We’ve all heard the most popular wedding vows, like “In sickness and in health,” but sometimes people have a harder time applying these promises than they might have originally expected.
They might also have trouble seeing how other people demonstrate these vows, then judging another person’s relationship, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Available_Bid_4470 loved his wife and had no problem giving her foot massages, especially since she medically needed relief for her feet and ankles.
But when his sister observed him giving his wife a foot massage, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his sister shamed both of them for performing such a demeaning act.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for kicking my sister out to teach her a lesson after she disrespected me and my wife?”
The OP’s sister recently behaved in a way that was unusual for her.
My sister is 20 and I am 27. My sister lives with my parents, who I help financially, but she also visits me to spend time with me. After my marriage, I moved out, so she stays with me for a few weeks every now and then.”
“My sister has never acted like this before so I am wondering if I went too far by kicking her out.”
“My sister came over four days ago. I love my sister and my wife adores her, so I have no idea why she was acting so disrespectful towards us.”
She mocked the OP for caring for his wife while she was in pain.
“The thing is, my wife has hurt her ankle, and the shoes she used to wear caused a lot of pain in her toes. We went to the doctor, and he suggested she do light massages to relieve her pain, so I helped her by massaging her feet and toes.”
“But my sister laughed at me for doing so. When I asked her what was so funny about this, she said I am a weak man for doing this for my wife and no husband should do something so embarrassing for his wife.”
“She asked me if I am not ashamed. She even said to my wife how could she ask me to do something like this.”
“She even accused my wife of using me and said she sucks for it and I am a fool for tolerating this.”
The OP shut the comments down.
“I told my sister what she said was disrespectful to us and I am ashamed that she thinks so lowly of us.”
“I said there is nothing shameful about helping your partner when they are in pain. I am a family guy and it’s my responsibility to help my wife and you and our parents.”
“I ended up asking my sister to leave.”
The family lashed out at the OP for kicking his sister out.
“She was angry at me, and now my parents are saying that I went too far and I should’ve done something else to teach my little sister a lesson because she comes first, and it’s my responsibility to take care of her as her big brother.”
“My wife cried and she said maybe I shouldn’t have massaged her in my sister’s presence and she feels guilty for causing a rift between my and my sister’s relationship.”
“I comforted her and told her she was not at fault; it’s my sister’s behavior that caused so much trouble in our life.”
“Did I go too far?
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some side-eyed the sister for her questionable beliefs about relationships.
“Where does a single 20-year-old get ideas that what makes a good and happy marriage isn’t caring for your partner? Her years of experience?”
“The sister should be embarrassed she has such low standards for a partner.” – Beth21286
“She’s probably following some of the more extreme ‘trad wife / trad life’ influencers, or she has a really toxic boyfriend feeding her that nonsense.” – Pokeymono
“She’s probably watching a lot of TikTok. You have some young women saying stuff like, ‘If you’re a grown man, why do you have an umbrella?'”
“Like… Are we supposed to become waterproof after we turn 18?” – DatguyMalcolm
“Your sister has major issues and should not be welcomed back into your home. Why is she so pressed about you helping your wife? NTA at all.” – LeaJadis
“She definitely shouldn’t be allowed over unless she acknowledges how disrespectful she was, apologizes, AND your wife is comfortable having her back with no pressure.”
“I wouldn’t agree to more than a short visit at a time until I was sure she could follow ground rules and be respectful to you both moving forward.” – midnight9201
Others reassured the OP he was NTA but had some thoughts about the sister “coming first.”
“The parents said, ‘I should’ve done something else to teach my little sister a lesson cause she comes first and it’s my responsibility to take care of her as her big brother.'”
“NO, she does not and you need to tell your parents that in no uncertain terms. She does not come first in your home and NEVER EVER will. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of her; she isn’t your child and she’s an adult. An adult with really bad manners but an adult nonetheless.”
“Tell your parents and sister she is not welcome in your home until she makes a very sincere apology for her terrible behavior and if any similar disrespect were to happen again she would never be welcome in your home ever again.” – celticmusebooks
“She’s 20, not a little kid, and she definitely doesn’t come before your wife in your own home. she either learns respect or stays out.” – SarahWaatson
“No, she f**king does NOT come first, jesus f**king chr**t. It is terrifying to think there are people out there that think siblings should come before someone’s spouse.” – dmmegoosepics
“If you care about her and if you think she’d be open to having a sincere conversation, ask her why she thinks women are undeserving of a supportive partner? See if you can get her to question her views about toxic masculinity and misogyny.” – Pretty_Traditional6354
“His sister IS family, and we should always strive to help and support the family (always, of course, within reason).”
“Him kicking her out IS supporting his sister as it seems she desperately needs some tough love.”
“He did the right thing for both his wife (absolute kudos for that) AND for his sister.” – pompisn1
Some felt the parents should mind their business, especially since the OP was financially providing for them.
“OP should also tell his parents to check themselves because they’re expecting him to support them when their spawn can’t even respect him and his wife. I’d tell them all there is no money till they give a genuine apology and leave the 1950s bulls**t where it belongs.” – PersephoneTheOG
“Tell them she should come first for them, since she’s their child and it was their job to not raise a disrespectful, misogynistic person, and they should have taught her better manners.” – Existing-Bobcat-2776
“Don’t back down from your VERY REASONABLE boundaries or they absolutely will take a mile for every inch you give. You absolutely should put kids first when they’re YOUR kids and actually kids, 20 is definitely old enough to know better than to disrespect you in your own home as a guest.”
“Also, they have the AUDACITY to treat you like that when you’re financially supporting them is insane, the only ungrateful AH people here are your folks and immature sister.” – ThatCryptidHyena
“You’re helping your parents financially while your sister mocks you and your parents tell you to put her first? The financial aid has to stop at once.”
“All three of them need to learn not to bite the hand that feeds you. It’s despicable that ANY of them have the nerve to talk to you this way while you’re the one propping them up. The reason they do it is because you have allowed them to disrespect you subtly for years.”
“I guarantee this is just the first time it’s been something big enough for you to notice. Stop prioritizing their finances over your own. Until you do, they will always feel entitled to you putting them first, even over your own wife.” – Cursd818
“Your sister is a 20-YEAR-OLD adult and an a**hole. But your parents are stupid and plain crap.”
“What lesson do you have to teach to an adult woman? The lessons to be a good, respectful, and productive woman should have come from them, and they are the ones failing at raising her and by putting her above you.”
“Your wife is your priority, your sister is dumb, but your parents are the real AH of this story. No surprise your sister ended up like that.” – Tfuentexxx
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“Thank you all for the comments. I don’t think I would want to forbid her from coming to my house just yet, but if her behavior and her thought process doesn’t change, I will be left with no other choice but to forbid her.”
“I love my sister but my and my wife’s mental health also matter. She’s no longer 14 and to talk crap to her brother and get away with it, me and my wife are already stressed enough, mostly financially, and helping my parents financially has been stressful.”
It sounded to the subReddit like the OP’s sister had heard some questionable advice from either her parents, a partner, or social media influencers, and she was likely bringing that advice into her everyday life, to a negative effect.
If the sister could turn things around, apologize, and listen to a more positive belief system about relationships, there might be hope for the relationship, but if she continued to treat her brother and sister-in-law this way over something her sister-in-law medically needed, some distance might need to be created.