In every relationship, there are issues to overcome.
Every human being has their… “quirks” or certain behaviors.
Sometimes, there are quirks that others can live with.
And sometimes there are quirks that can inspire revenge.
Redditor ColorStorms wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for throwing a cup of cold water on my naked husband?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband has been tested for A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity] D[isorder], but he doesn’t have it.”
“He has the kinds of problems that are associated with ADHD, however.”
“He says writing lists, making a schedule, setting alarms, etc, is physically painful for him and he’d rather just deal with occasional emergencies rather than be proactive.”
“The specific problem…”
“He often forgets to push the shower diverter valve down.”
“You know, the little rod on the tub faucet that you push down to make water fill the tub, and pull up to make the water come out of the shower?”
“For nearly twenty. F**king. years.”
“I have been asking him to push that down.”
“Since I was literally a teenager, I have been asking him to push that f**king thing down.”
“At least twice a month, I have a VERY unpleasant wakeup/cold shower, because I turn the water on, and I get a cold spray from the shower.”
“And every f**king time he’s apologetic, and then a week or two later, it happens again.”
“He will do better for a while, and then it slips in again.”
“He is always telling me that he’s working on it, and hasn’t he been better about it lately?”
“But somehow he’s always working on it, always improving, but it never f**king stops.”
“Today I just f**king had it.”
“I stepped into the shower, turned it on, and had a very cold and rude awakening.”
“I couldn’t f**king take it anymore.”
“I grabbed the cup by the sink and filled it about 3 inches with cold water, and walked out to where he was standing naked (he had just taken off his pajamas and was going to take his shower after mine).”
“Without warning, while he was looking down, I held that plastic cup firmly in my hand, and grasping it tightly, I jerked that motherf**ker at a 45-degree angle to get that cold water all over his torso and face.”
“I told him that his apologies weren’t worth the paper they were written on, and I was tired of listening to him congratulate himself for ‘getting better’ when I had been asking for twenty f**king years to stop doing this s**t.”
“I told him I don’t accept his apologies, and the fact that it’s an accident does not excuse it.”
“I told him that from now on, every time I’m taking a cold shower, so is he.”
“I refuse to be a second-class citizen in my own home any longer, and if he refuses to make changes to treat me better, I will instead make changes to treat him worse, because I will not tolerate this any longer.”
“I’m going to continue to surprise him by throwing a cold cup of water on him every time I get a surprise cold shower.”
“I’m tired of f**king *asking/begging for basic f**king respect and not getting it, with the implication that I have to f**king put up with this forever.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So Reddit, I know I’m probably an a**hole… but am I a justified a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. For nearly 20 years, you could have learned to take a two-second look at it yourself.”
“This is a YOU problem, not HIM.” ~ OKMace91
“Maybe my shower is just sh*t, but do you really not let it run for a second to warm the water up and stick a toe in to see if it’s the right temperature?”
“Sorry, but this seems like it could be a non-issue with a modicum of effort on your part. YTA.” ~ UraniumButtplug420
“YTA. You’re an adult.”
“If you want the diverter down, you can press it down.”
“Or you could turn the water on and then step into the shower.”
“You’re an AH for choosing this hill to die on, and you’re an AH for throwing cold water on your husband.” ~ UteLawyer
“YTA. Why can’t you look at the plunger before you get in the shower?”
“Why is it his responsibility to push it down for you?”
“The short answer is that it’s not, and while you may have a thousand valid complaints about your husband and his issues, this is not one.”
“This isn’t a question of basic respect.”
“This is you expecting things to be done for you rather than taking that responsibility yourself.”
“If you don’t want the cold showers, check the plunger before you turn the water on. It is that fucking simple.” ~ rockology_adam
“YTA. Your inability to check is no worse than his inability to remember.” ~ OrganicBrilliant7995
“Can we consider the possibility that, when someone has reached the level of throwing a cup of cold water in their spouse’s face, that it’s not about the one minor annoyance?”
“Like, the post is pretty clear here.”
“This is not ‘my husband is a caring and supportive member of the household 99% of the time, but has this one blind spot,’ this is ‘I have spent 20 years turning myself inside out to get this person to make baby steps in pulling his weight, and nothing ever gets better.'”
“She feels trapped and powerless, so she’s behaving like a petty a**hole.”
“She should have left long before she got to this point.” ~ minuteye
“Leaving honestly sounds like a good idea, but don’t pull the ‘I don’t like the person I am around him’ card without being willing to take a serious look at your behaviors, your habits, and the attitudes that you have developed.”
“Seriously, write out the statement ‘My husband annoyed me so I physically attacked him’ and stare at it for a while.”
“Yes, it was in a way that had no chance whatsoever to hurt him, but the fact that you reached that point over an annoyance and no warning bells went off in your brain to remind you that that isn’t how adults handle conflict resolution is a PROBLEM, and it’s entirely an internal one.”
“Whether you want a new partner or single life, you need to confront that behavior head-on, or it will keep causing issues further down the line.” ~ confusedhimbo
“It seems like this is a reaction to more than just the shower diverter.”
“I would say other issues are building below the surface, and this was the final straw.”
“Maybe reflect on what is bothering you. Is this just one of many small, inconsiderate things he does regularly?”
“I feel your frustration, but at this point, I would say YTA for your reaction, and he’s at best inconsiderate for not listening to a repeated request you’ve made.” ~ sapphic-sl*t
“I love posts like this where the OP’s expectations are way off base, and they also appear to be an actual real person.”
“So refreshing, exactly what this sub exists for, which can’t be taken for granted these days.”
“YTA by the way.” ~ evhanne
“YTA. So this happens 2-3 times a month, not every day.”
“He remembers 90% of the time.”
“He’s not doing it to be vindictive, and frankly, if he sometimes showers before you, then he would be setting himSELF up for a cold shower.”
“Instead of this juvenile revenge tactic, just change your own routine.”
“It is an equally valid routine to push the diverter down before you start the water every time.”
“Plenty of people don’t even get in until the water is hot because they don’t like cold foot-baths either.” ~ 1962Michael
“YTA. This is a childish war over how your personal habits are more important than his.”
“You could EASILY, 20 years ago, have started turning the shower on BEFORE you step into the tub.”
“But you chose to bully your husband about his habits instead.” ~ FiddleStyxxxx
“But like, do people really get IN the shower and THEN turn it on?”
“I’ve always let it run until it’s warm, then get in.”
“To avoid the exact thing you just said.”
“YTA because you expect him to conform to your standards, but you won’t change to accommodate him.”
“This is such a small issue, it makes me wonder if y’all have bigger issues, and this little thing is what knocked you over the edge.” ~ frecklesmoose
OP returned to answer some questions…
“Q: Why don’t I just check myself/why do I expect him to leave it the way I want it left?”
“A: I don’t expect him to leave it the way I want.”
“What I expect is for him to leave things the way he found them.”
“When he walks into the bathroom, it’s pushed down.”
“That’s how I leave it.”
“So he doesn’t get blasted with cold water.”
“But he doesn’t leave things the way he found them.”
“Instead, he often leaves the last 10 or 20 percent of a task for me to clean up for him.”
“Q: Why don’t I leave it the way I found it?”
“Why don’t you leave it up if he leaves it up?”
“A: If I left things the way I found them, I would live in a sty.”
“I would also spend a great deal of my energy making things messier, as I would literally be cleaning up to make space for myself, and then UNDOING that work to put things back as a mess.”
“Q: Explain your shower to me/why are you getting in before the water is warm?!”
“A: Just gonna quote u/Ciskakid:”
“Folks, you’re misunderstanding her situation. She leans in to turn on the water EXPECTING IT TO COME OUT OF THE SPIGOT. Instead, shower mode is still in place and the water sprays out of the shower and onto her head. It is completely rude of the husband to not switch the water flow back to the spigot when he’s finished showering. This is just basic etiquette.”
Reddit has some serious issues with your actions, OP.
Your feelings are understandable, but you’ve let a lot of frustration get pent up.
It may be time for some professional help to mediate this argument.