Every person handles their grief in different ways.
So much grief can be intertwined with guilt of things you may have done differently.
That’s why it’s important to have a solid, loving circle of support.
And not people who will make it worse.
Case in point…
Redditor Mavyret wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not wanting to go to my brother’s wedding, even though the ‘bad blood’ was 2 years ago?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I am a cardiologist, and have been for the past 22 years.”
“I am also a single mother to my 16-year-old daughter, who passed away two months before her 17th birthday in 2020.”
“She had cancer when she was 14 and was in remission on her 16th birthday.”
“One day, she just collapsed.”
“it happened in front of me. I was the one who gave her C[ardio] P[ulmonary] R[esuscitation].”
“It was the worst feeling of my life, and I still have nightmares about it.”
“We took her to the hospital, but she was gone.”
“She was dealing with a lot of side effects from her treatment and was very weak, but she was determined to get better.”
“But her body just gave out.”
“On my daughter’s birthday in 2021, I was a mess.”
“My brother, future S[ister] I[n] L[aw], and mum had been keeping me company because I couldn’t function at all.”
“We were just talking about some happy memories, and my brother expressed sadness that his niece won’t be at his wedding.”
“My future SIL then chimed up and said, “Yeah, well, that’s sad, and if [my name] had been better at her job, she would’ve been alive.”
“She justified it by saying that she was close to my daughter and made her a bridesmaid. She was devastated too by her death.”
“To this day, I cannot describe what I felt when I heard those words from her mouth.”
“I don’t remember much after that, but I just started sobbing.”
“My mom and my brother were glaring at my SIL and they left.”
“As if my guilt already wasn’t enough.”
“They’re getting married, and my brother came over to invite me personally.”
“I told him I am not coming.”
“I don’t want to see her face at all.”
“My brother said that I should let bygones be bygones, and my grief is not the only one that matters.”
“I pretty much-limited contact after that incident, but I’m not ready to face her.”
“it serves as a reminder of my own failure, and I still deal with a lot of guilt.”
“But he’s my only sibling, and we used to be very close.”
“He’s helped me a lot through all this.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I’m going to go with a hard ‘No.’ from the sounds of it.”
“I don’t even know how to say anything other than what the SIL said was so callous and uncalled for.”
“But the petty in me says, you know what, mend that fence with SIL for the moment.”
“Offer to go— in fact, offer to make a toast.”
“’Brother, SIL, I’m glad to be here today in honor of my daughter who was supposed to be a bridesmaid.'”
“I’m so grateful for SIL telling me that if I was better at my job, I could have saved my daughter whose body had been ravaged by her treatment for her cancer.'”
“‘I’m so grateful that she made those comments on my daughter’s birthday during the first year after her passing, all while I was grieving a birthday she wouldn’t get.'”
“‘I’m also grateful to you brother for sticking by his woman so steadfastly and demanding to ‘let bygones be bygones.'”
“Thank you for showing me who you are and where I stand as a family.'”
“‘I’ll make sure to work on letting bygones be bygones.'” ~ EmbarrassedSpinach28
“Ooh, that’s good.”
“I mean, not going to your own brother’s wedding also looks bad, but this way, people know EXACTLY what SIL did.”
“I can’t believe OP’s brother didn’t dump this woman after what she said, much less MARRY HER.”
“Her brother is an AH for staying with that heartless woman.” ~ Jedisilk015
“Exactly what SIL AND brother did.”
“I’d be absolutely disgusted and feel irrevocably betrayed by my sibling for sticking by someone who said this to their sibling, much less in the midst of grief.”
“Out of every woman in the world, he HAD to choose THAT one?!”
“It shows a level of cruelty that I’d never want to be brought into my future life.”
“In fact, if that were my fiancé, I’d have shown her OPs door, told her to get gone and packed from our shared home, and never darken my doorstep again.”
“Let bygones be bygones?”
“What a huge emotionally stunted potato.” ~ SufficientWay3663
“Completely agree, Brother is TA for not dumping his fiancée immediately when this happened.”
“OP, stop wasting your love on someone so completely heartless.” ~ randomcharacheters
“NTA. Your child died suddenly, and NO-ONE has a right to say anything to you about your grief, and her grief is not important!”
“Your brother saying someone else’s grief is more important than yours… nope, not even close!”
“If we want a hierarchy of grief, then you are in the top 3 spaces at least!”
“Your daughter passed, and it was NOT your fault; sadly cancer is s**t, and no one knows fully the impact cancer and its treatment have on the body in the long term.”
“Your brother should be ashamed of himself for what he said but also what he didn’t say!”
“As they were clearly having conversations about you and your daughter while you weren’t present.”
“I have known many parents who have lost children, and they have always said the same thing ‘parents shouldn’t bury their children.'”
“My brother died from lung cancer suddenly, and I know my grief is different from my mum’s.”
“My mum carried my brother in her body, and she fed him. She felt him moving when she was carrying him.”
“That is an experience that makes her grief different from mine.”
“I personally would go no contact permanently with them.”
“I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone, but unless you have a child that has sadly passed, you cannot understand how you are feeling.”
“Intellectually, you know that you did everything possible for your daughter.”
“You followed all the advice. You did everything right.”
“You know from your job that sadly, people die no matter what medically has been done.”
“Emotionally, you feel guilty that due to your career, you feel you should have done more!”
“I know many people have rightly told you it’s not your fault. You did everything you could have done.”
“It’s not your fault, and maybe in the future, these feelings will ease.”
“Grief is Emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.”
“Time is something that doesn’t make sense as for others, it was a year ago, but to you, it could be seconds, minutes, or days away.”
“I am sending you a virtual hug and know that many people here understand your pain and would send you support if they could.” ~ Anneemai
“OMG. SIL’s supposed ‘grief’ can NOT be compared to the grief of the mother who was also present at the time of death/tried to save her/subsequently traumatized by the event.”
“SIL needs to learn that grief isn’t a competition.”
“She also needs to educate herself about the circle of grief, as in, she should be supporting the mother of the deceased and has no room to ‘complain’ to her (god, that word really doesn’t cover the ugliness of her comment).”
“SIL is selfish trash.”
“And brother supports that trash, for whatever reason.”
“I can’t imagine their marriage surviving; when he finally comes to his senses, he’ll come groveling back to OP to apologize for how terrible his fiancé was to her.”
“OP, NTA, do not go to that wedding if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t.” ~ Pickles_is_mu_doggo
“Maybe if your brother had picked a better partner, you could go. NTA.” ~ FrictionMitten
OP came back with an update…
“Thank you for your support and kind words.”
“The doctor part of my mind does know what cancer stresses on one’s body, but the mom part of me will probably never get over it.”
“I am in therapy, and some days are more of a struggle than rest.”
“To clarify, my SIL did not apologize.”
“My mom told me that she meant that since I’ve worked in hospitals, I’ve seen deaths, and I should work through my pain.”
“I am still conflicted on whether or not I should attend their wedding because my daughter was so so excited and determined to get better for it.”
“I want to support my brother and my SIL because I did spiral down after my daughter’s death, and they quite literally sustained me.”
“They’ve cooked meals and tidied up my house.”
“I feel I haven’t been supportive of their grief journey.”
Oh, OP, first of all, everyone is sending you such good vibes and condolences.
There are no words to help the pain of losing a child.
It is clear Reddit is with whatever decision you chose.
Just please make sure it’s the best choice for YOU.
You and only you.