Baby names can be a bone of contention or a unifying factor in families.
My own first name is from my Grandmother who got it from her Grandmother who got it from hers going back to the early 1600s when a French fur trapper married the first Kanien'kéha:ka Haudenosaunee woman in my maternal line.
Quick genealogy tip: if you're of French descent in northern North America—the French in the southern regions and the Caribbean had a different focus—and your ancestors arrived before the Industrial Revolution and aren't Acadian, the likelihood of being part Indigenous is high.
Why?
The French settlers from the northern region and pre-Industrial Revolution era largely came to participate in the fur trade as trappers, buyers and exporters and were almost exclusively unmarried French Catholic men. When these men married, they either returned to France to find a wife and remained there to start families or they married North American Indigenous women—as did their sons and their sons' sons.
If North American Catholic church records show the bride was baptized with a Saint's name and married on the same day as her baptism, it's almost guaranteed she was Indigenous. And that's how my name came to be in our family.
It's not a name of Indigenous origin, but the women who had the name all were. In our family, my Germanic first name is a tie to our Indigenous heritage.
For Indigenous people's who were subjected to settler colonialism, maintaining ties to their ancestry holds challenges created by the governments in places like the United States, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Indigenous languages and culture were outlawed until far more recently than most people realize and Indigenous children were taken to boarding schools—sometimes by force—to be assimilated into White culture.
The result was several "lost" generations with little connection to their cultural heritage.
A mother who wants her son to have ties to his father's culture through his name turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
MaterialBorn1116 asked:
"AITA for kicking my cousin out over a Reddit post?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I(28, female) and my husband (29, male) hosted my cousin (23, female) at our place since last summer because she wanted to find a job in our city and we were the only ones she knew. We aren't close, but my parents begged me to let her stay."
"My husband has very little native Australian blood, he doesn't know the language or culture, but we did name our newborn after his grandfather. Just our son's middle name—John Djarrtjuntjun Harrison (fake first and last names)."
"Well five months after our beautiful boy's birth, I met up with an old colleague who showed me a screenshot of my boy's name on a subReddit specifically to make fun of uncommon or misspelled names."
"Though the post has been deleted, my colleague screenshot it because she thought it sounded familiar."
"In the comments she remarked the OP had also made snide comments about my child's name. With people cheering her on."
"We dug a little further and I could confirm it was my cousin's profile. From her interests to her pictures posted."
"Me and my husband confronted her about it and she said the majority agreed with her that it was a stupid and horrendous name. She also said it didn't matter that it was a cultural name, since my husband can't speak the language and isn't even involved in the culture."
"My husband was livid and we decided to kick her out."
"She has since blasted us on Facebook and family group chat about kicking her out in a foreign city since she was jobless and we are setting our son up for failure with a name like that."
"She also said she was doing us a favour by showing us how horrible of a name it was. However, I don't see that as the case as it was posted almost a year ago and she seemed to have no intention to reveal her thoughts to us otherwise."
"So I would like to know, am I really the a**hole?"
The OP later added:
"I saw their post on the other subReddit. Let me clarify the fake names in my post were John and Harrison because they're very basic White names in Australia."
"Djarrtjuntjun is our son's actual middle name. There's actually quite a few of them here in my city."
"Mandawuy Djarrtjuntjun Yunupingu is a famous person with that same exact middle name for reference purposes."
"The reason why my husband is very distanced from his Indigenous culture—would you guys like to take a guess what colonialism did to Australia's Aboriginals?"
"Even though my husband isn't connected to his culture, he is recognised. His name is in the local community center for Aboriginal descent and we get invited for Aboriginal festivals."
"He also has an Aboriginal middle name which he hardly uses professionally, but he never had a problem with it being mocked."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for kicking my cousin out over a Reddit that may be right. I might be letting my anger overtake my decisions."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Your cousin abused your hospitality by making fun of your son's middle name. There is no excuse for this."
"She effed around and found out the consequences. And she never did plan on telling you about the post - she was just looking for likes and followers for her profile." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"Honesty, OP should respond to her Facebook post with how they kicked her out because she is a racist and mocking aboriginal culture." ~ Wise-ish_Owl
"Did she not know why many Aboriginal Australians don't know their languages? Like, she's young enough to have been educated in school on the stolen generation, FFS. NTA." ~ echidnaberry87
"We destroyed more languages than most regions have ever spoken." ~ BlackJesus1001
"I wasn't even born in Australia, I'm White enough to be used as an emergency beacon and even I know about the stolen generation. Cousin was way out of line, NTA." ~ QuestionableIdeas
"NTA and that subReddit is also not for mocking meaningful middle names with cultural background/specifications." ~ Danube_Kitty
"Wanted to mention that. That subReddit is for misspellings and invented names, cultural names are fine as long as they're written the way they are culturally/traditionally written." ~ Ezra_lurking
"Unfortunately, you can find racists all over the place. NTA." ~ LonelyMenace101
"Please respond to her Facebook post in detail by emphasising how racist she is with the context of the Aboriginals. And like you said, if she was really concerned, she should have gone to you rather than looking for karma on Reddit. Then send her this post so that she knows how she FAFOed." ~ PsychologicalSense53
"NTA. I think I can understand your husband. I'm 50% Native American in the United States and lived on two different reservations."
"However, I know very very little of my culture because my dad's side I didn't get the chance due to custody issues and favoritism from certain family members."
"My mom's side, her and my grandma didn't want to share more. So from my grandma the only things I got from her is my native name, learning to bead barely, and an identity crisis in my early teens."
"I wonder what your cousin would've thought of me then? Because I'm literally enrolled and received benefits, but like I said, I know so little of my traditions."
"If your husband wants to—and I always encourage other natives—check into your local area for support groups. I found out recently there's a group for my tribe to learn our culture."
"I plan to be involved once my little girl gets older so we can attend together. It's never too late to learn and totally okay in wanting to learn."
"I almost gave my baby girl part of my native name—it's Mahto (maa-toe) means bear but my full native name is Mahto Cinca (chin-cha) which is bear child."
"I think it's awesome you are trying to preserve the culture and honoring his grandfather at the same time." ~ TheAnnMain
"Putting aside being incredibly rude and your cousin biting the hand that feeds her, I think your family is missing a key point here. Your cousin is racist."
"She is making fun of a name from your husband's culture because it's 'different'. That is so fricked up. It doesn't matter your husband doesn't have more cultural connections especially considering why."
"My great grandmother was Lakota Sioux. My great grandfather was Holland Dutch and got disowned for marrying her."
"I find her & my great grandfather's stories cool and interesting, but I know very little about Lakota Sioux culture. She didn't know much because she was taken from her family by missionaries as a child."
"That doesn't diminish fact that this is her/my culture; it was just stolen from us. NTA, obviously." ~ KimB-booksncats-11
"NTA. Sorry about all the family backlash you're getting OP. People outside of Australia just don't understand this is a totally different situation to 'my great great great grandpa was from Ireland so I'm Irish even though I know nothing about Ireland or Irish culture'."
"Because of the White Australia policy and the stolen generations, you don't have to be 100% or even 50% blak to be able to connect with community and your Aboriginality. I hope you can ignore all those people, because they have literally no idea what they're on about."
"And for what it's worth, I don't think anyone is going to make fun of your son's name. They'll automatically recognise it as an Aboriginal name because you're in Australia."
"You were already perfectly entitled to use the name you did, but if you're being invited to an Aboriginal festival by Aboriginal people, that's even more of a confirmation. I'd say your husband is also entitled to connect with his mob and learn more about his culture—especially so since he had a relationship with his grandfather."
"They would understand that some people only connect with their identity later in life!" ~ ParmyNotParma
"NTA. Second names are frequently ones that have special meaning to the family, but can be unusual because they are seldom used or commonly known."
"You could be friends with someone for years without knowing their middle name. Your son's name will likely give him a special pride in his heritage." ~ Maximum-Swan-1009
"NTA. Tell her there is this guy who is actually only about 1/4-1/8 Hawaiian from his dad's side with a really weird Hawaiian first name professionals said would ruin his chances at a career. His name is Keanu and everybody knows his name, but no one mocks it." ~ KnightofForestsWild
Indigenous names aren't jokes to be mocked.
The fact OP's cousin chose to is the reason that cousin is now facing consequences.
FAFO, indeed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp