We should consider ourselves lucky when our friends offer to help us out.
Should being the operative word.
As in many cases, these friends don’t exactly provide “help” so much as take charge of everything, and do things how they want to do them.
Without any concern or input from the person they are supposed to be helping.
A recent Redditor was planning on throwing a festive event.
An event the original poster (OP)’s sister took upon herself to plan the event.
Resulting in the event becoming anything but what the OP had in mind,
Leading her to seriously consider pulling the plug entirely.
Wondering if it would be wrong of her to do so, the OP took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTAH for canceling my vow renewal ceremony and going more private?”
The OP explained how she and her sister didn’t quite see eye to eye on her vow renewal ceremony:
“I (35 F[emale]) and my husband (35 M[ale]) were teens when we met.”
“We were planning a wedding, and at 19 years old, I became pregnant.”
“At the time, we lived with my dad and he threatened to kick us out if we didn’t get married asap.”
“This is after I bought the dress and all that but it was still a courthouse wedding.”
“We are celebrating 15 years of marriage this year, and I wanted to have a little event at our new property to celebrate it.”
“I announced that we were planning for Halloween (we are goth/witchy) in January.”
“My sister (30 F[emale]) and her husband had their vow renewal last weekend (3yrs married).”
“It was beautiful and sweet. I’m happy for her.”
“However, She has assumed the role of wedding planner for my vow renewal.”
“So far, she has suggested I change the date to something more suitable for our dad.”
“My dad and his wife moved 3hrs away where it snows all the time.”
“She’s suggested I use her house for the venue and even sent me dresses she thinks I should wear.”
“She has told me ‘this isn’t about you, it’s about being considerate of others’.”
“In all my stubborn glory, I said, ‘You know what, you’re right, it’s not about me, it’s about Dad, so I’ll just do something more private and intimate with two close friends instead.'”
“Now, the idea of going somewhere random into the woods with 2-3 friends, getting all dressed up, and doing a small ceremony sounds AMAZING and less drama.”
“So, WIBTAH if I cancelled it all and had the fall/halloween theme in the woods without telling anyone else?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for turning her vow renewal ceremony into a smaller party.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s renewal party should be what she wants, not her sister, and if her sister couldn’t see that, then she shouldn’t be the one planning the ceremony:
“There’s the option of also growing a spine and telling her to keep her opinions to herself and taking back the planning and doing what you want, and if she doesn’t want to attend, so be it.”
“Same for your dad.”
“But going to the woods sounds lovely, too.”
“NTA.”- NaryaGenesis
“NTA.”
“Some people view weddings as the joining of families. Some view them as the joining of individuals.”
“Tell her your first wedding was about everyone else’s wants and needs, this one is about yours.”- hypotheticalkazoos
“‘This isn’t about you, it’s about being considerate of others’.”
“LOL, wat?”
“YWNBTA. It’s YOUR vow renewal.”
“Do what you want.”- TheDrunkScientist
‘NTA is your life, your vows, your marriage.”
“And may I say, congrats on making it last so long.”
“May we all be so lucky (I probably never will be; I am an acquired taste).”
“But for what it’s worth, many peaceful years for you all.”
“Don’t need a wedding planner for a vow renewal?”
“It’s not a wedding after all.”
“Just hit her with that logic.”
“Also hit her with a ‘if it’s not about me, guess I shouldn’t show up then’.”
“If you are feeling petty like I would be.”
“I’m a 26m, for the record, and people like her I love to f*ck with.”
“Hearts in the right place, sure.”
“Shame the sense of self-importance has overridden all brain activity required to undertake the task at hand.”- CharacterAerie1915
“NTA.”
“Do EXACTLY what you want to do.”
“Start by telling your sister just how much her services aren’t needed.”
“Do whatever you want and have no regrets.”
“Best wishes for your upcoming (re)nuptials.”- RoyallyOakie
“No, you will NOT be the AH.”
“This renewal is about you and your husband, and…your Dad.”
‘I like your idea!”
“And, congratulations on making it 15 years after marrying so young!”
“Also, it’s interesting your sister did a renewal after only 3 years?”- Independent-Moose113
“Easy YWNBTA.”
“From what you suggest, you never invited her to plan your vow renewal; she just inserted herself and started making demands.”
‘Yeah maybe you should have stood up for yourself in that moment, but with steamroller family members, I get it.”
‘You probably hoped that she would respect your wishes and take some of the planning duties off her.”
“She didn’t.”
“‘She has told me “this isn’t about you, it’s about being considerate of others”‘.”
“Pardon me, but:”
“BULLSH*T.”
“Being considerate of others would be making sure there’s a wheelchair ramp for the grandmother you already really did want to invite or that there was an alternative food option for someone with an allergy, when you were already planning to serve food.”
“Being considerate does NOT include an obligation to plan the whole thing around the tastes and conveniences of somebody who is not in the relationship.”
“It IS about you.”
“This whole THING is about you and your relationship.”
“No one else has any right to expect anything from or of you.”
“I really don’t understand what it is about social rituals that have to do with relationships that make people start to feel all entitled, but it happens all the time.”
“You do not owe anybody anything.”
“Which is not a license to be unkind.”
“Remember that when you talk to them.”
“But this is your chance to get the ceremony you never had.”
“This time, let it be yours.”- ArcticAur
“NTA.”
“But really think about what you want for your event.”
“It can be something tiny and private, or you can have an intimate gathering with close family and friends.”
“Your celebration is about YOU and should not be planned for anyone else.”
“If you want your original plan, I would suggest letting your sister know that you and your husband have some ideas on what you want to do ,and while you have appreciated her help with planning, you would really like to take the wheel on this one.”
“Have your Halloween renewal.”
“It’ll be something fun to remember!”- BoobySlap_0506
“NTA.”
“Do what you want to do!”
“My husband and I won’t be doing a wedding reception later like others asked us to do.”
“We did our vows simple and sweet.”
“We both hate being the center of attention, and it was nice.”
“Don’t let anyone take this from you, make it yours!”- ravenofmyheart
“NTA!”
“Do what is meaningful to you and your husband; the woods at Halloween in an elegant goth dress sounds beautiful!”- Practical_Entry_7623
“NTA.”
“Your ceremony.”
“Your choice.”- Additional_Line_7024
“NTA.”
“‘It’s not about you’.”
“Excuse me?”
“Who’s the married couple having the wedding they never got?”
“You.”
“That’s who.”
It’s entirely all about you.”
“And your husband, of course.”
“Go have the small wedding you always wanted!”
“And screw your sister who had a renewal at only 3yrs of marriage.”- R4eth
“Your wedding was about doing what other people expected.”
“This is about you and your husband and what you want.”
“If someone who is invited, doesn’t approve of any details your celebration then they are free to decline the invitation.”
“Please tell your sister that this is most definitely about you, and she can shove her opinions, you know where.”
“Going to the woods with a few people sounds good, but why not do what you originally wanted to do?”
“NTA.”- Ill_Dragonfly_6673
“NTA.”
“Tell her to leave you alone.”- poopoojokes69
“Do what you want.”
“NTA.”
“If you want a private thing, just have people who really get you.”
“If you want a family celebration, tell your sister you do want her help.”- Famous_Specialist_44
The OP’s sister seems to like taking charge.
When planning a vow renewal ceremony for someone else, however, a “take charge attitude shouldn’t get in the way of giving the ones renewing their vows what they want.
This is especially true when one of them is your sister, and the vow renewal ceremony is a chance for her to have the wedding she always wanted.