We've all heard the most popular wedding vows, like "In sickness and in health," but sometimes people have a harder time applying these promises than they might have originally expected.
They might also have trouble seeing how other people demonstrate these vows, then judging another person's relationship, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Available_Bid_4470 loved his wife and had no problem giving her foot massages, especially since she medically needed relief for her feet and ankles.
But when his sister observed him giving his wife a foot massage, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his sister shamed both of them for performing such a demeaning act.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for kicking my sister out to teach her a lesson after she disrespected me and my wife?"
The OP's sister recently behaved in a way that was unusual for her.
My sister is 20 and I am 27. My sister lives with my parents, who I help financially, but she also visits me to spend time with me. After my marriage, I moved out, so she stays with me for a few weeks every now and then."
"My sister has never acted like this before so I am wondering if I went too far by kicking her out."
"My sister came over four days ago. I love my sister and my wife adores her, so I have no idea why she was acting so disrespectful towards us."
She mocked the OP for caring for his wife while she was in pain.
"The thing is, my wife has hurt her ankle, and the shoes she used to wear caused a lot of pain in her toes. We went to the doctor, and he suggested she do light massages to relieve her pain, so I helped her by massaging her feet and toes."
"But my sister laughed at me for doing so. When I asked her what was so funny about this, she said I am a weak man for doing this for my wife and no husband should do something so embarrassing for his wife."
"She asked me if I am not ashamed. She even said to my wife how could she ask me to do something like this."
"She even accused my wife of using me and said she sucks for it and I am a fool for tolerating this."
The OP shut the comments down.
"I told my sister what she said was disrespectful to us and I am ashamed that she thinks so lowly of us."
"I said there is nothing shameful about helping your partner when they are in pain. I am a family guy and it's my responsibility to help my wife and you and our parents."
"I ended up asking my sister to leave."
The family lashed out at the OP for kicking his sister out.
"She was angry at me, and now my parents are saying that I went too far and I should've done something else to teach my little sister a lesson because she comes first, and it's my responsibility to take care of her as her big brother."
"My wife cried and she said maybe I shouldn't have massaged her in my sister's presence and she feels guilty for causing a rift between my and my sister's relationship."
"I comforted her and told her she was not at fault; it's my sister's behavior that caused so much trouble in our life."
"Did I go too far?
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some side-eyed the sister for her questionable beliefs about relationships.
"Where does a single 20-year-old get ideas that what makes a good and happy marriage isn't caring for your partner? Her years of experience?"
"The sister should be embarrassed she has such low standards for a partner." - Beth21286
"She's probably following some of the more extreme 'trad wife / trad life' influencers, or she has a really toxic boyfriend feeding her that nonsense." - Pokeymono
"She's probably watching a lot of TikTok. You have some young women saying stuff like, 'If you're a grown man, why do you have an umbrella?'"
"Like... Are we supposed to become waterproof after we turn 18?" - DatguyMalcolm
"Your sister has major issues and should not be welcomed back into your home. Why is she so pressed about you helping your wife? NTA at all." - LeaJadis
"She definitely shouldn't be allowed over unless she acknowledges how disrespectful she was, apologizes, AND your wife is comfortable having her back with no pressure."
"I wouldn't agree to more than a short visit at a time until I was sure she could follow ground rules and be respectful to you both moving forward." - midnight9201
Others reassured the OP he was NTA but had some thoughts about the sister "coming first."
"The parents said, 'I should've done something else to teach my little sister a lesson cause she comes first and it's my responsibility to take care of her as her big brother.'"
"NO, she does not and you need to tell your parents that in no uncertain terms. She does not come first in your home and NEVER EVER will. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of her; she isn't your child and she's an adult. An adult with really bad manners but an adult nonetheless."
"Tell your parents and sister she is not welcome in your home until she makes a very sincere apology for her terrible behavior and if any similar disrespect were to happen again she would never be welcome in your home ever again." - celticmusebooks
"She's 20, not a little kid, and she definitely doesn't come before your wife in your own home. she either learns respect or stays out." - SarahWaatson
"No, she f**king does NOT come first, jesus f**king chr**t. It is terrifying to think there are people out there that think siblings should come before someone's spouse." - dmmegoosepics
"If you care about her and if you think she'd be open to having a sincere conversation, ask her why she thinks women are undeserving of a supportive partner? See if you can get her to question her views about toxic masculinity and misogyny." - Pretty_Traditional6354
"His sister IS family, and we should always strive to help and support the family (always, of course, within reason)."
"Him kicking her out IS supporting his sister as it seems she desperately needs some tough love."
"He did the right thing for both his wife (absolute kudos for that) AND for his sister." - pompisn1
Some felt the parents should mind their business, especially since the OP was financially providing for them.
"OP should also tell his parents to check themselves because they're expecting him to support them when their spawn can't even respect him and his wife. I'd tell them all there is no money till they give a genuine apology and leave the 1950s bulls**t where it belongs." - PersephoneTheOG
"Tell them she should come first for them, since she's their child and it was their job to not raise a disrespectful, misogynistic person, and they should have taught her better manners." - Existing-Bobcat-2776
"Don't back down from your VERY REASONABLE boundaries or they absolutely will take a mile for every inch you give. You absolutely should put kids first when they're YOUR kids and actually kids, 20 is definitely old enough to know better than to disrespect you in your own home as a guest."
"Also, they have the AUDACITY to treat you like that when you're financially supporting them is insane, the only ungrateful AH people here are your folks and immature sister." - ThatCryptidHyena
"You're helping your parents financially while your sister mocks you and your parents tell you to put her first? The financial aid has to stop at once."
"All three of them need to learn not to bite the hand that feeds you. It's despicable that ANY of them have the nerve to talk to you this way while you're the one propping them up. The reason they do it is because you have allowed them to disrespect you subtly for years."
"I guarantee this is just the first time it's been something big enough for you to notice. Stop prioritizing their finances over your own. Until you do, they will always feel entitled to you putting them first, even over your own wife." - Cursd818
"Your sister is a 20-YEAR-OLD adult and an a**hole. But your parents are stupid and plain crap."
"What lesson do you have to teach to an adult woman? The lessons to be a good, respectful, and productive woman should have come from them, and they are the ones failing at raising her and by putting her above you."
"Your wife is your priority, your sister is dumb, but your parents are the real AH of this story. No surprise your sister ended up like that." - Tfuentexxx
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"Thank you all for the comments. I don't think I would want to forbid her from coming to my house just yet, but if her behavior and her thought process doesn't change, I will be left with no other choice but to forbid her."
"I love my sister but my and my wife's mental health also matter. She's no longer 14 and to talk crap to her brother and get away with it, me and my wife are already stressed enough, mostly financially, and helping my parents financially has been stressful."
It sounded to the subReddit like the OP's sister had heard some questionable advice from either her parents, a partner, or social media influencers, and she was likely bringing that advice into her everyday life, to a negative effect.
If the sister could turn things around, apologize, and listen to a more positive belief system about relationships, there might be hope for the relationship, but if she continued to treat her brother and sister-in-law this way over something her sister-in-law medically needed, some distance might need to be created.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp