Dating life is hard, and when we meet someone we really care about, we’re willing to invest the time, energy, and patience to build the relationship and take it to the next step.
But sometimes the wait time between steps, like waiting over a year to meet the parents, can be really long, empathized the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit, which makes it even harder if things don’t work out after that.
Redditor Mysterious-Notice419 really cared about his girlfriend and was eager to finally meet her parents and for things to go well.
But when her father immediately insulted him about his career and would not let the matter go, the Original Poster (OP) walked out of dinner and wondered if he should walk right out of the relationship, too.
He asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for leaving my girlfriend’s family dinner after what her dad said to me?”
The OP was eager to finally meet his girlfriend’s parents.
“My girlfriend (27 Female) invited me (28 Male) to a family dinner to finally meet her parents.”
“We’ve been together for almost a year, so I wanted to make a good impression.”
His girlfriend’s dad immediately started asking him questions about his work.
“Dinner started out fine, at least until her dad started asking me about my job.”
“I work in IT, and while it pays well, it’s not some high-status career.”
“After a few questions, he smirked and said, ‘So basically you just sit behind a computer all day… not exactly the kind of guy I imagined for my daughter.’
“Everyone kind of laughed awkwardly. I tried to brush it off with a joke, but then he added, ‘Maybe someday you’ll get a real job so you can actually support a family.’
The OP felt uncomfortable and decided to leave.
“I felt my stomach drop. My girlfriend just said, ‘Dad…’ but didn’t defend me beyond that.”
“I quietly excused myself, said I wasn’t feeling well, and left.”
The OP felt conflicted when his girlfriend confronted him.
“Later that night, my girlfriend texted me, saying I embarrassed her by walking out and that I should ‘just let it go,’ because her dad was ‘only teasing.'”
“I honestly feel disrespected and don’t think I overreacted. But now she’s acting cold and says I owe her family an apology.”
“AIO for leaving?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he deserved a partner who would stand up for him.
“You deserve a partner who values you enough to stand up for you.”
“I would explain that maybe in the past he’s always acted this way, and although she may see it as teasing, that you don’t appreciate being talked to that way and having your career be minimized.”
“Tell her it was disrespectful, and if she would like this relationship to continue down the same pat,h that YOU would like an apology.” – Stormfly16153
“Honestly, I’d understand if she didn’t want to stand up to her family then and there, and cause a scene with her family.”
“But then she absolutely has to apologize to you and say, ‘I’m sorry that you were treated this way, that was totally out of line, and I understand you not wanting to stay.'”
“Either way, the girlfriend doesn’t seem to be taking OP’s side when her dad was clearly disrespectful and rude.”
“I would want to have a serious conversation about this as to the future of the relationship if I were OP. I don’t want to be one of those people on here saying break up every time. Maybe this is the case, but I think a big conversation is in order.” – jm17lfc
“NOR. She just proved that her family is toxic and she’s too cowardly to do anything about it. I’d bail on this relationship. The fact that she scolded you for leaving due to his horrible behavior is something else.” – Merrik4t
“Being raised in an environment like that it takes time to recognize the toxic nature and break free. Before just giving up you should take some time to explain what is going on and see how she responds.”
“My wife was raised in a very patriarchal household I was having an argument with her dad about politics and he kept trying to interrupt me and I finally said I am still talking when I am done I will listen to you and the whole house just went silent like I’d kicked a kitten.”
“Afterwards my wife said that I’d been kind of rude. When I explained that I was being interrupted and asked if that wasn’t rude, she was confused at first. The way she was raised, her father was just allowed to walk all over everyone, and it was expected and accepted.”
“When I pointed that out, she realized that was wrong and was on my side. Brainwashing is a powerful thing, and it might take a little help to recognize how that’s been done.” – beardedheathen
“I’ll give you some advice from someone who has been there exactly like that… and I’m a good bit older than you.”
“Pick your woman carefully. If she cannot back you up and will let her family disrespect you, she will not have your back later in life. I can promise you, trust will erode, resentment will build.”
“I can also promise if a dirtbag like her father was willing to be that arrogant and that much of an asshole the first time he meets you, that he’ll attempt to walk all over you later in life.”
“Have a backbone! Stand up for yourself and don’t take that kind of s**t.”
“I would have walked out too, and on my way out, I would have told him, ‘For your information, I cleared $250k last year, have $1.2 million in my Roth and I’ll have made more money by the time i’m 40 than you’ll see into your retirement…'”
“Then I’d turn to the girlfriend and add, ‘Oh, and honey, thanks for supporting me and having my back (sarcastic tone)… You have a peach of a family I never wish to be a part of… We are done.'” – ConstantTechnical393
“I was the girlfriend in this scenario many years ago. My mother is a narcissist, and I grew up in a toxic family. I didn’t know that it was toxic until late in the game, and I didn’t know how to shift to something healthier until there was an incident similar to what OP experienced.”
“That was a significant moment. From then on, something shifted. I decided that my new husband (we had already married) was the place I belonged, and we were a team. Period.”
“I have since gone no-contact with my mom. No marriage is perfect, but we aren’t looking at the door, and we are about to hit 23 years.”
“Maybe the girlfriend will reflect and choose wisely. If not, take this time and find the right person and family.” – gatorbabe25
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP didn’t want to marry into a family with a bully and at least one enabler.
“The dad is a bully. No way a kind person would behave that way the first time meeting his daughter’s partner.”
“She is used to the awful behavior and, for some reason, cannot see how bad it is. Her doubling down and complaining of you embarrassing her rather than her father embarrassing her is not a good sign.” – SonjaSeifert
“IT is a ‘real job,’ and actually pays very well. My husband is in IT and makes nearly six figures, in the UK where salaries are much lower than in the US. A good IT person can make bank.”
“I think the dad is either shockingly ignorant or wildly envious, and either way, the girlfriend is doing nothing about any of it.” – f**kyourcanoes
“Her dad was incredibly disrespectful and his thinking obtuse. Like what? Is your job not manly enough? Is your job not physical enough? Like, what’s he implying?”
“But to be honest, it’s not worth finding out because they showed you who they are, and you find you’re not compatible. He showed you how stupid his thinking is. Her by allowing the disrespect.”
“The more you know. Now you know enough, enough to move on as I doubt you’ll ever change her father’s way of thinking, and why stick around for tha,t as she’ll never defend you. You don’t want that for life.” – AvocadoJazzlike3670
“My FIL is a great guy who supports me and my wife, his daughter. He’s seen me at my lowest and my highest, and we stood through it. That’s what it’s supposed to be like.”
“You become a part of that family, if they constantly undermine you and your gf doesn’t even stand on your side… just think what that means for the future. Every argument, every discussion is always gonna end with you alone in a corner.” – Areyouserious68
“You were just given the gift of time travel. This will be your life if you move forward with this girl.”
“Her father undermining you as part of a toxic family environment, and your girlfriend/future wife losing all respect after her father disrespects you behind your back and to your face.”
“And…..and……your girl feels disrespected by you? Uno reverse card played.” – No_Lavishness6896
It’s alarming the things that kids can be raised to believe and how they’ll carry those beliefs and practices in adulthood, from fear to a lack of self-confidence to over-submissiveness.
But those characteristics can really hurt relationships, particularly romantic ones, and can be unlearned if the person works at it.
If the girlfriend wanted to stay with the OP, she’d need to decide whether she was on her father’s “side” or her boyfriend’s “side,” and she’d need to be firm on that before they decided whether or not to continue moving the relationship forward.