of myself. I have cut most of them out of my life, but the trauma is still there."
"I love my sister, and after talking with Allen, we have decided not to have bride or groom parties at all. I will try to talk to her at some point this weekend and apologize for letting my insecurities get in the way of our relationship and explain that I won't have any MOH or bridesmaids."
"I appreciate those who gave perspective without being cruel, I knew Reddit could be harsh but jeez, some of you need the therapy you so desperately say that I do."
The subReddit understood why the OP was struggling, especially since she was having some trouble with her family, but they didn't think the OP should take it out on her sister and potentially damage their relationship over receiving public attention.
There had to be a better way to involve the OP's sister, while also keeping the OP comfortable on what should be one of the happiest days of her life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp