Some people just like things done a certain way.
The same sort of people that seldom for help, only because they know the ones making the offer likely won’t do things the way they like to.
Some people are so extreme in this regard that they even have trouble tolerating watching someone do things differently from them.
Occasionally taking things into their own hands.
Redditor homtulce wanted to be of help to their girlfriend after moving in with her.
Even taking it upon themself do do various household chores.
However, the original poster (OP) began to feel like their work was being scrutinized by their girlfriend.
Eventually leading the OP to stop doing this work altogether.
After being called out on their behavior by their girlfriend, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend I won’t do dishes anymore if she keeps double-checking my work?”
The OP explained why they were starting to feel subpar in their girlfriend’s eyes:
“We moved in together last month.”
“She likes to cook and is good at it, so our original agreement was she would cook and I would do the dishes.”
“That’s fair.”
“Except that every single time I did the dishes she would pretty much ‘check’ on my work, like following behind me after I started the load.”
“And sometimes she would unload it and re load it the way she thought it was appropriate.”
“And whenever I was hand washing she always insisted in being there and inspecting everything that wasn’t up to her standard.”
“So I finally had enough and told her that I won’t be doing dishes anymore if that’s how things will go.”
“Or I can cook for myself and do my own dishes that she won’t get to touch (she can have her separate dishes).”
“She said she was just trying to be helpful and that I was rude and sort of an AH for what I said and the way I said it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to where they felt the OP fell by refusing to do the dishes.
Some had trouble sympathizing with the OP, believing there was probably a reason their girlfriend was always checking their work:
“YTA, do you really think she WANTS to be double checking it?”
“Its because you’re doing a shit job potentially, my ex was the exact same way.”
“She couldn’t wash dishes for shit, and I ended up having to take dishes OUT of the dishwasher to scrub them and rewash them. It was a f8cking pain in the a**.”
“If you do them right the first time, she won’t hound you.”
‘This is something you learn growing up around your parents.”
“I’m assuming this because its far more likely than her just wanting to stand around doing all of this extra work if they are always fine.”- ChicknSoop
“So you’re upset that your weaponised incompetence isn’t working properly & she’s calling out your BS?”
“YTA.”- Impressive-Rock-2279
Others, however, felt the OP’s frustrations were justified, and the OP’s girlfriend should not be so overbearing:
“NTA.”
“I’m anal about how the dishwasher gets loaded, and I know it.”
‘I don’t like how my wife, mom, or MIL do it, so I generally talk on that chore myself, with the exception of big holiday meals.”
“If someone else does the dishes, I gracefully thank them and call it a day, even if I’m going to die a little on the inside looking at how inefficiently it was loaded when it’s time to put the dishes away.”
“Unless you’re seriously screwing up, i.e., consistently putting things on the top rack or else they get damaged by the extra water pressure and heat on the bottom, your GF has no leg to stand on here and is majorly overstepping.”- max_power1000
“Lmao at everyone just automatically assuming OP can’t clean properly.”
“Some real strong projection at work, and it’s kind of absolutely unhinged.”
“This is a clear NTA case based on the information we’ve been provided.”
“Your girlfriend is hovering and being unreasonable.”
“If you’re actually cleaning properly and she is just insisting that she sees your work that’s an OCD level of cleanliness.”
“Likewise, when loading the dishwasher, some people have different ways of doing it (again, assuming that what you’re doing isn’t completely dumb), so for her to be reloading it after you is just ridiculous.”- Sabor117
“NTA.”
“I had a single dishwashing incident with my husband once, where I was washing dishes and he came over and started rearranging the dishes in the dish rack.”
“I stopped, took a step back, and asked if he was taking over.”
“He quickly explained that he was just stacking them more efficiently, then he left me alone.”
‘Had he persisted, I would have walked away. If someone is gonna criticize the way I do dishes or load the dishwasher, they are welcome to do the task themselves.”
“Your girlfriend should be glad that you do dishes in the first place, and leave you the hell alone while you are doing them.”- deannainwa
“NTA.”
“I can totally relate.”
“My bf has done this, and it’s insanely annoying.”
“He still feels like his way is the right way to do things.”
“And if you don’t do them his way, you’re wrong.”
“If I’m at the sink washing dishes, I like to keep the water running even if I’m scrubbing a dish or whatever.”
“I hate the repetitive motion of having to flip on the water every time I need to rinse off soap.”
“I know it uses a bit more water, and it’s not environmentally conscious, but that’s just how I do it.”
“He will literally come and turn off the water while I’m using it if he sees me washing dishes like that. Like I said, totally infuriating.”
“Taking a shower is the same way.”
“He turns off the water while he’s shaping up.”
“Thankfully, he’s never turned off my shower water.”
“That’d make me right pissed.”
“Folding laundry/shirts is another issue.”
“He’s finally let me fold my shirts the way I like.”
“To him it’s still the wrong way but w/e.”
“I completely sympathize and relate. I hate it when ppl are control freaks about one or two things.”
“I don’t mind you showing me your way, but if I don’t adapt, then it’s my business.”
“You can do it yourself or live with my way of doing it.”- Firecrotch2014
“NTA.”
“Predictably, the comments are breaking along gendered lines.”- Electrical-Book-7011
“This is the reason I don’t do dishes either.”
“We have the same arrangement as you.”
“I do most of the cooking, and he does most of the dishes.”
“But I, for the most part, have stopped loading the dishwasher, as he was always correcting or commenting.”
“I did the same as you and told him if he didn’t like the way I did it, he could do them from now on.”
“NTA.”- Former-Painting-9338
“Never be in the kitchen when someone else cleans it, especially packs the dishwasher.”
“I can’t emphasize that enough, JUST BE ELSEWHERE!”
“Tell your wife to have a cup of her favorite in the living room and shut that door behind her, works wonders for the blood pressure and saves on couples counseling.”
“NTA.”- Namethypoison1
“NTA.”
“She is overly controlling.”
“I could understand if you had kids and she was checking how they washed dishes but this is a bit much.”
“If she has a specific concern, then say it, but otherwise it sounds like she wants to control how you do things.”
“I recently had surgery on my left hand.”
“I was unable to make dinner, wash dishes, etc.”
“My husband took over and did a great job, but I had to have a conversation with myself over the fact that he doesn’t need to do things ‘exactly’ how I do them for them to be done well.”
“Maybe have that conversation with her.”- Crafty_Lady_60
Then there were those who didn’t think there were any a**holes in this situation, understanding why the OP was frustrated, but also understanding why their girlfriend might have felt the need to examine how well they did the dishes:
“NAH.”
“Rule in our house is you don’t criticize the way someone is doing a task unless you’re willing to take over that task immediately.”- nrdcoyne
“She’s not being particularly helpful if she doesn’t tell you why she’s checking the dishwasher every time and rearranging the contents regularly!”
“I really hate that kind of micromanaging – for heaven’s sake, if I’m doing something wrong with the dishes, TELL ME, and if I can’t do a job we agree is mine, fine, you do it.”
“That would be my instinctive response too.”
“I suppose NAH, even though she isn’t communicating very well.”- SavingsRhubarb8746
No one likes the feeling of someone constantly looking over their shoulder, which can often impede things from getting done properly.
Even hygiene and cleanliness should be taken seriously.
It seems there is a happy middle ground to be found between the OP and their girlfriend, and it can all be resolved through a civil discussion.