We've all known one of those "brutally honest" people who obviously use their honesty as a shield to make rude comments.
But when we finally put them in their place, it's important not to stoop as low as they do, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Practical_Parsley207's husband was recovering from an emergency surgery, and her brother-in-law decided it was acceptable to comment on their love life.
When the Original Poster (OP) commented to shut him up, that left everyone demanding an apology; she wondered if she took her clapback a little too far.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for my response to my sister's husband's comment on my husband's 'manhood'?"
The OP's brother-in-law was one of those "brutally honest" types.
"My husband has been sick for a few months now and recently had surgery."
"My parents hosted dinner for him and invited the whole family."
"My sister's husband Mike, is the 'tell it as it is' type of man, basically the brutally honest type."
"My sister says she loves him for his honesty, but because of it, we've had issues in the past."
When Mike commented on the OP's husband's condition, the OP did not let it slide.
"After dinner, we were sitting down while my husband was in another room (he was getting some rest)."
"Mike looked at me and asked if my husband was 'still good in bed' because he had read that when men get sick, their performance would get lower."
"I was floored by his question."
"Everyone was looking at me in silence. It was absolutely awkward."
"My sister smiled at me as a sign to let it go, but instead, I responded, 'Well, at least better than men who can't even impregnate their women.'"
"Now this is where I might be the AH, as Mike and my sister have suffered from infertility for 10 years, and it's on Mike's side."
The family lashed out at the OP for her comment.
"This response caused a huge argument, and although Mike stormed off and didn't say anything, my sister went off calling me abhorrent and shaming me for 'going low' and using her husband's infertility against him."
"I told her he insulted my husband's manhood, but she said I took this whole thing out of context and made it personal since he was just talking about men in general."
"After the argument, she and Mike left, and my mom demanded I apologize."
"My husband didn't even know what we were arguing about. Mom told him I was arguing with my sister over dessert."
"Mom said I was in the wrong for hurting my sister's feelings with what I said and told me to apologize, but I still refused."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that Mike was the typical "brutally honest" guy who couldn't take criticism.
"I read a thing a few years ago that said, 'People who pride themselves on being brutally honest are usually more interested in the brutality than the honesty,' and I haven't found the lie yet." - runawayforlife
"Asking about anyone's sex life unprompted that isn't your own makes you a big AH."
"BIL is a rude, pretentious douchecanoe who had the table turned on him in the same way he has been for umpteen years."
"OP is definitely NTA." - ImtheDude27
"BIL didn't like what he got, but it seems to me that it would have been likely the only thing that would shut him up. Any other response would have 'proved' his made-up hypothesis, whether OP said yes (well, duh), no (nah, see, I know you're lying to save face), or none of his business (your non-answer just told me everything I needed to know)."
"He started the d*ck measuring contest, he can live with the results. Thank f**k he's incapable of fathering a child, given that attitude. One fewer child in the world with complexes around inadequacy in paternal affection." - your_average_plebian
"He dishes it out but clearly can't take it. If he's all about 'brutal honesty,' then he should be able to handle it when it's aimed at him. Actions have consequences!"
"He needs to learn that you can be honest without the "brutal" part! Why do people take such pride in being 'brutally honest' when you can be gently and politely honest?"
"And that being an honest person doesn't necessarily mean blurting out every offensive thought that goes through your mind?!" - BladdermirBlad87
"NTA. Mike had no problem being rude until it was turned back on him. He can dish it out but clearly can't take it."
"There's no need to apologize. Maybe now he'll think twice before making inappropriate comments about other people's marriages, or lives in general." - Qabbalah
"NTA. You just told it as it was... Of course, you were rude, BUT you expressed the same type of rudeness your BIL pretends to enjoy until it is used against him."
"Don't apologize. Next time, he won't be rude toward you or your husband since he now knows you can be rude, too." - Couette-Couette
"Saying you're 'just being honest' or 'I'm the brutally honest type' is just a bulls**t excuse to be rude and inappropriate. Asking about a sick man's performance in bed is not honesty; it's being an a**hole to get a reaction. BIL just didn't like the reaction he got this time, and that's FINE." - Merdin86
Others were shocked that no one sided with the OP over something so inappropriate.
"I'm baffled about that nobody questioned the brother-in-law for saying this. Why is he interested in the sexual life of his sister-in-law? Or her husband? It's a common occurrence discussing bedroom issues after their meals?!" - JaNoTengoNiNombre
"If this had happened in my family (my BIL was the sort of person to do stupid s**t like this), my parents would have called him out for being so vulgar… equally I'd have countered with something like, 'Were you never taught not to talk about sex, politics or money!?'"
"I think OP did go a little brutal by bringing their infertility into it, but the BIL opened the door… she just walked through it!" - MaryMaryQuite-
"Brutally Honest is just Rude."
"I applaud your response to Mike. And I'm glad you didn't apologize to your sister. She is his enabler." - Syyina
"On top of being rude, it is a creepy f**king thing to ask at a family dinner in front of the in-laws. I don't get why everyone is giving him a pass for such a gross question to ask." - Push_Bright
"NTA. How was Mike talking about men in general when he specifically asked if your husband was still good in bed?"
"She and your mom both are downplaying what he said, and I'd go even more combative if I were you, and put the whole thing in a group chat so your husband can see how your mom is trying to cover for your sister and your sister is trying to cover for her husband."
"I'd also include a statement saying that you, too, can tell it like it is, and Mike can't handle someone who can match his energy, he should keep his mouth shut. And then I'd say something like, 'But I've heard men who can't father kids often have trouble staying quiet.' Screw that guy (though not literally)." - saintandvillian
"You do you.... but me? I would message the group as a whole... once..."
"I'd write, 'This is the last time I will discuss this event. You CANNOT expect to make a dig at my spouse without accepting that the response may be given in kind. You have ZERO right to get offended at my response when you decided to verbally throw the first punch and I ended that fight with an equally offensive response. You wouldn't be demanding an apology if I was offended by BIL's question... The fact you're all up in arms and demanding an apology from me is sexist and honestly ridiculous.'"
"'If BIL is so d**n childish as to throw a tantrum because I bit back is evidence he KNEW his question was disgusting and offensive. Take your hurt feelings elsewhere, and honestly, if you can't take it; don't dish it. This is no longer up for discussion. If anyone should be apologizing, it's ALL of you. BIL for being a d**k in the first place; sister for supporting an AH; and mom because your blatant favoritism and misogyny is ugly.'" - CatchMeIfYouCan09
"NTA. They deserved it. Your bil for dishing it out but not being able to take it and your sister for allowing this behaviour because by default she is supporting him. Cut them all off." - NoIntroduction1035
"I don't care what the rest of the family had to say; I admire how she stood up for her man."
"The main way you target and insult a man is anything to do with their manhood, so the BIL opened that door himself by calling out your husband."
"I'm honestly high-fiving you, OP, for standing up for him, I bet your husband is proud as f**k for slapping back and defending him while he was recovering."
"That's good looking out! Successful couple level." - Puzzleheaded_Mode892
While the subReddit agreed that the comment had been a low jab, they hoped that it was enough to teach Mike not to mess with the OP and her husband, and possibly to even think twice before making inappropriate comments to anyone in the future.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.