Infidelity may be a betrayal of just the person’s spouse, but it does still affect others.
Children of the cheater are, of course, the most disrupted, but that doesn’t mean extended family isn’t also impacted.
When a sibling, aunt, uncle, or cousin leaves their spouse—a member of the family—to marry their affair partner, the extended family is expected to set aside any feelings they had about the former spouse and embrace someone they know participated in an extramarital affair with their relative.
Family gatherings post-affair can be so…
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A man whose brother divorced his wife to marry his affair partner turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after the new wife made a shocking claim about his own marriage.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwaway-sil- asked:
“AITAH for calling my sister-in-law (SIL) a mistress in front of everyone after she said I ‘deserve’ a paternity test?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“English is a second language; please excuse grammar.”
“My brother had an extramarital affair, and he divorced my SIL and got married to my current SIL (MISTRESS). He basically ditched his wife and got married to this stupid woman, and our family is trying to accept her because of my brother.”
“My current SIL on this Sunday, at our family gathering, asked my wife to prove that our daughter is actually mine. We are both brown—all of us are, but I am on the more fair side. My daughter came out as more brown.”
“SIL said to my wife that it would be nice if she takes paternity test to prove it to ‘our’ family that the child is mine. She said that my daughter should’ve inherited from me and had to be a little ‘fair’ as in skin.”
“My wife couldn’t say anything because of sudden shock, but I told SIL that my wife doesn’t need to prove anything and she’s not gonna be ‘proving herself’.”
“SIL said that it’s best that I find out about my heritage now rather than after. I said she’s a mistress so she is maybe experienced or inexperienced.”
“My mom pulled me aside and she asked me, ‘Why would I say that out loud in front of everyone?’ I said with my loud voice that a second-rate mistress is questioning my wife, and she should not be having an affair with married men.”
“I left with my wife, and my brother asked me and my wife to apologise to his wife. I said I will never apologise to anyone and I won’t let my wife do so even if she wants to.”
“He said he didn’t want to stay with someone (his ex) because of an arranged marriage. I replied with that I don’t care, his wife is still a mistress and a stupid mistress to ask other women for paternity.”
“Am I a**hole?”
“My family is broken, in fact, we broke off because of that witch mistress, but I will never apologise to her or my brother for her accusations towards my wife.”
The OP later added:
“My mom wasn’t OK with that mistress’s accusations. I don’t think my mom would actually question my daughter’s legitimacy.”
“I think she did so for her other son and just forgot about me for a bit.”
“My mom called me out for speaking of my brother and his wife’s relationship in front of everyone. She said Why would I speak of it in front of everyone. She was thinking of embarrassment towards our family.”
“And my mom would, even when she doesn’t want to side with her sons. Even if we are wrong, but my brother did something unspeakable, he cheated and had an affair just because his marriage was arranged? And he married his mistress?”
“Arranged marriage doesn’t mean forced marriage. If he didn’t want to marry my actual SIL, then he should’ve said so instead of marrying her and having an affair and spitting on her by marrying his mistress.”
“My marriage was arranged with my wife. I would never think of cheating on my wife just because I am a bit unhappy some day.”
“Get a divorce if you’re not happy. Don’t get married if you don’t want an arranged marriage.”
“And this mistress, someone who isn’t even a part of my family, asks my wife to prove to her that my daughter is mine WHEN SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR with a married man.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to defend his wife (NTA).
“NTA, glass houses and stones do not mix.” ~ StrykerC13
“NTA. So your mom and brother were OK with her questioning the paternity of her grandchild/his niece, but not with you calling her out for cheating? F*ck that & never apologize!” ~ MD7001
“The woman literally accused your wife of cheating in front of everybody—otherwise, how wouldn’t the kid be yours? And now people are complaining about you saying the truth—your brother cheated with her?”
“No, your mom took a side there, and it’s not yours OR her granddaughter’s. NTA.” ~ tatasz
“OP did nothing wrong; he was just defending his wife. It was the mistress who was being rude first, she should make apology to OP and his wife, not the other way around.” ~ LeahNX
“Honestly your brother IS the one who needs to check paternity if she gets pregnant. After all, she cheated with a married man who says she won’t or hasn’t been doing it again.” ~ RaptorOO7
“Your Mum should have stepped in and told your SIL to stay in her lane. She should have said that it’s not her place to question anyone, especially the way she entered the family.”
“Do not apologise. If they have a child, you could do the same as her except it would be justified, considering their history.” ~ GoddessfromCyprus
“NTA. Even if the woman was not a mistress, she has no place to ask if your wife cheated.” ~ SemperSimple
“Is your mom willing to not see her grandchild on holidays because the mistress SIL will also be there?”
“Just imagine what the mistress SIL will say to your child (in the years to come) about your child’s paternity. This is not something that can be swept under the rug as if it never happened.”
“Continue to protect your wife and child, even if that means that you need to sit out family gatherings for a while or a lot of years.” ~ Puzzled-Safe4801
“My thoughts too. She insulted your daughter, too, and kids definitely internalize this type of thing. She doesn’t need to grow up thinking she needs to bleach her skin or she’ll be ‘too dark’ and ugly.”
“Or worry that her dad is not her ‘real dad’ because her aunt said something cruel. Stay away from these people who are bent on hurting others because people have hurt them.” ~ BrightLiferMommy
“Sorry, but you’re mom is wrong. Your SIL made a public accusation against your wife, so it was absolutely correct for you to call her out in public.”
“Doing so in private only serves to protect your SIL, and we all know she doesn’t deserve that protection, because her accusation is egregious.”
“You’re a good man, OP. I wish you, your wife, and daughter a happy life.” ~ PresentEfficient9321
“In certain families, they would rather believe that a ‘too brown’ grandchild was due to infidelity than their own (in their eyes) not so brown genes.” ~ _Useful_Researcher_
“So your mom isn’t OK with the cheating, isn’t OK with you calling out the cheating in front of others, but is OK with the mistress accusing your wife of cheating in front of everyone?”
“If mom is afraid of shame to the family, she should have also had words with the mistress and your brother about what the mistress said in front of everyone. You stated facts, she was making unfounded accusations and likely starting rumors about your wife cheating on you.”
“Honestly, it sounds like the mistress was projecting what she would do onto your wife.”
“Either way, your mom, brother, and his mistress are in the wrong and owe you and your wife an apology. You wouldn’t have said what you said without the mistress saying what she said.” ~ trapped_4_life
“Your mom was saving face and keeping the peace, but in her decision to do those, she showed it was more peaceful to appease your brother’s spouse than to defend her grandchild. That’s messed up.”
“How dare your brother’s wife involve your child in manufactured fake drama? That’s disgusting.” ~ padam__padam
“The absolute gall of cheaters to accuse others of their same behavior never ceases to amaze me. And sorry, but your mother is an enabling idiot to call you out when her cheating a-hole son’s now-legal sidepiece made such an inflammatory accusation in front of everyone.”
“I hope by being broken off, your enabling mother is part of that. As for your brother and his new wife, better off to be alone than to have them around. NTA.”
“Maybe a break from OP’s brother and his new wife is the best that can come out of this situation.” ~ ScarletteMayWest
As one wise Redditor noted:
“It is better to lead a gift horse to water than put the cart before it and beat it until it’s dead.”
Not sure what that means, but it sounds like solid advice.