You are who you are.
Your tastes, desires, loves, hates, and all the other gooey bits are yours and yours alone.
So, what happens when the pieces of yourself that you’ve hidden away come to light and the reaction to that realization isn’t safe for you to endure?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Ok-Entertainment9816 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for moving out after my dad found out about my tattoos?”
The Setup.
“I (22F) have been getting tattooed since I turned 18.”
“I have always loved the art of tattoos and I am also someone who likes body modifications in general.”
“I don’t have any visible piercings (I am able to hide them), but like I said, I’ve always loved the subculture and have quite a lot of tattoos.”
“My father (59M) has always hated tattoos, and he doesn’t hide his distaste towards them, which I completely understand, everyone has their preferences and their dislikes.”
Loathe Entirely.
“His is a bit overboard though, where he won’t even accept medical care if the nurse has tattoos.”
“I have hid my tattoos for four years, I wear long sleeves during the summer, and if I am going out I just bring a change of clothes.”
“It’s become part of my routine and it never really bothered me.”
And then the problem appears.
“An estranged cousin came back into our lives a few weeks ago and to stir up drama he showed my father my Instagram page through a very close cousin’s profile.”
“(He didn’t follow me because I have a private profile and would never accept his request).”
“My father was furious and for weeks he hasn’t spoken to me which I knew would probably happen.”
“I have been walking on eggshells around him, and he has said a few things to me that have been extremely insulting.”
Retreat!
“I found an apartment because I didn’t feel comfortable staying there (and I was going to be moving out in April anyways), and left yesterday.”
“I have now been receiving calls from my brother (27 turning 28) and mother (61) telling me that I am making a mistake and it is ridiculous that I think it was a good idea to leave because it is only making my father worse towards them.”
“I offered them a place to stay (since I am renting a three-bedroom basement apartment) and they told me that wasn’t right and I should come home.”
“I made my own choices as an adult and I know I am experiencing the repercussions of my choices, but I feel like my solution was a better idea than staying in a house where I am not welcome.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Ridiculous behavior.
“A very easy NTA here. Not liking tattoos is one thing, but a weeks long campaign of acting like a toddler about it is just stupid.” ~ MikeNoble91
“The fact your mom and brother and are begging you to come back bc of your dad’s treatment towards them now that you’re gone speaks volumes about your place in the household.”
“I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that you’ve been either the scapegoat or the peacekeeper in your household for a long time.”
“And your mom and brother are finally getting a taste of what you’ve been dealing with for a long time.”
“That is not your fault or on you in any way. You’ve offered them an escape route and it’s up to them whether they take it or not. You’re definitely NTA in this situation but the rest of your family sure are.” ~Dewhickey76
A simple choice.
“They don’t think leaving is an option for them, and they’re angry/terrified that you’ve done so. They know your dad will make their lives harder without you around to absorb some of his tantrums.” ~ DiTrastevere
“It’s their choice to stay and your choice to THRIVE! Be free! Enjoy it!” ~ BrookeBaranoff
Adulthood means not having to say sorry.
“NTA.”
“My dad ignored me for a full year when he found out I had gotten a tattoo.”
“I then got talked to about how disappointing and trashy that was. I was at 28.”
“Married. With an advanced degree. And my own house. And a full time job.”
“I feel you.” ~ the_holocene_is_over
“This.”
“NTA. OP, you’re an adult.”
“You can get tattoos, and you can leave home when it’s uncomfortable to be there.”
“Tell your mom and brother they can visit you whenever they want, invite them over for dinner, or whatever else, and move on with your life.”
“Your dad will either get over it, or he won’t, either way, it’s his issue and not yours.” ~ crystallz2000
Abuse is never okay.
“‘I have now been receiving calls from my brother (27 turning 28) and mother (61) telling me that I am making a mistake and it is ridiculous that I think it was a good idea to leave because it is only making my father worse towards them.'”
“‘I offered them a place to stay (since I am renting a three-bedroom basement apartment) and they told me that wasn’t right and I should come home.'”
“Wow, NTA.”
“You are absolutely allowed to, and should do what is right for you.”
“Is your father abusive in other ways too, aside from the verbal & ignoring?”
“I hope the rest of your family can get away from him, but that doesn’t make you responsible for that.”
“You even offered them a place to stay, their only resolve is you moving back home.”
“That’s a terrible idea, and I’m sorry you’re in this position.” ~ ashleighbuck
“I wish more people knew this.”
“Emotional and verbal abuse is still serious abuse.”
“My mom used to scream at me and berate me constantly for absolutely anything I did.”
“She was ruthless. It has HEAVILY affected me in my relationships with others and had taken years of therapy and going low to no contact with her to finally feel better about myself.”
“NTA OP.”
“Your dad’s behavior is completely out of line, and good on you for recognizing that and leaving. Your family is just mad they lost dad’s punching bag. Don’t fall for it.” ~ Foamtoweldisplay
Mother and Brother did escape judgment.
“NTA- your mother and brother want you to be your fathers emotional abuse punching bag and basically told you they want you back to make their lives easier.”
“They are not good people, they don’t want good things for you, ignor them.” ~ AcceptableEcho0
“You are not your mother’s guardian.”
“She is an adult with agency, she is perfectly capable of deciding how to run her own life.”
“If she is staying in a household and a marriage that makes her miserable, it’s because she is choosing to do so. Same with your brother.”
“They may not remember that they have agency, but they absolutely do.”
“You have not “abandoned” them in any way. You are an adult who moved out of the family home, as adults frequently do. They know exactly how to reach you when they want to talk.” ~ DiTrastevere
Not everyone was on OP’s side.
“YTA. Respect your father.” ~ Independent_Ice7303
“I was going to say N T A, but I am going going with YTA because you ran away instead of solving the problem.”
“At the end of the day you lied to him for four whole years and never sat down and had a mature conversation with him.”
“You are within your right to move out, but honestly it wasn’t very right to not talk and apologize for hiding it from him while letting him know that you won’t put up with his hurtful comments.”
“You didn’t really go into that, so my judgement sits at a soft YTA.” ~ Excellent_Airline315
“Honestly, YTA.”
“To make OP’s life easier, OP lied to the father outright for 4 years, while making sure the rest of the world knew the truth about OP by POSTING on INSTAGRAM!”
“Part of being an actual adult is standing up and saying ‘this is me’. Part of being an actual adult is facing the trauma we cause, not running away and leaving others to pick up the pieces.”
“My body, my choice, is not the issue here.”
“OP has instead shoved disrespect and rebellion in the father’s face.”
“Even now, OP hasn’t sat with father, or said, ‘this is me, this is how I express my inner self, I didn’t do this to upset you.'”
“This is a power play OP pulled on father and left mother and brother to deal with it.”
“YTA” ~ rsqt314
So let’s talk about safety and truth.
People will tell you that to be your authentic self you must be proud and vibrant in the expression of your truthful identity.
These people are n
Whether we’re talking about tattoos or orientation or preference it isn’t always safe to be open about those aspects of yourself with everyone in your life.
Remember to be who you are – be proud of yourself and be vibrant – but also be safe.