Content Warning: Coming Out, Breakup, Mentions of Homophobia
Now that Pride Month is here, more people will feel supported to share their coming-out stories.
But a lot of coming out journeys are messy, and feelings can get hurt along the way, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ComprehensiveFig8245 was furious with their sister for stringing along their friend for nearly a year, even though she admitted she couldn’t have feelings for him.
When she broke up with him and came out as a lesbian, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t find it within themselves to show her support for who she was while still being so angry with her for what she did.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to congratulate my sister for coming out?”
The OP wasn’t pleased with their sister’s dating choices.
“My sister and I are twins (17). Personally, I dislike her; she’s always been selfish and immoral. Also, I don’t like liars. “
“My sister (17 Female) came out as a lesbian a week ago, saying that she’s known for years but finally has the courage to come out.”
“A part of this coming out was her dumping her boyfriend of 10 months.”
“She confided to us that she fully knew she was a lesbian before ever dating him. Her aim was to pretend to be straight, and he was a convenient, available person to do that with.”
“So the poor guy was head over heels for her and had to learn that she not only was a lesbian but chose to date him, knowing she was one and couldn’t have feelings for him.”
“I know him fairly well from shared extracurricular activities, and I know he’s very torn up. I think it was very f**ked up of my sister to do that to him.”
“In my personal opinion, it would have been better for her, knowing that she was a Lesbian and would never have feelings for the guy before even dating him, to NOT date him.”
The OP couldn’t find it within themselves to show her support for being true to herself.
“Hence, while my parents and her other friends were all congratulating her and talking about how brave she was, I wasn’t, because it didn’t sit right with me the way she acted.”
“Mutual friends think I’m an a**hole for not supporting her, but I think, as I said, what she did was f**ked up, so I’m not in the mood to congratulate her.”
“Who cares if it was a big step for her? If her big step includes using and lying to people, it’s not worth celebrating.”
“Whether he’ll move on or not is irrelevant. To use an analogy, if I punched someone in the face, they would move on, and their face would heal. That doesn’t mean it was right for me to do it. Same principle here.”
“No part of her self-actualization required her to pretend to like a guy she knows she’ll never have romantic feelings towards.”
The OP felt that their sister should at least own up to what she had done.
“Most teenagers know that lying to and leading somebody on for almost a year is f**ked up. In addition, she hasn’t even acknowledged her choice was wrong or apologized, so this isn’t a learning moment for her.”
“The fact remains that she woke up every single day and decided to lie to him that she had romantic feelings for him. Leading somebody on is wrong. Lying to them is wrong.”
“She may have just come out, but she should feel bad for being somebody who uses and manipulates other people.”
“AITAH for not showing her more support?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that this situation was more complicated than “right and wrong.”
“NTA. She’s 17 and made a bad decision to use another person as her cover. Teenagers make bad decisions and mistakes at this age which should not always be held against them long term.”
“However, in the short term, you are entitled to your feelings of being upset about her actions.”
“It doesn’t sound like you don’t support her; you’re just upset with her actions towards your friend. Two things can be true at the same time.” – WinEquivalent4069
“At 17, she was probably doubting it herself. Her ex-boyfriend unfortunately ended up being collateral damage.”
“You don’t have to congratulate her, but please try to be more empathetic and understanding of what she possibly could’ve been going through at the time.” – tb0904
“I think you might be viewing the situation from too black-and-white a perspective. Yeah, it sucks for the boyfriend, but they are both very young; no doubt he will survive and thrive.”
“You can congratulate her for having the courage to come out and still express your displeasure about the way she treated the boyfriend. It’s not like you have to choose to deliver only one message, right?”
“I’m pretty sure that when she was mustering up the nerve to come out, having been there myself, it’s probably pretty much all she could think about. Cut her some slack. She’s only 17.”
“Many people don’t learn how to navigate tricky situations like this until they’re much older. H**l, some people never learn. Give her kind words, and guide her on how to be better in the future.” – Lise63
“Words of congratulations are not support.”
“However, your sister may feel that you are not accepting her self-discovery in general. Supporting your sister (in my opinion) doesn’t mean you need to agree with her every action, but maybe it should be telling her that you love her no matter what. Unless, of course, you don’t feel that way. Then, that is another issue.”
“Would you be so mad at your sister if she had just said, ‘I don’t have feelings for this person’? She is 17. She is learning who she is and what she wants.”
“If I were you, I would offer my sister neutral words of support. It does take some courage to come out in this world, and maybe she isn’t looking for praise for being a lesbian as much as she is looking for the acceptance and love of you, family, and friends.”
“Don’t put yourself so far outside of her circle that you risk your relationship. Talk to her. Listen. Good luck.” – bettaworkgrl
“NTA.”
“My ex lied to me for years and didn’t tell me she was trans until I was five months pregnant. She actively lied to me the entire time and she admitted she knew for years before we even met. She said she was waiting to get married to tell me (trap me) but I got pregnant first. So I may be biased.”
“I also understand her fear and I’m happy she finally came out, but I can’t stand actively lying to people who love you and have a LOT of trauma from it. Luckily, our kid is amazing and she’s a good co-parent, so you know, life is funny.”
“I probably would have said something like, ‘I’m happy you’re finally comfortable, but people are people, not tools you use, so I hope you grow from this and never do something like it again, etc.'” – EveyBadWolf93
Others agreed and shared their experiences that felt similar to the sister’s coming out story.
“As a lesbian, it’s extremely difficult to come to terms with your sexuality, especially when you feel pressure from family/friends to behave a certain way.”
“Society expects us to date men, get married, and have kids. It’s a lot of pressure. Before I came out, I figured it would be better for everyone if I tried to be straight.”
“It takes courage to finally decide to live for yourself. Give her some grace.” – AdditionalElk8838
“I dated a guy in high school who later came out as gay. At least he didn’t come out and dump me at the same time, though.”
“It hurt for a bit but I eventually came to terms with the fact that he needed to be his authentic self, and I didn’t want to date someone who wasn’t attracted to me.”
“And his parents were NOT supportive, so I get why he tried to ‘be straight’ and was scared to come out.” – OIWantKenobi
“Just want to add, as a bisexual man, I knew I was attracted to men from a very young age. However, it took a lot of courage and until very recently to admit to myself that I was gay. It’s a weird thing and it’s hard to describe if you haven’t been through it.”
“I think it’s okay to be upset with your sister for what she did. However, that doesn’t mean that this wasn’t also an insanely hard decision for her to make. Not knowing you two personally, I’m not gonna guess any details of your situation, but it is likely that she is feeling very guilty about this relationship.”
“I think it’s okay to have a talk about how to treat other people, but I think it’s important that she understands that you’re not upset that she’s gay, but upset at how she treated a loved one. From what I read, it seems like this is your stance on this issue, but if you haven’t yet, make sure that she knows that what is upsetting you isn’t her being gay.” – Kingyugi69
“My ex-wife and I married very young and divorced amicably a few years later.”
“Fast forward 25 years, we’ve both remarried to wonderful women. Both of us have two kids; they adopted two babies, and my wife and I have a young adult and a teenager now.”
“All of us stay in contact with each other and have a good relationship. We even go out to dinner together a couple of times a year.”
“She is my oldest friend, a great person, and as young people, we didn’t fully understand what was so incompatible with us, after just a couple of years. A decade later, it was pretty obvious.”
“Being young is confusing, sex and attraction are more confusing, and being told by older generations, ‘just get married and have kids like everyone else, and your life will make sense,’ does NOT help one bit.”
“In time, you’ll have the benefit of hindsight and experience, same with your sister and ex-boyfriend.” – Full-time-RV
While everyone could agree that it sucked that the OP’s friend got caught in the middle of the OP’s sister figuring out who she was, they weren’t as convinced as the OP that it was a malicious act.
In fact, they encouraged the OP to mentally separate what had happened in the relationship from the sister’s announcement. It was possible to support her identity while not supporting her actions.