Content Warning: Sexually Explicit Content, Toxic Behavior, Derogatory Nicknames, Sexual Content Shared Without Consent
When we think of the key factors to a happy and healthy relationship, we generally think of love, communication, and clear boundaries with money and intimacy.
But respect doesn’t get the respect it deserves, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Flakyartistz accidentally came across a group chat that her future husband shared with his friends, and she discovered how poorly he spoke of her to his friends.
But when she uncovered private details and videos, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was best to postpone their wedding, if not cancel it entirely.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for considering postponing my wedding after I saw how my fiancé talks about me in his group chat?”
The OP was very much in love with her future husband.
“My soon-to-be husband (STBH (24 Male) and I (24 Female) have been together since we were both 17. He was my first everything. First boyfriend, first kiss, he took my virginity, literally my first for everything.”
“He proposed after I graduated nursing school, and I’ve never been happier. I know everyone says this but there’s literally been zero problems and zero red flags.”
But then she made a terrible discovery about him.
“I wanted to play this game he has on his iPad because I’ve become borderline addicted to it.”
“As I was playing it, I saw a text from his group chat pop up. I ignored it, but then another came up with one of his friends saying, ‘I’d marry a BJQ (Bl*wJ*b Queen).'”
“I got confused so I decided to open it.”
“This group chat consists of only men. Some of them are MY childhood friends, too. And we hang out with these people multiple times a week.”
“My husband sent a pros and cons list about me to the group, which was what the guys were responding to. I copied it, sent it to me, and deleted the evidence.”
“Here’s the list:”
“Pros: sexually eager and bl*wj*bs whenever I want; big t*ts, big a**, big thighs, and a flat stomach; doesn’t let herself become frumpy and ugly; funny and smart; and is a good cook and baker.”
“Cons: has a lot of animals; doesn’t always keep our place clean; laughs too loud; is vulgar and crude; has bad breath in the mornings; and spends too much time at the gym.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“Is the list that bad? It made my stomach drop, and I’ve just felt this impending dread ever since discovering it.”
“The cons aren’t THAT bad, but it feels so objectifying with the pros list.”
“And as I scrolled up and read more, the worse it got.”
“He talked to them about how he thinks I lied about being a virgin when we met because I was ‘too eager’ in wanting to try too many things.”
“He even bragged about how he has a folder on his phone of videos and photos of me and us. Everybody dared him to send it, and he said no, but how can I be sure he didn’t send it anyway and deleted the evidence?”
“He even talked about how there was a week he tested to see how many bl*wj*bs he could get out of me by simply asking for them and decided to stop because he ‘started to feel bad.'”
The OP felt deeply violated.
“There was more, but I can’t write it out. I feel so gross and sad. I talk about him in a much different way. It feels like he only sees me as a sex object, and I see him as my other half.”
“I’ve opted out of friend hangouts and have distanced myself from him.”
“He’s noticed and has been trying to find out what’s wrong, but I’m not even ready to tell him. I wanna postpone our wedding until we can figure this out or if it’s even salvageable.”
“Am I overreacting? Please, any and all advice is welcomed.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some hoped the OP would never marry someone who spoke of her that way.
“I don’t think you should ever marry anyone so willing to humiliate you. He doesn’t sound like he has much love or respect for you. Not a good way to start a lifelong partnership.” – redditlurker1981
“This is her fiancé, soon-to-be husband, and he’s discussing you this way with his friends! I’m appalled at his behavior. Your fiancé/husband should be your best friend, your confidant, your soft place to fall, not someone who discusses how many b**wj*bs he can get out of you.”
“I hate it when men discuss their sex lives. This is something very personal.”
“Cancel the wedding, move out if you are living together, and start your life new. You deserve someone who treats you with respect.” – PNL-Maine
“He’s not ready to be anybody’s husband. I would not postpone the wedding; I would cancel it.”
“How dare he talk to you so degradingly to his p*ssant friends. I would leave something on the computer and leave the computer open, making a pros and cons list talking about how his d**k is too little and see how he feels about that.” – leolawilliams5859
“NTA.”
“Your sex life is not a novel for his friends to read. Cancel the wedding, return the ring, and find another place with no memories of him in it. You deserve better.” – Head_Razzmatazz7174
Others agreed and urged the OP to move out while her ex was away.
“This man has no respect for you. It’s not ok for someone who is supposed to love you to talk about you in a degrading and objectifying way. And the others in the group chat are not your friends.”
“If anything, you are now underreacting. Postponing the wedding is the minimum you should do. Don’t be fooled into staying with him because he was your first and you’ve put so much time and energy into the relationship.”
“You deserve better. You have plenty of time to find a partner who respects and loves you.”
“NTA, but you may end up being one to yourself if you don’t address this and demand better for yourself, even if it is with someone else.” – choppedliver65
“Girl, your soon-to-be ex will gaslight you when (if) you tell him that you have seen the messages. He will start by saying you stepped on his private chat. Then he will say it’s a ‘boys talk’ and they do it all the time and it means nothing.”
“Then he will say he loves you, etc., etc. Then he will love-bomb you because you give him bl*wj*bs whenever he wants, and he definitely doesn’t want to lose that!”
“Your soon-to-be ex is a douche, and you need to dump his a**. I know this is a typical Reddit response, but girl, you are a sex toy to him and a sex slave.”
“Look at the comments in the Cons section: You don’t always keep the house clean! Where the h**l is he? Does he not help? Does he not create a mess?”
“Next, has bad breath in the morning! Jesus, this one was a facepalm! Who doesn’t?!”
“Oh, then there’s the fact you have too many animals! That on its own would make me question everything.”
“And the comment about you not letting your go and becoming fat. He literally is saying he will dump you if you do.”
“Remember, people who truly love you don’t do stupid sh*t he did. They don’t write stupid lists, they don’t treat you like a sex toy!”
“Run, run away from him, and find someone who respects you, loves you for who you are, and is mature.”
“If anything you are underreacting! NTA.” – Skyeblue0922
“Break up and cancel; don’t postpone. Now is the perfect time for her exit. He won’t be back for another three days. I would have everything moved out, accounts closed, name off lease, and be waiting (with someone just in case) for his arrival back home or just leave a note.”
“Block him on everything the moment you confront him, or the (if you decide to leave a note) moment he gets back. You don’t want to give him any inclinations that something is wrong, until you are ready for him to know.”
“And I agree with, screenshot his chat in the group. Also, check for other messaging apps, that could be used for something else.”
“I am so sorry you had to learn the truth, but at least you found out before you said I do. This could’ve been so much worse, as these types will let their walls down when know you are trapped.” – rexmaster2
“Be prepared for the biggest man tantrum you’ve ever witnessed. He’ll play the victim card, blame you, and call you the crazy one. Typical gaslighting s**t.”
“Collect all the evidence and consult a lawyer. Revenge porn will follow you forever.”
“Also, since he’s proven he’s a total piece of s**t, an STD screen is not a bad idea. At this point everything you knew about him is false so it’s possible he may have cheated on these “work trips.'” – redditlurker1981
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post.
“I wanted to say thank you to everyone who gave me their advice and input.”
“My soon-to-be ex left for a work-related trip and won’t be returning till the seventh. I decided to go through his iPad even more, and the things I found were absolutely appalling. I can’t even believe I considered staying, you all opened my eyes, and what I found really solidified it.”
“I searched the group chat more. They didn’t talk about me a whole lot, but every time they did, it was so degrading and wildly inappropriate.”
“I found out it was my soon-to-be ex that coined me as ‘BJQ’ in the chat. And I was right, he has sent videos of me. I wanted those to stay between us.”
But then the OP found even worse evidence.
“I also found his X and Reddit accounts. All the p**n is one girl and multiple men. I don’t wanna read too much into that but with how everything is falling, I’m scared he was gonna try to share me with the men in this group chat. Which, yes I am open-minded, but I am firm on no threesomes and no sharing of any sort. He knows this.”
“I also found out he calls me ‘butter face’ (that means ‘everything by her face,’ or ‘she has a nice body, but her face…’). He constantly complains that I don’t lean into my femininity and dress more girly. He said he hates my tattoos and piercings and said they’re ‘excessive.'”
“There’s so much more, and I’m just devastated. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t wanna tell my family because I’m so humiliated and sad. Do I collect evidence from his iPad and take it to a lawyer? Do I start moving out while he’s away?”
“I’m just so lost right now. Thank you to everybody who helped open my eyes.”
Some were appalled that the ex had shared videos of the OP without her consent.
“Depending on where you are, sharing those images and videos could be a crime. Go to the police.”
“Don’t delete anything yet. Wait until you’ve spoken to the police, and then factory reset that b***h! Free the iPad!” – Orrery-
“NTA and run! I hope you realize that his sharing those videos with his friends is incredibly illegal and the beginning of his ‘trafficking’ you out to them.”
“I would send all of the evidence for myself and move out (if you don’t own the place), and PRESS CHARGES!”
“I understand you may love him still maybe, but he is not going to get better. He doesn’t see you as human.” – B**TARD_FOX
“OP needs to consult a lawyer. It’s better to understand your legal rights and options, especially if you’re considering ending the engagement or if there are shared assets or financial matters involved.” – Rebel_Gingerx
“NTA and OP definitely needs to consult a lawyer because the soon-to-be ex’s friends have them as well and they might do revenge p**n on behalf of the soon-to-be ex.”
“OP collect the evidence, INCLUDING the people in the group because they’re all a part of it.” – Narrow_Guava_6239
Others were hurt and angry for the OP at the ex’s use of “butter face.”
“Can you imagine planning to spend the Rest of your Life with someone who thinks of you as a butterface?!? Like the degradation of that even when you’re not in a relationship…”
“OP deserves so much better. What really stung from the many things was the doubting her virginity. Like, she was in love and eager to finally try some things out with someone she felt was safe, comfortable, and could do those things with.”
“I had lost mine, but when I fell in love at 17, I was adventurous because I felt safe, secure, and could be open to exploration. He took that as a sign of lies?! What the f**k? Then the videos. Goddess help me, I’d be close to committing a crime on this man.” – Gothmom85
“Someone calling me ‘butter face’ would result in an immediate breakup.”
“Get moved out as fast as possible while he’s gone, and don’t let him know until he gets back. Move your stuff to a storage unit.” – rocketmn69_
After receiving the second round of feedback, the OP shared an update in a third post.
“Hi everyone. I was able to get moved out before he came home, but I barely made it.”
“I finished moving everything out late at night the night before he got back. I’m staying with my friend until I’m able to find a new place.”
“My family, as well as his family members, are aware of what’s going on. I decided to text his mom everything, but she never responded. My parents are floored. My dad helped me move the majority of my things out, and he ‘accidentally’ broke his PC tower (it was mine, but he took it over).”
“I don’t wanna get too much into the legal stuff because I don’t know what I can and can’t discuss. What I will share is that my lawyer wants to pursue charges, and the police believe I have enough evidence. The officers and detective I’m working with have been extremely helpful and are going above and beyond for me.”
“Before he came home the next day, I texted one of the guy’s girlfriends and let her know what I found because even though I didn’t find images or videos of the other guys’ girlfriends, it’s still better to be safe than sorry. She was amazing about it, and we are still in touch.”
The OP’s ex started to lash out at her for leaving.
“When he came home, everything went as expected. He was blowing up my phone, texting, calling, emailing, everything.”
“He showed up at the hospital; thankfully, I wasn’t working that day, but I heard about it from one of the CNAs I work with.”
“He’s been demanding to know what’s going on, that he’s scared, etc.”
“Then he started texting, asking where his iPad was.”
“An hour later, he started cursing me out, asking if I’d lost my mind. He started telling me I needed to grow up and come talk to him. I’m assuming he’s figured out I know.”
“The cops advised me not to block him because he’ll likely say something that could further my case.”
“I’m safe. My family is aware of this, and so are all my friends. I have a great support system. I’m just so scared and exhausted. I’m sorry if this is jumbled and doesn’t make sense. I’m still trying to piece together everything. If there’s more, I will update.”
The subReddit was disgusted by what the OP had discovered, but they were also grateful that she had made these discoveries before she got married and that she was able to act on them while her ex was on a work trip.
No matter what explanations he might have, there was no excuse for talking about someone’s partner in this way. Especially since she was still so young, she was better off not wasting her time and finding new love elsewhere.