Some couples get hotels to offer blocks of rooms for guests and the wedding party.
But these offers are often dependent on a minimum number of wedding participants making nonrefundable reservations at the hotel.
It’s unclear if that’s what happened here, but it might explain things a bit better.
A newlywed turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with a childhood friend.
GlassHalfCat asked:
“AITA for telling my friend she was selfish for making her own plans on my wedding day?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My friend and I are both 27, female, and have been friends since we were 8 years old. I got married this past April and she was a bridesmaid in the wedding.”
“About 9 months out from the wedding, I learned from my maid-of-honor (MOH) that because this friend didn’t want to pay for a hotel room, she instead had texted the entire bridal party (excluding me and the groom) about booking a large Airbnb together with their significant other’s.
“MOH said the group text indicated that this Airbnb was for the bridal party, but not the bride and groom. This Airbnb plan ultimately fizzled out, but I texted my friend/bridesmaid just to talk with her about how it bothered me that she was trying to make new plans for my wedding party for my wedding weekend without saying anything to me or my now husband.”
“She was very defensive and told me it wasn’t a big deal, and dismissed my feelings entirely. The conversation ended, and we just didn’t have a reason to talk for a while.”
“Fast forward to my bachelorette weekend, and lots of wine, and she made some comment about the lodging for my wedding weekend and I snapped at her in front of everyone. I told her that she was selfish and only cared about what she wanted.”
“Later that night, we tried to hash things out, and I apologized for snapping at her, but tried to explain that I did think she was selfish for trying to change my wedding plans without telling me and then also dismissing me when I tried to talk with her about it. I told her it hurt my feelings that as a friend of almost 20 yrs she could care so little about my intentions and opinions of my wedding.”
“When I said she wouldn’t appreciate it if the roles were reversed, she told me that she really couldn’t entertain that hypothetical because she wasn’t seeing anyone. We smoothed over the conversation that evening, but I’m not totally sure that either of us saw the other person’s side.”
“Then, leading up to the wedding, everything seemed normal again with us, and she was enthusiastic about the wedding and left me a thoughtful card on the day of.”
“Now that the wedding is over, she doesn’t speak to me; she didn’t tell me she was coming to town multiple times or that she’s moving to the area that I live in. Come to find out, she told another friend that she was ‘just getting through the wedding’ and had planned to stop talking to me after.”
“AITA for telling her that she was selfish?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“Your wedding is yours. You control WHEN the wedding will take place. You control WHERE the wedding will take place.”
“You control WHO will be invited to be a member of the wedding party. You control WHAT the members of the wedding party will wear during the wedding.”
“You control WHO will be invited to be a guest. You control WHAT the dress code (if any) will be specified for the guests. You control WHO will enforce the guest list &/or their attire at the door.”
“You decide WHO the florist will be. You decide WHAT the color(s) & type(s) of flowers are used. You control HOW the flowers are used.”
“You control WHO the musician(s) will be. You control WHAT music is played. You control WHEN music will be played.”
“You control WHO the caterer will be. You control WHAT food(s) will be offered. You control WHEN the food will be served.”
“You control WHO makes the cake. You control WHAT flavor cake will be served. You control WHEN the cake is cut.”
“Apparently, that wasn’t enough control for you. You also wanted to try to control WHERE the members of the wedding party slept.”
“Unless a bride &/or groom pay for the lodging for the members of the wedding party, the bride &/or groom have NO right to control what sort of lodging the members choose to utilize.”
“In fact, even if the bride &/or groom do pay for the lodging for the members of the wedding party, the bride &/or groom still have no right to control whether or not the members choose to utilize that lodging (or procure lodging elsewhere).”
“YTA. You have serious control issues that are tainting your view of reality. There’s no way that behavior this neurotic with mentality this deviant is a one off thing. It would behoove you to seek help before your obsession with control starts costing you more than one friendship.” ~ MyHairs0nFire2023
“Unless you were paying the bill for lodging, the others can stay where they want. Who cares where they sleep at night? The important part is being there for the wedding.”
“What’s the problem? Plans on where to sleep upset you?”
“So after you had already talked about it, you brought it up again and in public? It sounds like you’re the selfish one.”
“She’s her own person. She doesn’t have to inform you of all her doings. Check your expectations! YTA.” ~ mdthomas
“YTA. It sounds like the Airbnb was more economical. Why is that a problem?”
“It’s clear that you were not paying for your wedding party’s hotel rooms, so guess what? You don’t get to control where the wedding party stays. Like, hello?”
“Also, what on earth are you trying to suggest about the bride and groom not being included in the Airbnb rental? Just what?”
“Where you and the groom stay is NOT relevant to where wedding guests stay and please be serious, you would have what—stayed in an Airbnb with your wedding party for your wedding? Of course not.”
“Your complaints make no sense, you were thoughtless about the costs you were imposing on your wedding party, YOU were being incredibly selfish, and you had no cause to say anything to your friend except to thank her for attending and celebrating with you.” ~ Even_Budget2078
“‘I was rude to my friend multiple times because it was ‘my wedding’ and now they don’t want to talk to me’. YTA.”
“I am getting married in less than three weeks and there is a lot of sh*t I care about. Where the bridal party is sleeping is not one of them.”
“They didn’t include you in the discussion because why would a newly married couple want to spend their wedding night in shared quarters.” ~ aggressive_banango
“Maybe I’m missing something? How was her trying to get the bridesmaids in on an Airbnb, going to take away from your wedding? If it was a cheaper option vs a hotel stay, what’s the problem? YTA.” ~ ambrford11
“I counted 6 ‘my wedding’ in your post. You are so controlling you are furious that she tried to arrange a different lodging arrangement for the wedding?”
“She wasn’t showing up in a white dress or trying to upstage you with a surprise proposal. Your tone sounds so harsh and abrasive, but I’m not surprised she distanced herself as soon as the wedding was over. YTA.” ~ growsonwalls
“YTA. It’s always funny to see the selfish person calling someone else selfish.”
“People don’t need to stay in the hotel YOU want. Especially if it is out of what they budgeted for accommodations.”
“People can stay where they want and they don’t need the approval of your royal highness. Get over yourself.”
“FYI, when someone says they are just trying to get through YOUR wedding…it’s because YOU are utterly insufferable. Good for her for cutting you out of her life if that is what is best for her.” ~ DivineGreekGoddess
“Oh honey, you’re an entire Olympic mental gymnastics team, aintcha? YTA. Your former friend owes you literally nothing.” ~ Fun-Interaction8196
“YTA. I can’t help but feel we are only getting your extremely biased take. Given how your friend just completely abandoned your friendship post wedding as well, seems like you flipped out and completely blew this Airbnb thing way out of proportion.” ~ jrm1102
“YTA and here’s why. Attempting to arrange a sensible, economically friendly group accommodation doesn’t count as ‘making her own plans’. Unless you had booked everyone rooms like an actual host, which you didn’t.”
“It would have been weird to include you and the groom in this arrangement. And there was no reason for her to bother you with the logistics of arranging where the bridal party might sleep.”
“She was actually being thoughtful. If I were you I’d consider apologizing to your friend and giving people a break in the future.” ~ elegantsweatshirt
It sounds like it might be too late to save this 19-year friendship.
Hopefully, the OP will learn something from this experience.