You are who you are.
Your tastes, desires, loves, hates, and all the other gooey bits are yours and yours alone.
So, what happens when the pieces of yourself that you've hidden away come to light and the reaction to that realization isn't safe for you to endure?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Ok-Entertainment9816 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for moving out after my dad found out about my tattoos?"
The Setup.
"I (22F) have been getting tattooed since I turned 18."
"I have always loved the art of tattoos and I am also someone who likes body modifications in general."
"I don't have any visible piercings (I am able to hide them), but like I said, I've always loved the subculture and have quite a lot of tattoos."
"My father (59M) has always hated tattoos, and he doesn't hide his distaste towards them, which I completely understand, everyone has their preferences and their dislikes."
Loathe Entirely.
"His is a bit overboard though, where he won't even accept medical care if the nurse has tattoos."
"I have hid my tattoos for four years, I wear long sleeves during the summer, and if I am going out I just bring a change of clothes."
"It's become part of my routine and it never really bothered me."
And then the problem appears.
"An estranged cousin came back into our lives a few weeks ago and to stir up drama he showed my father my Instagram page through a very close cousin's profile."
"(He didn't follow me because I have a private profile and would never accept his request)."
"My father was furious and for weeks he hasn't spoken to me which I knew would probably happen."
"I have been walking on eggshells around him, and he has said a few things to me that have been extremely insulting."
Retreat!
"I found an apartment because I didn't feel comfortable staying there (and I was going to be moving out in April anyways), and left yesterday."
"I have now been receiving calls from my brother (27 turning 28) and mother (61) telling me that I am making a mistake and it is ridiculous that I think it was a good idea to leave because it is only making my father worse towards them."
"I offered them a place to stay (since I am renting a three-bedroom basement apartment) and they told me that wasn't right and I should come home."
"I made my own choices as an adult and I know I am experiencing the repercussions of my choices, but I feel like my solution was a better idea than staying in a house where I am not welcome."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Ridiculous behavior.
"A very easy NTA here. Not liking tattoos is one thing, but a weeks long campaign of acting like a toddler about it is just stupid." ~ MikeNoble91
"The fact your mom and brother and are begging you to come back bc of your dad's treatment towards them now that you're gone speaks volumes about your place in the household."
"I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that you've been either the scapegoat or the peacekeeper in your household for a long time."
"And your mom and brother are finally getting a taste of what you've been dealing with for a long time."
"That is not your fault or on you in any way. You've offered them an escape route and it's up to them whether they take it or not. You're definitely NTA in this situation but the rest of your family sure are." ~Dewhickey76
A simple choice.
"They don't think leaving is an option for them, and they're angry/terrified that you've done so. They know your dad will make their lives harder without you around to absorb some of his tantrums." ~ DiTrastevere
"It's their choice to stay and your choice to THRIVE! Be free! Enjoy it!" ~ BrookeBaranoff
Adulthood means not having to say sorry.
"NTA."
"My dad ignored me for a full year when he found out I had gotten a tattoo."
"I then got talked to about how disappointing and trashy that was. I was at 28."
"Married. With an advanced degree. And my own house. And a full time job."
"I feel you." ~ the_holocene_is_over
"This."
"NTA. OP, you're an adult."
"You can get tattoos, and you can leave home when it's uncomfortable to be there."
"Tell your mom and brother they can visit you whenever they want, invite them over for dinner, or whatever else, and move on with your life."
"Your dad will either get over it, or he won't, either way, it's his issue and not yours." ~ crystallz2000
Abuse is never okay.
"'I have now been receiving calls from my brother (27 turning 28) and mother (61) telling me that I am making a mistake and it is ridiculous that I think it was a good idea to leave because it is only making my father worse towards them.'"
"'I offered them a place to stay (since I am renting a three-bedroom basement apartment) and they told me that wasn't right and I should come home.'"
"Wow, NTA."
"You are absolutely allowed to, and should do what is right for you."
"Is your father abusive in other ways too, aside from the verbal & ignoring?"
"I hope the rest of your family can get away from him, but that doesn't make you responsible for that."
"You even offered them a place to stay, their only resolve is you moving back home."
"That's a terrible idea, and I'm sorry you're in this position." ~ ashleighbuck
"I wish more people knew this."
"Emotional and verbal abuse is still serious abuse."
"My mom used to scream at me and berate me constantly for absolutely anything I did."
"She was ruthless. It has HEAVILY affected me in my relationships with others and had taken years of therapy and going low to no contact with her to finally feel better about myself."
"NTA OP."
"Your dad's behavior is completely out of line, and good on you for recognizing that and leaving. Your family is just mad they lost dad's punching bag. Don't fall for it." ~ Foamtoweldisplay
Mother and Brother did escape judgment.
"NTA- your mother and brother want you to be your fathers emotional abuse punching bag and basically told you they want you back to make their lives easier."
"They are not good people, they don't want good things for you, ignor them." ~ AcceptableEcho0
"You are not your mother's guardian."
"She is an adult with agency, she is perfectly capable of deciding how to run her own life."
"If she is staying in a household and a marriage that makes her miserable, it's because she is choosing to do so. Same with your brother."
"They may not remember that they have agency, but they absolutely do."
"You have not "abandoned" them in any way. You are an adult who moved out of the family home, as adults frequently do. They know exactly how to reach you when they want to talk." ~ DiTrastevere
Not everyone was on OP's side.
"YTA. Respect your father." ~ Independent_Ice7303
"I was going to say N T A, but I am going going with YTA because you ran away instead of solving the problem."
"At the end of the day you lied to him for four whole years and never sat down and had a mature conversation with him."
"You are within your right to move out, but honestly it wasn't very right to not talk and apologize for hiding it from him while letting him know that you won't put up with his hurtful comments."
"You didn't really go into that, so my judgement sits at a soft YTA." ~ Excellent_Airline315
"Honestly, YTA."
"To make OP's life easier, OP lied to the father outright for 4 years, while making sure the rest of the world knew the truth about OP by POSTING on INSTAGRAM!"
"Part of being an actual adult is standing up and saying 'this is me'. Part of being an actual adult is facing the trauma we cause, not running away and leaving others to pick up the pieces."
"My body, my choice, is not the issue here."
"OP has instead shoved disrespect and rebellion in the father's face."
"Even now, OP hasn't sat with father, or said, 'this is me, this is how I express my inner self, I didn't do this to upset you.'"
"This is a power play OP pulled on father and left mother and brother to deal with it."
"YTA" ~ rsqt314
So let's talk about safety and truth.
People will tell you that to be your authentic self you must be proud and vibrant in the expression of your truthful identity.
These people are n
Whether we're talking about tattoos or orientation or preference it isn't always safe to be open about those aspects of yourself with everyone in your life.
Remember to be who you are - be proud of yourself and be vibrant - but also be safe.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.