Infidelity may be a betrayal of just the person's spouse, but it does still affect others.
Children of the cheater are, of course, the most disrupted, but that doesn't mean extended family isn't also impacted.
When a sibling, aunt, uncle, or cousin leaves their spouse—a member of the family—to marry their affair partner, the extended family is expected to set aside any feelings they had about the former spouse and embrace someone they know participated in an extramarital affair with their relative.
Family gatherings post-affair can be so...
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A man whose brother divorced his wife to marry his affair partner turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after the new wife made a shocking claim about his own marriage.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwaway-sil- asked:
"AITAH for calling my sister-in-law (SIL) a mistress in front of everyone after she said I 'deserve' a paternity test?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"English is a second language; please excuse grammar."
"My brother had an extramarital affair, and he divorced my SIL and got married to my current SIL (MISTRESS). He basically ditched his wife and got married to this stupid woman, and our family is trying to accept her because of my brother."
"My current SIL on this Sunday, at our family gathering, asked my wife to prove that our daughter is actually mine. We are both brown—all of us are, but I am on the more fair side. My daughter came out as more brown."
"SIL said to my wife that it would be nice if she takes paternity test to prove it to 'our' family that the child is mine. She said that my daughter should've inherited from me and had to be a little 'fair' as in skin."
"My wife couldn't say anything because of sudden shock, but I told SIL that my wife doesn't need to prove anything and she's not gonna be 'proving herself'."
"SIL said that it's best that I find out about my heritage now rather than after. I said she's a mistress so she is maybe experienced or inexperienced."
"My mom pulled me aside and she asked me, 'Why would I say that out loud in front of everyone?' I said with my loud voice that a second-rate mistress is questioning my wife, and she should not be having an affair with married men."
"I left with my wife, and my brother asked me and my wife to apologise to his wife. I said I will never apologise to anyone and I won't let my wife do so even if she wants to."
"He said he didn't want to stay with someone (his ex) because of an arranged marriage. I replied with that I don't care, his wife is still a mistress and a stupid mistress to ask other women for paternity."
"Am I a**hole?"
"My family is broken, in fact, we broke off because of that witch mistress, but I will never apologise to her or my brother for her accusations towards my wife."
The OP later added:
"My mom wasn't OK with that mistress's accusations. I don't think my mom would actually question my daughter's legitimacy."
"I think she did so for her other son and just forgot about me for a bit."
"My mom called me out for speaking of my brother and his wife's relationship in front of everyone. She said Why would I speak of it in front of everyone. She was thinking of embarrassment towards our family."
"And my mom would, even when she doesn't want to side with her sons. Even if we are wrong, but my brother did something unspeakable, he cheated and had an affair just because his marriage was arranged? And he married his mistress?"
"Arranged marriage doesn't mean forced marriage. If he didn't want to marry my actual SIL, then he should've said so instead of marrying her and having an affair and spitting on her by marrying his mistress."
"My marriage was arranged with my wife. I would never think of cheating on my wife just because I am a bit unhappy some day."
"Get a divorce if you're not happy. Don't get married if you don't want an arranged marriage."
"And this mistress, someone who isn't even a part of my family, asks my wife to prove to her that my daughter is mine WHEN SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR with a married man."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to defend his wife (NTA).
"NTA, glass houses and stones do not mix." ~ StrykerC13
"NTA. So your mom and brother were OK with her questioning the paternity of her grandchild/his niece, but not with you calling her out for cheating? F*ck that & never apologize!" ~ MD7001
"The woman literally accused your wife of cheating in front of everybody—otherwise, how wouldn't the kid be yours? And now people are complaining about you saying the truth—your brother cheated with her?"
"No, your mom took a side there, and it's not yours OR her granddaughter's. NTA." ~ tatasz
"OP did nothing wrong; he was just defending his wife. It was the mistress who was being rude first, she should make apology to OP and his wife, not the other way around." ~ LeahNX
"Honestly your brother IS the one who needs to check paternity if she gets pregnant. After all, she cheated with a married man who says she won't or hasn't been doing it again." ~ RaptorOO7
"Your Mum should have stepped in and told your SIL to stay in her lane. She should have said that it's not her place to question anyone, especially the way she entered the family."
"Do not apologise. If they have a child, you could do the same as her except it would be justified, considering their history." ~ GoddessfromCyprus
"NTA. Even if the woman was not a mistress, she has no place to ask if your wife cheated." ~ SemperSimple
"Is your mom willing to not see her grandchild on holidays because the mistress SIL will also be there?"
"Just imagine what the mistress SIL will say to your child (in the years to come) about your child's paternity. This is not something that can be swept under the rug as if it never happened."
"Continue to protect your wife and child, even if that means that you need to sit out family gatherings for a while or a lot of years." ~ Puzzled-Safe4801
"My thoughts too. She insulted your daughter, too, and kids definitely internalize this type of thing. She doesn't need to grow up thinking she needs to bleach her skin or she'll be 'too dark' and ugly."
"Or worry that her dad is not her 'real dad' because her aunt said something cruel. Stay away from these people who are bent on hurting others because people have hurt them." ~ BrightLiferMommy
"Sorry, but you're mom is wrong. Your SIL made a public accusation against your wife, so it was absolutely correct for you to call her out in public."
"Doing so in private only serves to protect your SIL, and we all know she doesn't deserve that protection, because her accusation is egregious."
"You're a good man, OP. I wish you, your wife, and daughter a happy life." ~ PresentEfficient9321
"In certain families, they would rather believe that a 'too brown' grandchild was due to infidelity than their own (in their eyes) not so brown genes." ~ _Useful_Researcher_
"So your mom isn't OK with the cheating, isn't OK with you calling out the cheating in front of others, but is OK with the mistress accusing your wife of cheating in front of everyone?"
"If mom is afraid of shame to the family, she should have also had words with the mistress and your brother about what the mistress said in front of everyone. You stated facts, she was making unfounded accusations and likely starting rumors about your wife cheating on you."
"Honestly, it sounds like the mistress was projecting what she would do onto your wife."
"Either way, your mom, brother, and his mistress are in the wrong and owe you and your wife an apology. You wouldn't have said what you said without the mistress saying what she said." ~ trapped_4_life
"Your mom was saving face and keeping the peace, but in her decision to do those, she showed it was more peaceful to appease your brother's spouse than to defend her grandchild. That's messed up."
"How dare your brother's wife involve your child in manufactured fake drama? That's disgusting." ~ padam__padam
"The absolute gall of cheaters to accuse others of their same behavior never ceases to amaze me. And sorry, but your mother is an enabling idiot to call you out when her cheating a-hole son's now-legal sidepiece made such an inflammatory accusation in front of everyone."
"I hope by being broken off, your enabling mother is part of that. As for your brother and his new wife, better off to be alone than to have them around. NTA."
"Maybe a break from OP's brother and his new wife is the best that can come out of this situation." ~ ScarletteMayWest
As one wise Redditor noted:
"It is better to lead a gift horse to water than put the cart before it and beat it until it's dead."
Not sure what that means, but it sounds like solid advice.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp