Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, often bringing family together for the first time after a long absence. But sometimes there's a good reason why the whole family hasn't been in the same place at the same time.
Still, a big occasion sometimes leads to people setting aside even really good reasons for low or no contact and extending an invitation. At times, it's the opportunity to mend fences.
Other times, it's a great reason to build higher walls.
A newlywed turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an unfortunate run in with her in-laws during her wedding.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
ScoopityWoopers asked:
"AITAH for humiliating my father-in-law (FIL) at my wedding dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Me and my husband got married in the courthouse last week after being together for 6 1/2 years. Nothing fancy, but truly the happiest day of my life."
"I always thought people were exaggerating when they said that, but glad I was wrong. We only had our parents at the actual courthouse and planned a larger dinner party later in the night."
"We didn't exactly do speeches, but we decided to read our vows in front of all our friends and family. I went first, and I'll be honest—I'm a yapper and a crier."
"In the moment, I had no idea how long my speech was, but I'm told it lasted around 6-7 minutes. I just had so much love I wanted to share in that moment that I frequently strayed from what I originally wrote and went on tangents."
"My FIL then proceeded to get up, walk across the room, take the mic, and say to the party 'try and keep it short, deary'. They were my VOWS, and my husband's lasted about 5 minutes compared to my 6-7 minutes."
"Who takes the mic from a bride during her vows? I just scoffed and said, 'well, I guess you would have the authority on short things'."
"The room burst into laughter."
"Now context: my father-in-law is ~60 years old and 5'3" tall. He put 5'6" on his license, but I think the DMV just pitied him too much to correct it. He quite literally has the body of a 12-year-old boy."
"We have not had a great relationship with my husband's parents. In fact, he was completely no-contact with his mother for 5 of the 6 years we've been together."
"I talked my husband into inviting them to the wedding because I do value the sentiment of them being there for his big day. My husband brought up the idea and had the final say in whether or not they were invited."
"I definitely didn't force him."
"I've always said that I will not be the one to come between him and his family, but I will support him no matter what. He admitted he was sad about them not attending after seeing my parents involvement with the wedding."
"I will admit that I should've just reassured him that me and my family will be his support system through all of this, and shouldn't have even entertained disturbing the peace. I take responsibility in that, but at the end of the day, he did agree to invite them."
"My FIL initially waved his hand and just sat back down. I assumed he took the joke like a champ, and that was the end of it. I was truly on cloud nine that night."
"As we were saying goodbye, I noticed that my FIL and MIL were already gone. Oh, well, they have animals at home and had a long drive."
"I sent a quick text in the group chat, 'Hey! Sorry, we missed your exit! Thank you so much for coming, it meant the world :) Hope you had a great night!'."
"The next morning, he calls me and explodes. He's screaming, he's cursing, he's calling me names."
"At a point, I just had to hang up because I was just being berated. I genuinely didn't even know what he was upset about at first."
"He then shows up to our apartment to continue his tirade, saying I humiliated him and I should be ashamed for disrespecting him in front of all those people. My husband wasn't home, so I was just kinda stunned at this point."
"I could barely get a word out before he just stormed off. He's now blocked up on everything and won't speak to us."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation:
"I made a joke during my wedding vows after my FIL told me to 'keep it short' when he himself is 5'3" tall."
"The kicker is, he was smiling after I made the joke! He was conversing with family when I saw him on and off over the next 3 hours, and a few people did Irish goodbyes that night."
"I genuinely didn't think it was as big of a highlight."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors had mixed reactions to the OP's situation because of the OP's statement that they talked their husband into inviting his parents.
"NTA for the joke but, honestly, this feels like karma for forcing your spouse to invite his parents when there was a good reason they were no contact." ~ Elegant-Analyst-7381
"Let people make the decisions about inviting their own parents. If you have to cajole someone into seeing their parents, chances are there are some very good reasons for it. Like, say, an explosive temper." ~ Aylauria
"You're NTA, but you absolutely should not have insisted on your spouse inviting his parents, knowing that he doesn't have a great relationship with them, and frankly, I think you're lucky that it didn't turn out worse." ~ MikeyFX
"OP's husband has known his mother and father a lot longer and if they were too toxic for him to have contact with for multiple years, that should have been a clue for OP. Hopefully this experience will teach OP not to value the 'sentiment' of something over actual experiential wisdom of a loved one." ~ Jovon35
"As someone who's no contact with her mom and mom's done her best to make sure that will last both our lifetimes—some people should have never had kids in the 1st place."
"We would both be better off for it. And yeah, I understand that means I wouldn't exist. Better than being her daughter."
"People with good parents need to stop assuming we all have kind and loving parents. And that their cruelty is a one-off. It's more like 'every chance she gets'."
"Some of us just have bullies and will never know what motherly (or fatherly) love feels like."
"It's bad enough growing up in that environment."
"But the bullying never really ends when every person who finds out you had to cut your parent out just says 'but family...' and tries to make you feel bad about it. It's not an easy decision." ~ username__0000
"I'd say ESH. OP shouldn't get a free pass for forcing her husband to invite his parents. It was his wedding too, and he knows his parents better than OP."
"I wonder if this was a one-off, or if OP has a habit of forcing her wishes/opinions on him." ~ PrideofCapetown
"Honestly, serves you right for forcing your husband's boundary because YOU value the sentiment...'he was completely no-contact with his mother for 5 of the 6 years we've been together. I talked my husband into inviting them to the wedding because I do value the sentiment of them being there for his big day...'."
"I'm sure your husband values his peace, and you just uprooted that to fulfill your own needs." ~ Basic_Perception3239
Some felt there might be another reason her father-in-law was so upset.
"Was it just me who thought you were insinuating your father-in-law had a small penis?" ~ Odd_Knowledge_2146
"I'm sure that's why he was so offended, because that's how I took it, even after the height was mentioned." ~ makeupnmunchies
"No, it wasn't just you. I had the same thought exactly. And I wondered how she knows how long his dick is." ~ These-Maize4619
"Same, (and even though he was a bit rude saying 'Keep it short, deary,' but her 'joke' seemed ruder than what he said). I mean I can understand both sides, but still." ~ Virtual-Alarm9691
"I don't think that OP necessarily meant that, but for sure FIL made the association. He'll have heard those jokes more than once before." ~ KombuchaBot
"100% what I thought, or that he doesn't last long in bed." ~ Past_Raccoon2629
"She said 'short' though, so I thought she was referring to how long he can perform in bed." ~ MattDaveys
"A common thought would be in reference to penis size, yet in the case of being only 5'3" tall, this man has been harassed his whole adult life about his short stature." ~ Overall-Injury-7620
Big public events like weddings might not be the best venue for a reconciliation of a truly contentious relationship.
Maybe start smaller, like brunch.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp