One of the greatest heartbreaks will always be realizing that a friend does not care about us the way that we care about them.
And that realization has a way of showing up at some of the most hurtful moments, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor bunbun66 was taken aback when her best friend of many years, who'd already expressed her desire for her to move to her area and babysit for her in the future, was not inviting her to her gender reveal party.
When she offered no explanation, the Original Poster (OP) felt she had no other choice but to wonder how much her friend actually cared about her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting to being hurt that my best friend told me I'm not invited to her gender reveal party?"
The OP's birthday was squashed by some sad news.
"Yesterday was my birthday. My best friend (24 Female) and her husband came to spend my birthday with my husband and me (25 Female)."
"Everything started great: she gave me a gift bag she made for me, and we shared a special moment."
"Not 15 minutes later, her husband (28 Male) let us know that next week they're having a gender reveal party and that we are not invited."
"I have been there for her so much through her pregnancy. I'm the only one who's been able to comfort her and answer her concerns. She confides in me all the time, so this was really out of nowhere."
The OP was really hurt by their decision.
"To make things worse, her husband doubled down for them this morning at breakfast, saying that we are again not invited, but they can tell us after the party via a FaceTime call."
"This is literally my lifelong best friend. I've included her in every big life event I've ever had, and she normally does the same. I'm literally invited to her family's Christmas cookie-making with her mom and grandma every year. She's even begged us to move to the area where she lives, so we can be closer and care for each other's kids, but we've struggled to find a suitable house."
"I'm crushed that for no reason whatsoever, we're not invited to her baby's gender reveal, and they decided to tell us to our face on my birthday."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were certain that there must have been more to the story.
"Did they give you any explanation why? I feel like something is missing in your story. Just doesn't quite make sense. But I would definitely talk to her and tell her that your feelings are very hurt! NOR." - Jantares99
"She's your best friend, ask her. She at least owes you an explanation. I would be devastated." - Objective_Arm7923
"This is the epitome of personal, what the f**k?! So she's mad at you or punishing you for something that you're not privy to? This person might be your best friend, but you are obviously not their best friend. I would be silencing their contact and not taking that FaceTime call." - MartinisnMurder
"How in the world could it not be personal?? Girl, what the f**k is her deal? Pregnant or not, you've done so much to support her, and I'm sure she'll demand you babysit, but you can't go?" - WhoAmIToYou_xx
"NOR. It sounds like that husband is threatened by your close friendship with his wife. He doesn't like it and wants your friend all to himself. My late husband was like this. Controlling and 'why do you need friends, you have me!' attitude."
"She's going along with it because you can't win with that kind of man unless you divorce him." - EffectiveTradition78
"My first thought was that the husband is trying to break up your friendship. Like, he does not like it and is trying to ruin it. I would at least keep the lines of communication open in case she needs to get out of a sn abusive situation." - Puzzleheaded_ant6663
Others believed that the friend wasn't the best friend the OP thought she was.
"You said in a comment that she wanted you to move to her area and buy a house, so you could spend more time together and babysit for her, but you were struggling to find a house."
"Do you think this might be the reason? Like a punishment for not doing what she wanted you to do?"
"Also, sometimes, some people get butthurt when you don't stop living or uproot your life for their precious little one. My brother stopped talking to me a decade ago, because I moved away for work around the same time my nephew was born. He was offended I didn't stick around to watch the kid grow up and put my career first." - Big_Appointment_3390
"This is not a friend. NOR, but you need to step back from this relationship. You're giving more than you're receiving, and I think maybe you're finally starting to see it." - flyingredhead79
"They wanted to use you for free childcare, and when you didn't bend to their whims, they decided to 'punish' you."
"They are not friends. Even tho it hurts, you need to cut them off. I'm sorry to say this, but I know and have dealt with the type. It never ends well. Better now than later." - 3fluffypotatoes
"You might want to go a little lower on contact. He is telling you because he wants you to know you aren't invited. I'd guess she said, 'You tell her then.'"
"This is not a best friend. Your relationship probably has an expiration date. Keep your family close. NOR." - Mowsmom22
"NOR. He literally said, 'We're having a party, but you're not invited?' At your birthday party even? TWICE? That's really, really rude."
"I'd say talk to your friend and hear it directly from her first. But if it is, as much as it hurts to lose a really friend, I'd go no contact."
"For the FaceTime offer, just tell them thanks but not interested. Good luck with your baby a have a nice life." - jackdupp27
"I'd honestly distance myself. The audacity of expecting you to move to where she lives... I have unfortunately recently experienced something very similar."
"Hate to say it, but she's not a friend if she's treating you like no more than a personal slave. I'd stay far away from her, or you'll end up being her full-time free babysitter or worse." - MissusNicola
"Oh. I know what happened. She's not actually your friend."
"There. Now you can write her off and go on with your life. You're welcome." - bananahammerredoux
After receiving questions and concerned comments, the OP clarified a few details.
"Clarifying a few things since people keep asking:"
"So no, I'm not avoiding communication. Every time this was brought up, it was her husband speaking while she sat right there. She never said anything herself, and I'm not going to force a serious conversation when she's clearly not engaging or feeling well. I'm also not going to beg to be included somewhere I'm clearly not wanted."
"I also did not send my husband to talk to her husband; he did that on his own. That's when it came up between the two of them that it wasn't personal and that it was her idea for us not be invited (girls went to the bathroom). Both other times it was talked about around me, she was present."
"The first time was literally right after I opened my gift bag, completely out of nowhere. The second time was at Bob Evans, right when we sat down, while I was dealing with my toddler, and it was doubled down with, 'We'll FaceTime you after,' and then asked what we thought the gender was."
"What confuses me is the mixed signals. She gives me a gift and says, 'I got this because it's us two peas in a pod,' but then barely interacts with me or her goddaughter for the rest of the visit."
"And to the people saying I just want attention or validation or just an entitled invite, that's not true at all. I don't like being the center of attention. This isn't about attention, it's about being hurt by the timing and how it was handled."
Perhaps the friend wanted to do something intimate with her husband for the reveal, or it was family-only, or maybe she wanted to minimize the number of children present so she could focus on the gender reveal of her child.
But the way that it was communicated seemed cold and uncaring, especially since the news was delivered during the OP's birthday celebration, and with no explanation beyond an offer to FaceTime at a later date.
It could be that the occasion was not planned well, and there truly was nothing personal about this omission, but to the subReddit, it spoke volumes about how the OP's friend must feel about her, and if this was how her friend wanted to treat someone that she previsouly wanted to live closer to for babysitting purposes, then the OP deserved much better friends.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.