In every relationship, there are issues to overcome.
Every human being has their... "quirks" or certain behaviors.
Sometimes, there are quirks that others can live with.
And sometimes there are quirks that can inspire revenge.
Redditor ColorStorms wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for throwing a cup of cold water on my naked husband?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband has been tested for A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity] D[isorder], but he doesn't have it."
"He has the kinds of problems that are associated with ADHD, however."
"He says writing lists, making a schedule, setting alarms, etc, is physically painful for him and he'd rather just deal with occasional emergencies rather than be proactive."
"The specific problem..."
"He often forgets to push the shower diverter valve down."
"You know, the little rod on the tub faucet that you push down to make water fill the tub, and pull up to make the water come out of the shower?"
"For nearly twenty. F**king. years."
"I have been asking him to push that down."
"Since I was literally a teenager, I have been asking him to push that f**king thing down."
"At least twice a month, I have a VERY unpleasant wakeup/cold shower, because I turn the water on, and I get a cold spray from the shower."
"And every f**king time he's apologetic, and then a week or two later, it happens again."
"He will do better for a while, and then it slips in again."
"He is always telling me that he's working on it, and hasn't he been better about it lately?"
"But somehow he's always working on it, always improving, but it never f**king stops."
"Today I just f**king had it."
"I stepped into the shower, turned it on, and had a very cold and rude awakening."
"I couldn't f**king take it anymore."
"I grabbed the cup by the sink and filled it about 3 inches with cold water, and walked out to where he was standing naked (he had just taken off his pajamas and was going to take his shower after mine)."
"Without warning, while he was looking down, I held that plastic cup firmly in my hand, and grasping it tightly, I jerked that motherf**ker at a 45-degree angle to get that cold water all over his torso and face."
"I told him that his apologies weren't worth the paper they were written on, and I was tired of listening to him congratulate himself for 'getting better' when I had been asking for twenty f**king years to stop doing this s**t."
"I told him I don't accept his apologies, and the fact that it's an accident does not excuse it."
"I told him that from now on, every time I'm taking a cold shower, so is he."
"I refuse to be a second-class citizen in my own home any longer, and if he refuses to make changes to treat me better, I will instead make changes to treat him worse, because I will not tolerate this any longer."
"I'm going to continue to surprise him by throwing a cold cup of water on him every time I get a surprise cold shower."
"I'm tired of f**king *asking/begging for basic f**king respect and not getting it, with the implication that I have to f**king put up with this forever."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, I know I'm probably an a**hole... but am I a justified a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. For nearly 20 years, you could have learned to take a two-second look at it yourself."
"This is a YOU problem, not HIM." ~ OKMace91
"Maybe my shower is just sh*t, but do you really not let it run for a second to warm the water up and stick a toe in to see if it's the right temperature?"
"Sorry, but this seems like it could be a non-issue with a modicum of effort on your part. YTA." ~ UraniumButtplug420
"YTA. You're an adult."
"If you want the diverter down, you can press it down."
"Or you could turn the water on and then step into the shower."
"You're an AH for choosing this hill to die on, and you're an AH for throwing cold water on your husband." ~ UteLawyer
"YTA. Why can't you look at the plunger before you get in the shower?"
"Why is it his responsibility to push it down for you?"
"The short answer is that it's not, and while you may have a thousand valid complaints about your husband and his issues, this is not one."
"This isn't a question of basic respect."
"This is you expecting things to be done for you rather than taking that responsibility yourself."
"If you don't want the cold showers, check the plunger before you turn the water on. It is that fucking simple." ~ rockology_adam
"YTA. Your inability to check is no worse than his inability to remember." ~ OrganicBrilliant7995
"Can we consider the possibility that, when someone has reached the level of throwing a cup of cold water in their spouse's face, that it's not about the one minor annoyance?"
"Like, the post is pretty clear here."
"This is not 'my husband is a caring and supportive member of the household 99% of the time, but has this one blind spot,' this is 'I have spent 20 years turning myself inside out to get this person to make baby steps in pulling his weight, and nothing ever gets better.'"
"She feels trapped and powerless, so she's behaving like a petty a**hole."
"She should have left long before she got to this point." ~ minuteye
"Leaving honestly sounds like a good idea, but don't pull the 'I don't like the person I am around him' card without being willing to take a serious look at your behaviors, your habits, and the attitudes that you have developed."
"Seriously, write out the statement 'My husband annoyed me so I physically attacked him' and stare at it for a while."
"Yes, it was in a way that had no chance whatsoever to hurt him, but the fact that you reached that point over an annoyance and no warning bells went off in your brain to remind you that that isn't how adults handle conflict resolution is a PROBLEM, and it's entirely an internal one."
"Whether you want a new partner or single life, you need to confront that behavior head-on, or it will keep causing issues further down the line." ~ confusedhimbo
"It seems like this is a reaction to more than just the shower diverter."
"I would say other issues are building below the surface, and this was the final straw."
"Maybe reflect on what is bothering you. Is this just one of many small, inconsiderate things he does regularly?"
"I feel your frustration, but at this point, I would say YTA for your reaction, and he's at best inconsiderate for not listening to a repeated request you've made." ~ sapphic-sl*t
"I love posts like this where the OP's expectations are way off base, and they also appear to be an actual real person."
"So refreshing, exactly what this sub exists for, which can't be taken for granted these days."
"YTA by the way." ~ evhanne
"YTA. So this happens 2-3 times a month, not every day."
"He remembers 90% of the time."
"He's not doing it to be vindictive, and frankly, if he sometimes showers before you, then he would be setting himSELF up for a cold shower."
"Instead of this juvenile revenge tactic, just change your own routine."
"It is an equally valid routine to push the diverter down before you start the water every time."
"Plenty of people don't even get in until the water is hot because they don't like cold foot-baths either." ~ 1962Michael
"YTA. This is a childish war over how your personal habits are more important than his."
"You could EASILY, 20 years ago, have started turning the shower on BEFORE you step into the tub."
"But you chose to bully your husband about his habits instead." ~ FiddleStyxxxx
"But like, do people really get IN the shower and THEN turn it on?"
"I've always let it run until it's warm, then get in."
"To avoid the exact thing you just said."
"YTA because you expect him to conform to your standards, but you won't change to accommodate him."
"This is such a small issue, it makes me wonder if y'all have bigger issues, and this little thing is what knocked you over the edge." ~ frecklesmoose
OP returned to answer some questions...
"Q: Why don't I just check myself/why do I expect him to leave it the way I want it left?"
"A: I don't expect him to leave it the way I want."
"What I expect is for him to leave things the way he found them."
"When he walks into the bathroom, it's pushed down."
"That's how I leave it."
"So he doesn't get blasted with cold water."
"But he doesn't leave things the way he found them."
"Instead, he often leaves the last 10 or 20 percent of a task for me to clean up for him."
"Q: Why don't I leave it the way I found it?"
"Why don't you leave it up if he leaves it up?"
"A: If I left things the way I found them, I would live in a sty."
"I would also spend a great deal of my energy making things messier, as I would literally be cleaning up to make space for myself, and then UNDOING that work to put things back as a mess."
"Q: Explain your shower to me/why are you getting in before the water is warm?!"
"A: Just gonna quote u/Ciskakid:"
"Folks, you're misunderstanding her situation. She leans in to turn on the water EXPECTING IT TO COME OUT OF THE SPIGOT. Instead, shower mode is still in place and the water sprays out of the shower and onto her head. It is completely rude of the husband to not switch the water flow back to the spigot when he's finished showering. This is just basic etiquette."
Reddit has some serious issues with your actions, OP.
Your feelings are understandable, but you've let a lot of frustration get pent up.
It may be time for some professional help to mediate this argument.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp