Rules are rules.
So what happens when someone thinks that they are above them?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Sad_Subject2779 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"WIBTA for not inviting my parents or siblings to my wedding after what they said."
Joyous news.
"My (25F) fiancé (28M) and I are planning our dream wedding but want to keep it small."
"From the get go, my fiancé and I both said that we do not want any children at our wedding due to a number of reasons."
"We want to get married in the bush somewhere where wild animals roam freely, and the age limit is 16 and up. (This is non-negotiable because small children are at risk -Venue requirements)"
"We both know from personal experiences that one person always ends up looking after the children and do not enjoy the wedding."
"We want to have just adults at the wedding so that we can celebrate the day properly."
The problem.
"My parent and siblings explicitly stated that my nieces and nephews will be REQUIRED to go to the wedding, and I have no choice in this matter."
"My dad even went as far to say that if my nephew will not be allowed to go, he will then also not go."
"This broke my heart as I am the only girl in the family, and now he doesn't want to even attend."
"My brothers said, 'I do not care what she wants. My children WILL be there'."
"Take into consideration that all my nieces and nephews are under the age of 7."
"My fiancé's family has been super supportive and respects our wishes of not having any children at the wedding."
"They even made arrangements up until this point to have the little ones taken care of."
"Now I am honestly considering not inviting my parents anymore because they are forcing me to do something that is not part of our wishes."
"I love them all dearly, but I feel they don't want to make the sacrifice for me and my fiancé's big day. As I ultimately mean, it us getting married and not them."
OP was left to wonder,
"So WIBTA for telling them that I will not be inviting them as they want to rather spend the day with their grandchildren than celebrate the day with me?"
Having explained the issue, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
OP's family was judged.
"NTA."
'"My parent and siblings explicitly stated that my nieces and nephews will be REQUIRED to go to the wedding, and I have no choice in this matter.'"
"Remarkable. I don't know what else to say."
"'My brothers said 'I do not care what she wants, my children WILL be there"'.
"They really are the gift that keeps on giving." ~ diminishingpatience
"They want a free meal and to show off how perfect they are." ~ LeslieJaye419
"'I do not care what she wants. My children WILL be there.'"
"Bro it's her wedding not yours lmao neither your children NOR YOU can be there if she doesn't invite your entitled a*s😂" ~ okredditor257
"'My parent and siblings explicitly stated that my nieces and nephews will be REQUIRED to go to the wedding and I have no choice in this matter.'"
"Lol, yeah, you DO have a choice. HE doesn't."
"'My brothers said 'I do not care what she wants, my children WILL be there'".
"Ummmm NO."
"Bro does NOT get to overrule you or the venue rules. How arrogant of him."
"We want to get married in the bush somewhere where wild animals roam freely, and the age limit is 16 and up. (This is non-negotiable because small children are at risk -Venue requirements)
THIS is the only reason you have to give them. If they won't abide by it, tell them they're uninvited because they're not going to cause drama on your wedding day."
"NTA for you. Your family are TA" ~ Stormiealways
Nevermind the safety concerns.
"Disturbing that they're so desperate to provide the wild animals with a snack.... NTA" ~ FrostFlower-
"Exactly!"
"u/Sad_Subject2779 you should ask them why they're so set on putting their kids in danger. Don't they care about their safety?" ~ griffinicky
The Venue.
"If the venue requires everyone t be over 16, then the venue won't allow them in. It's beyond yours and their control. So they can try and bring them, but it means they won't be allowed in the venue."
"They are not respecting your wishes or the venue." ~ queenofwasps
"I was going to say- let them try to show up, and then the venue turns them away."
"Problem solved" ~ 22Margaritas32
"NTA (assuming you're paying for the wedding yourself). Just say, as cheerfully as possible:"
'"Sorry, brother/dad/etc. We're not having children under 16 due to venue requirements and safety issues.'"
'"If this means you can't attend the wedding, we understand and hope to celebrate with you some other time."'
"Now, if your dad is paying for some or all of the wedding, you have to abide by his rules and let him have some control over the guest list."
"If you're paying for it yourself, then you have full reign over the guest list." ~ analyst19
"If the venue doesn't allow it, the venue doesn't allow it."
"Book the venue, and tell your family it's out of your hands; the venue is very strict on no children who are young and dumb enough to wind up drop-kicked by a f*cking kangaroo. Period." ~ OccamsJello
"Since the rules of the venue require everyone to be 16+, would they be refused entry if they tried to bring their children?"
"I would make sure that your family knows that if they try to show up with their kids, they will not be allowed to enter and would have to turn around and go back home."
"Also, you have the right to have a child-free wedding if you want to, whether or not the venue allows it."
"Congratulations!!" ~ Major_Zucchini5315
No is still a full sentence.
"NTA."
"The bride and groom don't need any reason other than 'we want a child-free wedding.'"
"It is YOUR wedding."
"It's too bad that your family is being such pills about this, but heck, if you're getting married in a venue that doesn't allow kids under 16, the problem sort of solves itself right?"
"Stick to your guns."
"This mindset of some people, that children should just be accepted everywhere, no matter what is toxic as all get out."
"(Mom and grandma here, grown kids, several grandkids)."
"People have a right to enjoy things child-free if they want to." ~ canvasshoes2
"NTA"
"Your wedding , your rules"
"But did you tell them that it's not that you just don't wants kids there, but that kids AREN'T allowed to be there for safety measure ?"
"To be totally honest if you have already tell them that, then your family isn't the smartest." ~ Fenrir426
"No, that is ridiculous."
"They don't need to fight for their grandkids."
"This is about control."
"It's your freakin wedding. They are pissed you are setting a boundary."
"Little kids don't care about weddings."
"Your family is stomping on your boundaries and simply thinks they can tell you what to do, and they are pissed and throwing a temper tantrum that you are not capitulating to their ridiculous demand."
"Your dad saying he won't go to his daughter's wedding because a kid isn't invited is indicative of a larger problem. You are an adult."
"He doesn't get to make the rules and dictate your life."
"Your dad has control issues. This is about his ego, and your brother has issues too." ~ StayJaded
Not everyone was on OP's side.
"YTA"
"You are having a wedding on a separate continent and decided to have child-free wedding."
"What parent is going to burn their vacation days (two of which will be spent on getting there and back if not more) to go to expensive child-free wedding in another country on another continent when they have small kids?!"
"I don't blame them for not going." ~ FinancialBirthday150
"YTA for being selfish and choosing a venue that can't have kids."
"I'm with your dad, I wouldn't attend either, invited or not."
"You sound self-centered."
"If you really wanted that venue for your wedding, you should just be there with your SO and no one else."
"Not inviting half the family is going to damage your relationship with them for years to come, and I don't think that is worth it for a single 'special' day." ~ Content-Fudge489
OP did return with some additional details.
"Forgot to add."
"My fiancé and I are paying for our whole wedding."
"Neither the in-laws nor my family us contributing a cent because it's always a one-sided competition with my mom of 'They gave this much, and we can only give this, and now we look bad' or stuff like that so we are avoiding this situation completely"
Rules are there, particularly when dealing with kids, to make sure that everyone is safe.
Really though, throwing a wedding means you get to decide who comes to it.
And who does not.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.