When we have people over for a visit or gathering, our first instinct is to tell our guests to “make themselves at home”.
Unfortunately, some people take that request a tad too literally…
Taking the liberty to roam around into places they shouldn’t, putting their feet up on furniture that wasn’t designed for reclining, and helping themselves to things without being offered.
Redditor StorageMaterial2644 had a friend who seemed to rely on them as a pair of ears to vent to and a shoulder to cry on.
Often inviting herself over to the original poster (OP)’s home.
While the OP didn’t really have a problem with these unplanned visits, they were less pleased by the fact that every time this particular friend came over, they had considerably less food than they had prior to her visit.
As a result, the OP felt they had no choice but to impose an ultimatum.
An ultimatum that badly offended their friend.
Worried they may have been insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For asking my friend to bring her own food when she asks to come over.”
The OP explained why their friend was less than thrilled with a condition the OP set for whenever she paid a visit:
“My friend has a pretty big appetite, and when she comes over, she frequently eats many of my groceries.”
“I am on a limited budget, and I cannot afford to feed her appetite.”
“When she comes over,r she will typically eat 40-60$ worth of groceries.”
“I am all for feeding my guests refreshments and providing snacks and meals, and I only invite my friends over when I’m in the financial position to host.”
“The friend in question asks me almost weekly if she can come over; she usually says she’s having a hard time and needs a friend.”
“I am always hesitant to have her over because of the amount of my groceries she helps herself to.”
“If I have a full multipack of food she will leave me with one or two in addition to having whatever else she finds in my fridge or pantry.”
“I recently addressed my concern with her and told her that if I invite her over, I plan on providing snacks/ meals; however, if she asks to come over, she needs to provide her own food.”
“She did not take this well and felt I was shaming her eating habits (she does have a tendency to find comfort in food and often struggles with overeating).”
“And pointed out that I didn’t have this rule for my other friends, which I tried to explain because they never ate so much that I felt the need to implement any rules/ restrictions.”
“She said I was an AH for shaming her for her biggest insecurity and for singling her out by creating rules for her that I don’t have with other friends.”
“I knew she struggled with food but still asked if she could supply her own snacks and meals when she asks to come over, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community stood firmly behind the OP and agreed that they were not the a**hole for telling their friend to bring her own snacks.
Everyone agreed that the OP was more than valid in asking her friend to bring her own food, as she was both inviting herself over and helping herself to begin with, and that the OP’s request was not a direct attack on her eating habits.
“NTA.”
“Two things can be true.”
“She could be sensitive about her eating.”
“She’s using her eating issues and your friendship to take advantage of you.”
“If you’re trying to explain to her how she’s putting you out by eating all your food, and that you don’t have that issue with anyone else, she should understand.”
“If she keeps playing the victim instead of trying to understand your side, you may need to distance yourself from her.’
“Maybe calculate how much money of yours she eats in a month and tell her.”
“Not to shame her, but maybe she’ll understand the numbers better than specifically talking about the food itself.”- PumpkinBeneficial374
“When she ‘needs’ a friend, offer to meet her at a coffee shop or, if the weather is nice, in a park.”
‘Spend time somewhere there is no food.”
“NTA.”- Arkhikernc65
“As you describe things, NTA.”
“I understand that this is her ‘biggest insecurity’.”
“However, it really feels like a good friend would have done this automatically after a few times of literally eating 60$ worth of food every time they come over.”
“That’s certainly a nontrivial amount of food.”
“I would say a normal friend would, at least every so often, ‘Hey you fed me last time, I’m ordering takeout for us/bringing over a frozen pizza/whatever’.”
“And that’s whether or not they ate some of your food.”
“When you have friends, it’s always give and take.”
“It’s part of the whole deal.”
“It’s absolutely no big deal to provide food/snacks for a friend.”
“But a friend will also bring stuff over/share the cost.”
“Seems to me she was, at leas,t partially using you for free food for the night.”-
SoImaRedditUserNow
“NTA.”
‘She eating you outta house and home and you just setting a fair boundary.”
“It ain’t about shaming her; it’s about not going broke tryna feed her every time she wanna come over.”
“If she don’t like it, she can chill somewhere else.”- Younggod9
“NTA.”
“I’d just explain and say ‘While I empathize with you, it’s simply unaffordable.'”
“‘I can’t afford an extra $60 a week on groceries at the moment.’“
“‘I’m not shaming or judging you at all, I’m just trying to be realistic and open with you’.”
“‘I cannot afford this’.”
“‘At all’.”
“‘Cost of living is too high for me’.”- AdministrativeCow659
“NTA.”
“Your ‘friend’ is ridiculous.”
‘Just tell her ‘Listen to me, I CAN’T afford to feed you’.”
“YOU are the AH for literally stealing food out of my mouth when you go in my kitchen and help yourself to so much of the groceries I have carefully budgeted for.”
“‘The fact that you are rude enough to do that, and then try to play the victim when I ask you to stop forcing me to either spend money I don’t have or else go hungry, says it all’.”
“‘You are selfish and inconsiderate, and you’re NOT going to play the victim with me, so give it a rest’.”- Bookish4269
“NTA.”
“She’s ashamed that she took you and your generosity so much for granted that you noticed her out-of-control eating and had to speak to her about it.”
“She’s taking that anger out on you because it’s easier than confronting her own problems.”- MmaRamotsweOS
“NTA.”
“Tell her that you can still help support her in her times if need AT HER PLACE, then help yourself to her food.”- jabarney7
‘She says she’s having a hard time and needs a friend because she’s eaten all her own food and she’s hungry!”
“That’s why she comes over.”
“It is necessary that you have set this boundary, and it needs to be a hard line.”
“As others have said, go to her house, meet somewhere else.”
“Ask her to buy groceries for you because you don’t have any money for food.”
“This is part of why I really don’t like the open kitchen floor plan in my house, I try to keep people out of my kitchen but there is this one person who comes over about once a month to drop off things for my mom.”
“She used to wonder into the kitchen and ask for whatever she happened to see… cookies, chips, bananas.”
“I learned, nothing to eat on the counters and put something heavy in front of the pantry so it’s obviously blocked.”
“You are NTA.”
“Do what it takes to protect your budget.”
“The way prices are these days, I cannot afford to feed anyone else.”- ArreniaQ
“NTA.”
“I’ve read your comments and see that eating your food is not the only problem.”
“She harasses you — even interrupting your video meetings until you agree to let her come over.”
“When she’s over it is not a fun time for you as she only uses you to vent and complain.”
“She is not your friend and is just taking advantage of you.”- OrcEight
Some would argue that when you are invited to someone’s home, the polite thing to do would be to bring a bottle of something or a lite bite.
Something one should consider even more seriously should they invite themselves.
It sadly seems pretty clear that the OP’s friend might indeed have an eating condition that she should possibly see a professional about.
However, as she seems somewhat aware of this, all the more reason she should take it upon herself to bring her own food.