Being a single parent is a tough job.
It takes a lot if relying on the village of people who can help.
It can be extra stressful when part of the village isn't all that helpful.
That makes childcare even more of an issue.
Case in point...
Redditor babysmomisgone wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my sister I don't trust her to watch my son?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 19 year old man with a 3 month old son."
"His mother surrendered her rights and is no longer in the picture."
"I work 4am-12pm at a gas station and I raise my son, that's what I do these days."
"Only one of my friends still speaks to me and hangs out with me."
"I live at home with my parents and sister (21) and pay a small rent each month."
"I can't afford to move out with the baby."
"My parents help me when they can."
"My sister doesn't like my son, she once told me she thinks he's an annoyance and a hinderance."
"If he cries she complains."
"If there's baby clothes in the laundry she complains."
'Basically the baby exists and that pisses her off."
"I'm not perfect but I'm trying my best to be a good dad."
"My sister has never offered to help with the baby beyond holding him briefly and she hasn't done that more than about four or five times since he was born."
"The other day my friend called and offered me a really great opportunity for some side-work."
"He works construction and they needed an extra guy for some installation work."
"Four hours and I'd get $400.00."
"I jumped at it, any extra money can only help."
'I started trying to find a babysitter."
"My sister was hanging out in the living room while I walked around the house on the phone."
"I managed to find a sitter who said she didn't want to be paid and went to get the baby ready."
"My sister asked me why I didn't ask her when she was sitting right there."
"I told her I didn't think she'd want to since she'd never offered to help before."
"She told me it was different, this was for work and not just me wanting to sleep or whatever."
"And he was about to go down for his nap and he's pretty easy when first wakes up, she told me it wouldn't be a problem."
"I asked her why she didn't say something between phone calls and she said she didn't think she needed too because we're family and family asks each other for help."
"I reminded her of all the times she'd complained about the baby and me and called him names."
"And told me she wished he'd never been born and asked her why she thought I'd ever trust her with my son."
"She started crying and told me that wasn't fair and I needed to remember that the whole house was dealing with a baby."
"And she was just having a hard time adjusting but she'd never do anything to hurt him."
"I told her she should have spoken to me about her feelings instead of acting like a child, took my son and left."
"When I got home both my parents set in on me because my sister told them I'd accused her of bad intentions to the baby."
"AITA for being honest when my sister offered to babysit?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Throw it back in their face and ask if they would have let someone watch you or your sister if that person said it, followed by nothing to prove they mean well and want to help."
"Her actions behind her words are her intentions."
"She hasn't done anything and her reactions to your son is enough to prove it (why you don't trust her)."
"She's done nothing to show she can, will, nor wanted to." ~ godhateswolverine
"'Baby dude.' What a wonderful name."
"My dude, you are not even 20 yet and you already sound way more mature than lots of adults."
"Kudos for you for defending your son and trying to help him."
"You are absolutely NTA and I hope you and your kid have nothing but a wonderful life." ~ Aliccy
"Yeah. Oof. They couldn't be more wrong if they tried."
"Some people are, yah, but not the majority, not even close."
"And I would put someone making comments like she's made squarely in the camp if not a natural caregiver."
"She doesn't even sound like a particularly caring aunt with the attitude she's evinced so far."
"Venting is one thing, but to say those kinds of things about and around a new parent and their baby is inexcusable."
"Yes, new babies can be annoying, I've dealt with plenty."
"But you can't go around dropping red flags and expect someone to trust you with something so precious to them." ~ RorhiT
"NTA. She only offered because she thinks she'll be paid."
"Your instincts are correct."
"With everything she's said about your son she'd be the very last name on the list."
"Remind your parents of the comments she's made."
"You have no reason at ALL to trust her when it comes to your kid."
"ETA: thinks she'll be paid as she heard brother offered to pay even though she declined payment." ~ godhateswolverine
OP responded...
"See, I did remind my parents of every time she said something negative."
"And they said that was just her being her and I should know that she'd step up when I need her."
"Apparently I'm not supposed to judge people's intentions based on their words."
"I quoted some of the stuff I've heard her say or that she's said to me and they had the audacity to tell me that things overheard didn't count."
"Because people are allowed to vent, and that 'people are natural caregivers, they just the opportunity.'"
"So then I brought child abuse statistics and asked where their opportunities failed and they told me to go to my room."
"Me, a 19 year old man with a child, got sent to my room."
"Jokes on them, me and Baby Dude took a nap together and then we had a bath and it was fantastic."
Reddit continued...
"NTA. 'Her being her' doesn't entitle her to babysit your child who she's shown nothing but disdain for."
"She says she wouldn't do anything to harm him but she also gives off the vibe she'd do the absolute minimum and only like him if he's being easy."
"Don't risk your child because your sister got her feelings hurt for being called out for being an a**hole." ~ Calvo838
"Or she purposefully waited until a sitter was arranged so she could have an easy opportunity to play the victim."
"She could obviously hear OP making calls, and didn't speak up until he found someone."
"Then, she was quick to turn on the waterworks when he called her out on the sh*t she'd said about his kid."
"And THEN, she went crying to mommy and daddy, making OP sound like the bad guy."
"She might as well hold up a huge sign that says 'I'M A BIGGER BABY THAN MY BROTHER'S THREE MONTH OLD!!!' NTA." ~ White_Wolf_Dreamer
"NTA. Kudos to you, OP, for busting your a** to be a good dad."
"Your sister clearly has issues with your kid, so her watching him for an extended period, napping or not, seems like a bad idea."
"You did the right thing." ~ nun_atoll
"NTA ,and I wanted to add to what others have said about you already being a brilliant Dad for stepping up and taking care of your son."
"I can't imagine how hard it must be and yes I'm sure you'll make mistakes along the way, like parents of any age!"
"But your son is obviously loved and that is the most important thing in the world." ~ Many-Rest
OP came back with an update...
"ETA: Apparently God is on my side right now."
"The lady I mentioned in the post who babysat my son for me, she goes to church with my mom and when I dropped my son off I explained that I was having trouble finding a sitter or paying for daycare."
"She called the pastor and explained the situation and two days a week my son can attend the church nursery school from 7am-12pm for free!!"
"And the lady has offered to take my son one day a week during the same time-frame and has also found another lady who will take him for one day a week, same time-frame."
"The ladies both requested $50.00, which I'm happy to pay."
"That means there's only one day a week and three hours in the mornings that I need childcare and my mom has agreed to watch him for the three hours and drop him off!"
"I still have to figure out Fridays but Monday-Thursday are covered."
"I can breathe again."
Well, OP Reddit understands your feelings.
It sounds like you're doing your dad job the best you can.
Hopefully you and your sister can one day find peace.
Good luck to you and little dude.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.