We’ve all gone through one of those terrible breakups where all we want is for the other person to either realize that they made a horrible mistake or for them to at least apologize for how they treated us.
Some of us might even fantasize about showing them how we’re doing so much better without them, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but those fantasies cannot come at the expense of other relationships.
Redditor throwaway_44484 was excited to marry their fiancée, but while they were planning the wedding, she shocked them by saying that she wanted to invite her ex-boyfriend to show him that she was happier without him.
When she continued to push for her ex to attend, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t think they could go through with marrying her just to prove a point.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for calling off my wedding because my fiancée wanted to invite her ex-boyfriend?”
The OP and their fiancée argued about the future bride’s ex-boyfriend attending.
“My fiancée recently brought up her ex-boyfriend. She dated him for two years. Three years after they broke up, we met, and we’ve been together for four years. So they broke up seven years ago.”
“Well, now, my fiancée wanted to invite an ex to our wedding. From what I know, he was a d**k who always put her down and told her that he was the best she could ever do.”
“Naturally, I asked her why the h**l she would want him at our wedding.”
“She said she wanted to shove it in his face that she did amazingly for herself and that she got someone way better than him.”
Their fiancée’s reasoning made the OP uncomfortable.
“While I appreciated the compliment, I asked her, ‘Are you really so hung up on him that you’re gonna make our wedding about him?'”
“Honestly, once I said it, it was like someone else spoke for me. I didn’t even realize what I was saying, and I didn’t even understand it until I said it.”
Then the OP said something they really couldn’t take back.
“I told her that she shouldn’t bother to invite him because we weren’t getting married anymore.”
“She was stunned, and eventually apologized and told me to forget about her ex.”
“I felt angry and almost told her she was the one who needed to forget about him, but I held myself back.”
“I don’t know what to do. She spent the day telling me that she’s sorry for bringing it up.”
“But I’ll be honest, I’m even reconsidering the entire relationship now.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned by the OP’s fiancée’s fixation on getting revenge.
“NTA for calling off the wedding if her fixation on her ex raised serious doubts about the relationship. The fact that she wanted to invite him to ‘shove it in his face’ shows that she’s still emotionally tied to proving something to him!” – Alice-Shea
“My ex is amongst the last people I would want at my wedding. The person who caused me so much heartache?”
“I wouldn’t mind if he hears through the grapevine if I were married getting married and it was somebody really great, but I don’t need to know that he knows, and I definitely don’t need to have him there.” – Mistyam
“She wants him to see her at her best. Kind of covert flirting. OP is right to cancel.” – think_about_us
“I have an ex I haven’t talked to in, like, twenty years who cheated on me.”
“I am occasionally in her vicinity and get the vague urge to go say hi and work the conversation to a point where I have an excuse to tell her that, ‘Oh, yeah, I have a kid now…’ and show her a picture of my amazing partner who is just way more beautiful at 40 than my ex was at 21 and also our gorgeous kid who is way cuter than her nephews. (She’s obsessed with her nephews, she never had kids of her own.)”
“But that urge isn’t more than a passing thought and isn’t something I’d ever actually pursue. And I certainly wouldn’t ever invite her to anything. I haven’t actually even bothered to talk to her and don’t plan to; it’s not worth my time and energy.” – Emergency-Twist7136
“It’s bad enough that she wants to use the wedding, a happy moment, to try to stir drama and cause someone distress. What kind of bitter AH does that?”
“And how would she react if the ex just moved on and congratulated her with the biggest smile? Would she wail like a baby because her ex didn’t give a rat’s a**?” – Sufficient-Nobody-72
Others agreed and understood the OP’s desire to cancel the wedding and possibly break up.
“Don’t postpone the wedding, cancel it entirely, and do not set a future date at all. Not even tentatively. There should be pressure of a potential date coming up, even if it is a year away. Cancel the wedding, live separately, and see where she truly is with this ex.”
“Also, if it bothers OP enough that he doesn’t want to wait and doesn’t want to see how things go and examine things by staying in a relationship with her at all, then I think that is also valid and he should break up with her rather than let those feelings eat at him.”
“If this will be something he will always question in their relationship now, regardless of the outcome of any of this, then the relationship is already irreparably ruined and it would likely be best for both of them to break up now rather than later.” – Aggressive_Profit695
“You’re NTA for feeling uncomfortable with your fiancée wanting to invite her ex. It’s your wedding, and it’s okay to want it to be about celebrating your love with the people who support you, not about proving something to someone from the past.”
“It’s great that she apologized, but it’s also important to address the underlying issue of her still seeming to be hung up on her ex. Open and honest communication is crucial for a healthy relationship.” – Lovely_Cassandra
“You need to work out if this was a momentary impulse, where the idea of rubbing it in his face seemed appealing but actually in reality-land, she’d rather never see him again, or if this is something she’d thought long and hard about and considered revenge.”
“Either could be true from what you wrote, but in the first case, I think the impulse could be forgiven.” – Top-Industry-7051
“NTA. She let you know she’s not over her ex yet. That’s why she wants to exhibit you to him like a prize or a trophy.”
“What does she expect to happen after that? Does she intend him to come to her regretting he lost her, but now he’s a different person and things could work between them?”
“She didn’t make her marriage about him for no reason. She didn’t even consider it would be your marriage, too.”
“You did the right thing by reconsidering your relationship. She’s not ready to marry. At least not with you.”
“There should not be a third person in her mind when planning such an important step.” – gts_2022
But one Redditor took a moment to point out how the OP’s fiancée might be feeling.
“My fiancé blew up at me when I suggested inviting my ex to the wedding. I get it, I really do; it sounds strange, and maybe it was a little bold.”
“But I wanted to prove something, to show him that the guy who used to put me down, belittle me, and make me feel like I was lucky just to have him, didn’t win. I wanted him to see how well I’ve done for myself, how I’m about to marry someone so much better, someone who values me.”
“So I told my fiancé why I wanted my ex there. I expected him to understand. Instead, he looked at me like I’d lost my mind and asked why I was so hung up on my ex that I’d want to make our wedding about him.”
“His words cut me. I hadn’t seen it that way before he said it, but hearing it from him made me realize just how badly I’d misjudged the situation.”
“And then, out of nowhere, he told me we weren’t getting married anymore.”
“I couldn’t believe it. I stood there stunned, my heart sinking as I realized how much I’d hurt him. He was angry, and I could see that in his eyes.”
“I immediately apologized and told him to forget about my ex, that it was a stupid idea. But deep down, I could feel the shift, like something between us had broken. I spent the rest of the day apologizing, trying to make it right, but I could tell he was still upset.”
“And now, I don’t know where we stand. He hasn’t said anything outright, but I can sense that he’s reconsidering everything. Maybe I was wrong to bring it up, but I never thought it would put our entire relationship at risk.”
“I wanted to write this, because I think this is likely how the OP’s fiancée is feeling right now. She thought that she could do something to prove to her ex that she didn’t need him and that she had moved on, but it was only when it hurt her future husband that she realized how her vision wasn’t going to work for other people.”
“NTA, OP, but I hope you’ll talk to her before ending everything.” – NotAnAIOrAmI
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update about their plans in a second post.
“So, we are going to try some pre-marital counseling first. Our wedding has gone from being called off to being postponed indefinitely.”
“My fiancée tried to explain why she wanted to invite her ex, but not only did she keep changing her answers, but each one made it way worse for me.”
“First, she tried to explain that she just wanted some payback.”
“I told her, ‘And if he doesn’t care? Are you gonna rub in his face our first child? Our first home?'”
“She said she didn’t mean it that way, and she just wanted to prove her worth.”
“I then told her, ‘I guess your ex is the only one who can determine your worth.”
“We kept going like this for a while, and there wasn’t a single answer she gave that didn’t boil down to: She cares what her ex thinks and apparently she can’t be happy unless her ex felt some sort of way.”
“She denied it, but honestly, I find it hard to believe anything she says.”
“I don’t want our marriage to be only worth something if her ex is the only one who can determine it. I refuse to be with someone whose happiness revolves around their ex’s feelings.”
“I decided to at least try some counseling, since we have been together for years now.”
“I figured I should try. So at least I can say I tried.”
Fellow Redditors felt terrible for the OP’s fiancée but weren’t convinced she was ready to be married.
“NTA, after seven years broken up, with four years out of the seven dating you, it still sounds like she is still not over him. I wouldn’t dare marry her.” – Miserable-Most-1265
“To be honest, she probably has a fantasy that he does some such thing and she turns him down, but the fact that she’s so hung up on him being there shows that if he did that, he’d have a chance.” – blackcatsneakattack
“Nah… What she wants is some sort of, ‘Man, was I stupid to have let you go. I can see you are so happy now, and I’ll never find someone. My life is meaningless.’ It’s sad that she feels like she needs that in her life, because otherwise, she sounds pretty great.” – TheRiddler1976
“Honestly, the saddest part? He most probably doesn’t give a d**n about her wedding. Wouldn’t it be weird to receive a wedding invite after seven years of not having contact?”
“Unless they’ve kept contact through the years… but it would still be such an odd thing to do. It’s sad, though. The ex really got to her.” – ClassicDecision1602
“I’d add that it’s possible she’s over him, but not over what he put her through. She may feel nothing but hate for him, but in doing so she’s still giving him too much energy. Too much power. She needs individual therapy, badly.”
“All that said, even if my interpretation is correct, OP still wouldn’t be the bad guy if it was more than he wanted to deal with. Her relationship baggage is her responsibility. She needs to understand that men like her ex will never care. The only way to win is to stop caring, too.” – IAMA_Shark__AMA
The subReddit was unhappy to hear about how the happy relationship and future had potentially dissolved over a little petty revenge. It might be one thing to imagine receiving an apology someday, but actually wanting to invite an ex to a wedding felt like a few steps too far.
Hopefully, the couple will be able to talk this out and continue onto their next happy chapter together, no matter who they may or may not impress.