We can all agree that a wedding day is supposed to be a good time for everyone involved, but it should definitely be one of the happiest days ever for the happy couple.
But when insecurities come knocking, it can ruin the whole day, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor VanillaUnhappy3958 was so worried about her sister being prettier than her, she was considering not including her sister as one of her bridesmaids to avoid having her show her up.
But when her sister’s heart was broken by the idea, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was making the wrong choice.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for Not Making My Sister a Bridesmaid Because of Her Looks?”
The OP felt insecure about her sister’s good looks.
“I (25 Female) am a homely-looking girl. There is no other way to say it; I am not hot or even pretty by most people’s standards.”
“My sister (27 Female), ‘Bella,’ is one of the most beautiful women who has ever walked this planet. Like, she got stopped on the street and in the mall multiple times while we were growing up for modeling opportunities.”
“We have different dads, and I guess she just won the genetic lottery. I was jealous of her as a kid, especially because we were always compared to one another. I’m 5’4, average body, and a slightly below-average face. She’s 5’11, thin, and all around just really gorgeous.”
“She’s also a genuinely great person. She’s humble and sweet, and even though she could’ve made a living off of her looks, she ended up going into social work and now works with kids in foster care.”
“She and I are close. We see one another a bit less since she moved to a new city with her husband, but we constantly text and call. I was her maid of honor two years ago at her wedding.”
Despite being close, the OP was debating Bella’s involvement in her wedding.
“Four months ago, my fiancé (30 Male), Allen, proposed to me and I said yes.”
“My family was excited for me and they all like him. He and I have been together for just over two years. Bella and Allen are close as well, and we often have them over for dinner or go to their house for game nights.”
“Now to the issue. I thought about it a lot and decided to not have Bella in my bridal party.”
“I just wanted one day where we weren’t standing side-by-side, being compared. I wanted to be the pretty one standing at the altar on my day.”
“I’ve gotten over my jealousy of her for the most part and accepted myself for how I look and who I am, but the thought of everyone looking at her at my wedding broke my heart.”
Bella was hurt by this idea.
“She obviously thought she would be my maid of honor, and so before I asked anyone to be in my bridal party, I went to her house to talk to her.”
“I didn’t want her to hear through the grapevine or social media that she not only wasn’t my maid of honor but also wasn’t in my bridal party at all.”
“When I went over and told her and explained my reasoning, she started to cry. She didn’t get mad at me, but she said it was really hurtful that I’d excluded her because of the way she looks.”
“I understand her point. She and I are best friends.”
The family was divided on the OP’s decision.
“She’s been giving me a bit of a cold shoulder since this happened, and my parents (our mom and each of our dads) have called me a major AH for doing this to her, saying she’s more upset than she let on but didn’t want to taint ‘my day’ with drama.”
“She RSVP’d to the wedding invite, so I know she’ll still be coming no matter what, but I feel bad that I have excluded her just because of her looks now.”
“So, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was wrong to let her insecurities win on her wedding day.
“YTA. I was hoping that the title is misleading and there is something in the post that might somehow justify it, but no. You need to work on your issues.”
“No one who is truly your well-wisher would ever compare you. Plus, how do you plan on dealing with the rest of the world? There will always be someone better than us in this world in one area or another. Would you just avoid them?” – allergic_to_kiwi
“You’re so lucky to have a supportive, loving sister. Why let your own, unfounded insecurities ruin that relationship?” – loverlyone
“Listen, being a bridesmaid is so much more than pictures. This is the person that will help plan your bridal shower and bachelorette party the way YOU want them. It’s the person that will help you select decorations and maybe even help with coordinating them.”
“It’s the person who will be with you, by your side, as you step into your new chapter with your husband. It’s the person who will hold up your dress when you have to sneak off to pee/poop during your reception. It’s the person who will love you so much that they’ll make sure your dress is laying just right, your flyaways are flattened, and make sure you have a wet wipe when you are at the end of the night and desperately need one.”
“Insecurities aside, your sister’s feeling aside… YTA to yourself if you don’t prioritize relationships over esthetics on a day that is supposed to be about love and relationships. And you’ll have to accept the real possibility that this will damage your relationship in the future. Ask yourself honestly which would be worse.” – MoMoJangles
“Don’t ostracize your sister. She seems to really love and care about you. Why risk messing with the relationship just bc you’re worried that she’ll steal your thunder? Just be happy to have a kind and supportive sister. She won’t forget this and it’ll likely bother her for a while.”
“Going forward, she could worry that you’re always hyper-fixated on how she looks. It could impact the way she dresses or acts around you, as she may actually be insecure about her looks now. No one wants to think that they’re upsetting someone due to how they look, whether they’re attractive or not. She is who she is.” – yumyum_sauce69
“The softest YTA I have ever bestowed.”
“At the wedding, you would be 100% be the center of attention. Nobody who cares about the people compares the bride in the way that you fear.”
“Now, the question ‘What happened between the sisters?’ will be front-and-center. I highly recommend you re-evaluate.” – RevRagnarock
Others encouraged the OP to try to have the best of both worlds.
“YTA. You say that Allen and Bella get on and you don’t seem eaten up with insecurity over their relationship. He asked YOU to marry him, not your sister. Nobody else’s opinion matters, surely? Who cares what Auntie Mary’s husband’s brother thinks?”
“Look at it this way, which is what I did with my much better-looking best friend on my wedding day. Everyone is expecting Bella to look fabulous all the time. There’s no surprise in it for anyone who knows you both.”
“But you… you’re going to be dressed up to the nines, with special make up and hair. You will look very different, and people will notice.”
“Don’t go for a boring dress, wear something really memorable and different. Choose a muted color for Bella’s dress. Smile more brightly than her, because after all it’s your special day. And you will shine.” – Holiday_Cat_7284
“Your sister sounds like a great person. You are lucky to have a friend like her. Just like the other people wrote, wear something that makes you stand out and leave people thinking, ‘wow.’ But overall you are the bride and usually, they are the focus.” – Aggressive-Window-55
“Frankly, what better way to make someone blend in than to put them in the exact same dress as a bunch of other girls, all standing in a row? Odds are most people at the wedding have seen you both, they already know what you both look like, they will be looking at you because it is your wedding and they are there to see and support you.”
“Plus you’re the bride, as someone who did not love the spotlight I gotta tell you being the bride at a wedding is like being a celebrity on the red carpet… everyone wants to greet you, take a picture with you, give you a hug, ooh and aah over how beautiful you look, how glad they are to see you, etc. You are the star of the show.” – Quaiydensmom
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“Alright, I get in a general sense that people think I am an AH for hurting her feelings and being insecure and selfish.”
“I have been in therapy for family issues and self-image issues since the day I turned 18, but it hasn’t 100% sorted itself out yet. I work on it every day.”
“I didn’t add this in my original post, but I have a facial deformity because my jaw did not form correctly in the womb, leaving my chin and mouth deformed. My family has never let me forget this part of myself. I have cut most of them out of my life, but the trauma is still there.”
“I love my sister, and after talking with Allen, we have decided not to have bride or groom parties at all. I will try to talk to her at some point this weekend and apologize for letting my insecurities get in the way of our relationship and explain that I won’t have any MOH or bridesmaids.”
“I appreciate those who gave perspective without being cruel, I knew Reddit could be harsh but jeez, some of you need the therapy you so desperately say that I do.”
The subReddit understood why the OP was struggling, especially since she was having some trouble with her family, but they didn’t think the OP should take it out on her sister and potentially damage their relationship over receiving public attention.
There had to be a better way to involve the OP’s sister, while also keeping the OP comfortable on what should be one of the happiest days of her life.