We all want to help out family members who are struggling.
But this can become difficult, if not impossible to do if they don't use the help they're being given.
Or worse, if they don't show even the slightest sign of appreciation.
Redditor diabetstashaiththrow wanted to help his brother out by giving him a place to live so that he could get on his feet.
But after the original poster (OP)'s brother put his wife's health at risk not once, but three times, he felt there was no other choice but to kick him out.
But after being scolded by his family for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making my brother live with my parents?"
The OP first explained how he was initially happy to take his brother in, though there were conditions.
"My wife (27 F[emale]) is diabetic, so she obviously keeps sweets in case she needs them."
"She has a stash in the pantry with a few foods to bring up her blood sugar."
"My brother (32 M[ale]) is staying with us while he gets a job and works up some money to get another apartment."
"We have a rather big house, he's sleeping in the guest bedroom, which is on the other side of our bedroom and office."
"He's staying here for free, he at the time didn't have to pay for anything, no groceries, no water bill rent free and my wife washes his laundry, which I've told her not to do because he can do it just fine."
"He just has to show how much money he's suppose to be making so we know he's actually doing something."
"We have THREE set rules, do not leave you mess everywhere, if you are going out late don't come it loudly, and do not touch my wife's stash."
"We have told him exactly why and if he wants something in there he can write it down on the list of groceries that we have and we go every Friday but don't touch that as it is specifically for her."
"While I'm at work my wife texted me asking to pick up a list of things all from her stash."
"I was confused because she just got more but when I got there everything was gone, all of it."
"Ever candy she had in there "vanished"."
"I asked her where they went and she had no idea where they went."
"Thank god she had some on her purse."
"I asked my brother and he started laughing, saying he took them as a 'prank'."
"Those are meant to be funny, not health threatening."
"I told him that he cannot ever do that again and if that happens he won't have access to the pantry and he's this is incredibly immature."
"I told him what happens if she doesn't keep her blood sugar up."
"He apologized to her."
"We stocked up."
However, the OP's brother did not stay true to his word, and the OP felt there was only one appropriate consequence for his actions.
"A week later, gone again."
"I went straight to him, he said he ate them."
"I told him he's now going to be buying his own groceries, he tried to plead and say he just had a 'sweet tooth' and that's the only thing he could find."
"I gave him a final warning and said that if this happens again, he won't be welcome here."
"I suggested he go to my parents house then, my wife said he will just bring her stash into our room."
"We were good for about a month, until my wife texted me again while at work, understandably upset, and again, he took her whole thing."
"This time was it, told he he's going to have to stay with our parents."
"Our parents welcomed him."
"However now he's told our whole family, and they are all blasting me on social media, even on Reddit about how much of a horrible brother I am for kicking him out and I could have just put a lock in my bedrooms."
"I love my brother, I want him to succeed, but i can't keep helping him when he is literally making our home un-safe."
"I don't see why I have to child proof my house from a 32 year old man."
"I gave him three strikes."
"However these messages are getting to my head. was I being an ass here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not at all the a**hole for kicking his brother out of his house.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP's brother was dangerous to the health of the OP's wife, and since he ignored the warnings not once, but twice, there was clearly no other choice but to kick him out.
"NTA."
"Your brother is a candburglar and can't be trusted!"
"Your wife needs her stash for medical reasons, your brother has no regard for your wife's health."-Punisher6111
"NTA."
"You are right."
"You should be able to expect better from a 32-year-old man."
"Let your family deal with him, and if they continue to harangue you about this and won't listen to your side, block them."- ChapSteve711
"NTA."
"He's deliberately causing situations that can lead your wife to go into hypoglycemia when he can simply choose other alternatives to engage his 'sweet tooth' like get things for himself."
"All the relatives that are berating you on social media better chip in on his living expenses or welcome him at their homes for all the things they have to say about the whole situation."-shealwayscomplains
"My man, were he my brother he'd have been out in one."
"If you are the a**hole it's only because you didn't kick him out sooner."
"Imagine how different the conversation would have been if your diabetic wife had to be rushed to the hospital, or worse, because something she relied on wasn't there, for a 'prank'."-ARandomWalkInSpace
"NTA."
"Your brother is an adult child."
"The least he can do is to respect you and your wife while he stays with you for free, and he can't even do that."
"You're 100% in the right to kick him out, and I would have done the same thing."
"He needs to grow the hell up, and your family needs to stop enabling him."
"Also this sounds eerily like my family."- Solaris_Luna
"NTA."
"You warned him when he moved in and made it clear that if he wanted something all he had to do is ask."
"He proceeded to not listen and, even though you warned him the first two times, take from your wife's stash 3 times."
"This proves he is in the wrong here."
"The fact that your family is blasting you on social media shows that he, most likely, has not told the entire truth about the situation and making it seem like you are in the wrong and an AH for what you did."
"You had every right to kick him out and I hope your family will know the whole story soon."-Peachie_roses
"NTA."
"Replace 'candy' with insulin injections or asthma pump and you get to the same place."
"What the item was is irrelevant."
"It's a medical need and kept for this purpose and to be honest, even if it wasn't."
"He was asked not to touch it and he disrespected that in a house where he is a guest."-notnotwolverine
"It absolutely kills me that anyone would expect you to lock your bedroom door to hide your possessions/snacks/whatever, from a house guest."
"I mean, that is your own freaking home."
"How can anyone come to that as a logic resolution baffles me."
"You can not be TA in this situation."
"And neither can your wife."
"It is absolutely brother."- TheLoudCanadianGirl
"NTA."
"He's 32 and he thinks withholding health crucial things is funny?"
"He showed no respect for your wife, deliberately breaking one of the three rules for what was a pretty cushy arrangement, to prove an unfathomable point."- ScorchieSong
"NTA."
"I'm surprised you gave him 3 chances."
"And he's told the family a story to make you look bad, by the sounds of it, they don't know the facts."
"I know he's now out of the house, but I would suggest that she keeps a second stash elsewhere, somewhere less obvious, like in with her undies / sanitary care, just so if he comes over for a meal or whatever, he won't leave your wife sugarless."
"I saddens me greatly that some people have no concept on how serious diabetes is."
"My old neighbor was diabetic and he told us if we ever found him on the ground to go threw his pockets and shove a lolly in his mouth."
"I took him very seriously."-DiamondHeist1970
Considering the OP's brother didn't take his threats remotely seriously, it's easy to imagine that he didn't take his warning's about his wife's health condition seriously either.
Sad as it is that it had to come to this, hopefully being thrown out of the house was the wake up call he needed.
Here's just hoping that the family who appear to be taking his side don't enable him, and prevent him from learning a lesson.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp