Do parents have a right to know every detail of their adult children's lives?
Or is it acceptable to withhold information?
A sibling turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over keeping secrets for their sister.
LemonOk776 asked:
"AITA for telling my sister I won't keep lying to our parents about her business trips?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (34) and I (29) have always been close, and about six months ago she asked me for a favor that I agreed to without thinking it through properly."
"She started taking weekend trips a few times a month and asked me to tell our parents, if they ever asked, that she was traveling for work. She said it was easier than explaining the real reason, which she never fully clarified to me either, just that it was personal and she wasn't ready to talk about it with them yet."
"I went along with it a few times because it seemed harmless enough. But it's kept happening, and now our parents have started asking me directly for details, like which company sends her on so many trips, or why her job suddenly requires this much travel when it never did before."
"I've been vague and noncommittal, but I'm running out of ways to dodge specific questions without either making something up on the spot or admitting I don't actually know what's going on."
"Last week, I told my sister I wasn't comfortable continuing this, especially since I don't even know what I'm covering for anymore, and that our parents were starting to ask me pointed questions I couldn't keep deflecting."
"She got upset and said I was going back on something I already agreed to, and that I was making things harder for her by backing out now instead of just sticking with the story a little longer until she figured out how to tell them herself."
"I told her I never signed up to be her permanent cover story, especially not indefinitely and without knowing what I'm actually hiding."
"She said I was being unsupportive and that real siblings wouldn't put a time limit on helping each other out."
"AITA for refusing to keep covering for her without knowing what I'm actually covering for?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors mostly decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) and tried to extract herself from the situation, but many had questions (INFO) about why OP was in this situation.
"INFO: why do your parents even need that info if your sister is 34? She doesn't have any duty to confess to them what she's doing, and you don't have to 'cover' for her either. You aren't teens trying to sneak out; you're adults having independent lives..." ~ No-Jellyfish-1208
"INFO: What's the problem with 'admitting' you don't know the answers to questions like which company, why more travel than before, etc...? Why would you be expected to know? Obviously your parents don't know either, and why don't they ask her?" ~ Mytweezer
"INFO: Why are your parents involved with the movements of a 34-year-old woman on her weekends? It makes no sense." ~ layyla4real
"Info needed: Why do you need, as grown folks, to tell your parents that you're traveling? Why do your parents feel like it's their right to ask details? Do you both live with your parents?" ~ Jealous-Contract7426
"Gonna need more info on why and how your parents are asking about your 34-year-old sister's weekends. And like, do you think this behavior would be happening with a 34-year-old man?" ~ the_orig_princess
"Info: Why would your sister tell your parents in general that she's traveling? I travel for work every now and then and most of the times my parents don't even know that I'm currently abroad."
"One time I even flew to another continent and I don't think I've ever told them. If it comes up, sure, but as a person in their mid-30s, it's not necessary to share every detail of life." ~ ResidentStrategy7684
"INFO - why do you need to answer your parents' questions about your adult sister at all? Just answer, 'I have no idea, ask her'." ~ bigdave41
"Is your sister no contact with your parents? Why do they keep asking you? I don't think YTA, but I do think it's odd. Is sister married? Is it possible she's having an affair and is hiding it?"
"Why are you involved? Sis said she was on a business trip. That is all you know."
"Why does an adult woman need to justify her trips to her parents? This whole thing is weird. She’s 34." ~ Prior_Pomegranate718
"NTA. When I was younger (32, female), I tried covering for my little sister (divorced mother of two, 30, female). We have very intrusive parents who were paying her bills at the time."
"She was coming to our city on weekends without the kids to visit her bf. He was the brother of my dad’s business partner. My parents loved him, but would not have liked the idea of their daughter sleeping with him."
"I covered for months that she was staying with me. They showed up, and I had no idea where she was."
"To this day, I was the one held responsible for not holding get to our family moral code. She was never chastised, only me for being a bad big sister."
"I know she was an adult, but sometimes with pushy, demanding parents, it’s easier to lie." ~ LawComprehensive2204
"She's in a romantic relationship and wants you all to keep your noses out. A 34-year-old woman should be able to do what she wants on weekends; the fact that she is trying to cover it up hints that maybe there are some issues here." ~ Cloverose2
"Just tell your parents, 'I don't know. She only told me she said she has to travel for work'. You don't have to do a cover story. You don't even have to lie. Just say this. Let her handle the rest. If she's mad, say you told them everything she gave you." ~Difficult_Ad_1923
"If your parents ask, tell them to ask her. She's an adult. Let her decide what to tell them." ~ ACTSATGuyonReddit
"Here are the words you are looking for when your parents ask you: 'I don't know, you would need to ask her.' That's it. Don't be f*cking stupid, just move on." ~ usernamesarehard1979
"Parents need to stay in their lane. Sister needs to do whatever she wants and leave you the hell out of it. You need to tell your parents you have no idea where she is or what she’s doing because you mind your own business." ~ CaptainSnappertain
"NTA. But I would ask myself why they are asking me rather than her. Are you so enmeshed with them that they feel they have a right to discuss or dictate your personal life? They apparently think they have a right to know your sister's business." ~ feminist1946
"NTA. This whole scenario is weird, and you shouldn't be in the middle of it. She is an adult and doesn't need her parents' permission to do anything on her weekends, but if she insists on lying to them, then she should be the one doing it."
"It's even weirder that they're pumping you for details.... this reeks of boundary issues."
"The next time they ask, just say that you don't know and redirect them to her." ~ LunaDog_Mom
"Why on earth are you stressing about this? Just say what you know - that your sister is travelling for work. Anything else they want to know, they can ask her."
"But if my parents were demanding to know where I, a 34-year-old woman, was every day of the week, I'd be telling them to back off and mind their own affairs."
"This is ridiculous. Your parents need to butt the hell out of your middle aged sister's life." ~ Ohtherewearethen
"I don't understand the issue. You don't know what is up either (and if you did, it wouldn't change anything). If your parents ask you about your sister's travel habits, just tell them to ask your sister and don't discuss it further."
"She is 34 and has a right to privacy; end of discussion. She didn't need to involve you in anything or give you any details either, frankly. She may have been trying to get support from you or planning to try for support but regardless."
"You don't need to be speculating with your parents or engaging further about it. Your parents don't need to be trying to dig in either. If they are curious, they can ask her directly." ~ AgravaineNYR
"Why can't you say to your parents I know as much info as you and be done? Like why would you know all these details about your sister's work?" ~ Apprehensive-Bag-900
"Are we actually having this conversation? It's none of the parents' business what their grown daughter is doing."
"Tell them if they have any questions to ask their daughter, although it's still none of their business."
"Those parents need to get a life and keep their noses out of their grown daughters. Some people." ~ Mysterious_Drop1122
OP can't provide information they don't have.
What's wrong with telling their parents, "I don't know, ask her"?
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.